New with lots of questions *probably big trigger warning*

Hello everyone. I am new here but have been reading off and on for a while. Please forgive the lack of my sharing much of a story. I am refraining from doing that for multiple reasons including that I feel it would be way too long and it would be pretty scary I think in many ways for people. Others would probably not believe me. So I am holding back for now and I hope you understand and can forgive this.

I have a lot of questions though and would appreciate it if people with DID would answer in relation to their own experiences if you can help. Basically I score really high on the slef help DID tests. I have never seen a mental health professional. I have had some very extraordinary experiences in my life (over the course of nearly two decades) and I am exploring DID as a possible explanation to all or some of them. Some of the terminology I use might be a little off due to lack of experience in talking (writing) about it. Please excuse that if so and feel free to correct me.

1. In regards to hearing voices is it possible that this may happen only at certain times, primarily around extreme events or stress? IOW not be a regularly occuring thing and be extremely rare. Maybe to the point where it is only once or twice a decade.

2. Does the existence of the alters sometimes manifest in your dreams or appear as characters within them?

3. Can certain alters sometimes use dreams as a way of communicating, controlling, or asking questions from you?

4. For the alters can they be radically different than you and seem to live lives far away from you and in ways which are radically different?

5. Is it possible to completely hide the DID from the people around you so that they are unaware?

6. How do they communicate with you? Is it unheard of for them to use something like email, forum posts, or somehow to actually be able to speak with you by telephone?

7. Is it possible for strong alters to be able to manipulate your memories? To make you think things which have happened which have not. To make you forget certain things, etc.

8. How common is it for alters to intervene in things non-consentually? i.e. if something really bad happens or is threatened to basically try to do something to trick or otherwise the host to do something.

9. How elaborate can the existance of the alters be? I mean can they really think they are living separate lives to the point where they have a large online precence and talk daily about the things which happen to them -- totally alien from the life of the host? For years?

10. Is there a correlation with a sudden jerking -- like a feeling that you have been hit with electricity for a split second (but no pain) or that suddenly your body has "jumped" position slightly? What about other things like ear popping? Does this signify "switching" or something like this?

Thank you for any answers you can give and for reading this far. I appreciate you doing so.

Sunaj wrote:Hello everyone. I am new here but have been reading off and on for a while. Please forgive the lack of my sharing much of a story. I am refraining from doing that for multiple reasons including that I feel it would be way too long and it would be pretty scary I think in many ways for people. Others would probably not believe me. So I am holding back for now and I hope you understand and can forgive this.

I have a lot of questions though and would appreciate it if people with DID would answer in relation to their own experiences if you can help. Basically I score really high on the slef help DID tests. I have never seen a mental health professional. I have had some very extraordinary experiences in my life (over the course of nearly two decades) and I am exploring DID as a possible explanation to all or some of them. Some of the terminology I use might be a little off due to lack of experience in talking (writing) about it. Please excuse that if so and feel free to correct me.

1. In regards to hearing voices is it possible that this may happen only at certain times, primarily around extreme events or stress? IOW not be a regularly occuring thing and be extremely rare. Maybe to the point where it is only once or twice a decade.

2. Does the existence of the alters sometimes manifest in your dreams or appear as characters within them?

3. Can certain alters sometimes use dreams as a way of communicating, controlling, or asking questions from you?

4. For the alters can they be radically different than you and seem to live lives far away from you and in ways which are radically different?

5. Is it possible to completely hide the DID from the people around you so that they are unaware?

6. How do they communicate with you? Is it unheard of for them to use something like email, forum posts, or somehow to actually be able to speak with you by telephone?

7. Is it possible for strong alters to be able to manipulate your memories? To make you think things which have happened which have not. To make you forget certain things, etc.

8. How common is it for alters to intervene in things non-consentually? i.e. if something really bad happens or is threatened to basically try to do something to trick or otherwise the host to do something.

9. How elaborate can the existance of the alters be? I mean can they really think they are living separate lives to the point where they have a large online precence and talk daily about the things which happen to them -- totally alien from the life of the host? For years?

10. Is there a correlation with a sudden jerking -- like a feeling that you have been hit with electricity for a split second (but no pain) or that suddenly your body has "jumped" position slightly? What about other things like ear popping? Does this signify "switching" or something like this?

Thank you for any answers you can give and for reading this far. I appreciate you doing so.

Hi! You have no obligation to tell anything about yourself you don't want to. So don't worry.

I'm just some teen age guy with DID, so I'm not anywhere near being professional. I live with this condition and I've hang out in trauma related forums for about a year and half, so that is what I base my information on. ALL info in these kind of forums may not be truthful, as it is all written without anyone checking the actual facts, so I do not take any responsibility if I've understood something wrong or it has been told me incorrectly in the first place. So, this is just a point of view of mine.

1. Yes, I think it is possible. DID is always caused by an early childhood trauma. But for many people it's symptoms fully occur later on life, usually after some stressful period in life. But it is also common to have had all kind of symptoms all your life, without knowing those are symptoms. We don't see inside other peoples head to figure out how are they thinking, so many do not know it's not normal to constantly have conversations going on in ones head. It is more common to hear voices when having DID than it is with schizophrenia. But it doesn't mean every one is having them, at least when you are still just starting to understand what's going on and have no co-operation with your parts.

2. and 3. These dream things I'm not so sure of, (doesn't happen to me that I'm aware of). Some other people in here have more information about this, and there were few topics about this not so long ago. So just go searching the history. A lot of DID things happen subconsciously and that's where dreams also come from, so it is a possibility.

4. Yes they can. I'm currently living in Finland but one my parts is in Saudi Arabia (in the inner world of course. Our body is not traveling back and forth to there). He also has his own planet, but I don't have any access to it. Alters don't even have to be human, they can be anything, and live where ever, even in an other universe. So some other city or country is not uncommon.

Some people with DID can actually even have two totally separate real life lives, like two families etc, but that is not very common.

5. I don't know. I think it would be hard to hide it from your own family, but if you don't have such it's more possible I ques. But people don't recognize DID easily, because they usually don't know anything about it, so it doesn't come to their mind, even when they see symptoms of it. Even professionals misdiagnose it all the time, so that way it can hide. But having no symptoms is different than symptoms not understood. So I don't know. I can't hide mine, mostly because one of my most active alters is 4 years old and he is not very shy. So people do notice him.

6. E-mails and all kind of notes are common ways to communicate, if you are not able to talk to each others inside your head. Phone calls sounds weird to me, there would need to be very rapid switches without you noticing it, or the kind of voice hallucinations, that are more common in psychotic disorders I ques ? ? DID voices are usually internal, so you know others can't hear them and they are happening inside your own head. That's why it's VERY common to question is it real at all or are you just making it up, so it's different than hearing voices psychotic ways. Psychotic people more commonly hear the voice coming from some outside source, for example thinking TV is talking to them, or there's voices coming from air conditioning duct etc, and they don't question are those voices real or not, they would assert they are.

7. Well, using the word "manipulate" sounds wrong to me. They can hold traumatic memories inside them, that you are not unaware of, but they do it because that's their "job". They experienced those traumas for you and they hold the memories and traumatic feelings, so you didn't need to and therefor you were able to function and continue life as normal as possible.

I have one part who doesn't know the difference between his own thoughts and fears and reality. So he is traumatized by things that has happened only in his own mind, and it affects him like it has actually happened. But I can still tell the difference between his fears and our reality. So we are not psychotic even with that symptom.

Parts can have different background stories than you do, but it doesn't sound right to me that they would try to make you believe it's YOUR background story as well. I mean, you may have part that is secret FBI agent or famous singer or actor in Hollywood, but that all is happening just in the inner world. They would not try to convince you that you are any of those things.

If you have DID, you may memorize your childhood or things in the past differently than parts do, because you have concretely experienced different moments than they did. But those still link together, and together all the pieces make sense, they make the complete story.

So parts can hold your real life memories, or they can have totally different background story. But I've always known the difference between those possibilities, I can tell who are the actual trauma holders, and who have they own separate life. I think people with DID do know the difference.

8. If they are still hiding from you, it is very possible they would do something like that when needed. They can come and help without any tricking as well when you start to know each other.

9. They can. Some people think that's what DID means, so that you would need to have completely different lives without knowing it to have DID, but in most cases the symptoms are not that severe. Mine aren't.

10. To me switching can feel like falling in sleep, but not. Sometimes switches are more subtle, I do not notice it happening until the parts suddenly disappears and I'm left there feeling stupid and wondering why I didn't realize it wasn't me. But sometimes they are clear, and then I can feel the presence of the part's that is near, and it feels I'm falling in sleep, I blink my eyes couple of times or my eyes can "roll over" weirdly and BOOM, there the other one is. Sometimes someone can co-exist with me and when they want to take over, it can feel like I'm just being pushed away. My child alter does that sometimes when he suddenly sees something so exiting he can't resist it. Or he can peek out of my eyes while I'm still there, which feel really weird.

If the switch is very fast, it can feel like what you described. There are many kind of co-existing and switching, so it can feel different depending on what is happening.

It would be easier to answer these questions if you would tell more about your symptoms. It's hard to know what you mean with certain things. But for example, if you have DID and are not fully aware of it yet, it is common that others can take over and do their stuff when you are sleeping. So in the morning you'll find things they've done. If this has been the only way for them to exist for several years, it would be very understandable for them to want to have a life of their own at least in the internet if not anywhere else. But some alters are quite happy in the inner world and don't need so much time in the real world.

You should go to see some professional because of those high score test results.

You can also leave notes to others and wait if anyone answers.

With others I meant your parts. Or if you think they've left message for you, answer to them. They are trying to create understanding between you guys if they do that, help everyone be happy and make it possible to negotiate things with each others. If there is more than just one of you, it's everyone's life, theirs as well as it yours.

But go seek professional help. We cannot diagnose you here, even if you told us everything. Reading others posts in the forum may be helpful too, so you see if it's like that for you. But many of us already know our parts (at least some of them), and if you don't, it's different with those things. But there are lot other topics as well and typical symptoms you even relate with or not. But that's how you can start.

Hello Sunaj, welcome.

Just gonna hit a few of these that I feel like I have answers for.

1. In regards to hearing voices is it possible that this may happen only at certain times, primarily around extreme events or stress? IOW not be a regularly occuring thing and be extremely rare. Maybe to the point where it is only once or twice a decade.
For us it's super-rare to actually hear a voice. We 'hear' our other parts more as their thoughts in our head. Like our internal 'monologue' is really an internal dialogue with multiple 'voices'. Their thoughts feel separate but they are mostly just thoughts, not actual voices. We've only heard actual literal voices like a handful of times.

2. Does the existence of the alters sometimes manifest in your dreams or appear as characters within them?
Absolutely. Sometimes (maybe most of the time?) when we dream, it's entirely some other part's dream and we're just spectating. It's actually kind of rare for me or V1 to be in one of our dreams lol.

5. Is it possible to completely hide the DID from the people around you so that they are unaware?
Absolutely. We managed to hide it for 48 years, not just from everyone around us, but from ourselves as well lol. Previous host knew she had some 'wierd' symptoms but she ignored and denied and dismissed them as no big deal, bad memory and good imagination, until she finally had a breakdown and vanished completely leaving the rest of us to pick up the pieces. DID is a disorder of 'hiddeness', it keeps you alive by separating things out and keeping them hidden. It's not unheard of to go decades with noone knowing it's there.

6. How do they communicate with you? Is it unheard of for them to use something like email, forum posts, or somehow to actually be able to speak with you by telephone?
I don't know how they might use the telephone but I won't say it's impossible. For sure they could leave you voicemails. In our system different parts use different methods. Some write in our journal. Some 'talk' in our head, like insert their thoughts into our mind. We have one who just became active last week and so far she only communicates via twitter lol. So yeah I'd say it's entirely possible for parts to use diverse methods to communicate with each other, and with the outside world.

8. How common is it for alters to intervene in things non-consentually? i.e. if something really bad happens or is threatened to basically try to do something to trick or otherwise the host to do something.
This is quite possible. Eg. if we try and talk about something we shouldn't, we can feel like a hand has grabbed our throat and choking us. Literally choking the words so we can't talk. It's a bizzare experience. I'm quite sure parts can take over entirely if they feel it's necessary. Especially a protector who perceives a dangerous situation. It can also happen for mundane things too. Passive influence or directly taking over. Like we're trying to be on a diet, but then discovering a box of donuts on the kitchen counter lol. Somebody took over and went out and bought them, without me or V1 even knowing.

10. Is there a correlation with a sudden jerking -- like a feeling that you have been hit with electricity for a split second (but no pain) or that suddenly your body has "jumped" position slightly? What about other things like ear popping? Does this signify "switching" or something like this?
In our experience, there are a lot of different 'kinds' of switches, and there are a lot of different 'symptoms' or experiences of switching. Some are fast, some slow, sometimes you don't realize it's happened, sometimes you do. Basically what I'm saying is, what you describe could be a switch. But switches can also be lots of other things too.

V2

(I'm sorry this is very long. Much longer than I intended. But some of you seem to sincerely be trying to help so I felt I should sincerely include as much details as I could)

Thank you for helping PlanetIcarus and VioletFlux. It has already helped a bit. One problem I had with trying to research is that it seems like there are a wide range of experiences. Also honestly sometimes I wonder if I get misinformation and it makes me skeptical to trust it.

As PlanetIcarus suggested I think I will share more about the interactions. Please let me know if this is familiar or even possible or if anyone has suggestions on how to test things. Firstly though I feel like I should share some things about me because they are relevant in trying to determine limitations and what is possible.

I am extremely technically literate and have worked around technology all of my adult life. It is trivial for me for instance to use a proxy to hide where I post from. It would be easy for me to make it look like I am posting from Russia for example. Also it wouldn't be beyond me even to make it look like I posted at a certain time even when I am away from a computer etc. While I have no knowledge of every doing such a thing it would also be possible for me to hack a forum and insert, alter, or delete posts in the database. I definitely have the knowledge to do that.

Despite how it might seem when I go into this I live a fairly normal life (besides maybe some interpersonal relationships -- and there are some very anbnormal things about me not pshychologically related I admit though). I am definitely a fully functional self supporting adult. This interaction has all happened over the course of 17 years too so it is all condensed here but realize that many of these thigns happened nearly two decades ago. I will have to leave a lot out because it would be too long and for other reasons.

When I was 23 I would post at a certain forum. It was very freely moderated and lots of random stuff appeared there. I would post there often very freely and talk about almost anything. It was essentially anonymous. At the time there were many things about my life and what I was doing which was negative (at least in how I see them now). There was a lot of stress and conflict. One day when I was posting I suddenly "heard" a voice (or it might have been more of a thought which did not feel like my own -- this was long ago) saying basically "you cannot keep doing this". Then around that time (may have been the same day, might have been a few days later) I "heard" a "voice" more detailed this time say a bunch of negative things ("Your girlfriend will leave you. Your mother will hate you. You will be homeless") which were going to happen to me. My reaction was basically "I will die first" and I remember being disturbed but just going to sleep and forgetting about it pretty much thereafter as it didn't happen again immediately.

Fast forward a couple months. One particular night I get very weird and start feeling depressed. Like it is the end of the world or of my life. I start researching strange things. I do some very strange things which I will not go into. Then I just "forget" it all and go to sleep. A week later a extremely major negative event occurs. (We will just say it is a coincidence) It is a time of extreme stress and rapid change and uncertainty in the world. It truly does feel for a while that it is the end of the world as we know it.

A couple months later I see a post from someone who feels like they are baiting me out. They say all these strange things but related to what happened to me months earlier. I then start looking into them and checking their posts on the forum. They are considered extremely creepy by the other people there because of the things they say and the way they say it. But I look back and I see posts from them as well as wierd associated accounts. They first appeared almost exactly to the same day when I first heard the voices. One post says something like "Please just go to sleep. I promise to explain it all in the morning. It will be OK". Another post says something like "He realizes this thoughts are not his own. Very negative. Angry. This one will take lots of work". Looking back I also realize shortly (days) after I heard the voices I had an interaction with this person. They said something which triggered me because it was completely opposite my then current beliefs. I basically challenged them with a question. They answered. This was an extremely deep philosophical/spiritual question but would seem creepy to the average person. The whole time between when they first appeared and my realizing them they were there minus about a month after the major world event occured. They made a post or two after and then vanished for a while before returning months later. At this point there were thousands of posts from them.

Fast forward in time now months after the major world event when I realize them. I am angry with them and scared because of what happened and how it feels like they are baiting me but eventually I make contact with them and ask to speak with them via email. We exchange lots of emails over the next few months. The conversations are very strange. As in most of their forum posts it is like they speak in riddles. Now as I increase contact with them in this time things start getting very wierd with me. The things we discussed were not normal things. I do not want to go into it here because I don't want to spook people more than I probably already do. A lot of it I did bnot understand and still do not fully. They had a knack for being ambiguous. During this time for a about a month or two looking back I realize that I was probably insane. I lost all "grounding" and radically went through changes. But somehow I still remained mostly functional and those around me did not see it. The exception was my girlfriend of six years at the time. The relationship did not survive for long after this. She said I was like a different person. And she was right. But I feel that what with happened to me around that time it was expected for me to change (I was young and went through extreme life experiences and changes suddenly) and not that I really was a different person.

Time continues on and the person still posted at that forum for years in the same manner. They creeped me out and didn't always seem positive and would often speak of strange things so I avoided email contact with them and just read their messages. Their identity was in another country from my own and they sometimes talked about things in their life. Eventually I realized mroe and more that this person was actually able to control me in lots of ways with their messages because of how much influence their messages sometimes had on me. So I began to become more aware of that this was happening and cautious. Eventually I moved a 1,000 miles away and within a week or two they stopped posting at this forum.

About 5 years go by and at a forum much like the old one another person who speaks just like them in a lot of ways appeared but they have a different identity and claim to live somewhere else. There are also differences. They do not speak about things as deep or creepy usually but they act in near the same manner. Eventually I make contact with this person and we talk. Again it follows the same pattern. They often call me someone I am not and I tell them this and they freak out or I freak out because they say strange things about my life which are not my life. I want to find out what this is though so months later I talk to them again. This time we talk for nearly a month privately. Email. Chat. We chat about all sorts of things. They mostly shared youtube videos. Oddly some of the videos were music and they actually introduced me to what are now some of my favorite songs! At some point we speak of talking on the phone. I want to find out what this is because again at this point the whole thing is intertwined with most of my adult life. They call me and we actually talk (!) on the phone. The whole experience feels very wierd. We both seemed surprised. After they think I am using a voice disguiser. I think their accent is artificial (but do not say this). We play it off as a mistake but then at times they post or chat as if it weren't. We eventually quit speaking privately except for one or two short times. We couldn't speak much because they would say something and I would tell them that is not me and I do not know what they are talking about. If I just ignored that though we could keep speaking but that felt wrong to me.

So I went back to just reading their posts. This continued for 10 years (!). Sometimes I would reply to them a little bit off and on but mostly just small talk or posting a smiley face or something. Over the years they began to degenerate though. They claim to have a terminal disease which progresses to destroy mental functionality. They would post strange things about conspiracy theories, claim that missing people were still alive, strang egovernment conspiracies, etc. Eventually again I reply to them and mention that I am not named the person that they address me by. They then say something like "He has D.I.D. and that is the name he sometimes goes by to avoid some things which are too much for him." In the past the also talked about multiple personalities. They asked me once if I had seen the movie Sybil (I think it was?). I said "No" then they said something like "Good, don't go see it!".

Recently they speak of strange things. Their mental condition seems to be rapidly getting worse. One thing they speak of is a doctor trying to trick them to signing an agreement to be comitted to an asylum. They are very angry about this. They post death threats against the doctors and others. Sometimes they post death threats to the identity I feel they identify me as. Sometimes multiple times a day. But every once in a while they say something nice as well. This fits the past pattern with them since the start however it has never been so extreme as it has in the past few years.

They posted a phone number so I have their claimed phone number again. But the catch is as in usual style they didn't outright tell me to call it. They said somethign negative and then in the same post said something like "Here is my number, now the ball is in your court." but they say this generally to everyone and not just me or privately to me. I also have the address they claim to live at (they posted it before). From online searches they do come up as a real person. I've considered calling them again or even going there but it feels wrong to do that. Now also they are usually pretty negative and posting death threats against "me" and others, etc. So it owuldn't seem very smart to contact them!

A couple days before they posted their phone number, I had offered to try to help them get medical treatment for their condition and find them help. They immediately responded very negatively (this was not the first time I tried to help).

I question whether they are a real person or whether it is just me somehow. That I have D.I.D and they are an alter. A very elaborate one. So I ask you is something like this even possible?! Can a person with D.I.D really talk to an alter over the phone? It seems not possible but then I consider that it is the mind which interprets/defines our reality. Could I just THINK I spoke with them by the phone and have a false memory of it?

Despite how it may seem, again, I am a fully functional and self sufficient adult. I've never been to a mental health professional or institution or anything like that. I'm posting this from my house. Really!

I do not recall any instances of losing time save for maybe one or two unexplained occurances in my life. Although in general it feels as if once it hits about 4pm that time somehow speeds up. It feels like it is bedtime rather fast.

I do have occurances about once every year or so where someone claims they know me but I don't know them. This can be at restaraunts, stores, or sometimes just walking down the street. I've written this off as just looking like someone else. It is not something which happens all the time.

I also have security cameras on both the inside and outside. I have never reviewed the footage and seen "myself" going out unexpected. Then again it would be pretty trivial for "me" to disable the cameras or to erase certain footage?

I'm not asking for a diagnosis. I know this is the wrong place but I ask if this is likely or something anyone can relate to. Is the phone thing even possible or likely? Despite the history and their mental consition, do you think I should call this "person" again and attempt to speak to them? I know it might seem strange but I have conversed with them in some way (at least that identity) for a decade. In many ways I consider them a friend even if they routinely make death threats against me or others. If they are a real person I would liek to help them too. Sometimes they say things where they seem to be a danger to themselves. Usually I would report this immediately but if they are a real person, given the things they recently said, I think this would result in them being committed.

To make things even stranger/complex I have a photo of who this person claims to be. I also have memories of having family photos of them with their family members. Only memories because when the conversation turned negative once and I thought it was a misunderstanding I deleted them as I thought that was the right thing to do. When they first gave me the photos though under the circumstances I was very suspicious that they were photoshopped and not really them.

I will cut this here. Sorry for the length. Please ANY and all input (or opinions) you might have is helpful if you have any direct experience with D.I.D. I realize that I should probably seek a psychiatrist for a possible diagnosis but I wish to explore things a bit first. Thank you for reading. If you made it this far, you are awesome!!! lol

Something I will add to the previous post (there is a lot I could add but I talk too much already).

I only just realized this now somehow when thinking more of things. The "person" from the start I spoke with when I was young mentioned that one of her favorite books was Zen and the Art of Motorcycle maintenance. I read that book after she suggested it.

Now in thinking I had a vague recollection that D.I.D. was associated with that book in some way or something like it. It turns out my memory was correct.

Litcharts wrote:Phaedrus, named after an Ancient Greek Sophist who appears in Plato’s Socratic dialogue Phaedrus, is the name by which the narrator refers to the consciousness that once occupied his body. Phaedrus was a highly analytical academic prodigy who grew disenchanted with the western intellectual tradition’s limited notion of reason. While teaching English at Montana State University in Bozeman, he begins to develop a philosophy that revolves around a concept he calls Quality. Quality is a single concept that encapsulates the subject/object duality that dominates western thought. Phaedrus pursues further study at the University of Chicago, where he reads the Ancient Greek philosophers that engendered the problematic subject/object distinction in contemporary academia. During his time in Chicago, Phaedrus suffers a mental breakdown, and he is hospitalized and subjected to electroshock therapy. Following this therapy, Phaedrus’s consciousness changes to that of the narrator.

I am not posting a link because my account still seems to be moderated and I think I caught that links might be a bad thing and detected as spam from new accounts? But this is from the LitCharts site.

Also another thing. One of the songs they introduced me was "Styx - Mr. Roboto". If you watch the video or read the lyrics you will probably understand why it is significant! It could be an extreme trigger though?

In thinking it over I strongly suspect either I have D.I.D. (or something very like it) or else I have just crossed paths with this other person by fate who has D.I.D. and have been interacting with them. There is also the possibility that both are true. There are other possibilities too but these seem to be among the most likely from apsychological persepctive.

I will be honest as I sit and think of losing this other "person" I find myself crying. It seems very strange. But I feel if they go it would be like losing a mother and best friend. At some times they were like a mother to me. At others they were like a best friend. They know things about me no one else knows including close family. That is why even when they were negative I could never just fully ignore them. For better or worse, whether a real person or a alter they are a part of me and intertwined. For almost my entire adult life and for nearly half of my life at least.

I guess the real question is should I try to phone them? I notice a pattern when I get close to them things sometimes get strange and I can lose my "grounding". But sometimes during interacting directly with them good things happen too. For instance I quit smoking 10 years ago during a time when we were conversing privately for hours a day. It was almost effortless. I just quit and was never tempted again. (!)

I see that something might be close to happening here. In exploring this possibility I feel like I am closer to the truth and understanding things. I turn 40 in less than two months too. I feel like something is about to happen. It already has just from posting these messages because it forced me to confront things and think about them....but also it feels like something bigger will happen soon.

I am open to any input and would be grateful for it.

Sunaj, I do not understand how continuing to do what you are doing would lead you closer to any truth. What if you call them and they say "I am you." It can still be just someone playing a game with you, either with bad intentions, or because they have mental problems.

Your story sounds like something out of a movie, not anything I've ever heard of in real life before. It would be quite typical movie of DID, having little hints and clues from some unknown source, and in the end you'll find out it was you yourself all the time. It doesn't mean it couldn't be true, I can't know. But the thing is, spending ten years with trying to figure out a puzzle game triggering your mind and taking several hours a day, does not sound healthy anyway. It has not led you anywhere else than deeper in the game. I know you are not happy with this answer, but I think it would be wisest thing to just stop.

Lets assume they are parts of yours. Their only job seems to be keeping your mind busy, so you lack other things in real life, or mislead you to search for something without ever getting anywhere. If it is a part, they may be trying to protect you in their own way, but I still wouldn't play their game anymore. Because it is not actually protecting, it's harming. It may be something like keeping your mind busy with other stuff, so you'll miss important stuff, or distract you from your actual problems, the traumas that you've went through, because DID is always caused by an early childhood trauma. Or it can be some persecutor part or an introject trying to keep you exactly where you are. Was someone playing games with your mind when you were a child?

The story you told doesn't give anyone any new information than what you're already having. I think much more important things to diagnose you is the high scores you got from the test. So what symptoms do you have? That is the information you should be able to tell when you go to seek for professional help. Those are the type of things you should try to figure out more about. Stop trying to hunt the ghosts, and look at yourself instead. There are all the information you need. That would be the way to figure things out.

You said if it is some outside person, you would also be into helping them. But you need to realize, playing along with their game is the thing that is keeping also them in the state they already are in, and have been for several years. You are not a therapist. If you were, you would know, continuing to do their game playing wouldn't help. It will make the problems deeper. If it would help, any of you wouldn't be in this situation anymore.

If you want to tell about your traumas or your symptoms, please do. I still am not able to diagnose you though. This e-mailing puzzle I'm not gonna involve into. To me it seems harmful. You will need professional help.

PlanetIcarus wrote:Sunaj, I do not understand how continuing to do what you are doing would lead you closer to any truth. What if you call them and they say "I am you." It can still be just someone playing a game with you, either with bad intentions, or because they have mental problems.

There are (seemingly) two different people/identities/alters/unknowns/etc. One I "interacted" with from 2001 to 2003. The other from about 2007 to present. The later was actually there for years before it's just that I never interacted with them prior to that. They also claimed to have been around at the other forum too back in 2001. I know both of their real claimed names and cities of residence as well as a lot about them. As I sit and think about it more the "nuclear option" is to investigate much deeper to determine whether they are real people. The most extreme thing would be to go in person. I am not sure that this would be wise but it is nuclear option. I realize that if I had DID or some sort of psychosis, etc. this might be really intense for me and could be extremely negative. I also realize, as you state, that it could be someone playing a game or someone who is dangerous.

I want to say something here. It seems really strange that I did not intensely investigate them or even show up there before. It's been 17 years for the one. I did look into them both though a bit and found evidence of a presence but it felt wrong. It felt like stalking. But given the intesity of what was happening it is still strange that I did not pull out all the stops to investigate the first identity/person in 2001-2003 at some time. Looking within I realize I felt guilty doing that.

Your story sounds like something out of a movie, not anything I've ever heard of in real life before. It would be quite typical movie of DID, having little hints and clues from some unknown source, and in the end you'll find out it was you yourself all the time. It doesn't mean it couldn't be true, I can't know. But the thing is, spending ten years with trying to figure out a puzzle game triggering your mind and taking several hours a day, does not sound healthy anyway. It has not led you anywhere else than deeper in the game. I know you are not happy with this answer, but I think it would be wisest thing to just stop.

I have to laugh. (sometimes you have to!) How screwed am I when I am new to the D.I.D. forum and have left out a lot of the more fantastical stuff and I already seem like a script from a movie?! It's about to get far worse too. I feel like I should just let things out. I usually don't say this much to anyone because I know if I heard it I would not believe it myself. But I assure you I'm not playing a game despite how it might seem. This is what I sincerely know and experienced.

For the second person who is still around I have only privately interacted with them somewhere between 2-4 times (in varying stretches of time -- one was for about a month, another just a day or two). It was only around 2008 near when they first got my attention that I intensely communicated with them for hours a day. And you are right. That had a lot of consequences for my work but as mentioned it wasn't all negative or fruitless. I quit smoking with ease during that time and 10 years later have never been tempted again. Other than that and the short few other times we have communicated privately it has all been over the public forum. In the last year I have sent them maybe 20-30 messages with most just being a emoji. I have probably read about 90% of their posts though.

Lets assume they are parts of yours. Their only job seems to be keeping your mind busy, so you lack other things in real life, or mislead you to search for something without ever getting anywhere. If it is a part, they may be trying to protect you in their own way, but I still wouldn't play their game anymore. Because it is not actually protecting, it's harming. It may be something like keeping your mind busy with other stuff, so you'll miss important stuff, or distract you from your actual problems, the traumas that you've went through, because DID is always caused by an early childhood trauma. Or it can be some persecutor part or an introject trying to keep you exactly where you are. Was someone playing games with your mind when you were a child?

This is where things get even more fantastical. I know how this is going to seem. I will just lay it out. It is relevant and it might help you understand me better or at least my motivations and why I did some things that I did. I have psychic dreams (there is a ton of baggage that goes with saying this. Please try to forget that and only take it at face value in the minimal sense). Or at least that is what I strongly believe(d). I realized it at the time of the "major world event" but it was probably there for much of my life before I just never realized it. The "major world event" I spoke of was 911 (sept. 11, 2001). The morning of Sept. 11 I had a psychic dream about the event which shook me strongly before the event even occurred. I don't know if you were around then that long ago but if not it is probably hard to imagine how things felt at that time in the world. It was very intense with the emotions. Many thought it was the end of the world starting or at least the beginning of WW3. And then I dreamed about it before it happened (at least this is what I believe) and had all this hit me at the same time. Please keep that in mind as you read further.

The first person probably saved my life. Although they might have been the cause of a lot of stuff too. Things are not always so black and white. Anyway what got my attention with them was that they were baiting me out about the dream and the event. That made me read their past posts at that forum and I saw that they were a mystic/occultist. I had little experience with that at the time and still was in shock over the dream and the events. That was what made me first make contact with them. They seemed to have the answers to it. I won't go into it a lot now but at the same time I was extremely suspicious of them.

This gets even worse now. In March 2002 after contacting them for a while things reached a boiling point. It was a time of chaos for me, radical changes. Like I said in the other post I lost all grounding. Looking back I realize that for a month or two at least I was insane even if I had a valid reason to be that way and even if I could hide it from most people. Anyway because of the symbology of the dreams and what this person was saying, the voices, the other weird things happening at that time I felt that I was possessed. There were a few times where I did feel that control over myself was slipping. At times some of the thoughts were dangerous to others (keep in mind this was 16 years ago). It got to the point where I was about to write notes. One for my loved ones at the house explaining things and another to take with me to the nearest city where they did exorcisms. My intention was to drive there by myself and give them the note and seek help from the church. An exorcism.

But that was not to be. As I was considering the exorcism suddenly someone started posting messages like this:

Topic: 10

Dayton, OH March 3, 1992

Mark Smith is arrested after a mass shooting at the Dayton Courthouse. 7 people were killed. Smith has no prior record and there is no known motive for the attack.

Topic: 9

Jeffrey Wright of New York City was arrested on November 9 after witnesses claim he suddenly veered off the road, accelerated and struck 4 pedestrians near Synder Elementary School.

(note I just made up the specifics of the posts. These aren't real events. It is merely to convey the type of content)

This continued on in either decending or ascending order. The implication to me then was that if I left to the church to get an exorcism I would never make it and that I would end up committing a mass killing. It felt like these other people were possessed too and this is what happened to them. Again I was in a very ungrounded and suggestive state at that time. Looking back I realize that it is possible the posting off these messages was coincidental. But that was not my interpretation at the time. The thought of harming others absolutely terrified me! This was probably the lowest point of my life.

Instead I decided to remain where I was and to "go straight at it". I recalled some things this first person taught me and wrote. Techniques and thoughts to ignore the negative and to control my thoughts. To try to absorb the negative and integrate it. To try to be positive. It worked. I was at peace. Things were extremely negative that day and up before it. Terrorfying. Now suddenly all was at peace. That was the start of radical spiritual and philosophical changes for me.

So as strange as it might sound please see that not everything is negative with them.

Childhood trauma. There is nothing that I know of. At worst a few times my dad hit me in my teen years but we aren't talking a lot or sustained. Just a couple times that I remember. The biggest thing is something that I remember as a "dream" although it might not have been a dream. I was between 4-7 years old and went in the basement into a back room we rarely went in. It was dark with no light. There was something like a orange glowing orb. As a kid I always saw it as an ashtray with the "ashes" talking to me. There were three voices from the ashtray. Two male. One female. At least one of the males was asking "Do you know who I am?" with a high pitched voice which perceived as threatening or evil. The female voice said something like "Hello <my first name>" and I think told the other ones to be quiet. This memory was another reason why I suspected at one time that I was possessed by demons (and you cna probably understand why now?). So I would say this was traumatic for me because it certainly wasn't normal and I definitely remembered it all my life. I always knew that I was not completely normal.

So now that I have freaked people out and anyone reading this far thinks I am either a total lunatic or trying to get the script right for a new film....... sigh. If you read this far please at least humor me and consider that if I am sincere just how lucky you are that you are not me and that maybe your problems aren't so bad after all!!! lol Let some good come from this.

The story you told doesn't give anyone any new information than what you're already having. I think much more important things to diagnose you is the high scores you got from the test. So what symptoms do you have? That is the information you should be able to tell when you go to seek for professional help. Those are the type of things you should try to figure out more about. Stop trying to hunt the ghosts, and look at yourself instead. There are all the information you need. That would be the way to figure things out.

You said if it is some outside person, you would also be into helping them. But you need to realize, playing along with their game is the thing that is keeping also them in the state they already are in, and have been for several years. You are not a therapist. If you were, you would know, continuing to do their game playing wouldn't help. It will make the problems deeper. If it would help, any of you wouldn't be in this situation anymore.

If you want to tell about your traumas or your symptoms, please do. I still am not able to diagnose you though. This e-mailing puzzle I'm not gonna involve into. To me it seems harmful. You will need professional help.

The stuff above probably helps a lot with what you asked here I think? There are some things though. I need to mention that sometimes when sitting down again I feel that I left things out or mislead. It isn't intentional but realize that this whole thing happened over mainly 17 years and that there is a lot of stuff that I just haven't focused on a lot recently. I think that was a protection mechanism?

About the first person from 2001 - 2003. Actually there were at least two people maybe more then. They would communicate back and forth sometimes between themselves. But I only (to my knowledge) communicated with the main one. I think she called the others "soldiers". The second person (the one still around) definitely does this. In fact one of them she calls the name of a famous soldier who died years ago. But that is how she is. She likes to just choose people sometimes and address them. For instance sometimes she seems to address "me" as the name of a convicted criminal who is in prison now for shooting a police officer. I realize how bizarre this all must sound! It has become normal for me though because I am used to hearing it for years. I am desensitized to how bizarre it really is.

About helping her if she is a real person. I realize I probably can't. I've tried to help by suggesting ways so she can get her medicine or see her estranged family but she almost always reacts negatively and with extreme anger. Lately most contact with her was just a smiley face emote after she spoke of something nice for herself or just wishing her a nice day. The whole thing is very complex. At the very least I see her as a friend though. We are talking nearly two decades here so it is very involved and there is a lot more I can say but look how long this gets already. It feels very wrong to just totally abandon her and not even read her messages. I don't know if I mentioned this before but she has declined a lot in recent years. Back in 2008 she was much less extreme and far more lucid. She says she has a terminal illness which causes long term brain degeneration among other things. I know what it is but am not specifying it for her privacy.

There is something about the family history you should know. My father has nerve problems and is bi-polar or something like this. He was taking lithium for over 30 years. I only found this part out in the last few years but he was in the army and during training I think something happened to him mentally. One day he mentioned that he woke up in a hospital his mom and sister were standing over him. He lost 6 months of memory. He does not like to talk about this though and gets visibly upset when you try but I feel I should find out more. I do not think he is D.I.D. I feel I would know that and I don't think lithium is for that? In any case he recently got off the lithium entirely and no longer even sees a psychiatrist. He is doing better than ever.

I agree with you that I probably need professional help! But as you said it seems like a movie script. Imagine me trying to explain all this. Here is the thing though. As difficult as it probably is to believe I am fully functional and believe it or not my life is mostly happy. I don't feel that I am a danger to myself or others at all (the really bad stuff was 16 years ago). I have control despite my "ghosts", traumatic experiences, etc. I will not pretend to be normal though. I know I am not.

Something I will share. My name is "Janus" spelled backwards. It is not something I normally go by and to be honest I just made it up when trying to find a name to post under here. But it seems to fit me oddly very well? Now that I shared so much there is no need to keep that a secret. Thank you again for trying to help me.

Well, I already said what am I thinking about, and I'm thinking the same way now, even stronger. I know you are addicted to the stuff you do, that is why I said you are not gonna like what I tell you.

I'm not gonna negotiate with you about amount of emojis or who said what, like I said, I'm not going to involve this world of e-mails etc, instead I'm advising you to leave it too. That is not what I was talking about. I'm talking about normal life stuff and how much this affects to it. I was talking more about do you have any friends or social life? Are you dating or married? Do you have any hobbies? Are you getting anxious if you can not be involve with these people? You don't need to answer, I mean that kind of things you should be thinking about when you consider is this a problem or not.

It is your life, you choose what you wanna do.

I knew what world event you were talking about, and no, I wasn't born yet back then. I also put that thing about alters being secret FBI agents there (my first message) on purpose, cause I'm kind of sensitive, and I knew what kind of stuff this was going to be.

I don't think you are lying or making anything up intentionally. I don't know what is wrong with you, or do you just happen to like to be involved with weird stuff. There's all kind of conditions I know nothing about, that is why we should leave diagnosing to the professionals. I can't help you any further.

I wish you can sort this out.

P.S. Don't tell trauma victims your life makes our's look not so bad. I know you said it with humorous manner, but still. You have no idea.

PlanetIcarus, thank you again for helping. You seem a lot older than you actually are. At least that is the impression I get from you. (this is a compliment )

I apologize for the things not being so bad comment. You are right. I did not intend to be dismissive. It was meant to be humorous but also to convey that as much as it sounds like some crazy movie it is unfortunately my reality. One of the ways I think I cope is by trying not to even think of it much and by just living my life and focusing on the mundane. It usually works for me but probably has some consequences.

Take care and nice to meet you.