In over my head? (partner of someone with DID) *may trigger*

I can't say thank you enough- all of you. This has been the best resource I've found so far. Her therapist can only help me understand things so much. To have a group of people that have actually lived it and experienced it first hand is an invaluable help. So, thank you thank you thank you!! I wish I could hug ALL of you

I will come back later with more. But I just wanted to show my appreciation for now, because you have no idea what a relief it is to talk to people who understand and know what I'm going through and what my wife is going through.

And, yes, I will stop referring to one of them as the "real Jes". I think I was only doing so because 4 of her parts go by "Jes", which is confusing. But I think perhaps I can call one the "first Jes"? Would that work better? Or "Original Jes?"

halcyon74 wrote:I can't say thank you enough- all of you. This has been the best resource I've found so far. Her therapist can only help me understand things so much. To have a group of people that have actually lived it and experienced it first hand is an invaluable help. So, thank you thank you thank you!! I wish I could hug ALL of you

I will come back later with more. But I just wanted to show my appreciation for now, because you have no idea what a relief it is to talk to people who understand and know what I'm going through and what my wife is going through.

And, yes, I will stop referring to one of them as the "real Jes". I think I was only doing so because 4 of her parts go by "Jes", which is confusing. But I think perhaps I can call one the "first Jes"? Would that work better? Or "Original Jes?"

Yeah, it's a wild ride, for sure. I was so glad when Delilah found this forum and started posting here. It's been a great place for support or just for venting.

As far as the names go, that could definitely get confusing.

On the names, my suggestion: Talk to the other parts that go by Jes. Ask them if they do that because they feel like that IS their name, or if they go by Jes because they were trying to keep up appearances that everything was "normal." They may like having a new name that's just theirs.

My others didn't come with their own names. Lilly was just "the little," then one day my husband and I were talking about giving her a proper name, I said Lillian, he said Lilly, and I felt how happy Lilly was with the name. So technically her name is Lillian, but we all just call her Lilly.

Britney, she was always the one being defiant as a teenager, and when she was out my parents would tell "me" to "stop being a brat, or ask why I was a brat, etc... so she always just referred to herself as The Brat. Then husband told her he wanted to give her a name. She said, "If you can come up wit ha good one I'll like," LOL He came up with Britney, and she said, "I guess it'll work," even though she loved it, and he knew she did.

When Delilah met him... she's the one that really took him by surprise, he asked "Now who the hell are you?" LOL. She said, "I'm she who does what needs doing." Later he asked her if she wanted a name, and she said, "That would be nice." He thought for a few days and came up with Delilah. When he asked her if she liked it, she said, "It's a nice name, it will do. "And it fits her perfectly.

Little Wolf somehow split off of Lilly, so for a while we were just calling her Wolf Lilly. Little Wolf didn't like that, so we started trying to think of a name for her, in the meantime we were just calling her "the little wolf." It kindof stuck, and we decided "Little Wolf" fits her perfectly so it became her name.

Val, Val is the only one who had her own name when she came out. Husband asked who she was, she said, "You can call me Val." She says it's short for Valentine, but... She never actually refers to herself as Valentine, and so neither do we.

The point is this... My others all felt special when my husband said they deserved names and wanted to name them. Your girls may be different. They may say they want to stick with Jes.. in which case as you get to know them, you could give them pet names. Lilly's is "super special girl," or "little one." He calls Britney "my love." Delilah is "my sweet Delilah," and he calls me Kitten. ....

Or your others may decide, "yeah, we want our own names, but we'll pick them ourselves."

So, again, every system is different, and each person's "others" feel differently. This is just what worked for us.

K

Ask her say its confusing and can you have a different way to separate or identify them. We had 2 active nyx's at one point and I spelt them differently but both wanted to be nyx and were unhappy being anything else. I also have a Nixie. Ozalces asked if he could call the system as a whole nyx and the answer was firmly no.

It's important if you do give them something like numbers it's clear that Jes1 is no more important or less then Jes4. Something like sweet Jes or kickass Jes could work as long as the part views the name positively. Also pet names could work.

I have no attachment to my given name per se. There is no "part" that uses my given name. We decided this as a child due to internal jealousy issues. So despite having our own private names we are all happy being called by our given name. I did have at points a couple of people refer to me by an alters name - didn't get fully to the bottom of how or why that happened but it's only happened twice and this is because we all did a deal that we use the given name despite even a half attempt of legally changing my name to another alter name also. It's an agreement we all have to live with and it is better for "the whole" I know who changed their name from my given name but to say who that was would be unfair overall.

What helped this has been quotes like "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" ie a rose is a rose whatever you call it. So our individual names are private (I put them here, it feels anonymous and ok) and our given name is all of our name or public name if that makes sense.

Thanks so much, guys! I really can't say that enough It feels so good to talk to people who understand.

I hope it's okay that this process fascinates me? I think it's better to be interested in it and curious than afraid, so that's the attitude I'm taking.

I've gotten to know Frog- the 15 year old- a lot better the last few days. She's really cool And she said the others are letting her run the show while they do "clean up". Not sure what that means, but I'm just rolling with it for now.

I've stopped calling one of them "the real Jes". For now we're telling them apart by their favorite colors. There is "silver Jes" and there is "pink black and silver" Jes. And I've found out that Frog is actually one of the 4 that go by Jes (she only goes by Jes because everyone's been calling her that for so long). So there is only one Jes left that I haven't met. Frog can't tell me much about that Jes.

Frog said "Nana told us that that Jes was beautiful and smart." So, I'm wondering if this 4th Jes is actually referring to the "whole" person. As in, "future whole Jes", whom they have yet to put together. Make sense to anyone else?

I've written an email to her therapist because I will be unable to attend their next visit. I will be in the first day of classes at college. I'm very nervous about sending her to the therapist without me.

Am I worrying too much? lol

Also... one of you described in great detail how you and your husband handle sex. THANK YOU! That is one of our greatest challenges I think, because some of her parts like sex a LOT more than others do.

I was able to explain to Frog that I can only make love to the adult parts. She seemed to understand this, but asked if she could still get hugs and kisses at least. I told her I thought that would be okay. I'll be asking her therapist as well, but what do you guys think about that?

I like the idea of asking her other parts if they would like their own names. So thanks for that suggestion. In the past, she's worked hard to deny her parts and shut them away. They are asking to come out now, and it sounds like it's time. I look forward to talking to you all some more as we move forward. I'm also hoping to encourage her to get her own account here. If she does, I might delete my posts to protect her. Sound good?

"If she does, I might delete my posts to protect her. Sound good?"

No. You should've talked with her about what you can say and what not. When you delete, is it really about protecting her?

Clean up. Yes. I have that.

I find it fascinating and weird to come here and find people who use similar phrases, feel similarly about things and have similar ways of coping and inner world's. I wonder what singletons have as an inner world. I've never really thought about that until now.

You can only delete posts for a limited time anyway so its already to late. Talk to her be honest if there is anything you think you might have said that could upset her explain why you said it and if you still think that way.

If she does decide she would be interested in joining the forum ask if she wants you to stay. Sometimes some of us don't want to share things with Ozalces or don't feel ready or we have been ranting and said things we don't really mean so we have told him not to read some threads and told him about what we wrote in others and asked if he wants to read them.

The 4th Jes could be an idea they have about how they would be if they were whole or never hurt some systems do have that. It could also be a part someone that was more literally Nan's beautiful and smart Jes, parts are often created to fulfil a specific role in a person's life.

I think it is good for her to do things on her own. I tend to be overly dependent on Ozalces and it's not healthy for either of us. He starts feeling like it's his job to look after me and he isn't my partner. I feel more empowered when I do things for myself and more like maybe I can get to a place in the future where I'm not so needy. Also the more he does for me the more I feel like a burden and the more insecure I get and the more needy I become. Make sure she is prepared for going how is she getting there? What does she need to prepare? What will she do if she is triggered? When can she call you for morale support and comfort? Can she call someone else if she need to talk but your in class? And any other things you can think of.

Bejer wrote:"If she does, I might delete my posts to protect her. Sound good?"

No. You should've talked with her about what you can say and what not. When you delete, is it really about protecting her?

No, you shouldn't delete even if you were able (which you're probably not now) delete. If she found out you'd posted, and then deleted (or wanted to delete) when she got on, it is highly likely it would cause trust issues with her as well as her protective parts and her littles (if there are littles in there).

Instead, I'd suggest telling her about the site, and then telling her you made an account so that you could try to understand what she's going through, and you've already posted some. Then encourage her to do the same. Even if she gets mad about what you've said to us, you're being honest. Deceit (which is how she may see you deleting things if she were to find out) will breed problems between you and your wife and her others.

Val is just learning to trust, and if she were in this situation and found out our husband had talked about her/us, and then deleted posts when she came on here, it'd ruin everything he's trying to build with her. In the beginning, Britney would have felt the same. Getting insiders to trust outsiders is delicate, difficult, and sometimes frustrating. You're asking for trouble by saying you'll delete posts when she comes on here. Bad idea.

On a positive note,we're glad you're here and we'd love to have your wife and her others here as well.

K (with some input from D)