Planning and time

T really wants me to keep some sort of log in which everyone writes down our daily activities.

For some reason I DON'T WANT to keep this... But why? I think there's some sort of fear behind this, maybe a fear of breaking the amnesia?

I'm also supposed to come up with a weekly schedule, taking into account everyone's needs. Just thinking about it made me cry! It's so overwhelming!

Any thoughts or comments are welcome. How do you feel about keeping a log? And how about having a clear structure/schedule?

We have a similar problem with journaling we started one and it has one entry and it just sits on the side now in case we ever want to use it. And it is fear it feels similar to when we try to talk about stuff and can't our mind goes blank and the words won't come.


****trigger warning******


I think its because we were fobbiden to tell and had to keep so much secret growing up now sharing with the outside world is scary for us.

Hi fireheart,

We do journalling here, since the day V1 'woke up' and previous host went away. Some days we write more than others. We use old-fashioned pen and paper because we feel it's more 'real' to us, because you have the actual handwriting, and you can't edit or delete so you have the 'real'thoughts not edited.

I know it's not for everyone though. And it was definitely frightening at first, like V1 at first thought there was no amnesia, until finding entries in the journal she didn't write hehe. Now it's like, 6 months later and I think we're all pretty accepting of it.

Like there's an entry in here from last week where I was upset about something from a phone call and I wrote that I wished amnesia would make it go away. Then a few days later someone was like 'well lol nobody knows what the phone call was, so wish granted'. (we frequently review the last few days or last week of writing, just to see what's there. It's very telling sometimes.)

As for a schedule, we do this too, but not like, specific to times. Like it doesn't say "11:00 - 12:00 catch up on PF" or "12:00 - 12:15 clean cat litter". What we do is have a notepad on our desk, we divide into days, and each day we jot down what's important for the day. So there'll be like, housework, work, or going out for a walk / to the swings in the park, or whatever. It's not divided up by part. Just collective, for all of us.

Funny thing is, we've done that sort of scheduling for ever. Like, 8, 10 years or more? Previous host started doing it, because despite being in denial, she needed to have a system to make sure everything got done.

And it's a notepad, so when the week is done, we tear off the sheet and get rid of it. I think she started doing that, so there was no chance she could 'accidentally' look back and see things from last week (or earlier) that she didn't remember. Sort of a defence mechanism, to keep her memory-loss hidden from herself.

Whatever you end up doing, however you end up doing it, I'd say, find something that fits and is comfortable for all of you. Something that you can fit into your regular routine without too much hassle. Cos if it's a pain in the rear, or if it's uncomfortable, you probably won't do it / won't stick with it.

Cheers!

V2

we do have a clear structure (if we don't mess it up because L is too depressed)
its basically:
when to get up
meal times
blog writing time (which will be work or volunteering for others)
when to go to bed
workouts
kids time
and errands sprinkled in when needed.

we have tried to make a schedule that is fixed and thinks of everything and it turned out to be a mistake. if that is what your T is aiming for you can send them a link to this article
https://www.dis-sos.com/balance-didsystemwork/
you can plan for basic self-care and I would recommend it. after that it makes sense to keep a few things in mind but not getting religious about it.

our greatest resistance was kids being afraid of life being too stressful if there is a schedule. if you plan it properly there can be a lot of time for nice things and relaxation.
it is incredibly difficult to keep the system together to follow a plan at first. it took us a while. it really needs advanced cooperation. but it will also increase the sense of safety, as life gets more predictable. especially the littles calm down when we follow a repeating structure. it is worth the struggle.

NyxX wrote:We have a similar problem with journaling we started one and it has one entry and it just sits on the side now in case we ever want to use it. And it is fear it feels similar to when we try to talk about stuff and can't our mind goes blank and the words won't come.

Hi NyxX,
Yes, we have that too! I think your explanation is a plausible one. I know that's part of it for us, too... I'm not sure if it also extends to the planning, but it very well could be the case!

Hi Violet 2,
Is it helpful to you to keep your journal?
I keep a journal that I sometimes share with F, but it's only for us to write in... There is a journal specific for communication that all of us are allowed to write in, but someone hid it a while ago, so now I don't know where it is... I know I'm not too fond of writing in it either (I have NO idea what to say to the others and I want to avoid their feelings), so for me it works. I know that some appreciated it though, so I may try to find it again.
However, that's still different from recording all your activities. Somehow I still really don't want to do that.

VioletFlux wrote:Like there's an entry in here from last week where I was upset about something from a phone call and I wrote that I wished amnesia would make it go away. Then a few days later someone was like 'well lol nobody knows what the phone call was, so wish granted'. (we frequently review the last few days or last week of writing, just to see what's there. It's very telling sometimes.)

This is reassuring to read! Kind of funny, too. So, amnesia can still "work". I can imagine it being helpful to look back. I'm starting to feel like a hypocrite writing this - I say I want to "heal" but then also I want to continue to avoid/dissociate...

Your way of scheduling sounds very similar to how I do it! I keep a diary with appointments and things I have to get done. Everything gets done on time somehow, so it works. But T wants me to come up with a routine, so indeed fixed times of doing things...

Thanks for writing to me.

Hi Asti,
Thanks for sharing! Maybe it is worth pursuing.
Yes, T wants me to keep a schedule with a lot of routines. I think she is less religious about it than the book (Treating trauma-related dissociation) - it gave so many suggestions of what to think of and plan... They are probably meant as suggestions only, but it was so overwhelming to me.
I already keep a routine of:
when to get up
morning routine: shower, breakfast, etc.
when to eat
night routine: go for a walk, clean up, relaxation exercise, sleep
once a week: exercise appointment with a friend.

How are you able to plan things like workouts and kids time?
My life feels so irregular based on the responsibilities I have. Some weeks I have to work basically all the time, other weeks I have almost nothing to do.

The main overwhelming thing is that I'm supposed to take into account everyone's wishes and needs - it feels like that doesn't even fit in a week schedule!

they dont! and you cant. it would need a life for every single one separately to make everyone happy. i think there is a lot to learn in trying to fit it all in.
for us that lesson was that we wont be happy unless we are more integrated. because there is not enough time to make it all fit. no matter how hard you try. so, try, and observe and sense how it feels to be stuck with someone always not getting needs met.

the key is oscillation, or a swinging movement, like a pendulum. you dont to everything all the time. you swing between actions. that way you get the relative balance I spoke about.
trying to plan is a lesson in itself. it also shows you that you need to prioritize. I have a block of time empty in our schedule and we sit down every day to see what is needed and how to spend that time. that could be kids time, could be Annett working out, could be an audiobook and relaxation for all of us. it cannot be decided once and for all, cause every day is different and you needs will be different.
I learned that when the kids were supposed to have their play time but they were inside and not interested to come front that day. baffeling. but they dont move with a schedule easily.

the trauma-related dissociation book is setting a high standard. it shows what "normal" people should do to be healthy. most singletons we know dont keep that up in their life and struggle to fit it all in. it is an ideale. in some places we sometimes get close to it. but even just the depression right now make it impossible to reach. it is important to work toward a high standard. but then you can't judge yourself using that goal.

what I wanted to add is the idea of jars that you are filling up. a jar for every need. and the jar slowly empties over time so you have to keep pouring in regularly. when you try to prioritize you can look at which jar is the emptiest and needs to be filled that day. you can also learn which jar empties faster so that you have to refill it more regularly. it is a learning process.

the place where you have to pay special attention is when you avoid a jar altogether. for a long time our kids play time jar was avoided and always empty because the adults were too scared of losing control and filling it at all. that is what you will have to work on in therapy. and that is what sometimes needs to be planned rigidly because it will simply not happen at all if you dont, because the avoidance wins where there is no plan.
I hope that helps.

yeah, I am lining up with birdsong here.

I think the recording is good. that's data that can be analyzed.

but a schedule for everybody??? hmmmph! I know I don't phase "on schedule". for ###$ sake.

I do agree that you have to share time. but not like a dictator. that doesn't work. and ignoring what one par wants just means they will take that much more when they get a chance. going without for so long.

it's a balancing act and a dance. one that rigid schedules would be the exception for success. not the rule. we definitely do better in the ebb and flow.

birdsong I love your idea of the jars. inside is dancing with joy - singing "no more empty jars". this will work for us. the idea that we will never get full up but no one should be ignored to the point of an empty jar. thank you.

-- Wed May 16, 2018 11:39 am --

meant to say about the log - back when I came out to myself and started to seriously freak the ###$ out - I bought a spiral notebook and made myself write in it 2x day. anything. didn't matter. i just wanted to know if I was multiple or not.

and seeing that evidence. centralized. in chronological order. oh geez. that was awful and hard but it helped get me out of this vicious cycle of denial and amnesia. I say go for it!

Hi! My apologies for such a late reply. I'd written up this long reply last week and then it didn't post for some reason... I haven't had the energy to write it up again until now.

L and Asti, thank you so much for sharing. I already knew the book sets a high standard, but I hadn't quite realized that it means I may need to adjust the way I judge myself. The jar metaphor really made it click... that it doesn't mean that everyone has to be completely happy and cared for all the time. I had a similar problem with the littles, that they wouldn't "listen" to planning. I think I can handle setting a time every day in which we decide what to do. I'm also going to try to plan some time every day for the littles to play if they want (20 minutes), so they don't HAVE to come out, but feel free to do so. Yesterday I bought a soft brush to brush the skin and encourage mindfulness. Tonight the littles pretended to be cats that needed to have their fur brushed.
It is all a matter of balance, indeed.

Beccabee, I've kept a log for the last few days! It's less scary than I thought it would be. However, yesterday and today another part was here and I don't think they knew about the log yet. Oops. Definitely have a way to go as far as communication is concerned! Thank you for encouraging me!

The next step, in the book, is to focus on adding relaxation to your schedule. Another challenge, haha.