Terrible Feelings about asking for help (Plus found out more

Hello, anyone ever get a terrible feeling that you should've never posted on here or asked for help? I keep getting a horrible feeling about posting on here as well as telling anyone about what is going on. I'm not sure if its coming from another personality or what is wrong, I just feel like I shouldn't ask for help or tell anyone what is going on.

I do know more about both Freedom and Wolverine now though- so I know it isn't them causing this feeling. Weirdo told me that he is part of Wolverine's gang (Apparently all the members are other personalities- although he wouldn't tell me how many there are- or their names). He also told me that each of them, including himself have two names. Weirdo is his nickname. Ludwig is his real name. He said Wolverine isn't Wolverine's real name, but he told me that he can't reveal it to me. He said that Wolverine would have to tell me himself- since he is the leader. He did tell me though that there is a guy named TJ. TJ's nickname is T-Rex. And there is another girl named Rose.

Weirdo (He said he still prefers being called that), told me that Wolverine wants to talk to me in my dreams. Apparently his preferred method of communication. Supposedly according to Weirdo, there is a worse personality than Wolverine and they want to warn me about them. Something like that.....


So yeah. Not sure what to think of all this. I still keep getting terrible feelings like I'm losing my mind. Thoughts keep popping in my mind telling me to stop faking it, but yet Why would I be faking this? I have no clue. Those feelings are driving me "mad". What is wrong with me?

We often feel a compulsion not to tell and talk about things and if we try to ignore it we become mute. It's never hindered our ability to write or type. For us it comes from our past and that we were forbidden from telling and punished if we showed any negative emotions.

You have talked before about not being helped or supported when you were in bad situations that could easily lead to feeling like you can't tell anyone. And if the people hurting you knew you were telling they could have reacted negatively and hurt you more and that would create a feeling that telling only makes things worse. I'm only making guesses based on your previous posts but feelings like you describe are for us at least based in our history.

NyxX wrote:We often feel a compulsion not to tell and talk about things and if we try to ignore it we become mute. It's never hindered our ability to write or type. For us it comes from our past and that we were forbidden from telling and punished if we showed any negative emotions.

You have talked before about not being helped or supported when you were in bad situations that could easily lead to feeling like you can't tell anyone. And if the people hurting you knew you were telling they could have reacted negatively and hurt you more and that would create a feeling that telling only makes things worse. I'm only making guesses based on your previous posts but feelings like you describe are for us at least based in our history.

Thank you for your response!

Yes, that's probably true. They do probably feel that no one will help, or if we do tell, they would put us in a mental hospital. Freedom definitely hates hospitals. So maybe it could be her after all? I don't know. I feel so confused lately.

You are learning a lot right now. Don’t forget the importance of taking a step back and taking a breath now and then. Literally and figuratively. It can be complicated, but can also get a lot better.

For my wife there were three aspects of “help”.

First, she and several of the insiders struggle asking for anything. Not unique as a lot of people struggle with this, but can be more pronounced with Dissociation. We had small breakthrough this weekend when I made cookies with the 9 y/o insider that she had been asking to do for a while. This let a lot of others see something like, “If he’s to go out of his way to make cookies with a little, maybe I really can ask about what is important to me.”

Secondly, like most people, the system generally doesn’t want to change. Most have been relatively content hiding, at least thinking it’s better than being found. Change is scary and should happen slowly in little “bits”. Trust is key. Wife and I were married a decade before any insiders introduced themselves to me. Wife’s T has specific training in DID and didn’t see anyone for a six months (started seeing her for depression).

Third, and not as common. My wife has a couple alters that were specifically told to keep secrets. One fought this, but we are now on great terms. Another one or two have mostly stopped fighting against T and I, but are still very wary of trust.

Having people around to support you is super important. Tell them what you are comfortable telling them, but even just encouragement when feeling down is huge.

SOHank wrote:You are learning a lot right now. Don’t forget the importance of taking a step back and taking a breath now and then. Literally and figuratively. It can be complicated, but can also get a lot better.

For my wife there were three aspects of “help”.

First, she and several of the insiders struggle asking for anything. Not unique as a lot of people struggle with this, but can be more pronounced with Dissociation. We had small breakthrough this weekend when I made cookies with the 9 y/o insider that she had been asking to do for a while. This let a lot of others see something like, “If he’s to go out of his way to make cookies with a little, maybe I really can ask about what is important to me.”

Secondly, like most people, the system generally doesn’t want to change. Most have been relatively content hiding, at least thinking it’s better than being found. Change is scary and should happen slowly in little “bits”. Trust is key. Wife and I were married a decade before any insiders introduced themselves to me. Wife’s T has specific training in DID and didn’t see anyone for a six months (started seeing her for depression).

Third, and not as common. My wife has a couple alters that were specifically told to keep secrets. One fought this, but we are now on great terms. Another one or two have mostly stopped fighting against T and I, but are still very wary of trust.

Having people around to support you is super important. Tell them what you are comfortable telling them, but even just encouragement when feeling down is huge.

Thank you for your advice! I greatly appreciate it! Hopefully things will improve with trust. I'm trying to get to know each of my personalities better. I allowed them to go clothing shopping today for the 1st time. They've been complaining about my wardrobe for a while now. Well, it turns out they have great fashion sense (which is a good thing)- much better than mine. I also added the songs I found out they like to my playlist. Hopefully we'll become closer soon. I do know though that we want help, we just are scared to ask for it. Had bad experiences with A LOT of different Therapists. So it is scary..... The last one dismissed DID right away without even getting to know us. She told me to ignore the others and most definitely don't call them by name. It really bothered us what she said. We didn't go back to her after that.

Ponyta wrote:Had bad experiences with A LOT of different Therapists. So it is scary..... The last one dismissed DID right away without even getting to know us. She told me to ignore the others and most definitely don't call them by name. It really bothered us what she said. We didn't go back to her after that.

It will be important to make sure that whoever you see has experience with DID and knows how to treat it. Ts who are ignorant (like that one) do a lot of damage and make it that much harder for someone to try again. There are good Ts out there, but they can be hard to find.

Glad to know we aren't the only ones with this do-not-tell issue! Have an alter whose major responsibility is to do things so nobody knows & see that we don't tell. Have been paying for our therapy out of pocket cuz can't let insurance company know as they will tell. Even got a special program so our search engine can't be tracked. She also is what she calls very 'image conscious' so people won't guess. When out of our home, for example, everyone must wear glasses. Whether we need them or not!! When driving is the only exception but still must wear to & from car. She's good at her job too. My therapist is the only one that knows.
Panicked severely one time. Decided to give a party the night before having minor surgery. One alter will throw a party for any reason at a moment's notice...like cuz it's Wednesday or not-Wednesday! Without forethought several alters invited their friends. As I was meeting people & attempting to introduce them,realized what had happened as I heard strangers asking 'How do you know her? " Our worlds were colliding. Guests started congregating in different rooms with others they knew. So alters wanted to be with 'their' friends. Problem!! A nurse friend explained later to several people that my unusual behavior was pre-surgery jitters & medication. Sounded plausible, I guess. Certainly no one said they thought it was DID behaviour!
We also have one that keeps telling us we're faking it, etc. Although recently, with the US gymnastics & Catholic Church news, his story is more..it happens to a lot of kids so get over it. My therapist deals with him cuz we easily start buying into it.

It's horribly hard to ask for help but when we do from knowledgeable people, it makes all the difference in the world.
Thanks...

This compulsion to keep other people's dirty secrets is absolutely standard domestic abuse survivor stuff. It is how the abuser gets away with abusing for so long.

Delilah kept Lilly in when Lilly wanted to meet the T, before we told the T about the others. D has been the one to "make sure everything looks normal on the outside."

She was very angry with me when I decided to tell the T about the others. But she's calmed down and was even fronting a few weeks ago when we went to our appointment, and she was herself, rather than pretending to be me.

Val, I get the sense thinks we don't need therapy, but it's more a feeling than hearing her directly. She isn't talking to anyone except Lilly. We don't even know what she looks or sounds like. We only have Lilly's description to go on, and when I asked in our journal what she looks like, her response (two days later) was "It depends on the day." Um.. okay?

*shrugs*

It's hard. People like us (you, me and other DID'ers) want to look normal. It's scary to think about telling people our secret. Your system has been there to protect you and help you function for a very long time, and telling people threatens that. It goes against the very nature of the protectors.

Just take a deep breath, and then do what you gotta do. Ya know?

K