I've been feeling like I have no control anymore

Hey all I haven't posted in a long time. I have no idea what I am anymore. I feel trapped and like someone's possessing my body. I have conversations with myself through writing in a note book or by typing on the computer. I have a constant feeling of being controlled by some other Force. I've been diagnosed with Skitsoeffective disorder which is a mood disorder similar to bipolar disorder but it's also got auditory "hallucinations" such as voices in my head. I'm trying to write a story currently and Everytime I go to write the "forces" try to interrupt me and say things like "your story is stupid." "Stop writing you suck" and they will actively type this out on the computer using my own two hands. I have no control at that point and I'm just wanting answers. I've talked to several doctors and they all say the same thing. They are all like "i'm sorry we don't know what that is". I haven't had the usual trauma like most people with DID have but it seems to feel like the closest thing to what I'm feeling. At first I had them talking with names but I realized that they weren't real and that I was just hallucinating. Im wondering if this is a minor case of some dissociation. The only thing that happened to me was a traumatic birth. I was wrapped in the cord as a baby. But obviously I came out without suffering major damage. Im wondering if this is what actively led to me getting the "hallucinations". I hear most of the time my own voice talking to me but it's a force thats independent from me. It has a mind of its own. It acts like a alter would act. Having a personality of its own. Has anyone here suffered the same symptoms I'm experiencing? It's really frustrating cause I have zero control over the forces that are pushing to talk through me. The only time I have control is when I'm listening to Kpop or Anime music. But even then my control is very limited. Whatever this force is really hates me and wants nothing but my distruction. Cause they partake in very destructive behaviors that I normally would never even think of doing. I don't wanna call it a they either it's just one voice right now. I'm experiencing symptoms that go beyond what Skitsoeffective is and I just want some insight. I've talked to my psychiatrist but she's no help all she does is boost up the strength of the meds I keep telling her I don't want. Anyway I'm done ranting for now.

I'm not sure why you don't think you have DID. Much of what you've posted or blogged suggests DID. You may have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, but most of us who do have DID have been misdiagnosed with one, usually more other conditions before DID. Alters talking to you from inside are going to appear to be auditory hallucinations. The negative comments are very typical for a persecutor or an introject (or more than one of these). Such comments often reflect the words or sentiments of a very critical person in your early life.

I haven't had the usual trauma like most people with DID have but it seems to feel like the closest thing to what I'm feeling.

If you do have DID and you're not in good communication with your alters who hold the trauma -- and sometimes even if you are -- the host(s), and maybe others, are not going to know about the trauma. This is how DID works, as you probably know.

Elsewhere you posted a long list of "personas" as you called them, with names and ages, and different named parts of you have posted. I'm at a loss to come up with what this might be other than DID. Is it possible to locate and meet with a psychotherapist who has some experience with dissociative disorders and/or childhood trauma? Whatever's going on, you deserve and need to be treated for what's actually happening.

Johnny-Jack wrote: Elsewhere you posted a long list of "personas" as you called them, with names and ages, and different named parts of you have posted. I'm at a loss to come up with what this might be other than DID. Is it possible to locate and meet with a psychotherapist who has some experience with dissociative disorders and/or childhood trauma? Whatever's going on, you deserve and need to be treated for what's actually happening.

Well like i said ive had a normal childhood. There was no trauma like abuse or neglect or anything like alcholism and/or addictions in my family. I was born to two loving parents who are trying to look for answer with me. I first started talking on this forum to help with finding these answers. At first i thought i might have DNOS which I've come to find out is probably not what I have. All thoughts led me towards DID but again I remember most of my childhood and there was no sort of abuse what so ever. I was arguing with my current therapist about having this "condition" a couple months ago. She was saying things like "You haven't had any trauma so how could you have this condition?"
And the reason i posted such a long list was because those were the names that were popping into my head whenever they spoke to me. I think alot of them arent real but thats just me. I know some of them are real but i cant tell which ones are and which ones arent. Everytime I go and type things on this forum its like someone else wants to control me and talk. And most of the time its stuff that makes no sense at all. Other times its a very destructive voice speaking. Or its a protective voice encourging me to keep going. But most if not all the time its either nonsense or the mean voice talking to me. I dont know how to get rid of it and it seems like DID is my only answer at the moment. I know people cant diagnose me on here but im literally at the end of my rope because I have dealt with so much, pardon my french, #######4 these past 2 years of my life. I went through a huge break up. Was stuck in the hospital for almost a month dealing with these quote on quote voices and involuntary body movements. Sometimes its really easy to talk to them other times its really difficult. I just don't know how this happened and why its happening to me of all people. I feel horrible and I just want it to stop or get better but I know it will only get worse until i find the right help. Almost all of what most people would consider alters are "internal" because none of them can actively switch places with me. Ive tried giving them that ability which has made me skeptical of the whole thing since everytime i try to give control they either dont want it or dont care. But when i dont want them having control they start acting all pestering saying they want to talk. So i really really just want to figure out whats wrong with me. Its almost like they know that I get annoyed when I dont want them controling me.
Im just very confused very distraught and wanting answers and everytime I reach for them they get farther and farther away.

The whole POINT of DID is to keep trauma out of one's awareness. So it's possible that you did have some kind of trauma that you don't remember. Also, many things that don't seem traumatic from an adult point of view are traumatic for a child, especially a young child. And especially one who had disorganized attachment.

Anyway, you have to deal with what you HAVE right now, in the present, instead of trying to say that you don't have it because there doesn't appear to have been trauma. And your therapist is quite ignorant if she thinks that just because there's no APPARENT trauma, that you can't be treated for DID. The first steps are to improve communication and cooperation with your alters regardless of the cause. Maybe one of them recalls something that was traumatic that is currently out of your awareness.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:The whole POINT of DID is to keep trauma out of one's awareness. So it's possible that you did have some kind of trauma that you don't remember. Also, many things that don't seem traumatic from an adult point of view are traumatic for a child, especially a young child. And especially one who had disorganized attachment.

. Well for starters the only thing I can remember that was traumatic to me was being bullied in school that's why I would go off on my own because nobody liked or cared about me in school. No one liked me because I was that "weird" kid who nobody could relate to. I can also recall roleplaying with a group of kids during recess I don't remember what about but it was very cringy. I know it wasn't anything sexual because I would've brought it to the attention of the teachers. I was very good about telling people if I was uncomfortable and for some reason these people seemed to understand my struggle for once. Or so it seemed until I pissed them off during a roleplay one day and they started chasing me around the green area. They were going to kill my character off because I made a huge mistake and said too much. They got mad and then the teachers found out about our little roleplay group and split us up because they didn't want me to get hurt.it was mostly males in the group but they made me feel accepted in life so I gave it a go and basically spent like a couple of weeks playing with them. They were a grade above me I believe. They looked older than me I don't remember all the details. And yes this is all me recalling this. I have a relatively good memory. The only years I've forgotten are age 3 and 4 partly because I was always making up stories and those kinda took over my memory. But don't get it confused with blocking out that part of my life. Cause I can remember cracking my head open on a rock at the middle of my 3rd year.i also remember nearly getting myself killed because I thought I was Mary poppins and nearly jumped off a cliff with an umbrella. But my next door neighbors father found me before I jumped off. It was at least a good 10 ft drop if not 15 I definitely would've broken something had he not found me. I was an only child up until 2002 which puts me at at least 4 because my sister was born in March of 2002.

TheGangsAllHere wrote: Maybe one of them recalls something that was traumatic that is currently out of your awareness.

If that were the case which I'm pretty sure it's not but that's just me, I wouldve asked already. So far I'm getting a whole lot of nothing coming from the inside since I've ignored them for like 3 months. I was tired of hearing the bad voices in my head so I was like "screw this I'm not talking to anyone." And stuff was going great in my life but then I lost my job and now I'm collecting disability/social security. I seem to always say too much but at this point I don't care because I just want answers. It's almost like I'm creating this little world in my head to escape to. But now society and the voices are penetrating my safety of my world and it's gotten to the point where I want to just cry and do horrible things. Because what's the point if I'm not even safe in my own world? In my own space? Like I literally have been pulling things out of nowhere that I barely remember. Like that whole roleplay group i talked about above I had nearly forgotten up to this point in time because it was useless to me. It served no purpose so I disposed of it. It was a cringy experience to begin with.
I keep hearing names in my head but they aren't falling into place. I feels like I'm an incomplete puzzle where I have everything else but that last piece which is "enlightenment". Because I'm not well informed about this condition at all. I've never heard of someone with Skitsoeffective disorder experiencing involuntary body movements. And no they aren't siezures or spasms it's like someone is talking through me like I'm a puppet and they are the master. My fingers move by themselves whenever they are near a keyboard. They start typing out random nonsensr and the more I fight for control the less of it I get. Like everytime I try to force the reigns into my hands I get a cramp in my fingers as if there's someone else trying to control them at that point in time. I do not know why it does this but it's getting increasingly frustrating. I am fully aware whenever someone tries to quote on quote "control" me. But I just feel like im a failure at life to the point where I can't even control my own body. Anyway to make a long story short. I am fully aware and awake during the whole "switching" process if I can even call it that. In other words I retain all the memories of the situation even when I don't have control. I don't get pushed aside or go to another place during that time. I stay in my body and have them start talking through me. It used to be alot harder to control my body because it would constantly stand in the middle of a room point at things that had no meaning and turn around in circles as if someone were telling me to go somewhere specific. But that's as bout as much as I can really say at this current moment.

Johnny-Jack wrote:I'm not sure why you don't think you have DID. Much of what you've posted or blogged suggests DID. You may have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, but most of us who do have DID have been misdiagnosed with one, usually more other conditions before DID. Alters talking to you from inside are going to appear to be auditory hallucinations. The negative comments are very typical for a persecutor or an introject (or more than one of these). Such comments often reflect the words or sentiments of a very critical person in your early life.

I haven't had the usual trauma like most people with DID have but it seems to feel like the closest thing to what I'm feeling.

If you do have DID and you're not in good communication with your alters who hold the trauma -- and sometimes even if you are -- the host(s), and maybe others, are not going to know about the trauma. This is how DID works, as you probably know...

...Elsewhere you posted a long list of "personas" as you called them, with names and ages, and different named parts of you have posted. I'm at a loss to come up with what this might be other than DID.

I completely agree with what Johnny-Jack said.

Hyuukichan123 wrote:Well for starters the only thing I can remember that was traumatic to me was being bullied in school that's why I would go off on my own because nobody liked or cared about me in school. No one liked me because I was that "weird" kid who nobody could relate to.

That's how it was for me. And I thought it was all MY problem. This is typical of someone with disorganized attachment. Here's a brief overview of what that is and why it isn't only due to abuse.

https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

Hyuukichan123 wrote:The only years I've forgotten are age 3 and 4 partly because I was always making up stories and those kinda took over my memory. But don't get it confused with blocking out that part of my life. Cause I can remember cracking my head open on a rock at the middle of my 3rd year.i also remember nearly getting myself killed because I thought I was Mary poppins and nearly jumped off a cliff with an umbrella. But my next door neighbors father found me before I jumped off. It was at least a good 10 ft drop if not 15 I definitely would've broken something had he not found me. I was an only child up until 2002 which puts me at at least 4 because my sister was born in March of 2002.

Sounds like you were unsupervised and left to fend for yourself. If you were "always making up stories" that "took over" your memory, that's a way of escaping one's own life. Where were your "loving parents" during that time? Why was a neighbor's father paying closer attention to you than they were?

Hyuukichan123 wrote:I literally have been pulling things out of nowhere that I barely remember. Like that whole roleplay group i talked about above I had nearly forgotten up to this point in time because it was useless to me. It served no purpose so I disposed of it. It was a cringy experience to begin with.

It is dissociation to "dispose" of a "cringy" memory. Pulling things out of nowhere that you barely remember is the beginning of more internal communication.

Hyuukichan123 wrote:Because I'm not well informed about this condition at all.

Yes, clearly. That's avoidance at work, since I'm sure you're capable of looking up current information about DID. I was very good at avoiding reading about it for years while still thinking that I knew all about it in an academic way. The ways that we can avoid and block out information are astounding.

Hyuukichan123 wrote:I've never heard of someone with Skitsoeffective disorder experiencing involuntary body movements. And no they aren't siezures or spasms it's like someone is talking through me like I'm a puppet and they are the master. My fingers move by themselves whenever they are near a keyboard...

...I am fully aware whenever someone tries to quote on quote "control" me. But I just feel like im a failure at life to the point where I can't even control my own body. Anyway to make a long story short. I am fully aware and awake during the whole "switching" process if I can even call it that. In other words I retain all the memories of the situation even when I don't have control. I don't get pushed aside or go to another place during that time.

One does not need to be "pushed aside" or "go to another place." That's one of those erroneous beliefs about DID that many people have. I agree that someone talking through you and the other things that you describe don't sound like the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder.

Well, I spent time on this because I have insomnia and it gave me something to do. You never know what might make enough of an impression on someone to loosen their denial, at least temporarily. A lot of people post on here listing very typical symptoms of DID while asking for reassurance that they don't have it and ignoring the replies that point out that it sounds very much like DID and they should sort it out with a knowledgeable therapist.

I'm gonna sidetrack here so I hope no one minds.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:That's how it was for me. And I thought it was all MY problem. This is typical of someone with disorganized attachment. Here's a brief overview of what that is and why it isn't only due to abuse.

https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

I've been thinking about this for a while now and I think disorganised attachment is more important to developing DID then the trauma itself is. Kids can experience subjective trauma over anything. I mean someone I role play with has a daughter who watched start wars with no problems but had nightmares for months over zootropolis or zootopia words whatever it was called in everyone's part of the world.

Anyway so kids can experience trauma over all sorts of things but a kid with a healthy attachment with a caregiver will rely on that caregiver to help them understand what they are experiencing and deal with it and move on.

And with DID it's like no adult ever helped us deal with our trauma and so we had to fumble through and figure out a way to deal on our own and that's when we start creating alters and separating our parts.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:A lot of people post on here listing very typical symptoms of DID while asking for reassurance that they don't have it and ignoring the replies that point out that it sounds very much like DID and they should sort it out with a knowledgeable therapist.

I know V1 spent like the first 2 or 3 weeks of her existance (i.e. from when she woke up out front as the new host) kinda desperately trying to rule out DID. I don't think any of us remember now why she was so afraid to find out that's what it was, but we definitely remember her trying to find some scrap of evidence that would just rule it out and be something else.

NyxX wrote:I've been thinking about this for a while now and I think disorganised attachment is more important to developing DID then the trauma itself is.

I agree with this 100%. We still don't know / don't remember what all sorts of trauma or abuse may or may not have happened to us. We have a few scraps of information but it never feels 'enough' (which I know is dumb in itself, because everything is subjective.)

The article Gang linked, mentions being able to write a coherent narrative of your life as part of the healing / recovery process, which we think is kinda neat because we've been sort of doing that already on our own. It's like a natural urge, compelling us to put all the pieces together and figure out how to connect the gaps and stuff.

I don't mean by necessarily remembering all the nasty stuff, but just, tracing out how we got from A to B to C. And it feels good to have some answers, even if they are speculative.

Back to the OP, I hope you take all of this in consideration and maybe you do find a knowledgable T who can help you.

V2

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm not trying to be in denial really I'm not. I'm just very stressed out because clearly there's something inside me trying to get out. I've started seeing pictures in my head as if they are acting out a play in my head. Everytime I go to meditate about it I get all clammy and dizzy almost like something doesn't want me to do it. I felt like my heart was racing when I tried to meditate about seeing these images in my head. Ive been told that they are just hallucinations and to disregard them. I've wanted to go off my medications for a long time but everyone's telling me not to because that would "put me in danger" and "land me in the hospital again". I don't like being on medication anymore it's not making me feel good. The only thing I like is my ADD meds (in a non addictive way) because they help me focus. But all the other ones just make me feel sick. I'm going to bring this up to my T and my P. Because I'm done beating around the bush I want answers as to why I feel and are acting this way. All sources are pointing toward DID. But i've tried talking to my T before about this idea and shes just very skeptical. Anyway I have to go for now I'll be back later today

NyxX wrote:Anyway so kids can experience trauma over all sorts of things but a kid with a healthy attachment with a caregiver will rely on that caregiver to help them understand what they are experiencing and deal with it and move on.

And with DID it's like no adult ever helped us deal with our trauma and so we had to fumble through and figure out a way to deal on our own and that's when we start creating alters and separating our parts.

This is very well stated and I completely agree. I just want to add that it is traumatic in itself to have the kind of parenting that causes disorganized attachment. It may not be done deliberately, but that is really not relevant when we're dealing with the aftermath of it.

Hyuukichan123 wrote:I don't like being on medication anymore it's not making me feel good. The only thing I like is my ADD meds (in a non addictive way) because they help me focus. But all the other ones just make me feel sick. I'm going to bring this up to my T and my P. Because I'm done beating around the bush I want answers as to why I feel and are acting this way. All sources are pointing toward DID. But i've tried talking to my T before about this idea and shes just very skeptical.

There are MANY therapists and psychiatrists who don't believe in DID, or only know the media portrayals of it. It's your right to stop your medications if you want to. The psychiatrist can tell you how to lower and stop them safely even if they don't want you to stop.

Can you go to a different T? This one doesn't seem to have any training or knowledge about dissociative disorders. If you have only been treated by people who think you are psychotic, it would be good if you could find other providers who will understand that you're not.