New... Confused... *Trigger warning- suicide discussion*

So, I believe I have an alter: Jackie... She takes over when I'm under duress and it used to be fine... I used to like the breaks from life and allow her to just work on the things I normally work on...

One day she disappeared and I went to the most traumatic experience I had to get her back and it didn't work the first time, so I did it again and I thought she was gone but I ran into the ex friend that triggered Jackie to take over in the first place and she finally came back... Not sure she was ever really gone, I think she just wanted to let me deal with stuff on my own and heal.

Anyways... one day I was about to try and commit suicide... And I left a suicide note just in case I finally followed through this time. My friend was asleep and if I came back I could take the note and throw it away and not acknowledge it at all...

That was the plan at least. When I decided not to go through with it I started to walk back to the apartment, but Jackie took over instead. When she takes over I don't really lose memories.

She decided to write her own note stating "do not give these back to (my name) until the morning," and put both notes and the noose I planned to use at the foot of his bed...

Following morning she still is in control and gets to introduce herself. We both thought that I had already told him about Jackie but I hadn't. So now he's not really communicating with me. He thinks I'm just trying to cope and am faking. I feel betrayed by Jackie because she usually allows me to deal with problems and never has put a problem right on my lap before...

When my counselor told me how my friend could view this suicide gesture as manipulation, the fact that I didn't want him to know about it and that Jackie made that decision for me both pissed me off and terrified me...

Idk. I'm so confused by this whole thing and don't know who I can turn to in order to talk about this......

Hi,

Could you put a triggerwarning in your topic title when discussing selfharm+?

I agree with your counseler and I'm sorry you have the feeling that you don't have people you can talk to about this.

Jackie is probably trying to take steps to prevent you from following through on your desire. But the T is right the way she has gone about things is manipulative and I imagine scary and intimidating to wake up with a noose at the foot of his bed.

Bejer wrote:Hi,

Could you put a triggerwarning in your topic title when discussing selfharm+?

I agree with your counseler and I'm sorry you have the feeling that you don't have people you can talk to about this.

You're right, mb. I'm trying to edit to put that on the title but I can't find out how... Was trying to explain my situation because I didn't know how to process it and wanted feedback. :/ Do u know how to edit it or is this not possible?

I've added a trigger warning in for you.

Lily

Most parts are there to protect us and act in ways they feel is in our best interest.
My take on it, the fact that Jackie felt the need to do this, says that your suicidal thoughts are getting worse, and she feels like one day you may actually do it.

Think about it, if you commit suicide, you'll kill her too. She probably doesn't want to die, and she doesn't want you to die.

Could she have gone about it differently? Maybe. Or maybe she felt like this was the only way you'd truly get help.

Will she talk to the T?

I'm truly sorry you felt so... lost, and desperate enough to even think about going through with it. I truly truly truly hope you can get to a place where suicide is no longer an option for you. And I hope you and/or your T can speak with Jackie and work things out.

Kitten

I agree with Kitten. It sounds like Jakie thinks you need help and is pushing you to get it using an outside person to assist. Dissociation is about survival and the system will most always seek to preserve itself (despite individual actions). It's understandable to be upset. Though, please consider thanking her in the future.

As for your friend: It's a lot to take learning about someone with DID. Add that to what was in the box... He probably needs a little time. Apologies would be good as long as you mean them. Offer to talk to him and let him ask questions. If you're not ready yet, tell him that and let him know you want to talk, but not yet. If he's not ready, offer to be there when he wants. Waiting can be the hardest thing sometimes.

I do hope you find some help. We are here, but in person is better in my experience.

My post is gone. What the heck? That's annoying.
Britney

You replied on the wrong thread or magic

dissociative-identity/topic208302.html

The Pixie

NyxX wrote:You replied on the wrong thread or magic

dissociative-identity/topic208302.html

The Pixie

Yeah I just saw that. Crap.
Oops.

LOL

B

-- Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:52 am --

If kitten was that serious about a suicide attempt, I'd hijack the body and not let her out till *I* talked to the therapist. I'm pretty sure Delilah would help me lock kitten in if I needed assistance. I'm sorry you feel betrayed, but Jackie did you a favor.

If you kill yourself, you kill her. She clearly doesn't want you to kill her. And she wants you to to not kill yourself.

Sorry, I'm on Jackie's side on this one.

Britney