Please tell me who I am?!

Sorry for the length. Could use some input.

2.5 years ago, something really good happened. It was like doing a complete 180. All of a sudden, I wasn't a shy wall-flower. I became involved in things. I wasn't scared all of the time. I was confident in a crowd of people. I actually got up and made a speech, microphone and all, in front of hundreds of people! I quit worrying/caring if what anyone else thought of me.

I'm bi-polar and for a while I worried that I was manic - or getting there. But it lasted for so long, that it couldn't just be mania. I remember joking with a friend that maybe I had a new other . . . but at that point in our life, it felt like we were all co-operating/meshed so well, that it was seamless. Kinda like on auto-pilot. We didn't really pay attention to each other.

So, I've been wondering for over 2 years and it's gotten to where it really bothers me.

There have been SO many times that I sit here and I don't know who tf *I* am. I don't feel like "me." I don't feel like it's an other - I can't sense that it was one of them afterwards. Usually, I can at least get an inkling - if nothing else, that I was "gone" for a while. It started happening more and more. I know it's not Cikán, the born one. It's not the darkling, or little boo. It's not the gypsy.

Last night, I decided I'd write/ask about it here today. I think someone gave me the answer a few hours ago. It's still a question, but it's not bothering me like it has.

My boyfriend [that sounds funny for a grown-up to say] lives 2000 miles away. We've been "together" not quite 2 months. He's met "The Girls" as he calls them. He doesn't think we're strange. He says he loves all of us. [I thought he was angry with darkling a while back, but he was mostly frustrated with something that didn't even involve us.]

This afternoon we were texting and he said something about it stinks that all the women he loves live 2000 miles away. I know he's never left his state and I said "oh?" He replied "Yes. You [Cikán,] darkling, boo, the gypsy and Rose."

WHO TF IS ROSE?!

Well, that's the name he uses [to himself] when he's not sure if it's Cikán or darkling. Rose. "Cuz roses are sweet and bitter at the same time like you and darkling."

And that is how I've been feeling for so damned long! Not Cikán, not darkling, but at the same time both. The best of both. I feel blown away right now - in a good way - but still . . .

But the question I've had for so long is still the same: WHO IS THIS THAT'S WRITING/THINKING RIGHT NOW?!

Has Rose been fronting for most of 2.5 years?

WHO AM I?!

Also, the fact that he chose the name Rose is significant to me. Both the name and the flower are have alot of meaning to me - it's the middle name of all 5 of my grand-daughters for one thing. That part just feels . . . . idk . . . but I like it.


Thanks for reading all of this!

I don't think we can answer who you are. Maybe the 2 of you blend sometimes or maybe it is a part that isn't very distinguishable for some reason. Since Pixie got older I'm having trouble telling when she is coconscious with me or I with her because she feels like a younger happier version of me so I don't notice when she arrives because she is to similar to me now.

To us it's less important knowing who we are as long as we feel we are who we need to be right now in this moment and this time in our lives. And that's not always obvious I feel like our crisis started because somehow our lives became safe enough for Nixie to heal so she is who we need to be a lot. But it could just as easily be my life is safe now don't have to be scared I can be Pixie and be happy and carefree.

So I think whoever you are is who you need to be even if you don't understand who or why you are right now.

Interesting, and scary.

There may be one you didn't know about?
Or maybe you and Darkling work so well together that you can blend, but it's like each of you togther creates a new type of ... person?

When I feel like this, I journal. And I ask questions to the inside, and I hopefully get a response. Maybe you could try that? Maybe ask your boyfriend if he feels like Rose is a different person? And get him to talk to her?

I'm sorry that I don't really have answers, friend.

I can tell you that sometimes Delilah and I work so well together that I don't know if a thought is mine or hers.

K