First split earlier than I thought. *TW*

This could possibly be a trigger for some of you.

About a year ago Delilah showed me her first memory, the moment of the first split when she became fully self-aware as a person or separate part (however you want to say it). No one can remember exactly when Lilly split, so we've always kind of thought that she was created at the same time Delilah was, or very shortly after. So since Lilly is 5.5, we were under the impression that the first split(s) happened around the age of five or six.

But the other day, I was thinking about it, and something about the age felt "off." I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had this feeling that the thought/believe about the age was wrong.

So I called my mom last night and said, "Hey, I have this memory from when I was really little, and I'm trying to figure out when we lived in that house." So I describe the house to my mother, who says, "You remember that?!?!?!? WOW!" I said, I just have two memories from that house, and I'm trying to figure out how hold I was. She was like, "Way to go, that's impressive! Good job honey." I said, "Oh, thanks I guess." Because I couldn't really say, "Well the real reason I asked is because I have split personalities and i thought it happened when I was five but now i'm thinking I was younger when this other person in my head came around." *sigh*

Anyway, it turns out that the memory is from the house my parents lived in when I was born, where my younger sister was born (when I was 3) and we moved out when I was four.

So... the first split didn't happen at five or six, it happened much earlier. I don't know why, but I feel very shocked, and... unsettled? I don't even know the right word. Sad?


****TRAUMA DISCUSSED, DEMON RELATED****

The first trauma memory was actually not something that a person did it was something we saw. I know many people here do not believe in a spirit world, Heaven, Hell, demons, angels, that sort of thing... but I know what I saw. There was at least one demon in that house, and we saw it, and that's when Delilah split off.

I'm not saying there wasn't other trauma in my life at that age, I know there was, I just don't remember it.

***END TRIGGER WARNING****

So yeah, I feel.. I don't even know how I feel. I mean, does it really matter that the first split happened earlier than I thought? It doesn't change anything, really, right?

Kitten

It matters if it feels like it matters. Often we have been told by clueless people trying to ground us or use guided meditation in what they think is an attempt to help have told us to think back to a time before there was any stress or worry or trauma. I've always found it frustrating because we don't remember a before time.

And it's painful to know that something others find so fundamental and so basic is something that was missing from our lives. And I think it is part of why society finds it so hard to accept people as traumatised as we have been exists. The belief in parental instinct, in the concept that a parent will always love and protect there children, that they will do whatever is necessary for them.

But it's wrong a magical connection between parent and child is a myth. Some parents have to work hard to feel connected to there children and some parents cross the line and become who the children need protection from.

Anyway I'm getting distracted. I'm sorry your trauma began earlier then you thought. And what matters is how that makes you feel.

NyxX wrote:It matters if it feels like it matters. Often we have been told by clueless people trying to ground us or use guided meditation in what they think is an attempt to help have told us to think back to a time before there was any stress or worry or trauma. I've always found it frustrating because we don't remember a before time.

And it's painful to know that something others find so fundamental and so basic is something that was missing from our lives. And I think it is part of why society finds it so hard to accept people as traumatised as we have been exists. The belief in parental instinct, in the concept that a parent will always love and protect there children, that they will do whatever is necessary for them.

But it's wrong a magical connection between parent and child is a myth. Some parents have to work hard to feel connected to there children and some parents cross the line and become who the children need protection from.

Anyway I'm getting distracted. I'm sorry your trauma began earlier then you thought. And what matters is how that makes you feel.

Thanks so much for that!
My mom was a good mom, she did the best she could under the circumstances. She tried her hardest to protect us, but she was a victim too. Ya know? It would kill a part of her if I told her about my DID and the causes of it. She already feels like she failed my little sister (who has a different set of issues due to the traumas). *sigh*

Kitten

I understand my birth mum was 19 and married to an abusive man 13 years older then her when she ran (I was 7 months old.) And it was similar with the step mum. I had for a few years. They were young women who were afraid themselves. I'm glad you had someone who tried to protect you even if she wasn't able to do much.

NyxX wrote:I understand my birth mum was 19 and married to an abusive man 13 years older then her when she ran (I was 7 months old.) And it was similar with the step mum. I had for a few years. They were young women who were afraid themselves. I'm glad you had someone who tried to protect you even if she wasn't able to do much.

I think she probably did more than I'll ever know and protected us from more than we'll ever truly understand. And after she got up the courage to leave him, she did eventually meet a good man who showed us what a man is supposed to be like. And my father did end up getting help later. We have a decent relationship now, probably because I have very few memories of what happened. And the memories I do have are Delilah's so when she shows me it's either like I was out of my body and I'm watching a movie... or like playing a first-person game where I'm watching it through someone else's eyes but it wasn't me. Ya know?

Kitten

I think it matters because it fills in your memory and your life story .
It doesn’t “ change” things as much as it informs you of your own story and that of your little ones inside.

I know many ages but not always “ how” they came to be.

Tw*********


The demon stuff ? I never saw anything but when I was little thought the devil came at night when the little light over my to bed was turned off . I slept with it on . But I really think it was a metaphor for my father coming into my room . That he turned out the light . That he was the devil

LadySlippers wrote:I think it matters because it fills in your memory and your life story .
It doesn’t “ change” things as much as it informs you of your own story and that of your little ones inside.

I know many ages but not always “ how” they came to be.

Thank you. I'm suddenly very sad. Lilly is upset. I don't know why. Trying to breathe deep. I don't have any of her things with me. I feel.....

A switch. She felt a switch coming.

LadySlippers wrote:
Tw*********


The demon stuff ? I never saw anything but when I was little thought the devil came at night when the little light over my to bed was turned off . I slept with it on . But I really think it was a metaphor for my father coming into my room . That he turned out the light . That he was the devil

The metaphor very much makes sense.

Delilah

I don't know how much you've read about structural dissociation, but the current thinking is based on the research showing that babies/toddlers are not integrated from the start, but gradually form a cohesive, non-dissociated self by the time they are 2 or so, if there is secure attachment and emotional support. If there is disorganized attachment, or emotional neglect, or other kinds of trauma, that process fails to occur. So there are parts from the very beginning, and then more can form later as more trauma occurs that's unable to be processed at the time (because of the lack of emotional support and secure attachment).

I'm just mentioning this because sometimes our conception of our systems is based on (erroneous) things that we've read. I thought for years that I couldn't even HAVE parts because I didn't have the necessary background that I READ was "required." So, my parts were just left feeling like they couldn't actually exist--because we read that they couldn't.

So it would make sense that distinct parts were present at a very young age.

Obviously, these is a theory, and theories are only as good as their ability to explain someone's experience. So if this theory doesn't match up with yours, and your experience is better explained by the concept of splitting from an existing whole person, then that's what's true for you.

Hi Kitten,
I hope you and Lilly are safe . And everyone else

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I don't know how much you've read about structural dissociation, but the current thinking is based on the research showing that babies/toddlers are not integrated from the start, but gradually form a cohesive, non-dissociated self by the time they are 2 or so, if there is secure attachment and emotional support. If there is disorganized attachment, or emotional neglect, or other kinds of trauma, that process fails to occur. So there are parts from the very beginning, and then more can form later as more trauma occurs that's unable to be processed at the time (because of the lack of emotional support and secure attachment).

I'm just mentioning this because sometimes our conception of our systems is based on (erroneous) things that we've read. I thought for years that I couldn't even HAVE parts because I didn't have the necessary background that I READ was "required." So, my parts were just left feeling like they couldn't actually exist--because we read that they couldn't.

So it would make sense that distinct parts were present at a very young age.

Obviously, these is a theory, and theories are only as good as their ability to explain someone's experience. So if this theory doesn't match up with yours, and your experience is better explained by the concept of splitting from an existing whole person, then that's what's true for you.

Delilah was the one doing the research initially in DID. We had seen something about structural dissociation but didn't quite understand what it meant. So thank you for bringing it up and explaining it in uncomplicated terms.

She's saying she's going to do more research into it now that she understands what the term actually means.

Thank you.

-- Mon Jul 23, 2018 11:11 am --

LadySlippers wrote:Hi Kitten,
I hope you and Lilly are safe . And everyone else

Hi. We're okay and safe. I'm at work. I guess I got worked up over this new knowledge and needed a moment to process. Delilah felt I wasn't coping well so pulled me in to recenter myself. Having a visible "moment" here would not be good. Thankfully it's slow and not many people are coming by or calling today.

Thank you for your sincere concern. I'm okay now.

Part of the issue is that we are used to having constant communication with our husband whenever we need him. But he had an unusual work schedule this weekend which cut communication down to very very minimum. If Lilly can't talk to him at the moment she needs him she panics and has anxiety attacks. So the communication being so minimal has created some additional chaos in our system that we aren't used to dealing with. I think that added to the unstable feelings.

But, today we're back to our usual communications with our husband so hopefully the internal craziness will calm down!

Kitten