I know my main trauma is just the totally disturbed atmosphere in our home when I grew up. And the fact we had no other adults in our life, so me and my sister were totally on our own mentally. There was never anyone to support our feelings. If we had feelings, our dad got upset and attacked our mom. Just verbally, even non verbal ways, by just short breath and the look, but we knew it meant danger to our mom. Actually, he very rarely was physically abusive. But as we have discussed about it later on with my sister, there is no difference if the hitting actually happened that time or not, the possibility of it was always real and affected like it would have happened every time. The fear we had was the same.
I thought for years I was very close to my mom, until I realized she was the healthier one of them who always had the chance to safe herself and us from there, but instead of doing that, she turned to us, her children, and told us how awful her life was and how awful our dad and his family were. It was true, we felt for her and protected her. We advised and begged for them to break up, but she didn't turn to us to get advice, she just wanted us to support her, and she went on with life like always. It was a custom, always after their fights when dad had past out, we went to look for her from outside, told it's safe to came in, and she vented about her problems. Never once she even had a slightest thought about asking how this all affected to us.
She always said we can talk to her about anything and she will always be on our side. But in the reality, she never asked about any of those things. In order for kids to tell about their hardships, it is the parents job to regularly ask questions and care, and listen. When I was a teenager, and my classmates were so concerned about me they went to talk about me to school psychologist and she came to me asking if I would want to start to visit her, my mom said it was OK, but I am not allowed to tell anything that happens at home. She wasn't concerned about me, she was concerned someone could find out about her drinking and the shameful truth our life was not normal like she pretended.
Like they wouldn't known it already. The house we lived in was not in the condition to anyone to live in. My dad looks like an alcoholic without any doubts. The fact is, she wanted us to be there for her, but she was never there for us. Now she has also admitted that, that she chose to do things easy, not the right way. I do know she has been very depressed also and probably didn't have energy to my problems when they came obvious. Also she has an ability to forget bad things like they wouldn't exist, just like my dad does as well.
And after forbidding me to tell the truth, she was amazed I had lied to the psychologist, and told her stories from my imaginary life. What the heck did she expect me to do in there, not tell the truth, but not lie either? Now I am able to be angry about all this, but then I didn't see her doing anything wrong.
When I was about 20, I had been hospitalized once for my problems and I had been on rehab for dug abuse (legal drugs like bentsodiazepines and codein). I was, for some reason I don't remember, meeting a social worker and she saw from my papers I had that kind of history. I was still living at home, and she said the city can give me my own apartment immediately, so I don't have to live in there with my parents anymore. I was too old to be the customer of child protection service anymore, but they were willing to give me my own home to live in. But I was still so brain washed by my mother, I replied I can not move out, because then my mom would be left alone with my dad. That is what mom kept telling me. My sister had already moved out. The social worker was the first one who told me, my mom is not just an innocent victim. She is an adult who makes her own choices. And just now she is choosing to use me to able her to continue the way of life she is having, at my cost. It's been 20 years when I first heard it from the social worker, and I'm still slowly figuring out how true it was.
Now that my sister has children of her own, the new generation of trauma free children after many generations of traumatized, I can see how she (my mom) has no ability to take any responsibility of children at all. We were very easy to control when we were children, but it was not due to normal discipline and rules to protect us, like it has to be if she babysits for my sisters kids, it was all this disturbed relationships between people that inhibited us from having identity or any feeling of our own. We were under a very strict control all the time, without anyone ever needing to do any discipline or give any rule. My mom has always been proud how well behaved and easy children she had, and I'm starting to feel angry about that. We weren't well behaving, we were in total alarm state all the time. We weren't easy, we simply lack all the things we would have needed, but never had.
In a way I, and my sister as well, do know our parents love us. They have not harmed us to be mean or sadistic, they have harmed us with being so clueless and having problems way too deep for them to handle. But the truth also is my mom has always loved our dad way more she did us, and she still does. It's probably codependency as well, but it is clear who comes first. It is also clear our relationships had not changed over time. She still does suicide attempts and then calls me. But when I am having hard times I have no one to turn to, she is the last person I have strength to be in contact with when I'm not well, and I can't take any support from anyone, because I've never learned how, I never had anyone. She can be concerned about me, but not the supporting way. Then she starts calling and expects me to sooth her down to believe everything is fine with me. But I do not play these games anymore. I do not think we are close anymore, I do not think we ever were. It's all just a sick mind game, and I've stopped participating.
In my family our parent always got drunk, but there were NEVER any bottles anywhere. They somehow thought we wouldn't know, if we didn't see the bottles. I think that is even worse than to drink openly. Then we could have known when it starts, and be more relaxed when they were sober. But because of hiding and lying, we could never knew, even if they didn't drink every day, we always needed to be alarmed for them starting to suddenly get drunk.
Lacking support, and parents fighting in front of little kids is way enough to cause severe trauma. Kids do have it in them, the knowledge they can't survive without their parents. And if they cant rely on them, they are in danger, even if no one harms them straightly. There is also studies that tell it is more traumatic to a child to see their parent being abused, than to be abused themselves. The lack of control of your environment is the worst thing. To a little child that is life threatening situation in their minds not to have access to reliable adults if needed. And in families where there is substance abuse and mental problems, kids can never know if they have someone or not.