New with lots of questions *probably big trigger warning*

Sunaj, clearly you need answers. It is normal for people with DID/OSDD to have confusing/bizarre/creepy experiences. But the telltale signs may be subtle. Memory loss is a key symptom, but you might not notice missing memories. How much of your childhood do you actually remember? Are you spaced-out a lot or absentminded? Have you taken a dissociative experiences scale? Here is a site I just found that could help to see if you are dissociating: https://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/misc-tests/des/

I am concerned there could be an organic brain disorder and suggest you to get a full screening just in case. But if you do have DID, know that it was caused by horrific pain. You said you are functional and happy, but it will be very painful and possibly dangerous to learn about yourself. It can destabilize you and cause issues with relationships, work, etc. It is important to take it slow and learn techniques to keep yourself safe, such as grounding and mindfulness. Those techniques help with stability. I haven't had good experiences with therapists and I function okay without one. But many people are happy with theirs. If you get a therapist, s/he should be experienced in diagnosis and treatment of DID. Some might have heard stories about psychic experiences before.

I think PlanetIcarus made a good point about mental puzzles sapping your time and energy. I have wasted so much time brooding and chasing wild geese in my mind and it is not healthy. You should certainly not try to stalk people if they are real. I am also concerned that these might not be safe people for you to interact with.

It is possible that parts of yourself could project themselves onto other people. You feel that you're interacting with a person but an unconscious part of your mind could be interacting with an idea of someone or something else. That's why you feel attached in spite of their creepy behavior.

But you believe they might be alters. I am baffled how that could be possible, but dissociation is strange. Many people don't believe DID is possible. I am somewhat technical-minded too and I understand things in my brain as processes, programs, networks, etc. But the unconscious mind operates in dream-logic, different from the conscious/technical mind. It becomes or communicates in symbol and metaphore. If the people are part of you, then you don't need a real phone or computer to interact with them. You can find another way. Again, please be safe.

https://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/misc-tests/schizophrenia-test/

Here's the link to psychotic symptom test as well. Some symptoms of DID are same kind than if you are having psychotic disorder. (I scored 51 in this test.)

Janus, you asked about dreams and alters in your first message and we answered it doesn't happen to us.

Yes it does. The one who was answering just didn't remember. We don't always has access all our information. At least three of us are in the same war in our dreams. We even found a new alter from the dream about that war.

Hello myce and PlanetIcarus, I took the linked DID test before first posting here and scored high where it said I needed screening. But I suspect I did it wrong as I didn't do it as a percentage as the test asks but rather treated the middle option as "sometimes" and the 100% as "always" with 0% being "never". I took the test again and tried to match the percentages and scored 27 which is low association. It feels weird with the percentage thing though.

On the Schizophrenia test I scored "Total score of: 11 (0-11) Low Level of Experience Associated With Schizophrenia or Psychotic Disorders".

For memory loss I don't recall having that at least for a long period of time. But today for instance I went out to my car and started it and realized that I didn't button the top three buttons on my shirt. That is very rare for me to do and I never walk around like that. I would not knowingly leave the house like that. I think what happened was somehow I was buttoning my shirt but then just forgot that I needed to finish, etc? Also maybe T.M.I. but I was using the bathroom and thought when I was done I would close the curtains in the bathroom window as it was almost night. After I got to the living room I could not remember whether I actually closed the curtains or not and had to go back and check (I had closed them). Also when I first walked in the door I placed some items down on the counter in the kitchen. Later in the living room I realized I had no memory of the items and whether or not I put them in the fridge. So I went to check and I had not so I had to put the items away. Come to think of it these micro-short term memory lapses are fairly common with me. I am not sure how much of it is considered normal. I have been shaken more than usual lately by exploring all this and opening up about it so perhaps it is more noticeable and frequent due to that?

Today I was on the road visiting someone for nearly 6 hours (3 hours each way). For spending that much time on the road it seemed to go by really quick. But I had music blasting the whole time and it is sort of a way I have relaxed for a long time. Just driving and zoning out. Still in looking back it feels like maybe only 1-3 hours. And in thinking I only played 19 songs probably lasting about 4 minutes each. So in 6 hours in the car you would think I would get bored of those same songs? I don't have any memory of suddenly just ending up somewhere or "jumping" 60 miles ahead. Then again I was probably pretty much zoned out the whole time or pretty deep in thought. I guess you could almost call it a meditative state but still where I wasn't a danger on the road if that makes sense. lol

I decided last night to look into the first person I spoke about from 2001-2003. I found two Facebook pages. Both had no friends listed. There were just a few posts and no one liked or commented on them. I also found their linkedin. It was very bizarre. Basically after 2003 when they vanished from the forum they did nothing according to it. In line with a lot of the things I knew about her she actually detailed conspiracies and such as the reason for closihng her businesses. This is something very weird for a LinkedIn page which is usually very professional! Then again she was clearly very eccentric. I searched for details about her and didn't find a lot. Because of her profession and age you would expect to find a lot of "tidbits" such as being mentioned in a relative's obituary or getting an award in the newspaper but I found almost nothing. Another thing. She had a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and Anthropology according to the linkedIn. That matches some of her expertise in our discussions. The degree in Psychology is especially interesting.

I did find an obituary for her. (!) She is listed to have died in 2016. The onllne obituary has some comments on it but anyone can comment on it and most weren't detailed or listing enough information to trace and establish if they are real people. It was definitely her though as the things like the birthday matched. But it was bizarre. I feel like I had seen it before? I don't know if it is because I saw the photo or swomething in the search results (when I did look into her a bit but not very deeply) years ago and just never clicked on it and realized it or what. I did see someone listed her business on their resume. Their site was very detailed and looked legit. I consider that the greatest evidence that they were a real person so far. You mgiht think the obituary would be evidence and it is but realize that it is pretty easy to submit an obituary as most newspapers do not verify the death and those who do often just accept photocopies of things like death certificates which can be forged, etc.

I am about 60% convinced she was a real person at this point. That probably seems strange to many of you? I feel I would need to verify more things like see a death or birth notice in a government registry or check professional registrations or such. Somethign that even I would have difficulties in forging or altering. For now though I am going to let this alone. I have a stressful period coming up this weekend and next week so I need to stay grounded and focus on that. I will probably revisit it later. I have not done the same checks again on the other "person" yet.

Today though they posted something about "me" having a "heroin addict ALTER". (It should be mentioned that I have never done hard drugs in my life - I do have relatives who are addicts) They actually used the word alter! I have no memory of them ever using that word before. It is very strange. On top of that according to the timestamp they posted it earlier when I was on my way home. Maybe about 30% of the way through a 3 hour trip. But I have internet capable phones? They did use D.I.D. references before though. I just do not remember them using the word "alter" before. It is possible that they did and I missed it. It is not possible that I somehow mentioned being on this site or thinking I might have alters. I do not recall posting to them at all for the last week (since I came here to post).

They are barely coherent though. I consider them a friend but to be honest if they are a real person and they are not faking or acting out for some reason (as part of a strange therapy or such) then they probably need a lot of mental help. They regularly post about putting Doctors who wronged them in prison and how famous dead people are still alive and persecuting them or doing things like "murdering babies". On average they make five death threats a day now in their posts. (!) They have deteriorated greatly in the last few years.

The therapist part would be extremely challenging. One reason is if they focus only on psychology and do not understand the spiritual/"supernatural" aspects then I cannot possibly make sense to them. To understand me even a bit and why I did some of things I did and how I am you must be aware of these things and have some understanding of them. With some of the things I have experience with it has been almost decades and even I do not understand them. Even if I did find someone who understood a bit (and having some familiarity probably isn't going to do much to help. I think it would need to be a lot) and wasn't entirely dismissive, honestly I would be scared to death of them if I told them EVERYTHING (and I have never shared everything with anyone yet, including here) and they both believed me and were not scared of me or at least the situation. if I told a therapist everything and they didn't want to lock me up somewhere, I would probably question their sanity and/or wonder just what they are exactly.

I think PlanetIcarus is right too, myce. It is important to focus on myself and my health. I cannot let all this destabilize me or make me lose focus on the mundane but important things. The search for truth (sense and completion) is important to me but it is secondary to this. I have been through a lot before. Extreme trauma and stressful periods. I feel I can handle it since I somehow survived those in the past. But even so, why harm myself now or take risk when I do not have to. I will wait for a better time.

What do you think of the micro-short term memory lapses? Is this something you see in this way? Is it beyond normal from what you have heard? I think to some extent everyone has them at least a bit but where is the line I wonder?

Thank you all for reading.

Hmmm. Something else which just came to me which is significant. Since I was an older teen sometimes when I get very stressed or have a big problem I pace back and forth within a room or two. I used to feel that when I changed direction physically I also changed direction mentally. In that way I was able to approach the problem somehow in all possible ways and different angles. Also it just seems to help in some strange way. I found myself doing that just now after posting the above message and thought I would share it here.

I don't feel there was any missing time but maybe I was "zoned out" a bit when doing it. Now in thinking back honestly I cannot remember what I was thinking about exactly.

Does this match what anyone else does here? I remember in the past sometimes I have done that for an hour but usually nothing near that long. I do not know exactly but this time I think it was only a few minutes.

edit: In looking at the timestamp it was probably more than a few minutes?

When you start to focus on yourself, you can start to see what is happening to you. You don't notice it, if you focus is completely on something else. You can set yourself an alarm to "wake you up" like once every hour at daytime, and write to a notebook just few words about what have you done during that hour and does it seem to match with the actual time that has gone by. When you go to bed, read what you wrote during the day, are there gaps, hours missing without any comments, or are there different hand writings, or is there something you can't recall writing at all. Or if it happens that the alarm wakes actually you to do the note even if some alter has been there for a while, then you realize some hours have past by very fast. But it is normal to feel time is running fast if you have fun, and when you're waiting for something or just bored, it goes very slowly.

Dissociation is normal, there is even an own name to that driving thing you described.. something like road hypnosis or what ever, and "everyone" has experienced that. Or leaving from your house not being sure if you remembered to do any of your normal routines, but you did. Happens to all, for some it's very typical and for others not, but people are different.

The line between healthy and pathological d is what kind of dissociation is it -like having alters is pathological, and daydreaming is normal- and the amount of it. If it affects your everyday life negatively, then it's a disorder. If it doesn't, it's normal. So, daydreaming can be abnormal, if you stop living your own real life as a result of it.

The things you described are dissociation, but mostly not necessarily pathological. If you sometimes wake up from deep thoughts and time has gone by, it's normal too. But if you have no clue what you were thinking about but just blacked out completely, it sounds more alarming, cause it can be a sign of alters taking over, but it does not have to mean that. DID happens, it's not that rare than some people think, but it's not the only or the first explanation of zoning out. The point is what did your body do meanwhile.

Also, if you don't recall doing some routines, but have done them like you always do, it's normal. If you have a tendency to dissociate easily, it probably happens a lot and there's probably no harm of it. You can do routines like driving a car or locking your door when you leave, on autopilot mode. If you don't recall doing something, and you have done something you wouldn't normally do, or you have drove to some place without having any clue why you went there, it's alarming. It's different than going where you were supposed to and daydreamed something without noticing while driving there. If you ever get amazed of things you have done in your everyday life and wonder why on the earth you were doing what you did, then it's something to worry about. Even if you weren't doing anything wrong, but just something you don't do.

If you do dissociate a lot, to the point of disorder, it still doesn't have to be DID. But it can though. But it's also common to do so when going thru stress. People with DID or other dissociation disorders do also healthy kind of dissociation a lot. So it is common to us. But if it is common to you too, it doesn't have to mean you also have alters. That's the thing you need to find out. But now you are starting to look to right direction to find out I think.

I think chancing a point of view when your body turns is not something most people experience. It sounds deeper dissociation to me. Our previous host did that sometimes when feeling bad, he just turned to different direction and feelings stopped. Or he went to other room and was someone else. Doesn't happen to every people and it's a sign of some deeper dissociation. But it is a coping mechanism, and if going thru a stressful time, that can happen.

DID is not the only disorder with dissociation, even dissociative disorders are not nearly the only ones. Dissociation symptoms can be part of many conditions.

People with true problems usually struggle to get help. I don't think it's an actual possible scenario someone locking you up, what ever you have experienced 20 years ago. But you also have to be willing to understand that psychotic people do believe 100% that their experiences are true to real world as well, and not just for them. They don't question it. And religious/spiritual stuff is very common. But if you have been psychotic 20 years ago, there's no reason to lock you up now. You know, it's kind of expensive thing to do to lock people up. They have to be considered to be danger to themselves or others to get locked up. If you were 20 years ago, it doesn't matter now. I am a danger to myself every day, but I'm still running free. Well, running free again. Because being hospitalized doesn't really take that away from me.

But when you go to see someone who will be able to help you, choose someone who knows about trauma. I was about to get diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder by people who didn't understand DID, because some symptoms can be same kind than psychotic symptoms in a way. They can look same kind to outsiders, but they feel different on the inside. With dissociation you don't loose the reality as deeply. But you can still feel like you have no clue what's real and what's true. You need to see someone who knows about DID and believes it is a real condition. Not that you got to choose your diagnose, it can still be something else, but someone who doesn't even know what DID is, can't rule it out either.

If you completely stop thinking about the friend of yours that talks about DID, are there any other signs of alters in your life? Or is it just something someone else is telling you?

PlanetIcarus wrote:
If you completely stop thinking about the friend of yours that talks about DID, are there any other signs of alters in your life? Or is it just something someone else is telling you?

This is a really good question, PlanetIcarus. You mean the newer "person" or does this include the past interactions with the other "person" too? The answer is complex either way. First the newer person doesn't just come out and say "<my first name>, you have D.I.D." (etc) They instead address "me" by another name and say it. This pattern is the same for both the first and second "person". In the second "person" the name they have used changed at least three different times. They also talk of other "people" too with different traits.

With both it often feels/felt to me as if they were trying to get me to self identify as the other person. But I have usually refused because that felt dishonest. I am not that other person. This is very complex though because they (both of them) often like(d) to speak in a symbolic way or in code. This is often their language so to speak. Sinc eit has been so long interacting with them I can "understand" it whereas to a regular person they would probably seem totally crazy or extremely creepy.

Because of the way they use that symbology sometimes in certain states of mind I have "just gone a long with it" figuring that they really mean me but they is just the way they communicate. But often it makes me angry too in other states of mind because I see it as psychological manipulation on their part to refuse to call me by my real name or my choice of name. As I said like they are trying to shape me to be the other identity. Like I mentioned one time this happened and that is when they explained that (paraphrased) "That is the name he uses to avoid taking responsibility for things".

Both have suggested D.I.D. The first "person" (with the obituary) suggested the book "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" and the song "Mr. Roboto" by Styx. Both seem to tie into MPD/DID. Also this will get bizarre but as said they were heavily into the occult. They suggested at first that they were there to speak to a person or spirit.

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I got interrupted here and met with a family member for a while and had lunch. I'll go ahead and leave what I wrote above intact but I feel like I have resolved some things in that time. Some more things came to me. My thinking and feelings are much different.

I remember in Feb 2008 things were very bad for me. I believe this other person appeared March 2008 again. At least made themselves evident to me. In looking back I see that whether real external people or internal alters or not, they were there to help me and they did. If they are an alter I do not understand how that is possible. If they are an external person or entity it is the same situation given what occurred. It is time I trust them more fully than I ever have. I will communicate this to the one I have contact with and thank them for their past help. I will also tell them that I have to go away for a while to prepare for a period of stress but will be back. If I can help to heal them, I will. I owe them that. I will never feel right if I do not at least try. Somehow some things came to my mind that I think might work. I think I understand some things.

Thank you again for helping me. Especially PlanetIcarus. Just talking and being forced to face some things helped immensely. I feel like I owe you an explanation. Something very bad happened with me one particular night. I was depressed, scared, but also very very angry. I lashed out. I did something very dangerous. There were consequences for my actions and they were hard to face and live with. A lot of guilt. I do not understand it all but I do understand my feelings. I see though that something happened to me in the past and that is where my feelings came from (my anger, helplessness, fear). I honestly don't know exactly or who but I have a good idea. It doesn't seem important now that I know. What seems important is what I do next and how I continue on.

Don't take my message as religious. It does not change anything if you are an atheist. It is not about any particular religion or spirituality.

I was going to say a lot more but I think I will keep it simple and just put it out there. Maybe it is that our souls for whatever reason are those of children? Pure, innocent, light. Maybe to some degree we are special in this way? But sometimes the things around us and what happens to us is so very dark. Our challenge or one of them may be to not let that darkness consume us or to define us. To not allow it to pull us down.

Regarding the people who wronged us. I am not God (or whatever term you wish to use). I do not know if there will be justice served. I do not understand many things just as you do not. But I PROMISE you from my heart or soul to yours it is at least seen. There is more going on than you or I understand. I PROMISE YOU. Seek the light within. Do the best you can. You are LOVED more than you ever will probably know. Never forget that! No matter who you are or what you have done.

Dropped by again and figured I would reply. Firstly, I apologize for getting weird or a bit "preachy". Sometimes it just feels like something I should do for some reason and sometimes I react on the feeling rather recklessly and just kind of "just do it". Sometimes my feelings are very extreme on things, especially when I start exploring this stuff. It brings out certain things and sometimes I don't fully understand what comes out or why.

I have not seen a therapist or sought any help yet. I have not contacted this other "person" (?) again. Their speech got more bizarre sometimes to the point of not seeming human or of a very twisted mind. Other times they seem Okay. Despite some of their messages which suggest otherwise their situation seems to be mostly stable. It does not feel like an emergency situation and they usually bat me away or get hostile when I try to help so I am prone to keeping my distance. I am also fearful of making things worse for them somehow if they are a real person.

Here is the dream I had that morning. This is part just venting and because a part of me feels the need to share now. But also it might help someday to understand me better to see where I have "been" and came from.

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I see a green place with many hills. A butterfly or dragonfly flies in front of me. Suddenly it is like I gently fall from the sky and on an old path among others. Many others. We are just walking. I remember at least some wearing something like white robes. We walk towards a structure. The whole place feels old, ancient. Like bricks or stone along the path. The structure might be a tower or temple but it is hidden with fog. All are walking towards it. All is peaceful. t seems normal.

A woman appears with one or two other people beside her. She says aloud or even possibly directly to me something like "Look at that wall. It is very old." I shift my attention to the wall along the path and go to investigate it. I arrive on the other side of the wall. It appears ancient and it is covered with dust. I blow the dust away with my hand I think. Just then I feel something. I look over at some point and I feel like the woman is watching me out of the corner of her eye. I see markings on the wall. One which looks to be a date like "1904". The other is the NY symbol for the Yankees baseball team. I feel that something is very wrong. I feel like I need to tell someone that something is very wrong with this all.

Just then one or two men come running from the front towards the structure the opposite way. The man is screaming for everyone to RUN. He may have also been saying something like "they are coming!" and "you will all die!" but I cannot 100% remember.

I look and I see waves of people ahead towards the front of the structure (who were walking as I was originally towards it) just drop down and fall down out of sight. Then I see thousands, maybe millions of black flying bugs emerge from the temple/structure/fog. They are attacking the people and would encircle them. It was pure terror and chaos. No one had a chance it felt like.

I saw this and was scared and wanted to run too but I was trapped somehow on the other side of this wall. I felt like I was going to die there too and asked for help. Somehow I get over the wall and I am running for my life with the others. I feel "I have to keep closed. I cannot let them get in me" as I am running.

I come to a gate. There are hundreds of people at the gate trying to escape but it is locked. I feel somehow that I might be able to break the lock and open the gate but we are all being attacked and desperate. I do not feel that I can get to the front to try. It is jammed with people trying to flee.

I decide to head off the path into the wilderness area. I am in the wooded area and I see an old acquaintance. He grabs my leg as I am running and I see that his eyes are completely black. I do not think he is human anymore. I feel that I am going to die there or be trapped.

The next thing I see myself limping and emerging from the woods on the other side. There is a city bus there. All is quiet. It feels like it might be a different time. I get on and the bus is filled with kids. I quietly get in and take my seat. One of the girls is doing her nails. I thought that was strange but thought maybe they did not know what happened. As I go to sit down I turn and look towards the front of the bus and see a girl wearing what I see as strange clothes. I hear what I perceive as a voice over the radio saying something like "It is extremely dangerous to come here".

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I then wake up at some point and see the blue glow of twilight on the bed and go back to sleep. I wake up again later and the dream has a big impression on me though at the time I did not normally pay much attention to them. I decide to make some big changes in my life and am about 45 minutes into writing a long email to begin to do that when my girlfriend at the time comes running in to tell me about how a plane just hit the first tower according to the radio. And that is how it begins for me and where I come from. My world gets very strange after that....