Observations

Fourteen was triggered again here in forum. Someone said it out loud, that being gay is not fine, God doesn't like gays. He's not that religious, but it's the biggest abandonment there is, to be abandoned even by God. He wrote an answer, but we didn't post it where it happened. I don't know if it would have been fair, because someone said it about themself, not about him. But it means all the people, They do need to realize they are telling every gay person in here they are not fine, when they say that aloud.

I kind of understand it. They feel like that about themselves, like Fourteen feels things about himselves. Or how he thinks about men, and women. The thoughts are not fair, they are what he believes in because that's how he has experienced life, he doesn't mean to attack anyone with his beliefs. He's so sad he has been attacked with them, but he needed to submit to it and believe it's true. He says things he can not hear other people saying without falling deep deep down.

I don't think it's fair for Fourteen if I keep talking to people who make him feel the way he feels about himself now. It's not fair for others too, that we talk to people who look down to them because of who they love. We do wanna avoid religious people who are against gay or trans people etc. Because it means they are against us, or they believe their God is. I'm failing to protect him and us if we don't avoid people who think like that.

He doesn't identify being gay, but he knows it's what people would call things done to him and things he's done. And the fact he does love another boy. I feel him wanting to get younger again, to avoid something. Not the problem itself tho, it wouldn't change that, only the part of loving a guy. He felt like that before too, some time ago he wanted to be younger than 14, but I wasn't sure then, and am not now either, if it's because tweens in their system are triggered to come out, and they are younger, they don't feel they're fourteen, because they aren't.

He tries to get younger "for real". In the inner world. Tries to change, so that their body would be twelve, or eleven. I don't know where the teens are, are they blending with tweens or gone missing. Bad news is that tweens can't take care of their body, they are not into realities enough to take care of daily life. And he doesn't wanna be hospitalized in the inner world, it would be new abandonment. It would mean to him he's abandoned because he feels bad. So that's a punishment about not being happy enough, although they're sad because they know they are been despised so they despise themselves too. And they don't have to be hospitalized if they don't get too suicidal, they will be helped to remember eat and drink and go to toilet and shower. In real world he would maybe want to, be hospitalized I mean. He'd wanna be taken care of, and that someone would validate he feels bad ad needs help. I try to do that, but am not sure how can I help him, what do I do exactly.

Here's what he wrote then, answer to someone saying being gay is wrong, TW for traumatic beliefs about pretty much everything.

We just wanted to be loved. We were, although it was hard sometimes.
Nobody asked us, and we didn't know.
Some people said it's trauma, because we have DID. And some of us wanted to belief. We tried to forgive ourselves and tried to say the trauma and abuse words instead of being guilty. But people who were abused told we were wrong. We're boys, we are born dirty with sickening body and mind. Boys are abusers, our feelings and thought are bad.
It was hard, it was too hard for some of us to be guilty when they almost believed they're not. All didn't make it thru with still wanting to live, some broke. We really believed for a moment, but it was stupid. It was so ######6 stupid, and we should've known. Some of us knew all the time, they knew it's all our fault. We're a sinner, but some of us wanted to be good so bad.
We try not to feel warm feelings for girls, we don't wanna abuse them. Sometimes it's hard. It's hardest for littlest ones. They see other boys with girls and they don't know why we're different and why they're different themselves like that. Their feelings are so big when they're told to be abusers, it's hard to bear it. They can't, they'll break.
It can feel so pure for them to feel something, when in reality it's most awful thing there can be.
We don't wanna make new victims. I don't know why we thought we could be victims like women. It was so stupid. I don't wanna see our littlest accused again, and that's why we don't feel for girls or look at them. It's a rule no one is allowed to break.
We still wanna be loved. We went back to were we once were. And we're loved by men or other boys only, then there's no victims. I know Imma sinner because I chose that. We chose it to be good instead of abusers, but it doesn't matter. I'm sorry for the ones who didn't want to, or didn't want to be looked down that way, but we need to be accepted by someone to stay alive. We need someone who likes us being boys and can look at us and touch us and think we're what they want. That we're perfect the way we are. Then we're safe for that moment. Not before or after it, but for that moment we can feel safe.
We can't erase the past anyway. We did what shouldn't be done already, so it doesn't matter if we repeat it.
Some of us are scared of dying, because that's when we're gonna be punished for eternity over what we did and what it makes us to be.
God is love. Sacrificed his only son to forgive. We're abandoned by what is pure forgiving love to other people. That's when you realize how stupid it was to think someone will understand, or that we could be like other people.
We don't wanna live either. What ever we do, is wrong. I'd wanna know what would other people, the ones who look down to us, choose if they were us. To be abusers or sinners?
We know what we are, but we don't know why. We don't know who to say sorry to. We don't know what is more right or wrong, when we are wrong anyway. We try to have help sometimes, but then we remember again why there isn't any.
It never was our wish to start talking to you. We saw you didn't want us, we saw it before. It was other people who don't wanna believe we're right. They wanna believe in good things, but there isn't any.

After he wrote what he did, he pretty much disappeared. I'm not sure who exactly wrote, it was him, but was he already blending with someone else. I don't know. But now it's just tweens.

I feel urge to think about stories about younger Fourteen. Moving to Millrock. Start their story in there all over again, with them being younger. I don't know if it helps them. Does that happen in the inner world now that they're trying to get young anyway, and that's why I have pictures and feelings from there I wanna look at closer. Or do they need me believing in it, to make it happen for real, because it's world I designed for them? If it helps them, does it help them for real or just now, but is harmful later on? But I think if it can't be that way, the story will just disappear, and nothing changes permanently. There has been so many stories before that didn't stick. Only some do.

Parts are allowed to decide their age themselves, aren't they? If he can't be older than 12 at max now, then he's allowed to be younger. And if it's just a younger part, they are younger anyway, they can have their younger body too. It's just a good thing they can actually have their younger body out in the inner world, if we just change the story for it to happen. And if it's just about different parts fronting, teens will come back when they feel better again, and continue their life from where it was before. If it makes them feel more safe, it can't be harmful, can't it?

So I will tell a story about them starting in Millrock and they're younger. They can be 11. It means they still live in trauma, but in Millrock they're safe, and we're not gonna let them go back home as long as story is like this. They're not in therapy in the inner world yet. They don't have diagnosis in there yet. But they can go to Millrock and be safe in there although their whole life isn't safe yet. They're gonna get help they didn't have when they were this young in the version of story where they are older. So it can't do any harm. It can only make things better. It either helps them now temporarily, and then it's like it never happened if they get older again. Or maybe we can now help them in their past. Rami will realize they have DID. They can be saved earlier. And they're gonna feel better because of it when they'll be 14, if they do grow older. I can't know if they will re-do themselves now and stay 11.

We're feeling abandoned. Someone really hoped someone would've said something to us, noticed somehow. I know it's no one's fault or doesn't mean anything, we rarely comment on anyone's journal threads so we shouldn't be sad if they don't comment us either. But there aren't feelings that "shouldn't be". They can be, feelings are OK. I know it comes from .. I don't know how to call him now that he's younger. Jules? I'm an adult and can understand realities, but he feels things regardless of realities.

Fourteen is somewhere because he's still triggered and we feel abandoned. And it doesn't come from the story inside.

Inside is different than I thought. Like somehow I didn't realize if we make their body 11, it doesn't mean it's just his 11 year old parts, or tween parts. It means their whole personality, including host personality, becomes 11 too. And there are several older parts who can not exist, because they aren't there yet. Or maybe they are younger too. I don't know if you can undo parts, if they are real they have to be somewhere. I haven't known him ever that young before, I don't know how he will be like. He will be a child. It feels weird. But if he needs to, that's OK. He really struggled being teen.

Somehow I'm not sure if it fits. He maybe needs to be 12. I don't know. Nothing much happens. We are just getting ready for him to come. There needs to be a background story. Millrock is for 13-17 years old teens, who live there permanently, until they move to live independently. Why do they take in someone younger? Rami can decide so, maybe there isn't room anywhere and someone just asks can they take few younger ones. And he says yes.

Where is he coming from? Home? Foster? Hospital? For some reason he has his sister with him, they'll move in together. But we don't have story yet. They are not ready yet. But something is developing.

It took us over a year last time to start all over again with him, when he became permanently 14. We just got his story ready to start. He moved in. We tried several different stories to that, until one felt right and then we could move on. And actually they weren't even living in there yet, they were still in hospital, but spending their weekends at Millrock, because they are gonna move in after released from hospital. And it was their first weekend visiting in the house. We had his first day ready, what happens late in the evening or during the night hadn't happened yet, but we got him in the house. It took more than a year in outside time to have them there for their about 10 first hours in the house.

And now we are starting all over again. But that's what we do if it's what they need. My mind feels so weird when I think of him, because he feels so young. There's no teen angst. There's just a boy. He could write in the little's thread. That's so weird.

It can't be just because someone said they don't act bisexual because they're religious. It has to be something bigger, because I feel how young he is, and it's him, like host him, not any tween trauma part from their system. And their body is younger.

I don't know are they 11 or 12, but I guess I'm gonna find out.

Is this because I realized Leon used to be exactly like Lucas could've been as 4 year old, before he went in to change and came out looking like Fourteen, but little, and calling himself Little Leon? Where is he now? Is he gonna be still 4?

Last time he tried to go back in time more, but he couldn't. I mean Fourteen. He couldn't because it would've mean we undo parts. Parts that were born when he was 14. That's why 14 was the youngest he could be. But it's not anymore. Although I can not know how this will go, but we couldn't even try last time, and I can feel him being young. And there is this random feeling of being abandoned floating around I can not tell where it comes from.

I don't know how it can happen and and I don't care. I try to be quiet and let things happen, and watch it developing without interfering too much.

Hi Floralie,

Sorry you're feeling abandoned. We want you to know, we read this, we hear you. We can't respond to everything we read tho, cos sometimes we don't have the energy, sometimes we get overwhelmed, and sometimes we just don't know what to say.

V2 & team Flux

I read most of your post yesterday, but I wasn't sure what to say. I'm sorry that Fourteen was triggered even though he realized that the person was just talking about themselves. It does sound like it's related to bigger things--I mean, that's one definition of a trigger: something that happens in the present that relates to past experiences in a way that stirs up feelings related to the past and not really to the thing that just happened.

I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned. That's a hard feeling. I'm always reading everything on this forum (probably too obsessively), but it's hard to respond sometimes--either a post is triggering, or I have too much going on inside to expend the energy, or I'm feeling worthless and like I don't have anything to offer.

Hy, I read your posts to and just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that im also just reading on the forum right now and not able to react. Feeling very stuck and far away somehow. Hope you will sort things out a little in the next few days so you will feel better again.

We're here to say that we also read the posts. I personally tend not to reply on other people's threads just because I'm really not good with words if they don't involve a practical suggestion of some sort. Majority of us feel that it's not our place to comment on someone else's "private" place.
Sorry if you felt ignored. You're really not (all of you).

Hope things will get better soon.

Thank you for your messages. I wrote a longer message, comment to everyone individually, but then erased it. Try to keep it short and simple for once, so thanks.

Nothing wrong with short and simple! Also nothing wrong with long and complex

I am here to say I missed all of it. I am very sorry parts of you were triggered.

Why does some random person's uninformed opinion send your part off the rails?

Una+ wrote:I am here to say I missed all of it. I am very sorry parts of you were triggered.

Why does some random person's uninformed opinion send your part off the rails?

Because that's his truth as well. He has been able to live without remembering the dilemma for a while from time to time, short periods, until someone reminds him, and it starts all over again. His own sexuality is way too much for him to handle. He uses it to self regulation, can not be without. Then holds huge guilt about being sexual person, because of people in the outside world say things that reminds him how wrong it is all he time. Last time it was a book where someone said boys can't be abused. this week it's someone saying the ways he is sexual, and has been abused are a sin, his sin, because you can not abuse boys. It was too separate people saying the things, but in his mind they are just people who agree. Because he links those things together like that. And at the same time he tries to be a boy who grows up, goes thru puberty and is respected and accepted by his peers, both other teen boys and on the other hand all the people who randomly comment on how scary and disgusting they find men. As long as we spend time in places like this forum, he will se those comments. He should be protected from abused women, because they're a group more likely to attack him. Not personally, but telling their truths that are also about him. Just like religious people do as well.

He can never please them all, that's why he can not grow, he's stuck in the guilt. Having puberty is way too much, he simply can not do it.

And he doesn't do it anymore. He couldn't. So now he's back to being younger. Things are more simple when you're eleven. There can be trauma, but there's no too much growing up yet. There's no true puberty yet. There's no sexuality of teen boy's yet. He can't do that stuff. He could've if there would've been help and support and people responding he's not bad, but when there's people randomly being hurtful and ignorant instead, it's juts more and more guilt, and more and more attempts to self regulate which makes it even worse.

He'd have needed help desperately. But in order to have hep he would need to accept that in fact he's not who he is, but some weirdo living in adult female body and his experiences don't make any sense thru that body. He gets way too triggered about the body to use it and be recognized as him. So to get help, he'd have needed to have more even more complicated problems, so he couldn't. And he went back in. He soothed down again. Tried to reach out again, but people telling things he can not handle hearing won't ever stop.

Now he's younger.

I couldn't do it either, to grow up sexually and become someone who can call themselves a woman. No, it's way too sexually grown up word to describe me. He can not grow to be man either, that is straight our threatening word to him. Being 14 forever didn't help either. It made him be stuck in the phase he can not survive from. And he didn't. And things feel way more simple now, his mind feels light and clear.

T thought there's something he's trying to tell about those years now, years of being 11 or 12. But I don't actually think so. I think he just showed how growing up is still impossible, and he stopped trying. I think he showed being 14 is impossible. It was for me too, that's a year when I really couldn't handle things anymore.