Introduction

*Note* This is a repost because it was accidentally posted on the wrong forum...oops.

My name is Ciel, and I am a member of the Daniel system. We have some form of either DID/OSDD (the host is reluctant to accept the DID diagnosis they have received at times), and have been in various treatments for several years. Daniel and I generally are co-conscious with each other (or "fused," as we call it), which leads to confusion of whether or not there is amnesia. I have more power than Dan likes to admit because he thinks we are "faking it," although he does admit that we are the two most powerful parts of our system.

Some members of the system and our T are suggesting that I find a new job (besides pulling Dan into day-dreaming and dissociating, which we do most of the day). They think I could be more useful with a recovery-focused role (adulting, coping skills, positive thinking, etc. Basically stuff I don't do). However, I think I'm doing a good job of keeping him safe. We are still physically living in a traumatic house, in a traumatic area, with traumatic people who sometimes visit. Thus, I think I'm doing an excellent job keeping Dan mentally out of his situation.

Is there a point getting a new job if I'm the only one actually keeping him safe?

I don't think trying give someone that fulfills the role of a protector a new role while they are still in an unsafe environment.

I mean maybe if the protection is not effective or if the system no longer needs protection or the protection causes more problems then it fixes giving you a new role would be good. But from what you have said that doesn't apply.

Hello and welcome! As we discourage duplicates in multiple forums, I've locked the other one and directed readers here. This is the one you wanted to post to, correct?

We have lack of a Dx, but like Daniel, we are (in our case, merely 'a possible') OSDD/DID with... the host would say little amnesia, some of the alts might say otherwise . But our two strongest components are often co-conscious also.

Hi, Sam here- the 'main alt'. Like you, I.... well, I consider myself the protector. It's hard, but sometimes, on my own you understand- I get what your T is saying. It's like, well, someone's gotta be the grown up. And if the Host isn't being it, well, one of us has to step up to the plate. Daydreaming really hasn't been my thing to do to him but I do a lot of our destressing, and I'm the one that pulls us into, well I guess you could say daydreams, I'm the one most responsible for us escaping into other worlds. I think? Maybe your T (and the ones in your system that agree, it seems) sees their suggestions as an expansion of that role, building on what you do already. I sometime get the idea our system is pushing me in that direction. Part of it is the host (snaga) wanting to, well, have someone else do unpleasant things for him. But then, if the host can't, isn't that why there's a system in the first place? To cope with things.

Is there another in the system that could take that on? Or, being co-powerful with the host, like tag, you're it? The others have voted you be the one...

Would taking on a new job take away from keeping Dan safe?

Daniel's issue (according to them and T) is that they are nearly constantly daydreaming while being fused with me. And, perhaps, that is my main function. If it weren't for me (and occasionally Lilly) making them day dream, Dan would likely have a mental breakdown from their constant stress. I'm not undermining Dan's abilities to cope; I just have to realistically take into account that Dan/we live in the same house as our abuser used to and that Dan is constantly in a state of panic. It makes more since that, for the time being, Dan isn't capable of living in reality.

I don't always approve of Dan being in therapy. Sometimes I sabotage it by focusing only on myself. Dan doesn't like it, but I don't want to go away. These daydreams are the place(s) where I exist, my world. If Dan doesn't dissociate this way, I don't exist. T doesn't understand this (which is not necessarily her fault, Dan just has a hard time verbalizing this and I am absolutely not risking telling too much information).

Since T doesn't understand how much influence I have over Dan, and my job, she keeps suggesting that I take on new roles to protect Dan and help them/us recover. I just don't think she understands, and I'm worried what would happen if Dan or I told her.

dangdaniel wrote: Dan doesn't like it, but I don't want to go away. These daydreams are the place(s) where I exist, my world. If Dan doesn't dissociate this way, I don't exist. T doesn't understand this (which is not necessarily her fault, Dan just has a hard time verbalizing this and I am absolutely not risking telling too much information).

Ohhhh you ain't kidding!! I don't wish to go away, either. In some ways we're more integrated now that we know about each other, but I am not just ready to be another drop in the ocean. ###$ no. That may be the goal? of successful therapy? I don't know, I've never been in it. But it's not mine. I still feel hurt that we seem to be OSDD. It's like I want my own body and you (host) won't even call me a proper alt? Insult to injury and I've cried about it more than once. I've come to grips with not having, not ever getting to have my own body. but don't ask me to be more than just as cooperative as we need to be to get by, sorry. I'll protect us, I'll be good and not attract too much attention, but ###$ if you think I should just wish myself out of existence.

I totally get that. Still, if you threw them a bone and at least made some little effort. Maybe it would help take the heat off you? Then they wouldn't be on you so much about the daydreaming.

Exactly!!! Thank you. That's exactly how it feels. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to (appear to) comply a little bit. That being said, I agree with you. I want my own body.

Snaga wrote:

dangdaniel wrote: Dan doesn't like it, but I don't want to go away. These daydreams are the place(s) where I exist, my world. If Dan doesn't dissociate this way, I don't exist. T doesn't understand this (which is not necessarily her fault, Dan just has a hard time verbalizing this and I am absolutely not risking telling too much information).

Ohhhh you ain't kidding!! I don't wish to go away, either. In some ways we're more integrated now that we know about each other, but I am not just ready to be another drop in the ocean. ###$ no. That may be the goal? of successful therapy? I don't know, I've never been in it. But it's not mine. I still feel hurt that we seem to be OSDD. It's like I want my own body and you (host) won't even call me a proper alt? Insult to injury and I've cried about it more than once. I've come to grips with not having, not ever getting to have my own body. but don't ask me to be more than just as cooperative as we need to be to get by, sorry. I'll protect us, I'll be good and not attract too much attention, but ###$ if you think I should just wish myself out of existence.

I totally get that. Still, if you threw them a bone and at least made some little effort. Maybe it would help take the heat off you? Then they wouldn't be on you so much about the daydreaming.

Yes!!! This was me. I was resentful and angry and hated Kitten because she was the "born" one. I scared her and she wanted me to go away, tried to make me disappear, tried to lock me in. And I wanted to be in control and have my own life. I came to accept (though still not entirely happy about it) that what I wanted was never going to happen. And she accepted that I wasn't going anywhere. We're still not friends, but we're not trying to hurt each other anymore. Our husband was a BIG factor in helping us through that. I don't want to go anywhere, and I may have been a freak accident, and I didn't ask to be created, but here I am and I'm staying!

dangdaniel wrote:Daniel's issue (according to them and T) is that they are nearly constantly daydreaming while being fused with me. And, perhaps, that is my main function. If it weren't for me (and occasionally Lilly) making them day dream, Dan would likely have a mental breakdown from their constant stress. I'm not undermining Dan's abilities to cope; I just have to realistically take into account that Dan/we live in the same house as our abuser used to and that Dan is constantly in a state of panic. It makes more since that, for the time being, Dan isn't capable of living in reality.

I don't always approve of Dan being in therapy. Sometimes I sabotage it by focusing only on myself. Dan doesn't like it, but I don't want to go away. These daydreams are the place(s) where I exist, my world. If Dan doesn't dissociate this way, I don't exist. T doesn't understand this (which is not necessarily her fault, Dan just has a hard time verbalizing this and I am absolutely not risking telling too much information).

Since T doesn't understand how much influence I have over Dan, and my job, she keeps suggesting that I take on new roles to protect Dan and help them/us recover. I just don't think she understands, and I'm worried what would happen if Dan or I told her.

Hello, Ciel. My name is Delilah. I went through a situation where I felt much like you do. I was (still am, to an extent) the protector, manager, gatekeeper, mother.. etc. When Kitten truly accepted the fact that she was not alone in her head, and I began to openly communicate with her. I showed her some things. I also helped manage the stress to keep us stable for work and school, not to mention parenting.

But as Kitten got better, the husband told me that it was no longer my job to protect and manage the others, that I needed to let them learn how to cope. And the better they got at managing themselves and working as a team, the more dread I began to feel. You see, I was the one who realize who began doing all the research to find out what was wrong with us, and found the explanation of DID. I was the one who did all of the research. And a lot of my research showed that once a part was no longer needed, it integrated, and the goal was to fully integrate.

This terrified me, because while I wanted (and still want) what is best for us, I did not want to become obsolete and go away. I feared that if it was no longer my role to protect and manage, that I would not be needed, and I would be absorbed and no longer be here as I am. And yes, I realize everyone who has integrated says that the parts araen't gone, that they are still there but in a different way. ...But that is not what I wanted. I have been here for roughly 33 years. I was the very first split and became fully self aware when Kitten was around 5 or 6.

Anyway, I had a terrible meltdown, me, the one who is always calm, cool, collected, and in control. When I had finally calmed down enough to talk, I spoke to the husband. And he assured me that I was not going anywhere, that I would always be needed. That my role is just being tweaked, that at this time me trying to be in control of everything was getting in the way of healing and Kitten learning how to cope, and the others learning how to work as a team. My role now was more of a supervisory role. That I would be there when one of them needed me to be in control. He told me it was time for me to learn how to relax That the others could relax because I destressed them, but in doing so I was taking on the stress myself, and it was hurting me and I was getting burned out.

And, well, he was right.

I say all of that to say this... I understand exactly where you are coming from. You will always be needed, but perhaps it is time to revise your role. Does that make sense. Now, ultimately, only YOU and your system TOGETHER can decide if that is true.

What your T's goal for your therapy? And do you agree with it? Here is what I told Britney (one in our system), therapy is for all of us. So by doing therapy for you, you are not sabotaging therapy for the others. Be honest with your T about your concerns. What do the others want out of therapy? Is it a unanimous decision to not integrate? Then tell the T so, that at this point you all just want to learn how to work together as a team, but no one wants to leave.

That is my opinion, based on OUR experience. It was a very difficult decision to allow us to tell our T about the DID. But I am glad we did. Unfortunately we told her right before a month long vacation, so she has not yet actually done therapy with us since finding out about our DID. However, she has experience with DID, and believed us.

I wish you the best of luck.

Delilah

That's a good point, Delilah! I don't mind working with Snaga, but the idea of disappearing is not a nice thought. And yes whoever in your system posted before that, yeah. A lot of resentment. But it's not Snaga's fault. Like them, I've accepted I'll never have what I can't. And while I scared the host at first, they never wanted me gone. Although he used to be more controlling than now, wouldn't let me talk to people here. Erase what I said. We still fight over that but not like we used to. Also we've found places where I can be me and not worry about big bad moderator looking over my shoulder every time I open my mouth. Don't ever be a alt to a mod, it sucks, ha.

And NO Snags, I'm not questioning mod decisions. That doesn't mean I have to like them tho. Yes yes I'll be a good girl.

dangdaniel wrote:We are still physically living in a traumatic house, in a traumatic area, with traumatic people who sometimes visit.

this really stuck out to me.

everything else is a non-issue until that gets fixed. sorry y'all are going through that. hope you can find a way to change it.