Finding a new T

birdsong87 wrote:So I wrote to that agency that is supposed to support us, telling them that we are not doing well and that we need help. their response was: thanks for telling us. let us know how we can help"

I don't know.
I don't have a concept of help.
I have never had help growing up.
I don't even have an idea in my mind how they could help.
we are help-illiterate. Offering us "just let us know" is not working.

Thank you Atsi I feel less stupid for how bad I've been feeling since I last met with the T. I spent the whole session feeling like she was waiting for some sort of signal from me to tell her how to progress or that I might trust her enough to open up.

And I don't know how to trust people. I trust my SO not to maliciously hurt me or intentionally harm me and I sort of trust my friend but I would never rely or depend on him. So I don't even know how to begin trusting the T.

If she is just gonna wait until that somehow happens or until I give her some sort of clue about how to help me she will be waiting forever because it will never happen on its own. And then what is the point. Its absolutely mentally exhausting going to see her and I'm paying to see her with money we don't really have and I'm doing this because I so desperately need and want help. But I have no idea what help would even look like.

NyxX wrote:I spent the whole session feeling like she was waiting for some sort of signal from me to tell her how to progress or that I might trust her enough to open up.

And I don't know how to trust people. I trust my SO not to maliciously hurt me or intentionally harm me and I sort of trust my friend but I would never rely or depend on him. So I don't even know how to begin trusting the T.

If she is just gonna wait until that somehow happens or until I give her some sort of clue about how to help me she will be waiting forever because it will never happen on its own.

As always, the answer is to tell her this and see what she says/does. The clue is this feeling you're having that you need more from her. That you're not just going to open up or trust her without her more actively helping you with that.

Remember, she doesn't know you and can't read your mind. You might think that just by sitting there she somehow knows that it's hard for you to open up, but she does need a signal about how to progress and it just consists of you saying how you feel about what's happening right there in the room. Even "I can't stand that you're just sitting there as if you're waiting for me to do something." Or if you're like me and are too dissociated from your feelings while you're there to know what they are, you can write them down afterwards when you sort them out and bring them the next time.

My T has made a LOT of changes in how he interacts with me based on my feedback. Good Ts want to adapt to what you need, and you don't have to already know. You just need to be willing to try to figure it out with them.

NyxX wrote:And I don't know how to trust people. I trust my SO not to maliciously hurt me or intentionally harm me and I sort of trust my friend but I would never rely or depend on him. So I don't even know how to begin trusting the T.

If she is just gonna wait until that somehow happens or until I give her some sort of clue about how to help me she will be waiting forever because it will never happen on its own. And then what is the point. Its absolutely mentally exhausting going to see her and I'm paying to see her with money we don't really have and I'm doing this because I so desperately need and want help. But I have no idea what help would even look like.

It struck me as I read this that all this happening is the therapy, it's part of the therapeutic process. You never had good reason to trust people much, how could you have learned how to do that given your environment, so this part of your thinking isn't very developed. Of course you would be asking these questions at this exact point in time. Your ability to verbalize them, evident in this thread, will serve you well in therapy with the right kind of therapist.

If you were to tell her most of what you've posted in this threat at least, about how you felt about what happened in session 2, what thoughts and concerns it left you with, that would give her more information on how to work with you, how to help you. Your concerns and feelings, and your communicating them, are part of the therapeutic process. It's still quite early but overall it sounds quite promising.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:My T has made a LOT of changes in how he interacts with me based on my feedback. Good Ts want to adapt to what you need, and you don't have to already know. You just need to be willing to try to figure it out with them.

Thank you for sharing that its really encouraging that your T was willing to adapt to your needs. I don't expect that from people.

NyxX wrote:Thank you for sharing that its really encouraging that your T was willing to adapt to your needs. I don't expect that from people.

I don't either. It's very weird and we often worry that he'll resent it, or get tired of it--one part in particular worries about being a bother, or a chore, or too needy. But that's just more information for the therapeutic process.

I've hardly spent any time telling this T anything about my past--we spend most of each session sorting out my reactions to what he does or says, a lot of which is written in my journal to him during the week (there's almost always something we need to write as soon as we leave the session--usually about how different parts felt while we were there).

This is how relational trauma gets healed.

I agree with everything Johnny-Jack said, too.

Johnny-Jack wrote:It struck me as I read this that all this happening is the therapy, it's part of the therapeutic process. You never had good reason to trust people much, how could you have learned how to do that given your environment, so this part of your thinking isn't very developed. Of course you would be asking these questions at this exact point in time. Your ability to verbalize them, evident in this thread, will serve you well in therapy with the right kind of therapist.

If you were to tell her most of what you've posted in this threat at least, about how you felt about what happened in session 2, what thoughts and concerns it left you with, that would give her more information on how to work with you, how to help you. Your concerns and feelings, and your communicating them, are part of the therapeutic process. It's still quite early but overall it sounds quite promising.

I missed your response when I posted earlier I think maybe because we posted so closely together.

I'm very very bad at verbalisation. I often experience a compulsion not to speak especially if its about something emotional and if I push it I become mute its like my voice gets locked and I lose the ability to make sound. Z will usually switch in instead and does what we think of politician speak, when they answer the question they want to not the one asked or talk around the triggering point and redirect the conversation. Most people don't even realise when she does it.

So usually I end up avoiding saying anything. It often takes me days to tell my SO something and I trust him more then anyone else in the world. So the idea of telling this to the new T is very intimidating for me.

I'm thinking of printing out the part of my post where I explain what I felt and maybe adding a bit or adding questions. I'm not sure yet but that's tomorrow's worry because our printer died and the SO is picking a new one up tomorrow after he finishes work.

I saw the T Wednesday and I'm not really sure if it went well or not yet I think I'll have to wait untill I see her next to know.

For about the first 3/4 of the session she just wasn't getting it and I was getting upset and then my memories of the session get a bit confused because I was finding it hard to stay present.

So at somepoint towards the end she was saying something about establishing a relationship by being supportive and listening and talking as we were doing I'm not sure exactly what she was saying because I was fairly shut down. But Z was obviously paying attention because she just interrupted her and said a really firm "no."

That seemed to shock her a bit and she just sort of stopped and then everything I'd been saying seemed to sink in. And from then it went much better. She asked about how I felt we could establish a relationship and what I thought would be helpful and I couldn't really answer. So she used my SO and friend as examples of me being able to establish positive relationships and asked how I did that.

I don't really remember much about how I did that with the SO I met him through work when I was 16 and I don't really remember much before I left the home I had at 18. But I know I bonded with the friend through shared hobby. So I told her through shared activity and that I am different now to then so I don't think it would happen now.

I think I also mentioned about wanting a plan in the beginning of the session and she asked if I wanted more structure and I told her I like structure.

We ended up going over our time by about 15 mins so we haven't implemented anything but we did decide we would have more structure and that we would do activities to try and bond with. She gave possible examples as discussing films or drawing together.

So between now and when I see her in 2 weeks she asked me to think about what kind of structure I would like.

Also it was absolutely exhausting I slept all night Wednesday then had a 5 hour nap Thursday after work because I was still so bloody tired.

So just left the new T from our 4th session. Today was good we brainstormed strategies for coping and activities to help bond. We talked about how I deal with things and the fact I'm very black and white either or. And that I can be very analytical and approach things as problems to be solved.

We discussed the fact I've been doing a lot of online research the last few months and that some of the information out there is contradictory and not all of it is helpful. She asked where I had been doing my online research and I said first person plural and PODS mainly she seemed happy with that and recommend I go on one of the PODS courses and said they are very informative.

I slipped up and used we and she either didn't notice or didn't press the issue but I think it was not pressing because after that there was more talking about ourselves and parts but DID was never directly mentioned. I think if Z can learn to trust her we might one day be able to talk about it directly.

NyxX wrote:So just left the new T from our 4th session. Today was good we brainstormed strategies for coping and activities to help bond. We talked about how I deal with things and the fact I'm very black and white either or. And that I can be very analytical and approach things as problems to be solved.

We discussed the fact I've been doing a lot of online research the last few months and that some of the information out there is contradictory and not all of it is helpful. She asked where I had been doing my online research and I said first person plural and PODS mainly she seemed happy with that and recommend I go on one of the PODS courses and said they are very informative.

I slipped up and used we and she either didn't notice or didn't press the issue but I think it was not pressing because after that there was more talking about ourselves and parts but DID was never directly mentioned. I think if Z can learn to trust her we might one day be able to talk about it directly.

What are "first person plural" and "PODS?"
Sorry if it's a dumb question.

Kitten

Charities in the UK for trauma dissociation and DID. They have a lot of information online.

https://www.pods-online.org.uk

http://www.firstpersonplural.org.uk

-- Wed Jul 18, 2018 7:46 pm --

I've found the sites really helpful and finding them is how I first learnt about DID.