Discovering paterns. TW. Process, MC/RA

Besides whats a skilled programmer to do without a traumatic anti social turning the group thinkers in our favor the original in the system early on. As my journey moves along, I really like to know who got out in front of us without being anti social after about 6years old for us, more than likely..

Dear contentbrace, welcome. We think it's brave of you to talk about this, we recognized earlier that you maybe are a victim of MC. We don't quite understand what you mean, but that's not your fault. We see how your thoughts scramble and we think it's great of the part who gets you on this website to reach out. It's great that you keep on going back to the website for that.

We tried to understand your message; somebody inside knows what you want to know about your system. You can maybe ask the part who wonders about this to explain the questions clearly, and you can ask inside for answers. Also, do you have a (good) T? Are you on any medication?

For what it's worth; you're not antisocial. You wouldn't be a multiple if you were. Possibly antisocial parts aren't antisocial in their structure, but only in behavior that was 'tought' and you can change that.

You can change what's happening inside because of what happened in your childhood. You can stop it. Your insiders know how to stop it. Maybe read this last part a few times so they read it. You have the choice to stop it and to get healthy.

Kind regards and you're always welcome to share your thoughts.

You have the right to do speak your truth and heal .
I went to a DID group for a while when first diagnosed. I brought up cult stuff and a new person didn’t return to group . I felt awful like it was my fault for what I’d shared ( even if I didn’t know if my memory was accurate ).
My T told me I/we have the right to heal. If the new person needed help with the content that was on her to ask .
I wouldn’t worry about it -if too triggery people don’t have to read it or respond . But it’s your right and dare I say need to write it.
My insiders told that T that the cult was the ( birth names ) biggest problem .
Aside from family SA or rather in addition to ...pretty intense. I don’t have lots of communication but I do have bits and pieces of our story . Some things I’ve never forgotten -perhaps because as a little child I didn’t undertake the meaning so didn’t “ have” to forget .

I’ve also felt shame and disbelief.
I’m working more on communication and knowing my parts.

I hope you don't stop posting here either. Your bravery makes the likes of us feel more acceptable. Someone has to speak out don't they because if no one does then we are all silenced. I'm sorry, I really wanted to say something sooner but I've been blocked. That part of our system (The Wall) does that when one of us speaks out too much. A

Dear A from Tortoiseshell, we are happy to read you. Are you (kind of) ok? Making plans to move? We are also happy to read that this topic makes you feel more acceptable. An introject is trying to confince us that we shouldn't feel good because of what you say about bravery. As if it's a cult-like urge to want to have 'followers say that'. Scared again that we manipulated people into saying these kind of things by expressing our ambivalence. But we don't want that. We just want to help and get it off the chest and I'm fighting the 'poison' now by expressing that it's ok to be happy when people respond supportive. New insight, I think; it's also disrespectful to you when I just asume that you don't actually mean this but are manipulated (argh, it's war now, in the brain). So I'm sorry the introject tried to prevent us from connecting with your kind reply!

...

We appreciate getting to know you and please don't force ánything while you're still in your current situation. We fully understand The Wall!

Dear Ladyslippers,

Yes, the right to speak and heal.. we always feel that so strongly for others. We've decided to stick to this topic mostly but to indeed still write here. Also thank you for sharing. I understand how you felt:( ánd I understand your T!!

"Some things I’ve never forgotten -perhaps because as a little child I didn’t undertake the meaning so didn’t “ have” to forget"

Yes.. those shocking moments when you realize how abnormal some things áctually were (we had that with the dog wistle the mother used in plain sight with Bart).

Great that you're working on communication and getting to know each other. And do we understand correctly that you have a good T? If so; wonderful.

Thank you, PlanetIcarus, LadySlippers, Tortoiseshell. We are very happy to meet you and other systems here.

When we decided to stop writing here, we díd however find an inner strength; we felt VERY alone at that moment and this made a powerful 'it's just us now, but we can do this; it's even healthier maybe to search for healing in JUST the system. Depend on nothing but US' surface. And we're still able to not 'delete' what we document in private now. So; progress BUT still sharing with you guys and maybe silent readers, who all have their reasons for being silent; when not engaging in other topics, we can, for some reason, deal with the silence better, we think. We hope nobody feels obligated to respond when we express ambivalent feelings about that. Sometimes stuff blends a lot. Old feelings versus new feelings.

I get the old feelings vs new feelings.
I don’t feel obligated to respond although I did want to offer support .
When I read your writings on this topic I get the feeling of reading someone’s journal / a sorting out of things both private and public ( since you’re sharing) , but have the feeling at times it would almost be intrusive to share as though that’s interupting your flow , your process.

Also , for me/ us you’re much further along in your understanding of this stuff so I feel I have little to share , no real insights ( not a bad thing , just where I am),

Hi LadySlippers, thank you for sharing those thoughts which I understand. I get how it might feel intrusive to 'interrupt' that flow, but it isn't. As far as we're concerned, this topic is for everybody who wants to talk about this!

====

I have a lot of 'free time', and I'm using that for almost nothing else but this. So we're learning real fast. We read a lot, just finished Alison Miller's 'Becoming yourself', and started in 'Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists.' by Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele and Onno van der Hart.

Both books are considered 'top notch' now. We think that's alarming. Alison Miller, in our opinion, got sucked in too much. Which is understandable. She describes being threatened by cults a lot and a lot of her clients came from very extreme environments ***TW*** involving the murders of unregistered children etc.***END OF TW*** She seems to think that every system has the exact same background. That could be very possible where she lives.. cults learning from each other, working together, but with us it was different. And when she started writing about her dreams that predicted stuff, being psychic, etc; we couldn't take her all too seriously anymore, unfortunately. So we just read it for help with communication inside, understanding how MC-ed systems could be built and we'll leave it at that.

The other book everybody is so euphoric about, starts with the advice that clients shouldn't read it without a T. That's very, very strange. Not a single singleton T in this entire world understands DID enough to have developed a good evidence based treatment. Yet, these 'experts' tell us that we can't do anything without them. Nowhere in thankwords and stuff, do they mention how they've learned from multiples themselves, they only 'sweettalk' each other. I wonder if those experts ever heard about 'mansplaining'. I wonder if they think they're guru's.

What worries us is that the clinic where we're going have their treatments based on that exact book that starts with telling us that we're helpless creatures without them and that we have to follow their (very degrading) rules. From one cult to the other, so it seems. We'll have to see if we can even level with them. See what the options are there.

We disagree with all the 'experts' who claim that we can't heal ourselves. That they understand our system better than we do. They don't. That's very obvious. We even think those 'experts' are dangerous for us. Because with that very arrogant point of view, they aren't even interested in what their 'targets' have to say about all of this themselves. Been there, done that, never going there again. It's damaging. And a waste of precious time.

We do, however, need help with the attachmentissues. We can start by building healthy friendships and give ourselves the compassion, care and trust we never got. Love can heal so much.

Peace!:)

Efragment wrote:The other book everybody is so euphoric about, starts with the advice that clients shouldn't read it without a T.

Lol we've read about halfway through that book and must have skipped the starting advice part. FWIW we weren't really doing the excercises as such, I think V1's plan was to read through it once, then start over and do the excercises on the second time through it.

We thought it was pretty good, though we kind of never finished reading it. There were a few times where we'd start a chapter thinking like, "bah, this is all super basic stuff, we don't need this at all." then turn the page and get into the meat of it and be like "ah crap this is really good advice that we didn't know we needed."

And I totally agree with you that we can heal ourselves. Maybe not 100% but like you say, we know us better than they ever will. We live breath eat sleep DID 24/7/365. And yeah, attachment issues are something that needs to be worked on with other people. Someone told me on this forum, you can't learn better relationship skills, without relationships. But a lot of stuff, we can and do figure out on our own, or with help here, or books etc.

V2

Hi V2,

Ha, we had the same plan with the Alison Miller book. Until it became clear that she thinks she has 'special powers'. That also kind of rings the wrong bell... We don't want to feed or 'model' ourselves with the magical or 'grandiosity' thinking of T's who shouldn't be T's (because of that). It's crazy how many T's have those problems! So, yeah, not doing her exercises.

Basics that aren't as 'obvious' for us as we might think; yeah.. I hear you:) It's sad; we never learned it the right way from parents/caretakers.

I wonder why you didn't finish the book? It didn't help enough? Didn't feel right? Our protectors don't even want us to read it (there goes fifty bucks), but those basics, tools to help with dissociation; we'll try to filter out stuff that can help.

And, last but not least; great to read from you that you trust your system. You know you and yours best indeed! And you're very strong. All multiples are incredibly strong. All multiples were able, because of the DID, to contain healthy traits; we can find it and build from there.

We just wrote an email to a T nearby who deals with early childhood trauma. When this crisis started and we didn't know about the DID yet, we had contact with her but she was 'full', couldn't take on new clients. She told us that there would be space again in april, but then we were having a bad time in that place. We had a good feeling about her. She's firm, nice and experienced in different fields we can relate to.

Her website says she's full again, so we asked if there's a waitinglist maybe, and if she treats DID. And if not, if she knows professionals who do. We looked and looked and didn't find anyone within a few hours range and who we can afford. Our insurance would pay for this one, so fingers crossed... fingers very much bigtime crossed. We would love to just forget about the clinic; it doesn't feel right. But up until now; there isn't anything else.

Tonight or tomorrow ER is going to try and 'reanimate' his theory about imagining conversations/situations versus co-awareness of dreaming parts who don't imagine but process in a symbolic way. https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic205238.html We have the feeling we can feel the difference quite well now, which is very reassuring because of the 'mysterious' vibe the dreams have. We also wonder if dreams contribute to 'system building' because when DID is caused, the childbrain still can't see the difference between fiction and reality. And, well, dreams come from 'the subconscious mind', where most of the parts 'live', we think.

But that's up to ER.