Outside friendships; how to do that?:)

Hi,

After witnessing friends either run away or take advantage when being honest about this, we really want to start over.

But, how? I'm afraid that if we're honest (and I think we owe that to people who come closer, ánd to ourselves; connection), all kinds of parts would want to be involved, meaning that a) this will be 'a lot' for people who get to know us better, and b) confusing for us, because we always have very different opinions about EVERYTHING, so I'm afraid 'protectors' will maybe sabotage.

How do you handle this?

I don't share multiplicity with almost anyone. Outside of my therapist, there are two people who know. I don't usually share 'who' is out, but sometimes they can tell and especially when it is a little, they are happy to interact. However, I keep tabs on it all the time. I'm not sure why, but the system is very private to me - it feels dangerous to let other people know...

One thing that helps from them knowing is that:
- I can be honest when I don't know something or have no idea what they are talking about;
- I can express different opinions without seeming extremely inconsistent;
- they don't ask why I am 'different' all of a sudden.

So, yes, they know. But even if different parts interact with them, they probably won't know about that. This generally helps friendships in our experience, but perhaps the best thing that we've found is to let a specific part make a specific friend.... In other words, try to have a specific part front while you interact with this person. For me this almost comes naturally, for example, as some part will like someone while I don't.

This is just how we do it, but maybe there will be snippets that will also be useful to you.

Hi fireheart, thanks!

fireheart wrote:I don't share multiplicity with almost anyone. Outside of my therapist, there are two people who know. I don't usually share 'who' is out, but sometimes they can tell and especially when it is a little, they are happy to interact. However, I keep tabs on it all the time. I'm not sure why, but the system is very private to me - it feels dangerous to let other people know...

I'm sorry that feels dangerous, and I sometimes have the same feeling:( Keeping tabs on it means something like controlling it (English is not my first language)? If so, I hope you'll feel more freedom for yourself in the future!

fireheart wrote:One thing that helps from them knowing is that:
- I can be honest when I don't know something or have no idea what they are talking about;
- I can express different opinions without seeming extremely inconsistent;
- they don't ask why I am 'different' all of a sudden.

Exactly. Great you have that with two people and your T.

fireheart wrote:So, yes, they know. But even if different parts interact with them, they probably won't know about that. This generally helps friendships in our experience, but perhaps the best thing that we've found is to let a specific part make a specific friend.... In other words, try to have a specific part front while you interact with this person. For me this almost comes naturally, for example, as some part will like someone while I don't.

This is just how we do it, but maybe there will be snippets that will also be useful to you.

We discovered we only let specific parts front when with our daughter. We feel like we have a million triggers in so many different ways. That can also be part of becoming aware and not quite believing others don't see that happening in us like we do.

Truelly happy for you that this happens naturally, with your system. Great teamwork.

This makes me wonder two things; maybe we should wait until we work together better, or maybe we should accept that our world will be very small if we want to fully connect with people (no 'half way'). Don't know yet, but thanks a lot for this food for thought.

we don't disclose DID.

we will disclose PTSD or panic attacks. or allude to "memory problems from car accident".

what works for us may not work for you. personally- everybody can stay the hell out of my $#%^ AND I have zero time or tolerance for other people's #######4.

so yeah. I'm a hermit and don't give a ###$. give me a cabin in the woods and I'll be good FOREVER.

I know some folks struggle with needing and wanting connection. sometimes I feel like I should care but most people just get on my damn nerves anyway and I'm already dealing with people at work 5 days a week + the kid all the time. I don't need any more interaction. I do like my friends on the forum though.

Some people do friendships in groups or cliques: everyone has to be everyone else's friend too. Others do friendships one-on-one. That's my style: I generally do not know nor want to know all my friends' other friends. And I don't want to spend my time with someone hearing them update me about all the other people in their life.

Similarly, your friends (especially those who are really just acquaintances) may not want to meet and get to know all your parts. These people especially do not want to meet any parts who don't want to be friends with them! Your friends are not your therapist.

Hi BeccaBee and Una+,

Thanks for sharing your personal choices.

I totally understand, we've been there, how being a 'single working mom' is enough on your plate already. We made the mistake to also do a lot around that, and this had all of us exhausted, always.

I don't think that parts are simular to friends of friends. They are all one person, and I don't think that looking for a way to be 'myself' amongst friends (without being too much ) would equal looking for therapy?

Maybe I'm being confused about 'cherry picking'; how there maybe are situations where this would be concidered healthy?

we have our SO who is really compassionate and accepting. He tries to be understanding but with mixed results what happened and how we adapted is sometimes beyond his ability to comprehend. All of my parts know him and interact with him and are attached to him, I'm including parts I suspect I have but am not able to feel or identify. I think we were really lucky to meet him because I would not be able to deal if our positions were reversed.

Other then that we have one person we would call a friend. He knows me and the previous me's and he knows Pixie and Z and we told him we have PTSD which he was fairly accepting of. However because of the vast difference between the 3 of us when he read the below article he decided we are a sociopath because Z has no emotion and Pixie is nothing but emotion and I can't trust people and it states sociopaths exist as a result of childhood trauma. so to him that ticks all the boxes. We are happy to let him continue thinking we are a singleton and he has something that to him explaines everything so he accepts we are inconsistent and just rolls with it

edit: I forgot the link
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psyc ... path%3famp

also I feel like anyone can write anything for psychology today without and research or anything to back up or validate what they are saying

NyxX wrote:
also I feel like anyone can write anything for psychology today without and research or anything to back up or validate what they are saying

Agree. It's a shame how many people educate themselves wrong without knowing that. 'I've read it on wiki so it should be true'. Hmmm, not always:)

I'm very sorry your friend 'categorized' you like that. And I think I understand why you're ok with him seeing you as a singleton. We would be very upset and trying to explain, but that's our problem anyway.

May I ask, how do your SO and you handle it when he can't comprehend?

I don't mind with my friend he is trying to make everything he knows fit together to understand and be a supportive friend. Its me that's not ready to tell him all the pieces.

For my SO he has no personal experience of trauma. The most traumatic thing that has ever happened to him is when I melt down and well my ability to function can be non existent. So its alot of talking and explaining mostly about the now because I never talk about the trauma itself. And he is a very kind and very calm and so he listens to me even when I don't make sense. And at the end of the day he doesn't always need to understand as long as he accepts this is they way it is.

NyxX wrote:I don't mind with my friend he is trying to make everything he knows fit together to understand and be a supportive friend. Its me that's not ready to tell him all the pieces.

That sounds like a very healthy ego.

NyxX wrote:For my SO he has no personal experience of trauma. The most traumatic thing that has ever happened to him is when I melt down and well my ability to function can be non existent. So its alot of talking and explaining mostly about the now because I never talk about the trauma itself. And he is a very kind and very calm and so he listens to me even when I don't make sense. And at the end of the day he doesn't always need to understand as long as he accepts this is they way it is.

This as well:) How nice that you have each other, and thanks for sharing!