Are there several parts of myself? How can I not know?

This is all pretty new to me (I'm brand new to this forum) and I've read many posts that really don't describe how I feel, at all, and I'm wondering if I really have DID or if what I'm describing is familiar to anyone.

I had a difficult childhood (sexual and mental abuse) and, beginning when I was young, had very violent tantrums. The kids at school called me "The Hulk" because I was generally a really sweet little kid... until someone made me angry (and nobody liked me when I was angry). At one point my parents told me that they had considered putting me in foster care because they "couldn't handle me". I was in a special ed class because of my anger issues and I tried, very hard, to be "normal" and fit in. To fit in, I built "walls" around that part of me to keep it from getting out but, from time to time, something would happen and I would have an outburst. And it still comes out... and I'm 48 years old for crying out loud!

I've been in counseling, for about a year now (after a difficult emotional event) and I often talk about the angry part of me. It doesn't have a name and I never really thought of it as a "personality" before, but it is angry at the world, and it wants to hurt people. It "lives" inside my head about a foot behind me and to the left (I would LOVE to know if that statement makes sense to anyone else).

I've also talked to my counselor about the logical part of me. It seems to be more centered and forward. Now, the more I think about it, I feel like all my emotions are segregated (How can I not know?).

The "me" I present to the world feels more like a shell that's just a conduit for these other "parts" of myself. For instance, if someone tells a mildly offensive joke at work, the angry part may think it's hilarious, but the logical part knows the rules and decides whether "I" should laugh or not. It feels like everything gets filtered through the logical part before I act on anything.

I'd like to keep going, but I don't want to ramble... so... Does this seem like DID? Does anything I described resonate with any of you?

I think you basically answered your question in the subject. There are several parts of you. What that could be diagnosed as, if anything, that's something for a professional. The fact that you experience these parts as autonomous and distinct suggests a dissociative disorder more than a non-dissociative diagnosis but that's just a quick response of my part. This article contrasting DID and OSDD-1 might shed some light on things for you.

Treatment for both of these dissociative disorders is going to be pretty similar. Is your counselor a psychotherapist? Dissociative disorders are much more common than was once thought. And whatever your situation, you'll want to find therapy which is designed to treat what you have. Treating someone for the wrong condition, no matter how sincere or well-meaning the therapist, can be counter-productive or worse.

Just one thing about your username. You may know this but the angry part of you is not your enemy, right? It's you. There's a reason there is so much anger, ironically probably a very logical reason originally.

EnemyWithin wrote:This is all pretty new to me (I'm brand new to this forum) and I've read many posts that really don't describe how I feel, at all, and I'm wondering if I really have DID or if what I'm describing is familiar to anyone.

It "lives" inside my head about a foot behind me and to the left (I would LOVE to know if that statement makes sense to anyone else).

Hello, Welcome to the forum. I'm pretty new here too, so not really 100% sure what to say, but the way you describe it could be DID. I believe I understand what your saying about where "it" lives. My one personality, "Weirdo", pretty much always stands on my left side. Sometimes I can feel him (In "My" Mind) place his hand on my shoulder- but even when he doesn't do that, I can sense that he is there. It feels like he stands only about a foot away from me as well.(As for the name: Weirdo said the bullies called "us" that -so he adopted it because he is unique) I can sometimes feel the others as well. One will stand behind me so that I can't see them- not sure which one that is yet. There are others as well though. I only know of a few so far, but I do know that there are more of them.

EnemyWithin wrote:It "lives" inside my head about a foot behind me and to the left (I would LOVE to know if that statement makes sense to anyone else).

Makes total sense to me! I have a protector part called Watcher, who floats. I don't have a sense of where they are generally, but for some reason when we are in the T's office, I know that Watcher is above and to the left of the T, up near the ceiling. (Not that I see anything there--I just know that's where they are).

EnemyWithin wrote:The "me" I present to the world feels more like a shell that's just a conduit for these other "parts" of myself. For instance, if someone tells a mildly offensive joke at work, the angry part may think it's hilarious, but the logical part knows the rules and decides whether "I" should laugh or not. It feels like everything gets filtered through the logical part before I act on anything.

This is actually a very good description of how things are for me. The idea of a host never seems to fit for me--I'm definitely more like a logical gatekeeper part. Over the past year, since finding out about the parts, they've fronted more fully and independently at times, under controlled conditions, but it's hard to let myself do that.

Welcome to the forum. I'm sure things will become clearer over time. The answer to "How can I not know?" is that this is the purpose of dissociation--to hide parts of you from yourself.

I agree with Johnny-Jack that it sounds like a dissociative disorder, and also that as far as treatment is concerned, it doesn't really matter whether it's DID or OSDD. Definitely make sure that whatever T you see for this really understands how to treat it and has experience.

Very recognizable! My 'logical part(s)' is in the tip of my head, angry/scared protectors around my right shoulder, innocent and 'clingy' parts around my left shoulder and, at least that's how it feels.. when I'm triggered, I feel some sort of an 'injection' coming from the right or the left and in worst cases, deep inside. But, I'm one of five hosts and I don't know how it feels to others who come from both sides (in my 'opinion':)).

Hi,

How can you not know??? Hosts are built to not know. Their job is to 'go on like nothing is wrong'. To do that they can't know everything (sometimes anything) about what the other parts do or think or feel. One of our big discussions with our T was whether to let Host know what was going on in therapy. We had him pretty much blanked out. After a while we started letting him know stuff. It felt really weird!

Welcome to the forum.

Iain

Welcome to the forum!

What you said reminded me of how we are, which is like living in a trench system (WW1 type), with lots of channels and avenues to access each other. I would say this mainly happens when we are stressed, as we 'hunker down'. It also happens as some of us have different abilities/dis-abilities, like sight, hearing, taste, so on. These are mostly split up, so the feeling is more of an 'experience' than all in one place.

Are you stressed at the moment? Do you know how things are for you when you aren't stressed?

I think the possibility of DID or something like is high. And I'm going to assume by your username you view your angry part as an enemy and that your behaviour towards them reflects that.

We have a part we used to treat as an emeny. Nixie is our main trauma holder and because her pain and fear are such overwhelming emotions for us we isolated her and built walls in our mind to keep her imprisoned. The first time Ozalces met Nixie he described it like trying to deal with a frightened animal. Her ability to think and understand several limited she was little more then the emotions she embodied.

Keeping Nixie locked away kept us safe from her fear and pain but it kept her separated from our changing reality. She never understood that we are safe and we have no need to be afraid now. She was and to a large extent still is trapped in the past.

A few years ago something changed I'm not 100% sure what but somehow she became more aware, more then just a vessel for our pain and fear. And she started using her emotions as weapons against us. She only stopped when we learnt about DID and stopped trying to imprison and isolated her.

Since then we have been mainly focused on trying help Nixie heal and learn that our life is now safe and secure and generally communicate with everyone. And it has helped tremendously and we are healing.

I feel like a part that holds that much anger is likely to be a trauma holder and angry over what you have experienced and really a protector and feels the only way to protect is with that anger. So I would advise you try to work with that part and not treat it like an enemy.

Thanks for all the replies. I’m on my phone so this is just a note about my username until I get to my computer. Enemy Within is an episode from the original Star Trek series (I’m a Trekkie) where Kirk’s “good” and “bad” side are separated. In the end, Kirk realizes that one can’t exist without the other. I thought it was fitting.

I like the Tuvix episode from voyager because I think that's what it would be like if we merged. Also much cooler name now I know the reference.