Outside friendships; how to do that?:)

Efragment wrote:Maybe I'm being confused about 'cherry picking'; how there maybe are situations where this would be concidered healthy?

Here on the DID Forum we often advise friends and SO's to stop "cherry picking." But they are friends and SO's who came here asking for advice. We have no right to tell other people not to cherry-pick. We only get to advise, and only if they first ask us for advice.

I cherry pick my friends. That choice is absolutely my right. They are my friends not my immediate family. Some of my friends have children and I may engage with their children at times but that again is for me to choose. Usually they want more attention than I can possibly give them. Likewise when dealing with another person who has DID I will choose which parts to engage with.

Being too permissive with a DID system can be just as unhealthy as being too permissive with young children. This can get very messy very fast and a "come one, come all" attitude is not appropriate. For example, I know a DID system in which one part pursued me for sex and another part told me directly that if he had sex with anyone but his wife she would divorce him and he absolutely did not want a divorce. Neither part ever asked me what my own wants might be, which I thought was very strange, but at least in that respect all parts were consistent: consistently utterly self absorbed!

Una+ wrote:Here on the DID Forum we often advise friends and SO's to stop "cherry picking." But they are friends and SO's who came here asking for advice. We have no right to tell other people not to cherry-pick. We only get to advise, and only if they first ask us for advice.

Agree. But trying to find out if cherry picking is sometimes ok. Ofcourse it is when 'choosing friends', or dinner or whatever:) Thinking as we speak to draw a line between acquaintances and friends. We can already 'practice' with acquaintances. Very afraid to socialize with anyone right now, and we feel guilty when we do and they think they have a clear picture of us but they don't.

We always felt obligated to be honest about every single 'bad' aspect about us, almost like confessing all the time, and feeling no privacy for ourselves. That had to do with some of the abuse, but also with being misunderstood very often and we didn't want to cause even more confusion. We want to stop that but we also don't want to close the door on everything. It can also ofcourse make people uncomfortable, when we're too open. It's really hard finding a balance. We feel so underdeveloped and 'new to this'. Probably because we are..

Una+ wrote:I cherry pick my friends. That choice is absolutely my right. They are my friends not my immediate family. Some of my friends have children and I may engage with their children at times but that again is for me to choose. Usually they want more attention than I can possibly give them. Likewise when dealing with another person who has DID I will choose which parts to engage with.

Being too permissive with a DID system can be just as unhealthy as being too permissive with young children. This can get very messy very fast and a "come one, come all" attitude is not appropriate. For example, I know a DID system in which one part pursued me for sex and another part told me directly that if he had sex with anyone but his wife she would divorce him and he absolutely did not want a divorce. Neither part ever asked me what my own wants might be, which I thought was very strange, but at least in that respect all parts were consistent: consistently utterly self absorbed!

I think that's a very good point, about being too permissive.

How to approach that in a 'democracy'; we'll debate on that:) Thank you!

..Think I've been doing this 'accept all parts' thing all wrong. Again a feeling of obligation; if I don't 'give everybody freedom of speech', we won't heal. There's a time and a place for everything ofcourse.

This feels like education for a lot of underdeveloped parts (including me) at the same time.

Thanks again, fireheart, BeccaBee, NyxX and Una+!

some things you have to share.

the body, the house, consequences of decisions.

but you don't have to all be friends with the same people. I don't think that would work very well.

and you don't have to tell everybody your business if you don't want to.

[/b]

Hi [/b],

Nice to meet you and yeah, you're right!

Interesting topic.
I have shared with a few people I’m DID. But then that’s about it unless it comes up in the course of conversation which is rare.A couple of times I shared with one friend when I needed a listening ear.

But my friends aren’t my therapist ( like Una said) and generally for us doesn’t feel appropriate to share.
I want friendships to be a mix of conversation and knowing each other and doing fun things. Mutual .
I think sharing more than some generalities would be burdensome and overwhelming to others.

I let go of a friendship with a woman who’s problems dominated our time and energy together. It was exhausting and I grew to dread the interactions .

I get the wanting to be honest and get close as friends -I think like all relationships it unfolds naturally. I too had to share all ( in abusive home)-takes time to reclaim boundaries.

There’s something I want to add because it came out wrong.
It sounded like what I want is a superficial friendship. That’s not accurate.
There are one or two people who are open if I need to talk and share about us but I’m careful not to overstep , not to be the focus or have things be less mutual . I can cry but I don’t go into highly charged emotions . Not sure I’m making sense here...

I want to be known and share but just like if I was going through a divorce it’s not all about me , my problems or issues and I don’t want to be defined by DID per se or want to talk a lot about It.

Just to be friends and let it flow.

I still feel like I’m not saying what I need to say -maybe cause I’m tired.
Anyways-it takes time to build friendships and some are closer than others . Not good or bad, just different.

Hi LadySlippers, thank you for your contribution.

LadySlippers wrote:Interesting topic.
I have shared with a few people I’m DID. But then that’s about it unless it comes up in the course of conversation which is rare.A couple of times I shared with one friend when I needed a listening ear.

But my friends aren’t my therapist ( like Una said) and generally for us doesn’t feel appropriate to share.
I want friendships to be a mix of conversation and knowing each other and doing fun things. Mutual .
I think sharing more than some generalities would be burdensome and overwhelming to others.

Yes. I hear you. On the other hand; what's a good balance there? We are who we are. Hiding that to not be a burdon is sad (and all too familiar?), for us, I think. Because;

LadySlippers wrote:I let go of a friendship with a woman who’s problems dominated our time and energy together. It was exhausting and I grew to dread the interactions .

I don't think any of us would 'complain' a lot, to friends. We're so used to dealing with stuff alone.. The link people here feel with 'looking for a therapist', 'being selfabsorbed' etc feels very sad! I never felt like that about friends when they would open up to me about their past, difficulties, whatever? Why would we (all did-ers) have to, I don't know how to put this, expect something different from friendship? (Think I'm sort of blending with Robin now, sorry if this is confusing compared to earlier posts about this. And you know what; it feels great to just say that!, and to start answering your other post in a minute while knowing that maybe comes from another part as well; it's all good!)

LadySlippers wrote:I get the wanting to be honest and get close as friends -I think like all relationships it unfolds naturally. I too had to share all ( in abusive home)-takes time to reclaim boundaries.

Pooh, it destroys so much, being raised like that. Sorry you had the same experience. I'm glad for the both/all of us that we still want that, despite everything; make friends. Also glad for people who are just fine without. Again; it's all good.

LadySlippers wrote:There’s something I want to add because it came out wrong.
It sounded like what I want is a superficial friendship. That’s not accurate.
There are one or two people who are open if I need to talk and share about us but I’m careful not to overstep , not to be the focus or have things be less mutual . I can cry but I don’t go into highly charged emotions . Not sure I’m making sense here...

Think I understand you. And I'm, again, don't remember what topic that was, but; sorry you doubt yourself so much. I think you don't have to:)

As long as it feels good for you, to for example not share too much emotions? And does it feel good for the right reasons? Your own boundaries or not wanting to be a burdon (too soon)?

LadySlippers wrote:I want to be known and share but just like if I was going through a divorce it’s not all about me , my problems or issues and I don’t want to be defined by DID per se or want to talk a lot about It.

Just to be friends and let it flow.

I still feel like I’m not saying what I need to say -maybe cause I’m tired.
Anyways-it takes time to build friendships and some are closer than others . Not good or bad, just different.

Yeah, it takes time to build true friendships, and it's also good to keep in mind that every friendship is different, yes.

Maybe it's also a culture thing? The 'scenes' where we always were and met friends, are personal, open, alternative/artistic, etc. I can imagine that's not comfortable for every kind of personality.

(The questions came from younger ER's. They never fronted until this period, and we were a bit all over the place again. Thank you all for your thoughtful reply's. This website truelly is something)

Many of us grew up in families of origin with piss poor boundaries. Many of us were not allowed to have any personal boundaries, and we allow others to invade our bodies, our time and attention, our lives, even our psyches.

So an important part of our work in healing is learning to develop and maintain healthy boundaries, neither too porous nor too rigid but rather strong and flexible. There are many books about this, and the DID Forum has many threads about this.

An important concept is that boundaries are personal, individual, idiosyncratic. You may choose to welcome or even invite intense disclosures by other people, but that does not mean other people should equally welcome your intense disclosures to them. Nor are such disclosures necessarily a measure or hallmark of friendship.

What I find helps is to first ask permission to share something. Sometimes it also helps to say what I expect in return: just listen, or advice, or whatever. Often, if you do not say what you expect, the other person may assume. For example, they may assume you expect them to make a disclosure in kind. Also consider the time and place. Some people deliberately choose to make extremely painful disclosures while driving. Other people are horrified by this practice as it contributes to dangerous distracted driving and/or they feel that they are trapped in the vehicle with you.