Observations

Well done.

We just want to validate your feelings. They are okay, and so are you.

MDs

Floralie wrote:I'm ######6 mad. And can't tell why because it's Sami's feeling. And that makes me more ######6 mad.

WHEN THE ###$ THERE'S GONNA BE TIME AND PLACE WHERE WE CAN BE ANGRY AND NOT BE REJECTED BECAUSE WE FEEL

I am sorry you feel there you are always rejected for feeling angry. I accept you are angry and I don't reject you. It's okay to feel how you feel, you and Sami.

I remembered something from the childhood. It's something I've kind of always remembered, but you don't think about things you remember all the time. By always remembering I mean just that when it has been on my mind, it has never felt like "new" memory, but something that we remember every now and then. It's the first time I remember being co-conscious with Sami. Then I just didn't have a clue why I had two ways of understanding the same situation, or two separate situations actually, all the way. I think I remember it, because "I" acted so out of character then, I didn't really know how to explain it.

It was actually a nice situation, something very rare. Our whole family was in the kitchen, I was maybe something from 6 to 10 years old, I don't know how old exactly. My dad was saying nice things to my mom, called her something similar like honey or something like that. I don't remember the actual words, I remember him using pet names, everyone was on a good mood. But at the same time I heard him calling her names, bad names, the ones he always used when drunk. And I was also angry. I wanted to make him stop, and decided that if it ever happens like that again, I will kick him. I remember both sides clearly, how it was nice and he was clearly affectionate and said nice things, and how I still heard bad names too and got angry too.

Then it did happen again, some other day. Situation exactly like that, in the kitchen, he was talking nicely to my mom and I knew it. But still didn't now it at all, and I did what I had decided, got up from the chair, walked to him and kicked his leg. That was so out of character from me everyone was just stunned. I went back sitting and started to cry. No one was angry, my both parents asked me why did I do that, seriously just not understanding what happened, and they asked what I heard him saying. And I said the bad names, the ones used so often otherwise. And they explained me it's not what was said, but nice things, and my dad was kind of ashamed. And I remember thinking I know, I know it was nice things, because I heard it the right way. But little Sami probably didn't know you can call someone names that are nice.

I thought I didn't have any memories like that about other parts being there, that I only felt presence, but never thoughts or anything. I can't remember things when asked, I can't scan my memories and find right ones if something is asked from me about the past. I remember stuff when it happens to come to my mind for some reason, and I don't know why this came to my mind now.

I'm kind of happy about the memory. I'm always happy when I find proof, and I thought I was lacking proof from past, that I just remember parts/maladaptive daydreaming stuff from when I was a teen. But I have at least this one memory of there being two of us. And I never understood what happened then, because it didn't make sense, but I wasn't too shocked about it either. And I think if it happened once, it probably was not the only time. More likely wasn't than was. It's like with losing time, when I got to know they are able to do it so flawlessly, I knew it has always happened and I've not just been aware, but it would be very unlikely for it to start at this age suddenly and only happen one time. If I was able to feel their feelings and think their thoughts once, it probably wasn't only time I was.

Sami thought dad was mean to mom and he made him stop. And now I know too that I was right about that too, that it has not been me who has done all care taking things, Sami has been involved, and now I just want my mom to know it, to understand that the daughter she wants back from mean Sami who showed her the door, is not actually the one she wants back. I'm just an avoider and boys do all work there is. Maybe I'm the one who actually doesn't give a $#%^, because Sami is all about defending people who can't defend themselves.

It doesn't matter, he's the one building boundaries now, and if he's the one who's been abused for being too nice before, it's even sweeter.

I'm writing things down again just to remember.

Today Leon took over for (probably) just few seconds to add two smiling emojis to a post I was writing to a little, Peter. He's not close to me the way I could type what he thinks, but he was close enough to know what's happening and suddenly there was 3 smiling faces instead of one that I added.

He has done that once before the way I know for sure it was him taking control of the body while I blacked out for very brief moment. Then he did it to put his toy into our backpack because we were gonna stay elsewhere overnight.

He can't write all by himself, but he can choose emojis and he did. I haven't payed any attention lately to possible time losing. It kind of doesn't matter. Now I remember it again different way. Not that this time I would've forgotten it happens, it's just something that doesn't matter. Today it mattered, because the emojis in the message felt so cute to me, when I know he did it all by himself to tell he's happy.