Body and weight *** tw

I know body issues are pretty common with abuse survivors.
I’m genetically on the thinner side of things -always have been until memories came up. Then I used food as medicator to numb out .
The problem is now when I start to get back to my healthy weight ( I’ve also done the food restriction thing and gotten very thin)... I feel anxious .

It also seems like food is being used as a weapon against me.. it feels like self hate when I binge. I don’t even like the stuff, it’s messing with my health but can’t seem to stop.

So it feels like 2 issues.
One is I get very anxious when I start to lose weight to be healthy and my thinner body ( more “ attractive “) is triggering me/us.
The other is that over eating feels like self hate . Aggressive and hostile . My mother was this way. About feeding me .

Maybe try to shift the focus from being thinner and more attractive to being healthier. I have similar anxiety about my body and not wanting to be pretty so I try to focuse on other improvements that being healthier make, like I feel less tired I'm stronger I can run for longer.

With the food I have different issues not all of us notice when the body is hungry then others binge because we skipped to many meals and they noticed. Also the one who do most of my eating just want comfort food. Nyx is the only one that eats anything close to a healthy diet and she doesn't feel hunger and finds most food over stimulating. So I can't help on the food front unfortunately.

I do feel a lot of the issues we have about the way we eat or don't are because of the way we were fed

Hi LadySlippers,

We have and to some extent still do struggle with this. Our previous host was very disconnected from the body, and she (or other parts working through her) used food and alcohol both to self medicate and as a weapon. At our heaviest, the body was over 450lbs... you don't get that big with a lot of self love or mental stability.

Violet 1 became active inside and started influencing and stuff that got us down quite a bit, but that certainly contributed to previous host's breakdown and led to our DID awareness. Now we're back to struggling with parts once again using food to medicate, or as a weapon.

Mike doesn't want us getting too slim or attractive because he thinks it'll make us a target for abuse or whatever, get us in trouble. He also gets dysphoria about the body cos it's female.

Melissa and probably other littles don't really grasp the whole diet concept, they just want their sweets sometimes. Icecream, donuts, cake, or whatever.
I don't have any quick or easy answers, we're still struggling right now to try and work through it ourselves. But wanted you to know you're not alone, we know what you're going through.

V2

we have mixed trouble with eating too.
it helped us a lot to see who in the system is having what kind of thoughts or feelings about it and face it separately from each other. there is no one size fits it all solution for us.
we are getting better with the eating stuff. but it took us along time and there are still bad days

-- Thu May 10, 2018 4:38 pm --

we have mixed trouble with eating too.
it helped us a lot to see who in the system is having what kind of thoughts or feelings about it and face it separately from each other. there is no one size fits it all solution for us.
we are getting better with the eating stuff. but it took us along time and there are still bad days

amen. us too.

one thing I just realized is a spend double money on food because we aren't communicating.

I totally get the weight to keep men away and be safe. this is our problem too. it's like being fat makes you kind of invisible and we really like that. but it makes us slow and weak. which we hate.

we are having internal discussions about strength and agility being SAFER than fat. I think it's working. it is so hard. good luck!

Trigger warning stuff

We have lots of problems with the way we look, and it's straightly connected to our traumas, since we have been severely physically abused and the reasoning behind it was about our looks. But we have different kind of problems because of that, body wight doesn't involve in those.

It doesn't mean we still wouldn't have weight issues and eating problems as well.

One of my persecutors is anorectic. We have many persecutors, but this one is really straight forward suicide guy. He's anxious and gets relief from anything that can harm us and lead us closer to death, and not eating is one of his ways. (He can get happy with even smoking one cigarette, and hopes we would get lung cancer for that.) He doesn't give a s**t how we look like, but he kind of still enjoys it when he can see our body getting thinner. So he knows what he does is working. He's not very separate from me, when he comes close, I become him. So it's not like he's doing stuff behind our back.

The bigger issues with weight also don't connect with looks, at least not so straightly. The first one is that I find it very hard to get older. So I have been in anorectic weight to stop our puberty. But then I understood it really doesn't help, because we still do get older, even if we wouldn't look like it.

The second reason why I've done that is our sex drive, and with anorectic weight, those hormones disappear. We had to stop eating when we were hospitalized, cause it would not have been possible to have sex life in there, and I knew we could get seriously weird with that thing if we would still have the same sex drive. And I think we also did act ways we shouldn't have, but I don't really remember it, I just remember when that was talked about with our doc, cause it was some younger ones who did that. But as our weight went down, it was easier to function without sex. But actually we use sex to sooth down feelings, and when we were refused to do that, we got more self destructing otherwise. And not eating also triggers that persecutor part to be more active.

We have difficulties with taking care of ourselves properly anyway, and eating is just one thing we can forget. But we are living in an institution and having pretty strict diet (because of eating disorder stuff), so others are taking care of our eating now.