*Possible triggers* Help me! Is what I'm seeing DID?

I am new to this forum and I am asking for help in identifying whether or not my partner might be hiding his DID from me.

I recently moved in with my partner of 3 years and in doing so, have noticed some behaviors that I would consider to be out of character for our relationship that have led to me having some trust issues and consequently some pretty significant relationship issues. Part of that is the feeling that he is hiding a lot of things on his phone/computer and more recently, that he might be involved in a romantic relationship, which again seems so very much out of character because we are otherwise so deeply connected, the love and devotion he has for me has been so obvious to me and everyone around us that to see anything different is just an immediate red flag. He tells me that I just didn't see how often he used his phone/computer before and adamantly denies any infidelity. But there is much more to it than that.

The strange thing is that I have him on one of our security cameras going outside one night and clearly having a conversation just out of range of view. There is clearly a woman's voice talking and she says his name. When I showed him the video and asked him to explain it, he looks at me like I'm nuts and tells me that he can't hear any voice. Either he's a really great liar or he genuinely can't hear it and either I'm nuts or I hear something he can't and I don't understand why. He refuses to acknowledge any infidelity, although I have probably 20+ red flags pointing towards it and two other camera recordings where he's talking with someone in ways that clearly indicate to me a romantic relationship.

This led me to start watching his behavior very closely. And that is when I started noticing some things that eventually landed me on this message board asking for help. Here are a few things that I have noted and noticed- either just recently, or remembered from past conversations and/or actions.

* He has a history of depression and was admitted for 2 months in his teens. He tells me he tried to kill himself but won't elaborate on the "why".

* He has told me that both of his sisters have accused his father of sexual abuse. One has completely disowned the family. He also speaks of his mother as being someone who was very hard on him, crotchety, and gave very little love, etc. He says that he has both good and bad memories of his childhood but rarely elaborates on anything bad.

* He has spoken of being "almost" sexually assaulted by a preacher but won't elaborate. For a period of time as an adult he was an extremist Christian and then suddenly one day changed to an atheist.

* He has used the word "trigger" often to explain other people's issues (not his own).

* He has an overwhelming, unhealthy, and very noticeable fear of his children being victims of pedophilia. He is overly cautious to the point of paranoia sometimes.

* He records a lot! Every phone call is recorded. He has thousands and thousands of photographs and videos saved, and his email inbox is in the thousands.

* He can forget something that was told to him within minutes. He sets constant reminders on his phone. Call his dad. Do homework with son. Take out trash. And sometimes he will even set reminders for something that he has to do 10-15 minutes from now.

* He has watched the security cameras on his ex-wife's house to see what kind of boyfriends she is bringing into her home that may potentially be around his children. He tries to analyze them based on clips he sees of them at the door and several times he has mentioned that he wants to be sure they aren't pedophiles.

* Sometimes it just feels like I am talking and/or looking into the eyes of a different man. The way he looks at me is different. His eyes are harder, his mannerisms are different, he seems to be less interested in my feelings or if what he says hurts my feelings which is so completely unlike him.

* Since we have been having relationship problems, when we talk, I have noticed sometimes that he will rub his eyes, his eyes will water or get very red, he will turn his head away from me when this happens or go to the bathroom. He often will start humming a tune and brush his teeth and when he comes out, his demeanor has changed. He might seem refreshed if we were having a particularly difficult talk, for example.

* When discussing our relationship problems, one of the things I have noticed is how he is missing/forgetting the little things that were so special. Again, very much out of character for him- all the way up to just before we moved in together. When I brought this to his attention, he told me that I require a lot of energy and it's exhausting to keep up with me. That just sounded like a strange way of saying "your high maintenance" and I know that DID can be exhausting just to maintain a "normal" appearance to the outside world. And for that matter, he is *always* tired. There is never a time when he isn't tired. He often complains of being exhausted.

* The other day, I was particularly down because of our situation. He was laying beside me in bed and he asked me what was wrong. I looked into his eyes and they just weren't "him"...or at least the "him" I was used to seeing. So I told him that I feel like I am mourning the loss of (insert his name) and staring into the eyes of someone I don't know. He didn't look at me like I was crazy. Instead, he turned his head away from me for a while, and when he turned it back, his eyes were clearly the man I am used to seeing. His facial features were relaxed and his voice and words were what I was used to hearing. It just felt "right" again. And then he said, "I'm right here. (Insert his name) is right here." It was eerie.

* Just after that incident, while we were still lying in bed, his eyes watered, he rubbed them, and then he said something that I found odd but looking back, I'd heard it before. He said, "I really like you." I said, "Well I love you". And he said, "Well, when you love someone you also (have to or can) like them, too." It felt very different than the man I knew, but very sweet with a child-like innocence.

* He calls me different names. Sometimes "my wife", sometimes my birth name, sometimes the name I go by, sometimes a nickname. I never thought anything of it but I'm paying attention now and noticing that there may be a pattern to when he uses these names.

* Often times when I am touching him and I start to near certain areas, he will fall asleep. He may/may not wake up and if he does, he is usually aroused. Also, if we are cuddling with him behind me, he will again often fall asleep, only to wake up aroused, begin something, then fall asleep again, wake up, repeat, several times. I always assumed he was just really tired....

*I have caught him on his phone at all hours of the night. Some mornings, he wakes up and complains about how tired he is and doesn't know why he's so tired.

*He forgets memories that are meaningful. He often will forget about things I have told him.

* After I accused him of having an affair, he insisted that we both go to couples counseling. He said some strange things like, "I don't care how many counselors we have to see and if we have to go 20 or 100 times and go through 10 therapists to get to the bottom of this", and he was extremely anxious to get in to see one. When we went to see the counselor he was very disappointed that we did not get to talk about the camera clip where I heard voices he did not hear. He seems very anxious to be exonerated for the accusation against him and I'm believing more and more that he doesn't hear that woman's voice at all. I haven't listened to the clip with him in front of me and I'm tempted to do this to see if I see any change in his behavior or a possible "switch" take place.


I could go on and on with more but I think these are the main ones that have given me enough pause to consider that maybe he has DID and is hiding it from me.

So the questions that I have are these:

* Do you feel there is a good chance that the things I am seeing in him are symptoms/signs of DID?
* If so, what is the best way for me to approach him about this? What questions do I ask and which do I refrain from asking?
* Is it possible that he (or the part of him that I know/love) is unaware of what's going on? Do I risk damage to our relationship if I confront him with this?
* How might I coax him into therapy to either be tested (if he is unaware or uncertain) or to seek treatment?
* Are there any other "signs" that I can be on the look out for as I try to decipher what's going on?

Thank you so much for your help and I apologize for the length of this post!

Well, I certainly do not know if your partner has DID. That said, it sure sounds like it. Especially that part where you feel you are in bed with a stranger. Your gut is telling you loud and clear that he is not one person. And so many posters before you have come here with the same kinds of symptoms and questions and weeks, months or years later they report to us that sure enough it is DID.

It sounds like he is at least somewhat aware of at least some of his parts, because the stranger did hand off to your partner right in front of you, and your partner was oriented enough to maintain the continuity of your conversation with him/them.

And yes it is entirely possible that he cannot hear a voice in a recording. Technically, this is called either a microamnesia or a negative hallucination. In someone with DID it happens when parts "inside" don't want the part "in front" to know something.

Your partner has a lot of DID coping strategies going on. He must be very stressed out having you living with him. I don't mean that in a negative way; it just takes huge amounts of energy for some parts to stay out front for long periods of time.

Also the regular activity at night, disremembered in the morning, is typical. It is especially typical of those of us who as children were sexually molested at night in our own beds. Many of us have special function parts that are active at night.

Falling asleep in the middle of something very arousing (not necessarily sexually arousing either) is a straight up dissociative symptom. My husband, who does not have DID, used to suddenly fall asleep during intense relationship talks with me. That said, in someone with DID it can also be a switching mechanism.

As for what to do next, my next step would be to try to find an appropriate local therapist to work with him and/or you.

We like long posts here!

Hello, and welcome livefreewithme.

Noone here can diagnose of course, but several of the things you mention are very familiar for us.

Being tired all the time - our previous host was pretty much 'tired' for her entire tenure. She was just always tired, for as long as she could remember, and didn't really know why.

Forgetting stuff within minutes - yeah previous host had that a lot, V1 and I do sometimes as well, but I think it's not as bad for us as it was for her. Maybe I'm fooling myself lol.

Forgetting meaningful stuff - yep lol, super relatable. And sad too, unfortunately.

Constantly making reminders - lol yes. Previous host set up all sorts of routines for making reminders. Handwritten lists, to-do app on the phone, calendar reminders. We have probably a half dozen different reminder lists going at once. It's a good system though, and yeah, without it, we'd be totally lost.

We definitely agree with Una+, nest step is to find a good therapist to work with.

V2

So the start of your post sounds like your paranoid perhaps with good reason. I bring it up because if you don't trust him how can you expect him to be honest with you?

* Do you feel there is a good chance that the things I am seeing in him are symptoms/signs of DID?

As Una+ covered its quite possible but for the sake of playing devil's advocate it could be something else. He could be a singleton and feel the need to hide who he really is for some reason. You have also described hyper vidulance and dissociation so it is likely he has something possibly DID.

* If so, what is the best way for me to approach him about this? What questions do I ask and which do I refrain from asking?

There is no right answer to this. Start gently ask about his childhood I'd he wants to talk or his memory. Something you are sure he is aware of and has spoken of before. Progress or don't depending on how he responds. Be aware of behaviours that may be defensive, being confrontational, dissacociating, over eager to please. People that have experienced past trauma can perceive threat where non exists try not to take it personally.

* Is it possible that he (or the part of him that I know/love) is unaware of what's going on? Do I risk damage to our relationship if I confront him with this?

Yes it is possible he or parts are unaware. And yes if he is in denial he may push you away rather than accept the truth.

* How might I coax him into therapy to either be tested (if he is unaware or uncertain) or to seek treatment?

Cautiously again. A person has to be ready for therapy feeling forced into it can make someone worse and even if someone is eager and willing it can still be very stressful. Also especially with DID many people do not receive the right help from therapy there are so many threads on here about T's not understanding or believing or being misdiagnosed.

* Are there any other "signs" that I can be on the look out for as I try to decipher what's going on?

Research is my best advice here because everything can be a sign. Schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder because they seem to be the most common conditions DID is misdiagnosed as. And also other trauma related things so dissacocation, dissociative disordes, PTSD, CPTSD

I can't tell if someone has something or not based on message in internet wrote by someone else, and even if I was a professional, I could not do diagnose based on that. But if we assume that is the case, here's few point of views as if he has DID, and everything you described was symptoms and not something else:

- I've heard falling in sleep in a stressful situation, is a coping mechanism of a very young child's. It is the only way for them to escape the situation. So there is a possibility, there is someone very young also included in those situations where there should not be any. So for that part of your relationship, I would let him make all the moves, and go along with him, so there will not be any further trauma to those parts who are already traumatized.

- Try to understand that DID is caused by denial. Something is too traumatizing for someone to handle, they suppress it to the point it becomes an other living being separate from them. Or the pieces of mind that are unorganized in every little child, never got the chance to unite as one identity as they should have, but grew apart, because of lack of support AND trauma, so that all the pieces didn't need to be traumatized. Only way to become one, controlled, well functioning system, without walls between parts and memoryloss, is to accept everyone of them and make them part of the decision making. If you put any blame on them, he may try to suppress the others more. They can't be suppressed away. Suppressing is why they are separate in the first place, and doing it over and over again, only makes them more independent and more out of control. You can either be the reason for him to suppress them, or the reason why it is easier for them to accept each other. So keep that in mind with everything you say.

- Every question you make can be made supporting way or accusing way. You can be concerned or accusing when realizing one of them doesn't remember something. They (mostly) can't remember things they were not involved with. Also if he struggles so much with coping in everyday life, he is needing post-it reminders to something happening in 15 minutes, you need to understand that even if it was him then and now, there is way too much for him to handle anyway. They are switching rapidly I ques in their everyday life. Don't be part of the reason why he will have a total break down by being so overwhelmed. You can help instead. If he doesn't remember something meaningful, you can tell him about it. If it is him. If it is not, why would the others remember things they have nothing to do with. And hey, he is also a guy.

- When you realize it is not him who you are dealing with, respect the fact they are not the guy you are having relationship with, they may not be guys at all, or adults, or anyway into you, so let them keep the distance they prefer and respect them as different people.

- Don't assume anything when you are not sure it is the one you got to know first. Like if there is a certain TV-show he is into watching, don't assume others like it too, but ask their opinions. But do these things out of respect towards them, acting natural ways, not for investigation purposes. So don't use the facts you get about them against any of them and make them loose their trust in you. (If they trust you enough in the first place to share their interests with you.)

- About this whole DID thing, I would talk straightly only with the one who are you dating with, not anyone else. (Except if there happens a clear switch when you talk about it, and the other one responds to you. Then it can be someone else's job to take care of it.) So make sure it is him, when you say something about this situation. I feel it is not fair to approach any of the others maybe without him knowing, it would feel like an attack to him. So talk to him, when you have a good chance to do so. Also don't put too much pressure on it. You can tell you have realized there is a lot going on in his life, all the memory loss, tiredness, him being different, everything. And ask if he knows what it is about. You can say you have thought it too, and you feel you are entitled to know and you are ready to know. Or if he does not know, you can help him to get to know, and you are ready to investigate with him. Depending on how he reacts, you can discuss it or just leave him with the thought, without pressure to do anything immediately. Later on it's different, when DID is confirmed or you have his permission. Then you can discuss with the others how they feel about everything, and it's good to do so, but at this point, talk with him first.

- DID is always caused by severe trauma. It means there are a lot of trust issues involved. So don't do anything behind his back. I could give you clues what you could search for to prove it, but it wouldn't be fair, it would make the fragile ones lives even more complicated as they are now, and I am on their side in this. Deal straightly with him. Don't use anyone of the more fragile ones for your own purposes, even if trying to help. Don't mess with his (their) system. EVER. No matter how convenient it would be to turn them against each other. Respect the system he is one part of, don't mess with it.

It is a system, it creates one system when all parts of it are collected together, him and the others. The system you can think is something which would be personality of someone's who is healthy that way. But using the word personality doesn't quite fit to be used instead of the word system, because personality has only one identity. And a system has many identities. And because they work independently, it is possible for someone to get themself between the parts of someones mind, the way it would not be possible with someone with united mind. You need to understand it is NOT a right thing to do. So there are lines not to be crossed. You need to respect them as individuals, who have separate identities, and at the same time you need to realize they are not whole separate persons, they are separate identities inside just one system they can never get rid of. And you need to work with the system, you need to understand you can't just do plans with one of them, but they do decisions as a system. They don't just seem to be in that point with it yet.

- There is somewhere in this forum a thread for the SOs of DID systems. I haven't read it, so I'm not sure what is in it, but you can search for it if there is something helpful in there. At least there are people in the same situation. I think that is valuable thing to have, other people who are experiencing same issues. At least it is so for us (our system) with DID.

- If he wants help or wants to be diagnosed, be sure the person who does that is the kind who is aware of DID and believes in it. Otherwise there is no point in doing that, it can even make things worse to be treated wrong ways. And if it is not DID, the ones who know what it is, can rule it out also. The ones who don't believe in such, can't say anything trustworthy on that subject anyway. They see things how they want to. He sounds to be very stressed out anyway, and because dissociation symptoms are coping mechanisms, it's not a surprise he needs to use dissociation a lot now. So it can explain a lot without it having to be DID, but of course it can be that too. How could I tell, I'm just some kid with sick head.

PlanetIcarus wrote:- If he wants help or wants to be diagnosed, be sure the person who does that is the kind who is aware of DID and believes in it. Otherwise there is no point in doing that, it can even make things worse to be treated wrong ways. And if it is not DID, the ones who know what it is, can rule it out also. The ones who don't believe in such, can't say anything trustworthy on that subject anyway. They see things how they want to. He sounds to be very stressed out anyway, and because dissociation symptoms are coping mechanisms, it's not a surprise he needs to use dissociation a lot now. So it can explain a lot without it having to be DID, but of course it can be that too.

I just want to emphasize what PlanetIcarus said about finding a good T who has experience in DID. Clearly someone who doesn't believe in it would not be helpful, and even well-intentioned Ts who don't have experience can cause a lot of damage.