Help me please. Possible trigger warning

So things have progressed and I am terrified. I am losing time several times a day and my husband has been talking to alters that I thought were auditory hallucinations that I have been suffering from for about 9 years. I black out every time so I’m feeling very confused. There are Sarah, Evelyn and David plus two girls who haven’t named themselves. The worst thing is I have had a flashback tonight to a trauma from when I was a child. I don’t know what to do with this new information apart from feel completely helpless. Why is this happening? I’m 32 years old, I have experienced severe mental ill health for all my life but nothing like this. Why now? Can I just suddenly change like this. Well I have but is she going to be okay?

Things started getting bad for us when I was 29/30ish I can't remember now. I would recommend trying to find a T experienced and knowledgeable when it comes to DID. Also trying to communicate with them. If you blackout completely write to them. Maybe ask your husband to let them know you have written to them. I know it's hard ut the thing to do is accept the new information. For us acceptance is the thing that has made the most difference and helped us the most.

Thank you for the reassurance nyx.
Things came to a head and I’m now in hospital. Meeting with hospital psychiatrist tomorrow so we’ll see what he has to say. I’m terrified.

I hope being in the hospital is helpful for you and that psychiatrist is supportive and understanding.

Hello everyone, I am now back home with my husband and have been for a week or so. I have another two weeks to wait until I start seeing a therapist. In the mean time I am increasingly worried about my condition. What is it? How can I feel like I'm making it up and know I'm not at the same time? Why am I blacking out when my alters are at the front? I can't hear my alters all the time, sometimes I hear nothing at all but then they come forward anyway? I flit from one person to the next with no control and the only evidence of this is my husband telling me. This is all so new to me and I am going round in circles thinking about the who, what, wheres and whys of DID. I scroll through the message board looking for some sign in someones post that this is me and this is like what I am experiencing but everytime I find something I relate to, I find 10 things I don't. I feel like I can't figure it out and I am getting more and more distressed, as are my alters. I was hoping that there is someone who can help my brain stop freaking out. @NyxX can you offer any further reassurance?

That's a lot of questions. DID is about adapting to survive and thrive in an environment that is less then ideal. To do that it is often essential for one part of you to know nothing about others or to know nothing about the bad things or even the good things that happen. I remember reading a while ago so I don't have the link anymore but about someone saying as a kid they were a day child and a night child and the day child was happy and carefree and the night child lived in constant fear.

In that analogy its harmful for either child to know of the other. How can the day child be happy when they know such fear. And for things become yet more painful for the night child when they have good memories to contrast the bad because it teaches them just how bad the bad is. And that's what becomes DID memories, thoughts, feelings, ideas get divided one from the other and held separately so that each part can function to its best. The parts grow and evolve not as one person but as many.

The walls exist between to keep you apart to protect you from what the others know and experience. So often times you aren't meant to know they even exist. With time you can work with them to share what they know and feel but there will be times when they resist and times when you won't be able to handle things.

No one fits the perfect model of what it means to have DID because no one followed a blueprint or plan to separate there parts and to build wall in there mind. They did it instinctively from a need to cope without support things that were beyond what they were able to cope with. Your mind adapted to meet your needs the best way it could figure out.

A large part of progress for us has been figuring out why and then helping to figure out better ways or teaching parts that our life has changed that we have changed that it is safe now. Alters often behave in ways that they learnt to do in the past and don't realise change has occurred or that the way they are acting is no longer helping or in some cases is harmful.

So very well stated NyxX!

What you describe is pretty common from what I've seen with DID. Everyone is a bit different so there is no "textbook case" to compare to.

I wouldn't consider it a change, but perhaps part of your inner self now recognizes that things are better than before or that you are strong enough to handle it and are now revealing themselves to you.

The denial can be pretty persistent. My wife was sitting there thinking about what to write to someone in a PM last night, then looks up and me and says, "Did that just happen?" 3 responses showed up from 3 different alters in her system replying to the PM. We've known for almost a year now and there are still moments frequent moments of denial like that.

You might try some herbal teas to calm down a little bit. Sunflower was significantly helped by an "as needed" anxiety med. I don't think she has taken more than 3-4, but just the thought that they are available is calming. Could be something to discuss with a Dr.

How is your husband handling it? It was pretty unsettling for me at first. The open forum is focused on direct support of people with DID. However, I'd be happy to talk with him through PM's if he has questions. One SO to another.

Thank you Nyx and SOHank.
I am feeling clearer today and less chaotic. I appreciate your responses and SOHank I have let my husband know about your kind offer to speak to him on PM. Thank you.