Pattern; young parts fronting when adults are needed

Hi,

Since the beginning of my crisis, a year ago, I've been dealing with young parts fronting a lot and especially in to us intimidating situations with, for example, medics and T's. This is not working well for áll of us.

I just realized this is a pattern from childhood, where my mother forced me to deal with her grown up stuff. I also realized that this is only internal; with my daughter, I even went/go a bit to far in the other direction. For example; as a child she thought mothers don't cry, are never sick, etc because I did nót want to put my drama on her plate in any way so I never involved her in any of that.

So I'm starting to realize more and more what I've just internalized, and what 'goes out' as well. And this one is big because I need my somewhat (...) adult communication skills in those situations where the young parts front.

Does anyone have experience with this and how to break that pattern?

does it happen because the adults abandon the front when something looks difficult or because the kids feel responsible to take on all the difficult stuff?

Hi Bejer,

It's not always that one of us wants to be front. A lot of times somebody inside gets triggered and they're pushed to the front to handle stuff like the stuff they've always handled. It's not because they want to - maybe they even don't want to. Host really doesn't like it when Evan comes out in scary situations but the system is kind of built like that. We've been working really hard to change that and it's going pretty good.

Iain

Hi Bejer, I feel like I'm a bunch of kids trying to make it in the grown-up world. We're doing alright, but where are the adults and why are they apparently not in charge? Because it takes a lot of energy to create the image of an adult and project it to the Front. Sometimes it makes us anxious when we have to. One adult part likes to think but is not energetic enough for sustained action in the world. Another stays inside caring for exiled littles.

Awhile back I discussed on the forum my "leader of the EP" Sentinel harassing the automaton at Front while we're at work. Sentinel appeared on the forum and advised me about mindful self-awareness. Some parts are more capable of mindfulness than others. Sentinel cannot do this herself but tells another part, "Front or whoever is the active ANP" to be more self-aware. I try to be aware of myself as multiple and not just a single ruminating stream of consciousness. With this practice I feel more able to "move" around the system than I could before. Maybe it could help you too.

I relate to what Iain wrote. Maybe it's because situations are triggering to you? And these parts used to deal with the original situations?

If that is the case, the key thing could be trying to keep yourself grounded in the present. Trying to discern the similarities and differences of past and present situations. Preparing coping skills and reminding yourself that you have them and can use them. Basically, making sure that the adults CAN deal with the situations.

I'm personally struggling with the same thing. The littles feel much more present in the new testing situation. I notice that I've been trying to support THEM, because I feel unable to "make them go away"/ safe.

Is there a reason your adults are letting this happen?
Talk to the littles. Find out why they feel the need to handle these situations.
Talk to the adults and find out why they aren't.
Everyone has to understand the WHY, only then can everyone work to change it. It'll have to be a team effort. And you should talk to your T about this, so they can help to. If you trust the T, that is.

Val

birdsong87 wrote:does it happen because the adults abandon the front when something looks difficult or because the kids feel responsible to take on all the difficult stuff?

I think both, or something/introject 'arranging' that shift of positions. Don't know yet, but I'm starting to recognize triggers and that's a tiny start.

IainEtc wrote:Hi Bejer,

It's not always that one of us wants to be front. A lot of times somebody inside gets triggered and they're pushed to the front to handle stuff like the stuff they've always handled. It's not because they want to - maybe they even don't want to. Host really doesn't like it when Evan comes out in scary situations but the system is kind of built like that. We've been working really hard to change that and it's going pretty good.

Iain

Hi Iain, thank you. Do you maybe have practical exercizes or something that you came up with with your T (if you feel ok sharing)? And if I understand you correctly, the triggered parts don't decide themselves to front; is it the whole system who works that way, or a part who controls it? I've been wondering myself if a mother introject is actually controlling it.

myce wrote:Hi Bejer, I feel like I'm a bunch of kids trying to make it in the grown-up world. We're doing alright, but where are the adults and why are they apparently not in charge? Because it takes a lot of energy to create the image of an adult and project it to the Front. Sometimes it makes us anxious when we have to. One adult part likes to think but is not energetic enough for sustained action in the world. Another stays inside caring for exiled littles.

Awhile back I discussed on the forum my "leader of the EP" Sentinel harassing the automaton at Front while we're at work. Sentinel appeared on the forum and advised me about mindful self-awareness. Some parts are more capable of mindfulness than others. Sentinel cannot do this herself but tells another part, "Front or whoever is the active ANP" to be more self-aware. I try to be aware of myself as multiple and not just a single ruminating stream of consciousness. With this practice I feel more able to "move" around the system than I could before. Maybe it could help you too.

Hi myce,

That's a very good point, I think, how exhausting and scary it is for the 'adult' ANP's to do 'everything'. And yes, being awáre of being multiple.. and by that awareness; not háving to do it all yourself and seeing the rest (and their traits (I lack)) better. Thank you for that. It's so 'obvious' to keep on being aware of being multiple, but I certainly aren't always. Very often I have the feeling I have to take care of everything.

fireheart wrote:I relate to what Iain wrote. Maybe it's because situations are triggering to you? And these parts used to deal with the original situations?

Yeah, it's exactly that, and I can't quite fully 'see' the mechanisms áfter the trigger yet. And yes, medics and T situations were definitly dealt with by young parts, always. Young parts who are easily influenced and even more easy intimidated, which makes paranoid protectors front. It's a pattern that frustrates me bigtime, for everyone involved; I'm not making it easy for T's and doctors to help me as well:(

fireheart wrote:If that is the case, the key thing could be trying to keep yourself grounded in the present. Trying to discern the similarities and differences of past and present situations. Preparing coping skills and reminding yourself that you have them and can use them. Basically, making sure that the adults CAN deal with the situations.

I'm personally struggling with the same thing. The littles feel much more present in the new testing situation. I notice that I've been trying to support THEM, because I feel unable to "make them go away"/ safe.

Do you think it would be 'unfair' to ask our R (who worked in mental health care and as a manager herself) to deal with such? Or is it up to me now (Ex (and my younger versions) who only started fronting a lot until this crisis, and a lot easier overwhelmed (I'm suddenly wondering if it's actually DDNOS and R is the ANP and the rest of us are insiders who are scrambled around since the crisis). I'm always scared to make the system do something that's unhealthy/will make things worse.

Think that supporting them when it's not possible to change the fact that they front is the best option!

Valentine6 wrote:Is there a reason your adults are letting this happen?
Talk to the littles. Find out why they feel the need to handle these situations.
Talk to the adults and find out why they aren't.
Everyone has to understand the WHY, only then can everyone work to change it. It'll have to be a team effort. And you should talk to your T about this, so they can help to. If you trust the T, that is.

Val

Hi Val, thank you. Going to try and find out indeed. Communication isn't always easy, still, it goes in phases that we are aware of each other and things going quiet. I don't have a T, but thanks anyway!

Hi Brejer,

You're nice!

We use "anchors". Like car keys for Host and phone for me and pocket knife for Colin. We hold them and they remind us who's supposed to be front right then. It works unless we get like totally overwhelmed.

Oh and body positions too. Colin stands tall and I kind of slouch in chairs... stuff like that.

Iain

it might help to see it as a systemic problem, not one or the other part doing something wrong. It's like everyone is positioned in a way that this is the outcome.
Also it might help to ask yourself which problem the system is trying to solve or cover up by functioning this way. the system is not stupid, we don't do stuff that creates problems unless it seems to be the only way (we know of at that time) to avoid even bigger problems.

Good one Asti!

Iain