Observations

**General Trigger Warning: we are responding about things about Fourteen which he finds triggering, including struggling with orientation, abuse, who can or can't be abused or is an abuser, and love.**

We've barely been able to look at the boards recently and we missed this entirely. We sincerely hope this post is in no way triggering and have used our best discernment in this regard. Our system identifies as queer in various ways and come from a very LGBT+ friendly point of view, but we realize that it may also be difficult to read that, given Fourteen's struggles and your system's struggles in general.

It's okay to be gay. It's wonderful to be able to experience any of those feelings for another person at all. It's marvelous to be able to experience love, affection, desire, to have the capacity for those feelings. All of it is very human. Being able to experience all of that with another person who also wants those things is an extraordinary thing. At the same time, connecting like that isn't lofty and unattainable. It's achievable, it can be mundane and everyday. It isn't wrong to experience those things, or to want to experience those things. It's okay to be gay, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, trans, any of it. All of it.

We'd also like to affirm that yes, boys can be abused. Anyone can be abused. Anyone.

Floralie wrote:He can never please them all, that's why he can not grow, he's stuck in the guilt.

What would please him?
What happens if he doesn't please anyone?

No one can please everyone, because humanity holds a variety of conflicting ideals. People also sometimes have very limited ideas of what could make them happy, but when they encounter something outside of that, it still makes them happy.

Floralie wrote:some weirdo living in adult female body and his experiences don't make any sense thru that body.

He's not a weirdo for that. It's just where he happens to be.

Floralie wrote:I couldn't do it either, to grow up sexually and become someone who can call themselves a woman. No, it's way too sexually grown up word to describe me. He can not grow to be man either, that is straight our threatening word to him.

We relate with this a lot.

Floralie wrote:T thought there's something he's trying to tell about those years now, years of being 11 or 12. But I don't actually think so. I think he just showed how growing up is still impossible, and he stopped trying. I think he showed being 14 is impossible. It was for me too, that's a year when I really couldn't handle things anymore.

It's understandable that he needed a break from being 14. Was your T meaning that it means something about trauma from that time, or more generally? It sounds like you are already hearing what is significant about the age: that it is less complicated and less need for that kind of support which is still lacking.

We don't have specific resources to suggest, but have you looked for contemporary puberty books by LGBT+ authors? I've heard about there being a wave of children's books lately and can't imagine there not being teen-oriented books too. it could be helpful also to read coming-of-age novels with teens who are just starting to realize their sexuality. That sort of thing has really helped normalize our own experience. Our (Crows') culture hypersexualizes it, but we just have regular amounts and types of feelings, and it's allowed.

On the idea of inherently being an abuser, do you think it would help to look at educational materials around consent? Those would possibly show examples of men being good partners. That it's possible and it's possible for him.

We don't have any specific thoughts about him having de-aged because we have no experience there. We have age-sliders, but this sounds different.

Everyone who wants it deserves good, connective, consensual, mutual love in the way that feels best for those involved. That includes him, that includes you if you want that, and that includes anyone reading these words. He is worthy and he is good enough. You are worthy and you are good enough.

We wish you all the best.
-some of the Crows

SeveralCrows wrote:**General Trigger Warning: we are responding about things about Fourteen which he finds triggering, including struggling with orientation, abuse, who can or can't be abused or is an abuser, and love.**

Oh, we are honored someone used this much time and effort on us. This wasn't triggering, I don't know if some of it would've been if Fourteen would be more aware, but he's not that aware of outside now, I think. I can reach to him, and I feel his essence, the way he is, but he's not connected to outside. I'm happy he didn't disappear so deep inside he would be too far to reach. I kind of can feel him any time I think of him now, so he is even closer than usually that way. But I feel just his essence, not what he thinks or feels. Like he would be floating around, above near by, but connected with our mind. I don't know if he feels like floating too, or does it feel like that to me only.

SeveralCrows wrote:We've barely been able to look at the boards recently and we missed this entirely. We sincerely hope this post is in no way triggering and have used our best discernment in this regard. Our system identifies as queer in various ways and come from a very LGBT+ friendly point of view, but we realize that it may also be difficult to read that, given Fourteen's struggles and your system's struggles in general.

In our past being straight was too hard for us, and no one in the system was straight that I knew of. I remembered it not so long ago, that there was time when even Ferro was gay too. He was with Sami then. Sami has been with every teen in the system, but this is not about him or Ferro. There was period of time like that from when I was around 20 or something to 35 or so. The fact we can have straight people in the system, both males and females, is new, not recently new, but it wasn't always possible. It used to feel somehow threatening and also didn't feel as real. Gay love story made me feel something but straight one was just typical generic stuff I'm not into. Or who ever had passive influence on me then was not into.

We used to go out and spend time in gay clubs and had mostly male gay friends. But then it got confusing because they (some gay male friends we hanged out with) started to have feelings for us, without them understanding at all how and why, because they were not into women. And it got confusing to me, when men I found safe suddenly started feeling something sexual related to this body. If I would've had male body, there would've been no problems, we would've dated men and would've been happy. I still don't know, I can't remember or am not aware who it was then there. It certainly was someone who identified being gay male, and it showed thru and confused other people. Maybe it was someone who isn't around anymore, or has changed so much I can't recognize him, or can't remember anymore.

After that I tried to be lesbian, or bi or what ever, basically tried to be with women. I felt good and safe and liked snuggling, walking hand in hand was cute and safe, but can't have sex with women. So we do have history in LGBTI culture, the struggle Fourteen had or has is his, and it's because abuse messed him up, and how people responded to it when he remembered. And he has nothing against any people with any gender identity or any sexuality, only his own. He doesn't identify with anything really, and we decided he's so young he doesn't have to. But still he hears bad mouthing against gay people etc. being also about him. His abusers were male, so he has had gay sex. And that thing messed him up. And he could not stop thinking himself and trying to figure out what he is and why. What's real, and what comes from the younger ones who are eager to please men. Is that all trauma or is it real. But then he realizes there can not be trauma, because boys can't be abused. So it had to be him. And around and around goes same thoughts and feelings in his mind.

SeveralCrows wrote:It's okay to be gay. It's wonderful to be able to experience any of those feelings for another person at all. It's marvelous to be able to experience love, affection, desire, to have the capacity for those feelings. All of it is very human. Being able to experience all of that with another person who also wants those things is an extraordinary thing. At the same time, connecting like that isn't lofty and unattainable. It's achievable, it can be mundane and everyday. It isn't wrong to experience those things, or to want to experience those things. It's okay to be gay, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, trans, any of it. All of it.

He understands that about every other person in this planet, but himself. But thanks for saying it aloud. I hope he can hear. I hope people who say right things could have same impact than words that hurt, but they don't. And it's complicated. This could also trigger him, if he would think you say it because you think he's gay. He doesn't wanna identify like that. Can't. To him it means he wants to be abused, although boys can't be, being gay feels to him like then anyone could come and ask for anything and he needs to be willing to, so he doesn't wanna be gay, or doesn't want people talking about him like he is.

SeveralCrows wrote:We'd also like to affirm that yes, boys can be abused. Anyone can be abused. Anyone.

I try to think this aloud inside for him to hear. And with the information it's not just me "not understanding how he feels and how world really is like", it's another system's own opinion.

SeveralCrows wrote:What would please him?

What would please him is a question he has over 20 answers for. It depends on who are you asking from. He's an alter of their own system, not just an alter in the system I belong into too. In other words he has DID and parts that are "his". They want opposite things. So they don't know.

SeveralCrows wrote:What happens if he doesn't please anyone?

In his mind: punishment. That's the loudest opinion in their system, way above anything else. Under that: abandonment and contempt.

There are parts who do what ever and don't give a ###$, but it doesn't help the overall situation at all. And the ones with better self esteem and also more age and more rebellious attitude are the ones who are more into girls actually. I don't know where they are now. The little's like girls as well. Even the tweens who are willing to please men, the best thing that could ever happen to them would be a girl liking them "that way". Or for the little ones too. Or to anyone of them. Because that's the thing they lost.

They can't be straight anymore, it's too late. That's how they feel, he feels. Struggle of not being accepted as something else comes after the fact they lost the chance to be straight, without their will. And they do feel there's no turning back. So they gave up something really big to keep girls safe. And it gets really overwhelming when they after that are accused of what they became because of it. And the fact it makes them feel responsible about being abused.

I have always thought him thru the fact he has been with Sami in the inner world like almost forever in outside time, and has real feelings for him. Their relationship has not been just repeating trauma. There was actual love, both ways. I've never really thought before that actually most of their system is straight. Their host personality was with Sami, and other parts went along with it. He had feelings for Lucas too, so he isn't purely straight, but he's way more straight I understood before as a whole person.

SeveralCrows wrote:

Floralie wrote:some weirdo living in adult female body and his experiences don't make any sense thru that body.

He's not a weirdo for that. It's just where he happens to be.

He can understand it intellectually. At home, when no one can see or hear, he doesn't think about the body at all if he isn't already being triggered because of outside world reminded him about it wrong way. But when there's another person there, he is way too aware what they can not see or hear. I hope he can grow over that problem one day, but body dysphoria is awful. I don't know how it will be for him now that he's younger. He is way more trusty now, so getting younger can help him with that too, with talking to people in general. I hope it does, teens feel more awkward about their bodies anyway.

SeveralCrows wrote:

Floralie wrote:I couldn't do it either, to grow up sexually and become someone who can call themselves a woman. No, it's way too sexually grown up word to describe me. He can not grow to be man either, that is straight our threatening word to him.

We relate with this a lot.

In English you can use the word female, I can identify being female, and Fourteen was OK with identifying as male or boy. But in our language there is no word like female/male. It's just man and woman. And I can not be girl anymore either. But now I have managed to get a part who does identify with being woman, and is all I am not that way. So our system is capable of doing that now, although I as a part, am not. Neither is Fourteen.

SeveralCrows wrote:It's understandable that he needed a break from being 14. Was your T meaning that it means something about trauma from that time, or more generally? It sounds like you are already hearing what is significant about the age: that it is less complicated and less need for that kind of support which is still lacking.

She asked me how was my life when I was 11 and 12. And we talked about my sister a lot, and my relationship with her. Because Fourteen is with his sister now that he's younger. There were some similarities in there, but I forgot them. I wasn't happy then, but I don't remember any particular trauma, it was over all life that traumatized me, it was a long term thing. Age 12 is when all 3 sexually abused boys in the system have been abused, but I don't remember that happening to me. It can be symbol for something too. I had very early puberty and was very ashamed of my body because it was so different from anyone else's. That's what makes that time different to me from other times negatively, but I think it started before.

I do have a lot of little memories that pop up to my mind when I start thinking about something, but I can't remember when they happened. So mostly it's guessing. There is something weird about that time I can't explain, or know what is it about. I loved to read books, I read plenty of them, about horses and stories with girls and horses or girls with dogs. Years ago I bought many of those books and now I have them at home. But I can't read them. I feel I'm getting overwhelmed. Not straight out negatively, but even thinking about reading them makes me a bit hyper and I wanna walk around the apartment to sooth myself down.

SeveralCrows wrote:We don't have specific resources to suggest, but have you looked for contemporary puberty books by LGBT+ authors? I've heard about there being a wave of children's books lately and can't imagine there not being teen-oriented books too. it could be helpful also to read coming-of-age novels with teens who are just starting to realize their sexuality. That sort of thing has really helped normalize our own experience. Our (Crows') culture hypersexualizes it, but we just have regular amounts and types of feelings, and it's allowed.

That's actually a good idea. I think he could do it now that he's younger and can read them like what's coming and prepare himself. I don't know if he could do it as 14 year old, it depends how they are like.

SeveralCrows wrote:On the idea of inherently being an abuser, do you think it would help to look at educational materials around consent? Those would possibly show examples of men being good partners. That it's possible and it's possible for him.

For them there are normal boys, who can be with girls. When he sees a straight couple, he doesn't think that girl is abused by that boy. They themselves are not normal boys anymore, because they had sex with adult man or men. That's when they became different. That's when it was too late to turn back and be normal boy anymore. And that's the reason they tried to seek help for their trauma. They didn't find support, they went to read a support forum, and it was all women, mostly abused by men. They talked very clearly about how men trigger them now. So he didn't write messages there. He understood he wasn't wanted. Even if they would've been nice to him, he would've known how they REALLY think about him deep down.

When you have been abused and live with the symptoms of guilt and feeling your body alien to you and gross and dirty, and you go to people who are your peers and they agree with you being guilty and gross and dirty.. Well, after that I don't know what could change his mind about it. It was SO awful, because he expected support and understanding.. but those people are still his peers. The ones who know what they're talking about, because they've lived thru it. Not like some social workers who may have had normally happy life and who don't understand it really, not deep down.

It think that abandonment was too awful for him to go thru ever again. So he doesn't expect good things or believe in them, because he can't afford new disappointment like that. As long as we are in places where there's traumatized people, it's very likely he hears the same things over and over again. Every time they get more true to him. But it hurts less, than opening your mind and heart and expecting good things and they never will come. That's way worse. So he keep his mind closed with this. He can't survive from trying to believe in good things again.

I think this is the mother of all the problems. He can't afford to see himself as someone who has trauma, although he would really much want to be able to. And when he can't agree he's traumatized, then how could his beliefs be trauma based? If he could admit the trauma and that it's not his fault, he could work willingly with his core beliefs about himself, which would make getting better possible. But he can't afford being disappointed, and doesn't admit it's trauma, but the reality. It's hard to be cured from the reality. There are different parts, some more in realities than others, but his beliefs are one big mess with so much stuff in it, it's very hard to get thru it to him.

SeveralCrows wrote:We don't have any specific thoughts about him having de-aged because we have no experience there. We have age-sliders, but this sounds different.

Yeah, I don't know what this is called, or does it even have a name in DID community, but I don't feel it's age sliding either.

SeveralCrows wrote:Everyone who wants it deserves good, connective, consensual, mutual love in the way that feels best for those involved. That includes him, that includes you if you want that, and that includes anyone reading these words. He is worthy and he is good enough. You are worthy and you are good enough.

We wish you all the best.
-some of the Crows

Thank you, again thank you for the effort. You deserve all the good things as well.

This may sound very random comment in here in the middle of everything, but I write it down to myself, to remember it later on.

When our body was teenager and after than, like early twenties, we read tons of books about sexuality. Among psychology and psychiatry, sexuality was big thing for us, we were very interested in it, and not "that way", it was same way than in psych things. Just trying to understand something, find out something.

We loved the Kinsey report about male sexuality. That book was like our Bible about those things, because it was authentic, men talking about how they are and feel. It felt old fashioned even then, but still it was more authentic than any other book. I never gave a thought to why we were so much into that one, but not interested in female sexuality. We read that one too, but just one time. Didn't identify, didn't feel important. But about males, many many many times for many years. I was about to buy it home one time too, but didn't have the money then. (I had it from the library.) I'd still probably remember most of it if I'd see it now.

I don't think I read it because I was straight female trying to understand how boys/men work and feel about things, not at all. I didn't read it that way. It was definitely a boy inside, or many of them, trying to understand themselves. It's so clear now, although I didn't think about it then at all.

Had weird experience yesterday evening and today morning. I was Lucas. I can't explain how I was him, I thought like me, did things I do, but I just felt I wasn't me but him. Not co-conscious, not him taking control, but I became him. I went to look at the mirror just out of curiosity. The one in there looked familiar, I know how I look like and he does too. In a way we must have both been there, since the experience was from my "me-perspective", although I felt I'm him. It felt weird to be him and do our evening routines, even when he always comes to do them if he's around. But he has come to my mind before, co-con, and then it's more like me thinking I'm him, or together with him, depending if we picture that happening in the inner world or in here, but I've still never actually felt being him like that. But now I just became him and it was weird because body was mine and mind too.

I know it's not weird at all from DID perspective. There's so many ways to switch. And I can't even explain how it was different from what we usually do. I think we maybe blended somehow. Because identity was his, but thoughts were still mine. Kind of. Because I was wondering how weird it felt also when it happened.

It was weird to take care of body that isn't yours. It's like taking care of a pet. I never thought before how it feels to him to come in here and take care of body that isn't his. In a way it of course is all of ours because they can't exist without it either, but still.. because he didn't try to make body feel more like his, he shaved and did things for me. Or I did, when i was him. And that's the weird part maybe, that I was in a body that wasn't mine, making it be more like it is, still not mine. Like it's just machine that needs some maintenance.

I woke up feeling the same and left to work. Decided I'm gonna let things be the way they are, even if someone will notice something. They will not be able to tell what's wrong. And my mind was still there too, although identity was his, so there wasn't any risks. I don't think Lucas would be able to do my work without me there, I don't think he's been around in there enough to know all the same things. But then the first patient of the day needed anesthesia monitoring and was higher risk patient, and I became me without realizing it. I think he went away or we just switched back to how we usually are without thinking, because I needed to concentrate on the patient and not to who am I. And I kind of forgot him and what happened until now.

Anesthesia went fine, no complications, and the bunny patient is home already.

I caught myself losing time while using laptop. I've tried few times before, but didn't find anything off, this time I did.

I was answering to one YouTube comment. It was about DID for someone who doesn't know about it that much, he asked about switching from me. I answered, not with YouTube comment style just few sentences, but actually with a long post. Also gave them a link. I remember searching that link, and then I watched the clock, to make sure can I listen the video behind the link with full voice, or do I use headphones, which I always do after 10 pm, because I live in an apartment, and I'm sitting next to wall with neighbors on the other side. It was something bit over 9 pm, so I didn't use the headphones. That's why I'm sure about the time.

Next time I check the time about what feels like an hour later, and 4 hours has gone. I'm not good at estimating anything, so I can double that, because I always, or often, feel like less time has gone than really did. I have suspected it can be also me losing time, but like I said, I've never found any real proof about it before. But even if that would not be true and it would be just my poor skills to estimate, it can't be more than double the time I estimate it to be, so it was max 2 hours to me. But still 4 hours went by in reality.

That YouTube writing time does not exist in the computer history at all, it looks like I would've started using the laptop around 10 pm. But I was already finished with the message an hour or at least half an hour earlier, so someone has removed memory from before 10 pm, they removed probably last hour or two then, because they did something they didn't want me to find later on. That's the proof # 1, someone erased history I know for sure should be there.

After that I came in here. I read some posts. There may be another 30 minutes gone. I'm not sure, because I have several windows open, so that one can be just me reading another page without needing to find it again, and then it's not in the history. It can be true like that. Half an hour feels a long time, I know writing takes time, but reading doesn't, not that much, but that's not solid evidence, just suspected.

Then the next gap, 1 hour 10 minutes. Can't figure out what I would've been doing, because there's no new pages opened, so it can't be me reading the forum. If it would be, all forum pages I opened would be there, but there's nothing. I searched one video from DissociaDID, it lasts 12 and half minutes. It can not take 1 hour 10 minutes, not even with me going to bathroom and having snack while watching.

Then again 40 minutes missing. I read two different threads in here where I knew was something that triggers us. At this point I read another one of those. There's only 3 messages I think, or 4, and they're short. I didn't stay there, I didn't read the triggering part, only those other messages that are short, but history says I spent there 40 minutes. I didn't, I remember opening it and then leaving right after, wondering why did I even go there at all. So that 40 minutes is clearly missing, because it's missing from where I think I was doing actively something that according to history I didn't.

So it's 1 hour 10 minutes + 40 minutes + some time before 10 pm missing, and parts of history erased for sure. Jules (formerly known as Fourteen) was out after reading that trigger stuff that was his trigger, so it was maybe him those last 40 minutes at least, or all of it.

This is the first time when I've noticed time missing by checking it. Before it has been shorter periods, so time can go faster sometimes, but I still see it, because I have habit of keeping an eye on it. But now I didn't, not than keenly, and even when time was missing several times in a row with me in here between lost time, I didn't check the time while I was in here and was able to see suddenly hours missing. Not just fast hours, but missing hours.

Now that I start thinking about it, it has happened lately before too, but I didn't check, because somehow I didn't realize, I just thought that's weird, but forgot to suspect amnesia. It was 11 pm and then I did some stuff for couple of hours max, and it's 5 am. And I didn't realize.

When Jules wrote his first message to Little's hardcore thread, he started at maybe 1 am or 1.30 am co-con with me. We were finished around 6 am or after that. I was dozing. Don't know what he did, but he didn't write without me. I was super tired and sleeping some of that time, but he wasn't tired and didn't wanna go to bed.

It took more than 2 hours to write this. Didn't do editing. I'm still losing time.

Sounds like this could be about him now, about "Fourteen" who is not 14 anymore.. He's younger and can't hide himself that well. But he doesn't have to even try. I just hope he tells me when he comes and doesn't self harm. Staying co-con with an adult part, Sami or Lucas would be great, you can choose anyone. He's bit young to be left alone for hours, so please Jules let someone bigger be there with you now. And you do know what computer stuff is forbidden, it's for everyone's safety. There's more ice cream, you can have it all, it's OK.

Counted wrong way, it took about 1,5 hours to write this.

Trigger warning, possible self harm and other stuff. I'm not sure what needs a TW, so read with caution.

For some reason part of my lower lip is blue in color, just saw it from a bathroom mirror. It's not swollen or anything, just blue. I have no clue how it has happened. I know there's a boy in Jules' system who hurts their mouth, but he has never taken over in here, not that I know of. The lip is not hurting or anything, it can be that a blood vessel snapped on it's own. I'm just writing things down to not forget them.

It felt scary to see my face in the mirror, I know I'm not alone in body, because I didn't recognize myself like usually. It reminds me of a horror movie, to look into a mirror, and there's someone else looking back at you. I was staring at the mirror without moving or blinking at all for some reason and tat looked scary, like a doll or something in the mirror. I know how I look like, but it felt it's still not me. More like someone who pretends to look like me. I didn't feel body dysphoria, but like it would be a demon instead of me.

Demon, we've been thinking about demons for some reason a lot now. Why? Oh yeah, it was the accusation from Zor's "friend". Maybe someone too young has been aware of something they'd be better not to be involved with, because they do get scared and don't know demons don't exist. We're all safe.

Things have been different now that Jules is younger. He's closer to the mind, more relaxed, he blends with me a lot. I'm missing time, there was full day I think I slept throughout the whole day, and I think when it happens, it means someone else is out, body is not sleeping for real. I was wondering before, if Jules gets closer to the body, does that mean more symptoms are gonna leak out, because he has way more symptoms than I do, all troubled trauma parts are in his system that were kind of behind him before. I think the answer is yes, more symptoms are leaking in here, out from the inner world. More time missing etc.

He has been mostly happy that I know of. He's been playing with the football to the point my inner thighs are sore. He has trained to go around obstacles, we made a track out of dumbbells and kettlebells for him to zigzag between them inside the house, and he certainly has trained. And read comics too, done some exercising and more playing with the ball. He's been out a lot with me, but we are blended. I need to be more aware of it to communicate with him, and not just live like I was him.

We've been eating like a growing boy as well tho, which may not be that good thing on long run. Not bad unhealthy things, just lot of food. But he has been very active physically too, I don't think it does any harm. But he has a part with eating disorder too, anorexic type, so I guess I'm happy he's eating and not feeling bad about it, and try to aware of not trying to fix it the way that triggers his eating disorder.

We didn't go to therapy on Monday, not this week or week before that. We had no reason to skip this week, just didn't want to go. It hasn't happened before, and I made a promise when I started therapy I will go also if it's hard or I don't want to. It has not been hard in there, I think our situation is just mixed up. I guess it wasn't the adult me making the decision to not go.

I've been having summer break from work, just for two weeks, and things are kind of getting out of control. No one is more upset or unhappy than usually, in a way all is good. But there's no control like there used to.

I'll go tomorrow to dogsit for 4-5 days and after that start working again on Thursday. I think having routines like that will be good for us now. We haven't needed clear structured days before, but I guess we will need them now with bunch of tweens in the system all the sudden. They need adult support way more than a teenager did.

Jules is not doing anything bad or wrong, he's just 11.

I'm not used to things being all over the place, I feel I wanna be hospitalized. But usually when I start to feel that way it's coming from Jules, or some part of their system, who hopes for help, and to be looked after. It usually haven't been actually me with the thought in the end. He gets tired because people don't know about hi, and he's been treated like an adult too much. He wants to go to hospital for someone to take care of him.

I need to take better care of him an be an adult for him, not just blend with him.

I think I'll write a mail to our T tomorrow, I think she knows there's something going on anyway, because we haven't skipped therapy before.

I hope Jules can get help he hopes for from our T now, or that we could help some other parts from their system now.

OK, we're gonna go to bed and read some comics and start sleeping. Sorry for all typos, I'm don't care enough to correct them. I just wanna go to bed now.

We've been taking care of our dog sitting doggy a lot lately. I told to the owner I'm depressed, and next weekend she asks someone else to come so I have some time to myself, ourselves. This weekend I'm living at their place like usually. I was here last weekend too and on Tuesday I think, or something similar. Last weekend I suddenly realized we don't have any toys with us, Leon was thinking about the little boy figure he got from our T. He has not played with any toys that I know of for long time, but they're all on the shelf at home, so they're easily accessible if he wants to.

I was really tired yesterday evening, didn't pack anything ready (it's just one night anyway), but was thinking about toys, that I need to remember take the boy figure Leon likes with us this weekend. I went to bed and put the alarm early enough so we have time to pack our bag before going to work, and from after work straight in here, where the doggy we take care of lives.

Woke up on the Morning and was packing stuff. I remember looking at the toys on the shelf and thinking I need to remember to take the boy. The I got distracted by something and I continued packing clothes. I made sure I have all keys, home, doggy's home and work keys with me, checked the pocket in my backpack if work keys are there, and instead of keys, I found the boy figure. I know I didn't put it there. At that point whole toy thing was erased from my mind, and I would've forgot to take it. The "distraction" in my thoughts when I was looking at the toys was Leon taking over and packing the boy himself. I don't remember it, because he took care of it, it was like totally new thing to me when I found the toy from the bag. When the memory of him taking over was deleted, the whole toy thing was deleted too for a moment.

For the first time I know, or can be pretty sure about who it was, when something was off. Leon did it really well, he took his toy, and is allowed to take it with us whenever he wants. And he was aware of time, that we didn't have much extra time, so he just took it and didn't start playing or doing anything that would've meant we will miss our bus.

I told him it was well done and my face smiled back at me the way he smiles.

I need to start journaling again. Frequently. I did at some point, but then gave it up. It's more and more obvious others do come out, probably several times a day, for short periods and for longer ones, but never more than couple of hours. Somehow getting new proof about it is still always totally new thing to me. I hope one day they will write to me, when we are not co-con. That's how I can be sure it really came from them, and I didn't add anything in it that was my own thoughts and not theirs.

Instead of getting scared or anything else negative, I feel always really happy when there's something proofing they're real, because I'm a daydreamer as well. I feel like jumping because I'm so happy about Leon packing his toy all by himself. It doesn't sound like big news but REAL PROOF is always as big news to me as it was the first time.

edit. I tried to use step counter at home, when I was on my laptop, because I think that's the most common thing I do when others know all is fine and they can come out. I have used it only twice. I have no clue if someone came out, because pedometer showed several steps and about 0,5 km journey, or if it's too sensitive and counts writing as steps. I need to put it around my ankle next time, then writing can not distract it. It's cheap one, I got it free because I ordered something else and it was gift for all who order that stuff.

SeveralCrows wrote:We'd also like to affirm that yes, boys can be abused. Anyone can be abused. Anyone.

^^^^^ THAT! YES!
Too often we see posts about abuse and it's "when a child is abused she feels..." as if ONLY girls are... Abuse is a HUMAN crime... not a gender-specific crime.

There are thoughts coming up to my mind about Jules, as a 14 year old, he's just moved to Millrock. That's how things were before he get too tired, wanted to get younger and suddenly changed. I don't know if he's rested enough now and is growing back to 14 year old. Or if he grew already. What ever, my mind wants to tell again the story about his first weekend in the house.

It's weird. I don't remember when he changed to be 11 and why, what happened then or did anything.

I'm ######6 mad. And can't tell why because it's Sami's feeling. And that makes me more ######6 mad.

WHEN THE ###$ THERE'S GONNA BE TIME AND PLACE WHERE WE CAN BE ANGRY AND NOT BE REJECTED BECAUSE WE FEEL