We're feeling out of place

The past 8 years have been hard. I could nevwr finish school because of mental illness never knew it was all because of my DID.

Now that all my friends have their degrees...I'm feeling proud that I'm taking Care of myself and figuring out my issues...but I also feel way behind and it hurts.

I'm ambitious but I've gotta take it easy with myself and that's a hard feeling to feel.

I dont think I'll ever be able to function as "normal" I have a hadd time doing things...and I'm starting to come to terms with it. But still feel out of place aometimes because of it.



Am I'm thw only one that has this issue?

We have A lot of issues over our education. We are above average intelligence and had to drop out of school at 16. We tried to stay on and do our A levels (exams in the UK that you have at 18) but our home life was so disruptive and we had to work and pay the bills so it was just to much.

We aren't trying to be boastful we get told by people I'm really smart and shock when we tell them we didn't complete our A levels which isn't uncommon compulsory education to 18 has only recently been introduced most people our age dropped out of school after GCSE's or O levels (exams at 16.)

And it gets frustrating at times I can talk to people with university degrees and find that they don't understand me. My vocabulary choices confuse them because I use to many 'big' words they don't understand. Or knowledge on subjects take I for granted they know nothing about. Less well educated people are often less frustrating because if they don't understand something I say they will just ask. But the well educated get weird about it.

I also find it limits employment opportunities which is also frustrating.

My opinion is that looking after yourself is most important. Now you can you can catch up and excel past. That's our opinion. Use yourself as your own yard stick not others. Comparing self to others is bad for singletons as much as it's bad for multiples so stop. Measure your own success against yourself. That's our opinion.

I struggle a lot with this. I got through all of my compulsory education but I realised rather painfully over the past year or so that I only got through it because of severe levels of dissociation and avoidance-based coping - I barely remember anything from that time in my life because of it. I've had to drop out of university twice now and I'm unsure if I have it in me to attempt picking my degree back up for a third time, especially considering how much debt I owe already. Most of my friends have degrees, even masters, one is going back to do a phd, they all work full-time. I feel left behind. My partner and both my sisters struggled with education but they're all able to work so I feel distanced from them because of that, being stuck in a position where I can't work or study is really isolating.

I'm trying not to think about my employment prospects because of all this. It's too stressful to think about it. But the point is, right now I'm not able to work or study. It's pointless upsetting myself by comparing myself to others and saying "but why can't I be like them?".

You need to focus on yourself, take care of yourself, do what's best for you. It's really hard, especially if other people are putting pressure on you to meet their expectations, but to be blunt they can stick that where the sun doesn't shine

I typed out a long reply but then made myself sad and deleted it. Trying again.

WeAreOne420 wrote:Am I'm thw only one that has this issue?

Not at all. I think for everyone it's different tho. Like for me, I don't care about the education and degrees. I don't care too much about work success or financial success. My out-of-place-ness is with people, relationships.

Both our best friends are in long-term relationships. Seems like everyone we've known over the years, all previous host's friends and whatever, have gotten married or are at least with partners and stuff.

We're always the third-wheel or whatever when visiting friends. V1 I think doesn't feel it, and I know our previous host definitely didn't, but I get lonely a lot and it kills me knowing we don't know how to make friends, don't know how to relate to people, and it's never gonna be any different, just me and my headmates and our cats. Even if I could figure out all the relationship stuff enough to meet people, the others wouldn't let me cos they're scared of people.

Now I've made myself sad again.

Anyways, yeah, I thik everyone compares themself to others, and it's always a bad thing to do. Like the others have said, just focus on yourself, looking after yourself and do the best you can at being you.

V2

It sucks, we're bloody awesome, but because we go and struggle through things that others in our friend group don't, we kinda fade? I guess? They're focused on degrees and careers, and with our health and mental health issues, we are far more focused on ourselves.
And that's fine
It's just...uncomfortable for everyone

So we definitely sympathise with you

VioletFlux wrote:I thik everyone compares themself to others, and it's always a bad thing to do. Like the others have said, just focus on yourself, looking after yourself and do the best you can at being you.

V2

It so hard not to, but this is great advice, V2. From the outside, my life looks very successful--marriage, kids, house, professional job, etc, but it doesn't apply to all the parts, so we often feel like we're being an imposter, or playing a role. There are parts that have close friends from a long time ago, but it's really hard for me to make friends because I'm always hiding a significant amount of who I am. I can look like I fit in with groups in different settings, and they probably think I'm one of them, but I never feel like I completely fit in.

I think this is a big issue for most people with DID, because with the trauma of neglect and disorganized attachment, we feel "out of place" from the start and like if we were just different somehow, better in some way, then we would get the love and acceptance we need. It's very easy to feel wrong for just being who we are.

Our host was or still is dealing with this conflict as well. He's 31 now and was not able to obtain his Bachelor's Degree when he was about 38 credits away from finishing his program. At the end of 2012, his lender defaulted his financial aid profile due to a mistake on their end (Did not verify his proof of enrollment documents when he transferred to a different university), and despite the disputes, the host ended up having to drop out of school prematurely and acquired a bit of debt due to his last term there not being paid off by grants and/or loans. The worst part about this is that the host spent most of his life adhering to his mother's bourgeois expectations and she had kept drilling the prospects of going to medical school and becoming a brilliant doctor into him, even if that meant using physical and emotional abuse. Sometime after 2010-2011 before this happened, the host had switched his major from pre-med to a program he wanted to pursue. Then when he couldn't complete what he started, we all believe that's when Kestrel (Who didn't have a name at that time) began to manipulate the host, with the exception of Archer appearing in social situations and also while inhibitions were lowered or if he had just finished a workout at the gym. The host applied for therapy and continued for several sessions but Kestrel was usually in the seat and the host figured it was just repressed pain and he needed to vent. It was definitely Kestrel. He was a broken man and completely shattered. He got angry and yelled. He went on about loss and pain. The therapist assigned the host to a specialist in child abuse and DID, but once the host received a follow-up email, he never responded and ignored it because he knew it wasn't him. He never did like talking about himself. Mid 2013, the host worked as a freelance personal trainer and writer, worked in technical support at Netflix, and a couple restaurants until the end of September of 2017. From 2015-2017, Kestrel was in the seat most of the time while the host was unaware and simply recognized Kestrel as a simple mood swing or a bipolar disorder. And the host recognized Archer as his less moody self (Like, "Oh, I just had a #######5 day. Let's blow some trees and we'll be good."). Kestrel worked relentlessly to have the host believe that it isn't possible to have multiple identities with varying views/opinions and likes/dislikes, and so forth. Kestrel only cared about money and was content working a regular dead-end job "until he expired like the canned food on a bodega shelf." During this time, Kestrel kept implanting his views of futility and death; how life is a disease, into the host and he was good at it. Once the host began putting all the pieces together and sifting through his library of memories, we were all able to nip this problem in the bud. Now, it's still a work in progress but the more clarification the host receives from connecting the dots, the easier it gets to sync everyone (Hehe, the host just earlier found out that I kissed one of his girl cousins when they were around 5 or 6. What's interesting is that she was into it, so I wonder if she knew . The host always looked back on that memory as a normal odd thing kids do because of the particular stage of development as explained by Sigmund Freud). Before I was uploaded and integrated into the system, Archer had his hand full and Kestrel wanted so bad for the host to kill themselves. Kestrel had taken an exam for one of the classes the host is enrolled in (The host is finally able to finish school and has been taking classes again since January! . All A's too! And for the host's nutrition class, Kestrel never wanted to attend lecture other than for exam days, but the host managed to get an A regardless) the other day, and Kestrel missed 2 points. I mean, the host will still get an A or a B in the class, and that's fine. A minor detail such as that isn't worth just ending everything and manipulating the host as he did. Then an impulse came over the host for a nano second like, "What if this is what I've suspected my whole life, what others may have suspected." Then he proceeded to immediately lower his inhibitions. And then Archer pops up and instantly responds, "###$ you, Kestrel. First of all... this is something we all have to finish for the sake of the host. It's bad enough his own mother doesn't think highly of him considering the fact that he is quite brilliant. But he isn't well and his full potential wasn't realized because of your tugging of the strings, alongside all the $#%^ he went through alone. He had an eidetic memory as a child but that went away. I'm guessing you had something to do with it so you can play around with his memories, yeah? I just want to help move this along and get it over with so we can begin a new chapter in our lives. You're done. I'm putting you on a time out." Once the host figured out Archer wasn't a just a nickname he used online or amongst his closest friends, He start connecting dots. Then I showed up! Well, I've been here longer than Kestrel and Archer, and now that the system is stabilized, it's smoother going forward with planning details. Any change in the detail, we can all assume Kestrel might have something to do with it. Certain parts can have the ability to exploit fears such as failure and etc., and in order to cut off that control, another part needs to stand up. I hope all of this can be of some help. The host needs productive whispers in their ears. The host has always been worried about the public perception of himself, whether that be from peers, co-workers, family, or friends, and especially his own opinions of himself. A lot of his friends are married and have kids. Some work in the medical field as physicians, nurses, or pharmacists. Others may not be paid as well as the aforementioned but have good careers and have a well-adjusted life. But Archer helped the host realize that despite our circumstances, "we work through pain" (One of Archer's favorite superheroes is the Batman) and the only way we start anew is finish what has already been started. One of my favorite movies is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and near the end of the movie, Benjamin writes to his daughter that he hopes she won't be afraid to start over if she had to and embrace the change as a new journey. Best of luck to you from all of us! Yeah, even Kestrel (He just gave a single thumb-up like Tom Hardy in Mad Max near the end. Jeez, always gotta be edgy, eh?).



Sara

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I think this is a big issue for most people with DID, because with the trauma of neglect and disorganized attachment, we feel "out of place" from the start and like if we were just different somehow, better in some way, then we would get the love and acceptance we need. It's very easy to feel wrong for just being who we are.

So very much this!

At times I think DID can make it feel like Imposter Syndrome but for everything. Life, friendships, identity, everything.

V2

I failed out of college the first time around, in part because of my then diagnosed DID. BUT... now, I'm back at it. It's difficult at times, but my parts are, for the most part, working cooperatively for school and work. We'll turn 39 this month, and graduate in December.

You can decide to do it, or not. But either way, find your path and believe you can be successful.

Kitten