reality check + why are sleepovers normal

why the ###$ are sleepovers normal?

why does my child get invited to spend the night at the house of a person I have never met?

wtf? no.

if I have not known you for over 10 years there shall be no sleep over.

i just don't ######6 get it. kid is 10 now gets invited to more and more. seriously. families I don't know at all. just got invited to a bday party with sleepover invite for the "best" friends. I don't give a ###$. not happening.

am I being a nut job? or are they ######6 crazy? why does society think this $#%^ is normal. they are ######6 STRANGERS. that's my child. hell no.

I guess the basic idea is that the girls do girly stuff without the parents. and that people who have children themselves are kind of good people and only treat all children nicely.

when we were at a sleepover as a child we never slept at night. we always listened for when the father would come in.

we would probably not allow it either and our kid would probably hate us for it and everyone would think we are crazy and paranoid. but we know statistics. And if its not family it is neighbors or friends of the family

In most cases where a child is hurt its someone the kid knows not the stranger's kids are always told to watch out for. So we would never agree either but we never intend to have kids either.

I think it's normal because people seem to have an idealised idea of the world. It's stranger's that are the danger. You can spot bad people easily. The bad thing won't happen to me it'll happen to someone else. That kind of bollocks.

I went on lots of sleepovers and so did my kids. I have also hosted many sleepovers. I can't believe that this is the first one your kid has ever been invited to, at age 10!

The kids are in a group at a sleepover--it's all group activities, and they are rarely alone. Parents are there just to serve food and get out of the way.

Things you can do to feel more comfortable:

--review what you've taught your daughter about how to protect herself, good and bad touch, etc. I'm SURE you've already done this.

--meet them first. I don't think I EVER let my kids stay over at the home of someone I hadn't met. And I was more worried about guns and alcohol than any kind of abuse. Invite the girl over for a playdate so you can meet at least one parent, or ask if you can visit before the party.

I haven't had the same experiences as you (not to my knowledge anyway), so my perspective is different, but this is definitely one of those childhood/teen things that kids do and I think it's important for their social life.

As a kid I had sleepovers, home and away, and nothing bad ever happened or even seemed about to happen during a sleepover. I usually didn't sleep, though. Too excited. Too overfed. Too on guard.

When my kids were first invited to sleepovers I did have to at least be acquainted with the parents, at first. I also had to consider if being acquainted was good enough, which it isn't. We none of us have any idea what goes on in a home when we are not there to witness it. I realized all I can do is say yes or no. In time I relaxed enough not to worry much about. That said, if I had a bad feeling about the family or any detail of the situation I would say no.

In any case, if it is way outside your comfort zone, don't agree to it. You can say why, or not. Totally your choice. You are safe now, and so are your kids.

We have also hosted many sleep overs and have had our children sleep over at other people's house. Though I have to say the oldest is a boy and while that certainly doesn't mean boys aren't targets it is probably less triggering for me.

My friends also have many friends that aren't allowed sleepovers. So if your daughter isn't allowed then it won't be unusual either. I haven't had to deal with them being invited to sleepovers without knowing the families yet. However this may come before us now because we have moved.

I agree with Una - you are safe, she is safe. Can you handle having other girls over? Could you instead invite the girl to sleep at your place?

K lets the 5 year old go to sleepovers. She's had 2 at a friend's house from school, and several with a cousin.

K must meet the parents of the other child first, and then we rely on Delilah and Lilly's intuition to decide if it is ok or not.

However, there is no sexual abuse trauma in our past, and we realize that the presence of such trauma could definitely play a factor in a parents outlook on such things.

Perhaps setting up a meeting with the parents "Hey, would you like to come over for coffee? I'd really like to meet you before the sleep over." Or, setting up a play-date, where you stay at the house and visit with the other parents while the girls play. Or, how about setting up the sleepover at your house if it's just going to be the two girls, rather than a whole gaggle of them.

Val.

Before she was a teenager, sleepovers were only ok if I/we (daughter and me) already knew the family who invited her and the kids already played with each other (not just before the sleepover to get to know each other). People did not think this was weird of me or anything. It's not just about the risk, it's also about your child probably not feeling comfortable enough to sleep in a home of strangers. And rightly so:)

This 'loosened up' when she got older and she now makes wise decisions herself about this stuff.

OMG! I just realized we think EVERY adult is an abuser! There's NICE ones and MEAN ones ---- but every adult IS one. That can't be right - can it???? I mean somebody must treat their kid ok. Maybe just a little bit. OH F*CK! This is TOTALLY rocking my world!

Cody

Me and my sister shared a room as kids, but we did small in-house-sleepovers together sometimes and moved our beds next to each other. We weren't always allowed, but when we were, it was so fun. We never had anyone else but one cousin spending night in our home, because our parents were alcoholics and traumatized and everything in our life was just a big secret we needed to always be scared of someone finding out. This cousin came from family of alcoholics too, he was son of my dad's brother, and he came with his parents, so all adults could get drunk together. I loved it when he came, we were friends, but my sister hated it. She was alone when I played with our cousin, and all the adults were drunk, so she didn't want them to come.

I was having sleep overs few times in some of my friends houses. My mom was very protective, but the truth was, the families I visited were lot nicer and healthier environment than our own home. It was like peeking into normality for one night. My mom really didn't get it, that keeping us close to her did nothing good for us. Only for her. She could not stop worrying about things that weren't true at all, the real problems were in our family, not anywhere else. But I am happy I got to go away sometimes. But I was also very shy and worried child. Not because what would happen to me off home, but because that is how we were raised, to think everyone is a threat and everything is always dangerous and the world is bad. The truth was world around us was not bad, we lived in a nice small city with mostly happy, normal families, our home was the bad one. But how can a kid tell the difference, when even parents can't.

If you come from good home and were hurt by strangers, I can get why the danger alarms start yelling when someone asks your child to visit their home. My background is the opposite, and I get triggered when I think about kids who have traumatized parents and who are not allowed out. Having sleepovers is normal. It is fun, like an adventure to a child, totally different from visiting at daytime. Also if someone wants to hurt kids, why would it happen in the night time but couldn't at the daytime? But I think there are many kind of neighborhoods and many kind of parents, and of course it's not safe to let your kids out without knowing where they really are. But to me a family, who is willing to ask a bunch of strangers kids to have a sleepover in their home associates more as an open kind of family without dark secrets. Dark secrets are kept behind the curtains and locked doors.

My sisters kids are having in-home-sleepovers sleeping in each others rooms all the time when they want to, and it's really normal in their neighborhood to have sleepovers in friends homes without any specific invitations. They just call if they can stay for the night and they can. Not every night or school nights, but on weekends and holidays. It is also very important to her to keep "doors open" and they basically never draw the curtains. It's because she really doesn't want to have the secretive life with closed doors to her children like we did.

I've decided not to have kids. I am too traumatized to not to pass it over to the next generation, so I decided not to parent.