problems with parts during therapy

So I have my first session with a potential T in a few days, and I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of treatment and how to bring it up. The T I got was on a list from PODS and she says she has experience with dissociation. We spoke briefly over the phone, but I'm not entirely sure how honest I was about my experiences, or if she understood, but she made it very clear that this first meeting is so we can decide if I trust her and want to work with her, stressing that THAT is more important than anything (which definitely gives me some degree of trust to begin with!)

What I'm worried about, is that I know I have a tendency to...forget, that I have problems when going to speak to Ts. I've never been able to explain it, but since researching dissociative disorders, I'm hesitantly saying there's some sort of switching/amnesia in effect.

Without fail, when I go to therapy (I've been to talk Ts in the past for non-dissociative issues), I present as extremely sociable, happy, energetic, healthy...all things that for the most part, I'm objectively not, while in therapy. However, no matter what I try, I can't "shake" that mood. It's the same face I put on when I go to get a haircut or interact with any strangers. It's a very charming part, very good at small talk, but it makes all my problems sound trivial.

With past Ts, I have been able to talk ABOUT my problems over time, but this cheery attitude gives them the wrong impression. With both Ts, when I actually had a dissociative episode while in therapy, they seemed visibly shocked by the change, and uncertain how to manage it. I don't want to play a part in THAT happening again. That's the exact stuff I'm here to treat this time, and it feels awful knowing that my behavior is feeding their assessment of how mentally healthy I am. I'm not, I'm just...really good at pretending. So good that I trick MYSELF.

I've been writing stuff down, to try and be ready, but I was wondering if anybody has advice. I'm not even entirely sure I'll be able to say what I said here...would it be worthwhile to write something down when I'm feeling dissociative and present it to her in case I'm unable to access any of that in the moment?

I think this part of me that presents as healthy is here to protect me...I've relied on it to get my basic life on track and navigate abusive family members, and I wouldn't be surprised if diminishing my own problems, even to myself, is a way of ensuring I can manage my life without feeling like I'm living a lie, carrying the burden of all of this with me at all times.

But at the end of the day...i DO want my T to know right from the start what she's dealing with, because it's the ENTIRE REASON I'm doing this. It's just that the part of me that takes over absolutely rejects the notion that something is wrong enough with me to warrant discussion, so much that I am not ABLE to remember what it feels like when things are bad, even though I'm pretty sure that's MOST of the time. Simply telling myself I can "be honest" isn't enough, and I know because I'm tried that for years. No matter how much I tell myself I can be vulnerable, I simply forget I have vulnerabilities in the first place.

If this sounds familiar to anyone, I'd really appreciate some advice. I don't want to sabotage my recovery by conveniently forgetting I have problems. (I'm not certain if this is indicative of a "switch" but its the only language I can use for it that makes sense at the moment)

Prepare and write down everything you want to tell the T and if you are unable to tell them you can leave the information with them.

Also be clear that when you are being happy and acting as if you don't have any worries you are dissociating your negative feelings. Dissociation manifest differently in different people.

We were very clear for example if I am being very eloquent and explaining things clearly that it means my emotions are off and I am seriously avoiding something. Its an indication Z is fronting which she hates doing but I don't trust my T enough to tell her that yet. So I told her it was a sign my emotions are offline and something is upsetting me. Something I feel unable to talk about that I will use my words to talk around or divert the topic to something safer. That I react in this way instinctually and can not stop it from happening. That even when I have tried to tell people and T's in the past that I'm doing this they have contradicted telling me I have explained myself clearly. This T said it was good to know that and she will keep an eye out for it in the future.

So my advice is to be clear with the new T about the ways you have of coping and that it is a way of hiding what is really going on both from yourself and others.

the very first time we talked to a T about parts we had made pictures of the different "faces" we have, including the one they will most probably see and also those that are usually hidden.
it helped a lot to give her something visible that is not visible in our behavior.

For our first meeting with our T, we knew there was a huge chance we'd chicken out about the dissociation and parts, and just make something up about why we were there. And there was also a pretty good chance we'd forget some important details or whatever.

So Rebecca wrote out a 2-page letter which explained our situation, had everything detailed, concise and clear, and when the day came I went in there and met her and just handed her the letter and let her read it before we really said much of anything.

I think the first paragraph of the letter said something along the lines of 'we're bringing this letter incase we forget or are too afraid of mentioning this..." lol.

Good luck.

V2

Hi Srhai,

You expressed yourself very clearly in your post. I would recommend printing it out and bringing it with you to give to the T, along with whatever else you've written. I think the T would really appreciate it--including knowing how committed you are to working on this.

srhai wrote:she made it very clear that this first meeting is so we can decide if I trust her and want to work with her, stressing that THAT is more important than anything (which definitely gives me some degree of trust to begin with!)

This sounds very promising, and all the more reason to be up front from your end as well.

srhai wrote:I think this part of me that presents as healthy is here to protect me...I've relied on it to get my basic life on track and navigate abusive family members, and I wouldn't be surprised if diminishing my own problems, even to myself, is a way of ensuring I can manage my life without feeling like I'm living a lie, carrying the burden of all of this with me at all times.

But at the end of the day...i DO want my T to know right from the start what she's dealing with, because it's the ENTIRE REASON I'm doing this. It's just that the part of me that takes over absolutely rejects the notion that something is wrong enough with me to warrant discussion, so much that I am not ABLE to remember what it feels like when things are bad, even though I'm pretty sure that's MOST of the time. Simply telling myself I can "be honest" isn't enough, and I know because I'm tried that for years. No matter how much I tell myself I can be vulnerable, I simply forget I have vulnerabilities in the first place.

If this sounds familiar to anyone, I'd really appreciate some advice. I don't want to sabotage my recovery by conveniently forgetting I have problems. (I'm not certain if this is indicative of a "switch" but its the only language I can use for it that makes sense at the moment)

Yes--very familiar. It's protective and due to dissociation. A lot of the amnesia that I have isn't for where I've been or what I've done in a period of time that has just passed, it's for what I was thinking or feeling during that time. And it happens A LOT in therapy. It is VERY frustrating! I feel like all those feelings/thoughts just halt themselves outside the door like a stubborn mule and will not come into the room with me. And like you said, while I'm there, I forget that there even IS anything that I wanted to talk about.

I deal with it by writing things down right after the session and throughout the week in a journal that I give to the T when I go there. I also print out posts from here to give him, because I will say things here that I won't say if I feel like I'm writing directly to him. I also have a private journal for parts to talk to each other, and sometimes I let him read that.

Good luck, and I'd love to hear how that first session goes if you want to share it.

NyxX wrote:Also be clear that when you are being happy and acting as if you don't have any worries you are dissociating your negative feelings. Dissociation manifest differently in different people.

Thanks for your reply, and in particular this part! I knew there was dissociation at play, but it's hard to reconcile with people that's what is happening when I seem happy...most people in my life treat this particular brand of happiness as a positive thing to not "think too much about," but it doesn't feel...right. This explains that "not right" feeling very well; it's definitely it's own form of dissociation and it's been an obstacle in understanding myself and my recovery.

-- Sat Aug 04, 2018 3:08 pm --

VioletFlux wrote:For our first meeting with our T, we knew there was a huge chance we'd chicken out about the dissociation and parts, and just make something up about why we were there. And there was also a pretty good chance we'd forget some important details or whatever.

So Rebecca wrote out a 2-page letter which explained our situation, had everything detailed, concise and clear, and when the day came I went in there and met her and just handed her the letter and let her read it before we really said much of anything.

I think the first paragraph of the letter said something along the lines of 'we're bringing this letter incase we forget or are too afraid of mentioning this..." lol.

Good luck.

V2

Thanks for the response! I have a feeling this is the sort of thing I will wind up doing...I felt really self conscious about it, but I feel like I've seen lots of examples of people doing this kind of thing here...maybe it comes with the territory? I probably will end up bringing something along, because I can already feel a great deal of resistance internally about this meeting, and maybe it would take some of the pressure off.

-- Sat Aug 04, 2018 3:13 pm --

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Yes--very familiar. It's protective and due to dissociation. A lot of the amnesia that I have isn't for where I've been or what I've done in a period of time that has just passed, it's for what I was thinking or feeling during that time. And it happens A LOT in therapy. It is VERY frustrating! I feel like all those feelings/thoughts just halt themselves outside the door like a stubborn mule and will not come into the room with me. And like you said, while I'm there, I forget that there even IS anything that I wanted to talk about.

I deal with it by writing things down right after the session and throughout the week in a journal that I give to the T when I go there. I also print out posts from here to give him, because I will say things here that I won't say if I feel like I'm writing directly to him. I also have a private journal for parts to talk to each other, and sometimes I let him read that.

Good luck, and I'd love to hear how that first session goes if you want to share it.

That describes exactly the problems I've been having! It does feel exactly like a stubborn mule, I love that metaphor for it haha. And the advice about writing things down right away after the session is really good advice...I had completely forgotten I also had that problem in therapy; if I had a "good" session where we talked about a lot of stuff, I'd forget it entirely hours after my session, which felt so discouraging, especially since I'm always "so sure" I will remember "this time"

I'll make sure to jot a note down somewhere about it and be sure to write down what happens! I'm not sure 100% if this T is going to be a fit for me or not, so who knows what I'll have to share, but this helps so much and I'm going to make an effort to share more. Thanks so much for the advice

what you wrote is incredibly familiar to me. i come across very "eloquent" when explaining my problems and it comes across like i understand myself just fine and that i have no problems when that's the exact reason i'm in therapy, i don't mean to come across in that way but it's an automatic gesture. i also often go into a session telling myself i need to talk about a topic but i end up sidelining myself without my therapist having done such a thing (she always starts with "so what's going on for you right now?") and without realising it i end up talking about something largely irrelevant and it's only when i leave that i realise what happened. that nearly always happens when it comes to trauma-related or system-related topics.

as the others have said, writing stuff down is the best way around stuff like this. also stating that it's a kind of coping mechanism to come across differently to how you are would be a good idea, if you can talk about it. most good therapists should pick up on that over time anyway, but it would likely save time letting your new T know that from the outset.

i've used PODS before and they've been immensely helpful, i hope your new T works well with you.

Yes. I also used to have a similar thing with doctors as a child. I could be really ill walk into the doctors and be smiley and fine.

With therapy it takes a good therapist. How I deal with doctors is to keep reminding myself I have to get a physical issue sorted. I need the doctor to know there's a problem.

Same can be applied to therapist. In therapy sometimes I'd say "I know I'm laughing but this was actually terrible" and a good therapist will push deeper to get the real emotions out - which is what you need, contact with the pain.