In over my head? (partner of someone with DID) *may trigger*

Hi. I've actually been on this site a few times looking for answers, but this is my first time posting. My wife has DID and I really need support in any way/shape/form I can find it. I've never seen any rules saying loved ones couldn't post, so I hope this is okay? Please let me know if it's not. I have read all the rules I could find, and I will definitely do my best to post trigger warnings. If any mod notices a trigger warning is needed, I absolutely condone editing my post accordingly.

I will try to be brief, but it may be difficult to do so. This is complicated, at least from where I am sitting.

Some of my wife's alters behave in manners that go against her core morals/values. This has me (and some of the therapists) stumped. We'd been dating and living together for about 6 months when I first noticed really pronounced symptoms. After about 10 months, one of her alters decided it was time to take off on me, and she stole about 500 dollars in jewelry that belonged to my grandmother on the way out.

We got married a couple of years later, because she'd finally gotten on a great treatment plan with a whole team of therapists, and it looked like the bad episodes were behind us.

Cut to a couple of weeks ago... just a couple of days shy of our one year anniversary, I discovered that one of her alters was again wrecking havoc behind my back. This time, she'd been having an affair with another woman.

Here's what REALLY scares me: my wife had seemed absolutely fine until I caught her in the affair. As soon as I caught her in the affair, her dissociation spiraled completely out of control. She had pseudo-seizures and ended up spending 48 hours in the hospital. Not only did she not remember the affair, but now she remembers very little of the last several MONTHS. She hasn't been the same since she got caught. She's been shifting in and out of different personalities for two weeks now... some obviously children and some that can't tell me their age at all.

I'm not only scared for her. I'm scared for me and our marriage.

What- if anything- can I do to HELP her?

What- if anything- should I be doing to help myself?

Is it typical of alters to behave in such ways? Are there any other partners or loved ones here that are or have gone through such a thing?

She does have a whole team of therapists, but they're not giving me much guidance as her partner.

I thought maybe some of you could help.

halcyon74 wrote:What- if anything- can I do to HELP her?

There may not be anything you can do to help. My advice is to try to be consistent and clear about your boundaries, what you need and what you can do to support her. Ask her and her other alters what they need and want from you. Don't be judgemental about the answers some alters might not even like or think of as there spouse. And the core values of the alter you think of as your wife might not be the core values of them all.

halcyon74 wrote:What- if anything- should I be doing to help myself?

Make sure you have a good support system in place people you can turn to for help or just morale support. Try to have a good understanding of your needs and make time to meet them.

halcyon74 wrote:Is it typical of alters to behave in such ways? Are there any other partners or loved ones here that are or have gone through such a thing?

Usually when alters are acting without the knowledge of other parts it's because there is poor communication and poor cooperation. And one or more alters don't feel like there needs are being met. Stability isn't always progress with DID. Systems are often set up so that functionality continues no matter how bad things get. And for our system at least the more stress in our life the better we function.

Significant others are welcome here, usually. It's all in the tone.

What you describe is not typical, but also not uncommon. Some other posters here have reported the same kinds of incidents. I guess if I were to offer any advice, it would be to learn how to be less enabling, less supportive, and focus more on your own self care. Do you have a therapist to support you, someone not part of her team?

All these identity states showing up now: are they new to you?

Have you talked with the girlfriend? What did she think the situation was with your wife? Who did your wife present as to her?

I'm not sure a whole team of therapists is a good idea. Not with someone who has DID, who is already fragmented without the added challenges of a fragmented therapy. How does that work, exactly?

Thank you both so much for replying, and thanks to whomever put the trigger warning on my post. I promise I'll be better about that going forward.

We saw my wife's "team" yesterday. I'll explain more about that later. And I will provide an update too. I don't have much time right now but just wanted to jump on and say a big thank you

It's nice that there's a community here. Very helpful.

I guess if I were to offer any advice, it would be to learn how to be less enabling, less supportive, and focus more on your own self care.

The word "enabling" caught my eye. Can you (or anyone else) expand on that? How might I be enabling her? I'll touch more on that in a minute...

Do you have a therapist to support you, someone not part of her team?

Yes I do. I have my own therapist I see weekly and my own psychiatrist as well.

All these identity states showing up now: are they new to you?

Most of them are new to me, yes. When she was first diagnosed with DID in 2016, I knew of a couple of them just because strangers on the street would sometimes say "hello" to her and call her another name, thus confusing us both. I also knew of one of them from a social media site she once had, but I didn't realize that was an alter until this week. This week marks the first time her alters have ever let me know of their existence instead of trying to hide themselves.

Have you talked with the girlfriend? What did she think the situation was with your wife? Who did your wife present as to her?

I did talk to the girlfriend. She thought my wife was unhappy with me and wanted to leave me. My wife presented to her as the one I thought was my wife's real self, but we have discovered this week that is not really her real self. I'll touch on that more in a minute too.

I'm not sure a whole team of therapists is a good idea. Not with someone who has DID, who is already fragmented without the added challenges of a fragmented therapy. How does that work, exactly?

Interesting thought you added here. She has a "team" because the original therapist decided she needed a therapist who specializes in DID. So she now sees both therapists and a psychiatrist for her meds. Is that not a good idea? Expand if you can?

Yesterday my wife declared that she was finally "herself" again. She claimed the "real her" was finally present again. She then told me there was an alter that shared the same name as her but spelled it differently. When I asked how the alter spelled it, it was the same spelling as I've known her to spell it since I met her. So I asked, "does this mean I'm just now meeting the real you?" And she said, "No, I've been present a lot before, but not enough to get her to spell my name right."

So, the alter that had the affair is the same one I thought was my real wife, apparently? It's very confusing. Later that day, she told me there were 3 alters who shared her name, not just one. So... not sure what to make of that.

BUT... I do now know that one of the alters that uses the same name as her was the one present when she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So, apparently at least one of these alters has it's own disorder.

I also met a youngster named Frog. She seems to feel safe enough to come out and talk to me, which is pretty cool.

But mostly I'm interested in what one of you meant by "enabled". Since she was released from the hospital, I've been kind of in charge of getting her up in the morning, making sure she takes all her pills, and making sure she eats. Should I not be doing that? Should I be pushing her to be more independent? I guess I'm afraid to do that because I'm afraid she'll just do whatever she feels like and end up in the hospital again.

She's supposed to start college Monday. Just a sidenote.

I'm pretty fascinated by all this, to be honest. It's amazing what the human brain is capable of.

Also, one more thing... **Could Trigger**

I asked her DID therapist if it was okay to make love to my wife still. Occasionally, she still initiates sex. The therapist then said that it should be fine as long as I'm sure it's not one of the "littles".

But my wife clearly has an alter that sexually "acts out" behavior that ultimately only upsets her. So it is my thinking that I also should try to make sure I'm not making love to that alter. Don't you think so?

Very curious to hear thoughts on all this. My Mom was diagnosed with DID when I was 15 but that was a LONG time ago and I don't think I was old enough then to fully grasp what was going on.

I think a "team" as you describe is pretty normal. At one point I had an art therapist, a person centred councillor (who could exchange notes) and a psychiatrist. Another time I had group therapy and a psychiatrist and a psychiatric nurse. There's another "team" I had at one point but I can't remember - yep - a mental health social worker who encouraged me to socialise and monitored my well being and a psychiatrist. So a team can be good.

As for the whole separate unremembered affair: I had separate lives when younger. So ask me one day about teenage years and I'd say "good grades, well behaved" ask me another day and I'll tell you what crime and drugs I did. It was a bit of a shock when I realised how much I fitted in to such a short space of time.

With the recent difficulties, the aftermath of this recent split/lost time/change in character. This is difficult to put to words. I'm gonna try, you'll have to excuse me if it doesn't make sense:

After, let's call it an occurance, I will suffer for a period of time 3days to a week. This has led to hospitalisation in the past. I find it's caused by, let's call it an internal disagreement. Different parts of me will want different things, actions, behaviors. Parts may do these things against the knowledge of the whole. Once the whole is in the picture it's a mad scramble. Scramble of personalities, of feelings, of plans of what to do. Sleep, rest, being clear of what happened or has gone on allows everything and everyone to settle internally. So your wife may be fine now.

With encouragement to take meds and going to college I think keep it up until your wife asks you to back off? That's what would suit me best but I'm not your wife so I'm guessing. Also applies to the above.

With the sexuality issue: I'm aware of having a Lesbian in my system. We discussed it internally. We resolved it.

I have to say though that I believe all parts are part of the whole. I don't believe in a "real self". I believe all parts are parts of self, part of the whole of me. To squash one or more creates the type of chaos you have described in my experience.

Much luck

Also I have had this type of reaction after a trauma. Then an agreed split occurs on how to deal with the trauma. After its delt with in the agreed manner I then have a similar struggle - scramble, miss mash - until I settle back down.

And I'll add that the last time I had a scramble I went to a hotel alone and slept for 48 hours and felt ok again so becoming able to manage all this now unaided by professionals is possible. I haven't had any professionals or meds for about 5 years.

And also BPD is very treatable with therapy.

Hi,

I'm an alter in a system and I just wanted to say that talking about the 'real' person - meaning only the part you know - is kind of a problem. We're all the real person. I mean all of us together - not just Host. It's hard for non-multiples to get that but trying to find the 'real' person inside is like trying to find out which is the 'real' ingredient in a cake. Doesn't work.

Iain

IainEtc wrote:Hi,

I'm an alter in a system and I just wanted to say that talking about the 'real' person - meaning only the part you know - is kind of a problem. We're all the real person. I mean all of us together - not just Host. It's hard for non-multiples to get that but trying to find the 'real' person inside is like trying to find out which is the 'real' ingredient in a cake. Doesn't work.

Iain

Very well put, Iain.

Delilah

halcyon74 wrote: Most of them are new to me, yes. When she was first diagnosed with DID in 2016, I knew of a couple of them just because strangers on the street would sometimes say "hello" to her and call her another name, thus confusing us both. I also knew of one of them from a social media site she once had, but I didn't realize that was an alter until this week. This week marks the first time her alters have ever let me know of their existence instead of trying to hide themselves.

This is a good thing. I didn't know about my other parts until after I met my husband almost 3 years ago. The little was the first to come out, because she had decided he'd make a good "daddy," and wanted to meet him. The second came out to try to push him away and test him, and make sure he could handle her, and was very surprised when he told her "I don't know who you are, but you're not my kitten." The third came out when she saw what a stabilizing influence he was on our life, and that the others were happy. That was Delilah, she was/is our "manager," and she saw coming out to him as a chance to possibly give him some of the responsibility of management, so that she could rest. They all came out within a few months of one another. About 6 months ago Little Wolf showed herself. And very recently Val has come out.

Your wife's system is either starting to trust you, or starting to see you as a threat, or perhaps it's both depending on which other you talk to. I know it's challenging for you, but it's a step in the right direction. So try to hang in there and be patient with them.

halcyon74 wrote: Yesterday my wife declared that she was finally "herself" again. She claimed the "real her" was finally present again. She then told me there was an alter that shared the same name as her but spelled it differently. When I asked how the alter spelled it, it was the same spelling as I've known her to spell it since I met her. So I asked, "does this mean I'm just now meeting the real you?" And she said, "No, I've been present a lot before, but not enough to get her to spell my name right."

So, the alter that had the affair is the same one I thought was my real wife, apparently? It's very confusing. Later that day, she told me there were 3 alters who shared her name, not just one. So... not sure what to make of that.

BUT... I do now know that one of the alters that uses the same name as her was the one present when she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So, apparently at least one of these alters has it's own disorder.

I also met a youngster named Frog. She seems to feel safe enough to come out and talk to me, which is pretty cool.

All of your wife's others, are the "real" her. They are each just as real as she is. Now, I can't speak for everyone's system, so what I'm about to say is just how I know my others and my system to work.
1. They don't like being called "alters," They feel like it implies that the person saying "alter" believes they have less of a right to be here, are less real, and are less important. Britney especially gets wound up. So I've started calling them "others," or "parts."

2. Treat them each as a different person, because that's how they feel they are. Some may admit and acknowledge that they are part of a whole, others may try to push to have their "own life." It took A LOT of work with Britney to make her see that having a whole separate life wasn't going to work. She has accepted that our lives are all entwined, because really, it's just one life. Our husband does make it a point to spend time with her, and he doesn't treat her as if she's me, or any of the others. He truly treats my others as if each one is person with their own body, in their own right. He can see the switches, he can know who he's with just by body language and facial expression. And he can usually tell in text which one is communicating with him, by the word choice, sentence structure, and punctuation.

3. The part that had the affair... She may not see it as an affair, if she doesn't see herself as married to you. She may see it as her own relationship. And you, your wife, and the alter need to come to an agreement on what is acceptable behavior and what is not... such as... Are you okay with the alter having a relationship with the other woman? Is your wife? Or does it need to stop? Questions only the three of you can answer together with your therapists.

4. What do you mean when you refer to your wife as "the real you?" Because it sounds like this other part is just as engrossed in life and daily tasks as your wife is. I know with me and Delilah, she co-fronted with me for many, many, many years, even when I didn't know she was there. That was her job, was to make sure we looked "normal," and to make sure that I/we functioned and got things done that needed to be done. I just thought my internal dialogue, was a normal thought process and everyone was like that. It wasn't until Delilah came out to meet my/our husband that I realized the internal conversations and the "talking to myself," was me communicating directly with her. If this other part has been out for all these years, doing her own thing, she's also the "real" person. Each of them is real. And by referring to only the one part of your wife as "real," the others could very possibly get offended and upset. They will either not trust you, bury themselves inside, or cause problems on purpose. Or simply decide, "I'm not going to work with you, I'm going to do my own thing."



*** TW Sex with parts/alters mentioned***


5. The sex... Our husband has accepted that there are different parts of me that are, for all intents and purposes different people. They each have their own likes and dislikes regarding everything from food, to tv shows/movies, to sexual activities. Each of us has a relationship with him. He never pushed any of the others into a relationship or sex. As each one came out, he took the time to get to know them. And he waited for them to decide that they wanted to just be friends, or to be more. When they started, Britney just wanted to antagonize him. Then she wanted to have sex with him but no relationship, then she fell in love with him, and now she loves him so hard and deeply, and passionately that we have jealously issues with her regarding him. She views him as her husband, as well as mine, he was even able to work his pet name for her into our marriage ceremony when we got married. Delilah, at first, just wanted someone to take some of the responsibility of managing us from her. She saw my husband as a person who could be a managing partner. Then he earned her respect and devotion. She doesn't see him as her husband, but she is 100% devoted to him and does have a sexual relationship with him. There are others, but this is just to provide you with a snapshot.

Again, my husband didn't put any expectations on any of them. He let them lead where the relationship was going to go. He waited for them to make the first moves. SO, in my opinion (and again, based only on my own system and how we all work), sex with the body of your wife is fine, as long as you know who it is you're sleeping with, and the part who's fronting is willing. It would help to get to know them each individually and cultivate relationships with them. And let me tell you, all of the parts my husband sleeps with, they all want to make sure he knows who he's with. The worst thing that could happen is for him to call Britney by someone else's name. LOL

halcyon74 wrote:But my wife clearly has an alter that sexually "acts out" behavior that ultimately only upsets her. So it is my thinking that I also should try to make sure I'm not making love to that alter. Don't you think so?

I had this issue with Britney. She wants things that I was (and sometimes still am not) comfortable with. She had needs/wants that were... let's just say, not my cup of tea. But, as I've taken the time to get to know her, we've come to an agreement. I know what nights she's going to be with our husband, and she puts a wall between us so I don't have to watch. I COULD watch if I wanted to, and as I've gotten more comfortable with her, sometimes I may peek... but she's very much "my sex life with our husband is none of your business and I want privacy." So... Husband is good with what B wants, I simply check out or think about other things, and everyone gets their needs met. Again, this is just what works for us.


*** END TW***

And this may, or may not help you... as my husband was getting to know everyone, he'd schedule date times with each of them. It wasn't always going out on a date, sometimes it's a movie night with cuddling on the couch. He colors with the little and reads to her on her bedtime night. He used to play golf video games with Britney, that was THEIR thing (until the stupid xbox game got discontinued), he talks about books with Val. ....so he makes sure to schedule time with each part individually during the week. That way no one feels like they are being ignored, or are less important to him (unless Britney is having one of her insecure moments). Everyone gets time. And then, the non-scheduled time, whoever wants to front, fronts. But everyone knows they get a turn to have time with him, and everyone gets a turn to sleep (and I do mean SLEEP) with him.

Oh, and it's cool that Frog is coming out to talk to you. As I said earlier, my little was the first one to decide our husband was trustworthy. She had been dormant for a very, very, very long time, and his presence is what woke her up.

K