Note to self: Phobias are what keep dissociation alive!

It doesn't matter whether I have Borderline, PTSD, c-PTSD. or DID. They are all similar. It's all about how my Emotional Part(s) (EP) and Apparently Normal part(s) (AP) happen to be, how unaware they are from each other and how many of each I have.
I suppose I have about one or maybe 2 EP's and 1 AP. So looks rather like c-PTSD or borderline. Who cares.

I think I've had a TOTAL breakthrough after reading the first pages of the book "the haunted self". And I don't think I need to read the rest.

It said: "Phobias are what keep structural dissociation alive". and no it's not about cockroaches. It's about the phobia different parts have toward EACH OTHER. The ANP is phobic toward the EP. quite understandable. ANP is in control, and EP is a screaming and shouting mess. If I knew a person like my EP, I would be very "Phobic" towards him. And EP is phobic towards ANP, because the ANP ignores everything EP knows (memories of trauma), suppresses him and his needs, interacts with the very same predators like absolutely nothing happened in the past and laughs and makes jokes with them, even loves them. If I knew a person who is totally friends with someone who was so nice and hearty to the people who have completely f***ed up my life, I would totally hate him, or be phobic towards him. no? YES!

So here comes my solution. No more fear. Fear of my own feelings (which are mostly the EP's feelings) and no more fear of acting normal (which is EP's fear towards the ANP). I mean, I'm afraid of everything no? at least I could stop being afraid of my own parts inside of me! not a bad place to begin with! Noticing that others can't do harm to you anymore is also an step that wont hurt.

The results are astonishing. I mean, I feel much worse than before. This won't make you happy go lucky. Seriously. If you want to try it be warned. But at last I feel like I'm one person. I'm emotional and screwed up and lucid and able to function at a very basic level simultaneously Did you read that, it's all about simultaneously! I'm able to go out, freak out and yet be in control of the situation. This is the power of being both the ANP and EM at the same time.

The bottom line is, I feel as miserable as I felt before. Maybe more. But it's a stable feeling of dread, as opposed to ever changing personality. And I'm really greatfull for that.

I don't know whether this is cheap common knowledge and I'm just being redundant or whether this is actually of any value. I both wanted to get this off of my chest and also wanted to make this known to anyone who could be helped by reading my experience.

cheerz
omid

We aren't all phobic of each other. I mean some parts towards some others but most of us aren't. And the fear we do have isn't logical it's emotional and so just deciding to not be afraid isn't that simple. If we could do that it would make our ability to function so much better.

the book is worth reading to the end. Understanding the concept of different phobias (not just that of other parts btw) in different stages of recovery can be a revelation. Which doesn't mean that it can be solved in a day.

I haven’t read it yet, but it strikes me that “phobia” isn’t really the right word to use, because it implies an out-of-proportion-to-reality fear rather than a totally understandable one. To use Omid’s example of how one would feel toward external people with those qualities—those feelings make sense! I would run far away from either of them—or set firm self-protective limits with them if I HAD to deal with them. (I guess I’m speaking as the logical, well-adjusted, “therapist” part). It’s only because we’re all part of the same system that we have to overcome that fear and dislike, and have to communicate with and accept each other.

I think the use of the word "phobia" in this book is not intended as much to mean fear or hatred in a psychological sense. While parts may have those feelings toward other parts, I think the word "phobia" in this context is better compared to magnetic repulsion, or oil and water. Oppositional parts can have a friendly relationship with each other because we recognized the conflict was imposed by early conditioning.