All of them are gone

i don't know why this keeps happening. for weeks/months at a time, everyone inside just leaves. they're gone. i'm stuck here alone and i don't know why. i'm not on any meds, i'm not in a traumatic environment, nothing in my situation has changed. there's no pattern, no consistency, no reason why this keeps happening. i use the journal, i get no responses. i try talking internally, i get nothing. i try and use specific things like music or cartoons, i get nothing. there aren't any items in my house i don't remember buying, no lost time that i'm noticing, so it's not like they're fronting without me knowing. as far as i can tell, they just leave for weeks/months at a time and i don't know why.

they were around in october, then they didn't turn up again until may, then they didn't turn up again until july, now they're gone again for god knows how long. this makes no sense! there's no pattern to any of this, no links to trigger reactions or trauma or anything in my environment, i can't figure this out and it's driving me up the wall.

it makes me doubt everything. what if what i thought was internal communication was just my thoughts? what if what i thought were switches were just me being confused? what if i don't have a dissociative condition at all? the problem is my memory recall is practically non-existent right now. i'm constantly exhausted and severely depressed. i'm barely eating or sleeping, i can't focus, i keep dissociating, i can't remember basically anything that happens anymore. none of this makes any sense and i don't know what to do anymore. if i was coping in the meantime it wouldn't bother me as much, but this keeps actively hindering my ability to 1) know what is going on, and 2) manage whatever is going on and recover. when they're gone the denial is immense, i lose memory recall, i'm so depressed i can't function. when they're here, it's so inconsistent that i barely have time to do anything about it. i can't live like this.

my therapist still thinks i have DID despite this, she met three people from inside in sessions who identified themselves as not being me and she says it felt very real to her, and she said even if they don't turn up for months that shouldn't make it any less valid when they do turn up, but i can't help but feel like i tricked her. i don't know what to do.

Is this time of year significant for you in any way? Anniversary reactions can be very strong.

Also, have you asked them about this when they are around, since it keeps happening?

And was there anything that was going on in terms of memories or insights that happened right before they went away?

Have you asked them for help with self-care? Making sure that you're eating and sleeping should have top priority right now. Also grounding and maybe keeping a log of what you're doing each day so you can remember it and maybe feel less out of control.

It's not unusual, from what I've heard, for parts to disappear for periods of time. Maybe you and your T can try to figure out why this is so distressing for you.

I look at it like parts are me and that internal communications are basically thoughts.

That aside:

For me parts become more apparent at times of stress. I have minimal stress so parts are not apparent. However I know they're there. There in the background, they're present.

So my question is whether there's a chance they are there, present but not apparent?

Just because there's no current communication, no messing with you as a whole (I call buying stuff without mutual consent and stealing time messing with the whole) doesn't mean they aren't in the background.

However you're struggling at the moment which is very much the reverse of what happens with me. If I'm struggling then time gets lost, things get done or bought but it's each part working to fix a problem in their own way because they have lost overall faith and some of them have very off the wall solutions but they actually generally do get the job done but it's far from ideal. This is why I'm very big on life management, minimising stress and considering all parts needs eg I really didn't want to sit and colour particularly just now but I did because I know some creative outlet is important to little parts. I coloured. I vaguely remember coloring, it was therapeutic, but it didn't take over. I set a limit of how much colouring, stuck to it and I feel better for it. I also watched TV at the same time, also needed. I just wanted to go to sleep.

So I guess what I'm saying is: the parts may still be present but not apparent. Do things different parts enjoy regardless of them being apparent. I also got a pedicure today straight after work. I do manual work so no point in manicure but pedicure is worthwhile.

Doing things different parts enjoy without them being apparent may help to stop you feeling disconnected because maybe you're disconnected from yourself (ie your parts). I do this because if I don't do it then someone will run a mock and also all these parts are parts of me so as much as colouring is "retarded" (please excuse my language) part of me enjoys it.

I guess what I'm saying is connect with yourself? (ie parts)

The thing that has helped me the most was to realise I lived 2 lives, to realise I lost time, to realise that there were other parts of me and then more importantly to realise all these parts are me, they maybe contradictory but they are all me.

You are your parts is the main gist I think of what I'm saying.

I've probably said the same things in multiple ways, which is what I do when "no one" is apparent or we all are (however it's better to look at it).

Much luck

@ TheGangsAllHere - thank you for the reply. i don't think it's matching with any anniversaries, not that i've noticed anyhow. when i've asked them about it when they've been around, they said it's like they're asleep, kinda. they've also mentioned being locked in their rooms and that they're "guarded", and that there's someone inside who "calls all the shots", but i've never met them and i don't know what it means.

we were working on things in therapy, my therapist feels this is a protective/defensive thing but i'm having trouble remembering what we were covering in sessions, or what was going on the last few times they all "disappeared". memory recall is really bad right now, which makes things difficult.

i'm trying to keep on top of self-care but it's been hard. my partner suggested drawing them out through things they like (e.g. cartoons, music, etc.), but it keeps making me afraid and i don't know why. the thought of purposefully trying to coax anyone out makes me feel scared to the point of panicking, i don't understand it at all.

it feels distressing because it's like my only "proof" that this was real is gone, and with my memory recall gone down the drain even memories of what happened don't feel real. i don't know why it's upsetting me so much.

@ Sarandipity - thank you for the reply, i'm not sure if they're here but not present. when i've asked them what they do when they're inside, they say it's like they're asleep and unaware of time passing, but then they talk about interacting with each other sometimes or about this person inside who controls everything, so it's hard to know what's going on.

it really is confusing. i wasn't exactly dealing better when they were around but i didn't feel as stressed and depressed as i do right now. i've been avoiding things that i associate with them but i don't know why, it makes me afraid to the point of panicking. i'm going to try and raise it with my therapist next week.

Fear, panic, avoidence and poor memory can all be ways of protecting you. If you experience more of these symptoms when the others are gone it is likely there is a trigger but the memory issues are preventing you from making the connection.

Your system might be set up in a way that compartmentalise knowledge including triggers. When they come back you could ask them if they know what might have upset the system or try keeping a journal and putting everything even mundane things in it. Eventually you might see a pattern. Good luck I hope you get it figured out because it sounds like it's being really hard on you.

I don't know if this is same for you. but my main host of last 15 years have vanished because she kinda emerged to cope with a specific situation which is no longer happening.

The host before her stepped in to help the OS (Original self) in the beginning to find her bearings as she was 16yrs old the last time she was 'up front' full time (the physical body is now nearly 50!)

Now her life is so much calmer with barely any triggers and only having to cope with people/social situations a couple of times a year the OS has managed to stay up front for most of the time and it also feels like the others have disappeared.

I took it to mean my mental health was recovering as the other alters haven't been needed as much for me to live my life how I want to, however I live very isolated by choice and am very careful things don't get overwhelming for OS as she has sensory issues and overloads quickly. (too much noise, too many people, too many bright lights - supermarket strip lighting etc, extremely bright sunshine) as the physical body was born with autism.

Personally my OS enjoys the peace and chance to enjoy her home and dog again and being present all the time. I'm not sure until something happens that OS can't cope with (maybe she HAS to go into the bank to deal with something - face to face communication with strangers is extremely challenging for her) whether one or more of them will automatically step in and do that task for her or not. Another alter called Thea often steps in and takes over any communicating that needs doing with anyone other than 1 sibling that OS will speak to as herself. (The dog is the only other OS speaks in front of in the privacy of their home).

There has been some improvement though of the OS ability to cope with daily life and very simple things like walking the dog while no one is about, but I don't know whether my mental health seems to have improved because the last host has disappeared who was having all the issues with paranoia and agoraphobia for many years and whether that was also affecting the OS's ability to cope?

It's a very frustrating condition isn't it? just as you feel you're making headway another alter can come back who perhaps didn't cope with life as well, setting you back again!

@ Nyx - thank you, i'm hoping i can make some sense of this soon.

@ KitMcDaydream - i use the body's birth name and that feels right to me, so i'd assume i'm the host and always have been, but i also have no attachment to any of my memories from before the past few years, same with any friends from back then, so i'm not sure.

that sounds really tough, i'm sorry. my alters being here doesn't seem to correlate with me coping less/more or the presence of triggers, not that i'm aware of at least. it's very confusing.