Disappearing

So I know there are different parts of me. Does anyone have the fear of never coming back, and being someone new and different? I still call them moods, phases, parts of me. I am always afraid of never coming back. I see many people have gotten to know, have names and such for their parts, but I am afraid I will completely lose myself. I started therapy and I am not ready to accept this. And I am afraid. It makes it that much more real. I have too much going on right now to just disappear and maybe never come back. With all the stress that's going on lately, I feel like it could happen at anytime. And I am afraid people might see all of me. I need to keep it together. I art journal. Its very easy and calming to communicate. Writing is a disaster. Its back and forth and very overwhelming. I don't know where to go from here. This has always been a huge fear of mine. Never returning. Does anyone else feel this?

Hello, welcome. Parts of self can disappear for years, even decades, but in my experience it seems to be their own choice. I've never felt afraid of disappearing, but become more disintegrated under stress. Do you have this fear for some reason that relates to your past? It's alright if you're not ready to accept "this" yet. It's great that art journaling works well for you. Some parts of you may be artistic but not able to communicate well in other ways.

I don't know if it relates to my past. The first time I disappeared I was with my boyfriend and had a hard time. He kept trying to show me pictures of my kids and I and I kept telling him that wasn't me and those are not my kids. I don't really remember the event that triggered it. It was frightening. I've never had that happen.

I'm sorry, that is frightening. I can't very well relate to that experience, but I'm glad you're here and that you have a therapist. You're going to be alright.

violets wrote:So I know there are different parts of me. Does anyone have the fear of never coming back, and being someone new and different? I still call them moods, phases, parts of me. I am always afraid of never coming back. I see many people have gotten to know, have names and such for their parts, but I am afraid I will completely lose myself. I started therapy and I am not ready to accept this. And I am afraid. It makes it that much more real. I have too much going on right now to just disappear and maybe never come back. With all the stress that's going on lately, I feel like it could happen at anytime. And I am afraid people might see all of me. I need to keep it together...This has always been a huge fear of mine. Never returning. Does anyone else feel this?

Well, hello, violets, it's nice to see that written because you perfectly describes my thoughts and fears when I contemplated having DID. Disappearing and never coming back. If kept me from engaging and investigating for years unfortunately. But disappearing totally didn't happen. No one had any interest in taking over for good or destroying our collective life. They were generous, respectful, and much needed companions. Okay, a couple were mischievous or sardonic. In fact, shortly after some capable ones returned, I myself did actually want to disappear inside and I tried, but with no success.

I did accept the DID. There was finally a solid explanation for my life. I read over a dozen biographies about people with DID in a short time and no hosts disappeared in them (though can in some systems, for a time) things got better over time. Most stopped losing time. They gained strong, capable allies and helped take off some of the pressure and anxiety.

Thank you! Where do you go from here? It makes me want to hide. Does accepting it make it become more alive and noticeable? My boyfriend had already figured, but I don't want others to see me. I am afraid to acknowledge my parts. I've known I was different. My boyfriend and I would joke about having other personalities. He introduced me to United States of Tara. And would describe me as a lesser version of Tara. Victoria is the only one I recognize. I know something is not right when my boyfriend refers to my side as Victoria. I don't think she likes me very well, she is very angry. What do you do, how do you process? If you acknowledge your parts do they show up more? I'm not ready for them to become more alive.

Hi Violets,

violets wrote:Does accepting it make it become more alive and noticeable? My boyfriend had already figured, but I don't want others to see me. I am afraid to acknowledge my parts...
...What do you do, how do you process? If you acknowledge your parts do they show up more? I'm not ready for them to become more alive.

I'm much newer to this than Johnny-Jack and only started to accept/notice that I had parts with names about a year ago. Before that, I just thought I was moody.

Where you go from here is just to keep trying to increase communication and to remember that the parts are there to help you. That is why they exist. Victoria might be angry because she has been denied and not listened to for so long. I know you said that writing becomes overwhelming, but perhaps you can set a time limit, or let the parts know that you want to know more about them, but need to take it slowly. I did that a lot. Going slowly is VERY important.

I have a part that started out in the journal just making slashes and scribbles of red and writing the word "pain" over and over again. It was really hard for me to let her talk, but once I did, and she was able to tell me how hurt she has been by being shut away by me, she really opened up and now is very active on the Teenagers thread here. And out more in my life, too, but in a very positive and helpful way.

It doesn't necessarily make the parts more noticeable to others, but the idea is for them to become more noticeable to you so you can get to know your system better. It's been there, and working to help you, for years.

Have you talked with your therapist about these fears? They're very common.

Also, read more on this forum--there is a LOT of useful information here!

violets wrote:If you acknowledge your parts do they show up more? I'm not ready for them to become more alive.

For me when I acknowledged them they started communicating and being more present so I'd say yes. But I would already say they were already alive. There is less fighting for control so less blacking (not that we were ever that bad with blacking out) and Nixie doesn't flood our system with fear anymore.

I know its a contradiction but the more we accept everyone the more the more myself I feel and the more happy we feel to exist within our own body. So yes when I'm doing things or thinking thinks the thoughts and opinions of the others are more likely to appear. But because I accept what they are feelings as valid and understand better the difference between what they feel and what I feel, I become less overwhelmed and feel less like I'm going to be consumed by emotions that don't even feel like my own.

Violets, to me they haven't got any more active after we started to recognize each other. It can feel like that, but actually before, we just didn't have a name for what is happening.

For example I found a new group of 12 yo boys about a year ago. But they have been fronting before we found them. I found an old message of ours from another forum we used to go. It was a thread about our appearance and something like that. And Aleksi had wrote there he sometimes gets really insecure. Then he doesn't remember how to breath like others do, it feels he is breathing too much. It's hard to breath just thru his nose, and he has to open his mouth a little. And he tries no-one would notice it, the fact he's breathing wrong way somehow. But it helps if he can touch himself, put a hand on his chest or on his stomach, but he tries to make it look like he's not touching himself, that no-one would notice. But they always do.

That is one of the 12 yos. We just didn't know it was him. That is his problem. When he fronts he concentrates to his breathing a lot, he can't really think much anything else, cause it feels like he doesn't remember how "decent boys" breath. We found him from the inner world and realized he had been here all the time, since we were 12. We just didn't realize who he was here, that he had already even co-fronted with us without us realizing it was someone. The only difference that happened after we got to know it was someone is that he started to blush when we pay attention to him. So nothing drastic.

There was other stuff too. We were accused of flirting with men, and we knew we did not do anything such. But then we found those 12 yos and one of them remembers the very same situations. It was him who did the stuff we didn't notice. He was fronting with us, and we didn't feel his thoughts so we didn't realize the whole picture so to speak, about what our body was doing. We knew only what we thought and did. But the 12 yo was there too. And he knows what he did, and people were right about us. WE were not flirting, but our body was without us realizing it. Because we didn't recognize him yet.

Now that we do know those boys, we can control our body better, and we can understand them, and us, and other real people around us. And we know better what we are doing, when and why. They weren't there any less when we didn't know about them. So it felt first like they suddenly started to exist and be all over, but it's not true. We had wrote about even their thoughts before we knew whose they were. They remembered lot of things we remember too, but differently. Cause they have been here many years.

Sometimes we thought it was just us, and sometimes we just didn't notice them at all. We needed to see them in the inner world first, and after they started communicating, we realized how much they have affected our life, just without a name.

Parts don't start to exist after you find them, only difference is you starting to realize. But it can feel very chaotic for a while. When they all start to talk to you, it can feel like you have gone crazy, but it's not true. You are less crazy you were before, cause now you can start to control it. Getting to know is different thing than something just starting. They are there anyway, if you co-operate with them or don't.

Our life went chaotic when that group of 12 yos were found, but there was a lot going on otherwise too. One really important part, who takes care of daily routines disappeared for a while and our host split into two. It wasn't those boys' fault. And the memories that came with them were the hard part. Not their existence, because it didn't change. Our understanding about our behavior and our past changed. But it had been true all the time when we didn't know.

I really appreciate your responses! Thank you! I feel a lot better, and it makes more sense. ❤