Inner and Outer Experience; Living in two worlds?

Does anyone else feel like they live in two worlds - the real world and the inner world? The inner world is constantly running here, with communications between others, or updates from the world of the ones I have amnesia with, and there are often metaphorical representations of the past or present running concurrently with the real world. Anyone else feel like this? It's weird to me that what is essentially a dream world really does take up a significant portion of my experience of reality.

Yes, I can definitely relate. In fact I would take it a step further and say that, for me at least there is an outside world and also an inner recreation of the outside world, which is where I mostly seem to live

It does feel like that yeah! Our “inner world” never really goes away either. We find it hard to grasp what reality is. Some days we almost spend more time in the day sitting in a chair doing nothing in “real life”, merely chatting, doing fun stuff in our head and then we notice, how long have we been sitting in this chair? We’re sitting in a chair? And poof like that a whole bunch of time is gone Then the rest of the day feels so busy, doing things in real life switching around taking turns doing stuff. It’s just so easy to get lost and confused between both real life and our own mind. It is a lot like living in two worlds!

I can relate a lot.
I'm kind of stuck between the outside world and the inner world, but I'm a little bit more outside than inside. I can't go fully inside (Daem is the exact opposite).
Still, I can't not be in touch with the inner world, and it happen so many things inside...
I feel like I'm navigating between those two worlds, making the connection between them... and that's what my job as "outside-manager" is about. Taking care of the daily life and being the link between outside and inside.

The title of the topic made me laughed, because the folder in my computer where we try to write all the memories we can gather is named "Between two worlds".

I am barely in touch with the inner world, usually things just go black for me when I am not front.
We are all working on being more in the outside world, more co-conscious, and it has made us all happier.

birdsong87 wrote:I am barely in touch with the inner world, usually things just go black for me when I am not front.

This is pretty much it for V1 and V2 as well. For us, 'inside' is just the endless void of in-between. If you go too deep in there, time stops completely and you lose time outside.

We'd both like to get inside eventually though, at least to just see it and meet everyone in there. Till then, we take care of the outside world, and do what we can to help the system heal.

-Violets

I don't have an access to the inner world, I don't have a body in there. ( I've heard somewhere that the core personality/personalities don't have that?? ) I think I have many separate inner worlds that are all quite small. Like that Elias is just standing in the bathroom. There's nothing else for him. I have no clue what would be outside the door. Some parts are living in a time that has stopped. One is alone in a beautiful apartment (the place where he has split from me). He can walk there, but it's quiet and nothing is happening, except him being there. An other one is in the very same apartment, for the same reason, but those two are like in parallel universes, they can't communicate straight, but they know about each other, and I think they have some kind of connection. Little Prince is laying in the desert, but he has emotional connection to Leon.

I think all my parts that I would think are more emotional parts, are this way, their worlds are separate and small and time doesn't exist. When they front, it's almost like an accident for them, they don't understand the real world, they don't know time or place, and they understand other people very twisted ways, thru their traumas only.

But for apparently normal parts inner world is larger and some of them know each other inside, so they can speak in there and do stuff together without me knowing. I know Nooa and Jonathan hang out together sometimes. But actually I have picture in my head, where Jonathan is laying on the roof of a high building, and looking sometimes up to the sky and sometimes down, people walking in the streets, but he has more world than that. I have no clue where Leon and Nooa are, when they are in. I don't know what kind of world are they living in.

Many parts meet each other only if they come somehow closer to the body and real world at the same time. So maybe that is like the in-between. Leon is there a lot. I think Nooa might be the one who can stop someone from getting there, but if they are there, he can't stop them fronting.

For us it would be dangerous if certain parts would meet and realize they have existed at the same time in the same body. I think it's for safety, why their worlds are so small. I don't know are they really completely separate, or if they would just go outside where they are at, could they found each other? I have a theory there may be two different worlds, one for parts from Elias's side and one for parts from my side. And there are few I don't know where they have came from, but they are all ANP-type parts, just those mentioned before, Leon and Nooa. Jonathan is bit different from them, he was an introject of my boyfriend when he appeared, but he has grown to his own direction. I don't know if he actually separated from me back then when I started dating, or did he just take his form from him, but was here before..

Sorry for just "thinking out loud" my own thoughts. I'm more in real world, but inner one is twisting it sometimes in so many ways, I don't know what is true.

I can "see" most parts from time to time, not when ever I want. But I don't really have any "physical" access to where they are. I may get connected with the boys in the apartment, but I can't go inside the apartment and be with them. Do you have bodies in your inner worlds? Or can you just look in there?

Yep. And wjen i get to the outter world im like the hell? Howd I think my inner world was the outter world?

Because it feels like that. Youre in reality but thebinner world os kore there than outter world.

.then when you finally get out youre like omg im crazy to think the crap we deal with inside is reality. Its like getting hit in the face with cold water.

Hiyas PlanetIcarus and company

Man the littles were having a great time sucking at their new video game and were feeling spry and wanted to pop in here and say Howdy

But as soon as I saw this post I was drawn in as usual for I find myself living in two worlds constantly and have been for a very long time. It triggers the heck out of me just seeing the topic for it's one of those DID things that are way too close to home which is a reminder that has been blocked out since I was 3. I turn 50 in a month.

But I am quickly discovering that by having a safe space here and all of you, working through that is helping me so very much! It's just hard when this stuff hits me without warning.

Your "thinking Out Loud" is extremely helpful for me friend. I do it a lot in my posts here too and it's really helping reveal things to me that I otherwise hide from myself quite well.

I'm also very impressed about your understanding and knowledge of the "Structural Dissociation Theory". Your insights and understanding of it are far more than any "Clinician" or "Professional" I've ever met out side of Boston's International Conference on Trauma! I'm actually so very impressed with most other's here as far as being really well read and knowledgeable on this as I'm very glad to see! Kudos!

Sorry for the tangent.

I sometimes feel I spend more time in my inner world than outer? Well actually I know I do! My "ANP" is a wreck from PTSD and all this stuff, so can hardly function doing the simple things that most people take for granted, like eating, maintenance chores, self care etc. I think that's why I spend so much time in my inner world? It's something I have always done to a large degree, just has gotten much worse in the past 5 years or so since this stuff took me out cold. Besides staring at and licking walls gets so boring so quickly.

I think my Marky Chris who is the youngest to my knowledge and is just now coming out (in more ways than one it seems), is still very much trapped in that black out in the dark hiding and frozen in terror and can hardly breathe in fear he will be found. I'm learning quickly that That's pretty much where my "Depersonalization" and Shut down are coming from when he fronts.

I think for me, It certainly seems like I also have two inner worlds as well. One inner world that is my Main (host- "A-FUBAR-P" (or ANP)) "Mark's". And then there is the Inner world of my "Peeps". They have some overlap between the two, but not very much. It's like "What Happens in their Inner World, Stays in their Inner World" and I am only shown the fringes that they feel ok about. It's hard to put into words really.

I "See" them along the edges of my inner world and hear them but it's usually from a small distance like 20 feet or so. There is a pretty dark entryway with a long hall to the left up from it, with some doors that they use along it. The doors just down the hall I can barely seen but hear them and know they are there. But the first door or two are closer and can hear much better behind them when they are closed. I catch them peeking around the corner on the left at times, sometimes 3 at a time like little kids waiting to see Santa Clause on Christmas Night. They laugh, giggle and make funny remarks and then ditch back into the dark hallway again. It's like a game almost with them.

Note to self; I counted three but only know of two?

This is how I have seen them for ages usually. Well from my host's inner world. I just realized that the Hallway was the one in the house I grew up in my whole life, but didn't realize it until now because was always so dark. I have been calling that hallway the "Peanut Gallery" for years.

Now what's really odd to me is when they front how the whole Inner World shifts dramatically!

When I switch the whole scene instantly shifts from that perspective to a much more vibrant world depending on who is fronting. It's like they are experiencing the outer world but through their own glasses unique to each one. And the Host's becomes very distant and far away during this time. Still very much there but much more distant like 50 feet away rather than closer while he is there.Or in Marky Chris's case when he is frozen and shut down none at all for a while. Just Gone and dead silent.

Another thing is that while one or more is fronting (mine blend a lot) I can see through their eyes and experience through them, but like I said is a difference in perspective and all that goes with it. Also My Host can remember all of it and so rarely black out.

But again here is what seems oddest to me somehow, is that even though the host can remember and see through their eyes and all that ( god that freaks me out saying that), he has no clue as to what is under the surface. It's like they are all very sneaky and have known about how effective those metal colanders with tin foil covering them are, and all wear them to keep me from knowing what is going on inside them!

I can "feel" what's going on and try to guess at it, but feels like I am just blind guessing so much of the time. I can ask them and so on, but it's really not like I have any inner connection to their worlds. That's kind of why I described it in the way I did. It's like I can sense on the surface to some small degree what is happening internally with them, but not very much at all yet.

Sadly I have gotten more clues from things we see during my PTSD flashbacks, which are just snippets and fragments without words.

There are a few exceptions to this but for the most part that is my "Norm" when it comes to this.

So to tidy this up some, in retrospect now, I think I would describe it as My Host (me) has his own Inner World where he spends far too much time in during the day, and my "Peeps" have their own and the host is not privy to yet. The Overlap which is very small takes place usually in my old hallway when I am doing my own thing or want to talk with them.

Also interesting enough now that I know it's my old hallway, I don't think they seem to like or ever go down the hall to the living room and kitchen etc. It's like all the doors and their rooms are off the hall way almost just like how it really was. I hope they are enjoying the scenic Ocean View from my Folks sun room? I sure miss it!
Actually it's still the old deck for them before that was built.
So prior to my 3rd grade.
Which are my two littles.
That just triggered them.
I can feel it intensely from this end, but no communication or insight as to why or what.

So many things in your post trigger the daylight out of me. It's totally cool and I find it very helpful as to try and figure out what is going on with the Boys. When they get triggered it means it's Way too close to Home and is very close to the Mark (in this case I think Marky). I think we share the same sorts of experiences it seems and why your descriptions seems so close to mine for the most part.

Post by PlanetIcarus » Thu Apr 19, 2018 7:29 am

I don't have an access to the inner world, I don't have a body in there. ( I've heard somewhere that the core personality/personalities don't have that?? ) I think I have many separate inner worlds that are all quite small.

Same here too.

Like that Elias is just standing in the bathroom. There's nothing else for him. I have no clue what would be outside the door. Some parts are living in a time that has stopped.

One is alone in a beautiful apartment (the place where he has split from me). He can walk there, but it's quiet and nothing is happening, except him being there.

An other one is in the very same apartment, for the same reason, but those two are like in parallel universes, they can't communicate straight, but they know about each other, and I think they have some kind of connection.

It's so much like that for my Little Marky Chris too. I can't even tell you how I know, how I know that my Marky is frozen in a dark place where time has stopped at the moment? I think I can see that when he gets triggered and thrown out front frozen in fear?

With my little Cody I have seen snippets in Flashbacks which in reality (funny to mention that in this sentence), they are really "Marky Chris'" Memories. But are coming from Cody instead. *shrugs*

I think all my parts that I would think are more emotional parts, are this way, their worlds are separate and small and time doesn't exist. When they front, it's almost like an accident for them, they don't understand the real world, they don't know time or place, and they understand other people very twisted ways, thru their traumas only.

That is exactly spot on for Marky when he fronts! is an accident, and thrown out into a mess in the outside world and is in a state of shock and frozen in the Parasympathetic Nervous System response! It's incredibly intense are is all alone. 100% frontage in shock.

But for apparently normal parts inner world is larger and some of them know each other inside, so they can speak in there and do stuff together without me knowing. I know Nooa and Jonathan hang out together sometimes

That is the case with some of mine too. It's sad really to call my Little who slides but likes to hang between 5 and 7 most of the time as my "Apparently Normal Personality", but in truth he can function in daily living far more than the host can usually. Even with his age. He often does much of the daily outside world fronting for that reason. I think his primary role is to "Distract" and steer far from the tender spots as possible as much as he can. But he is very high functioning and so also carries much of the outer world affairs as well. It's not fare to him as a Boy to have to do that sort of thing and I feel badly about it often.

Also he too is close to Marky and some of the others. And like I said am not privy to any of it as well.

For us it would be dangerous if certain parts would meet and realize they have existed at the same time in the same body.

I think it's for safety, why their worlds are so small.

I don't know are they really completely separate, or if they would just go outside where they are at, could they found each other?

I have a theory there may be two different worlds, one for parts from Elias's side and one for parts from my side.

And this last part I had to break down is the Super Trigger out of this whole thing!

After reading it to highlight for this quote, I just came to, standing in my kitchen and had a short black out as to how or why I was standing there. And again completely clueless as to how or why it's such a trigger to me out of all of these posts? The first two sentences are the ones!

The last sentence is my two worlds. The first inner world is "Mine" the host's inner world meeting up with My other main ANP's (Cody), but he is of their inner world, although fronts a lot. He is the closest link I have to both and is very limited for me.

I can "see" most parts from time to time, not when ever I want. But I don't really have any "physical" access to where they are. I may get connected with the boys in the apartment, but I can't go inside the apartment and be with them.

Do you have bodies in your inner worlds? Or can you just look in there?

No I don't have any sort of "Body" or way to really interact really in that sense either in mine. I can only "See" them and "Speak to/with them". I can try and call them and they MIGHT respond but often is like they are somewhere else or are just ignoring me. I don't have access to see behind their doors, although I can usually "Hear" things coming from within their rooms. I sometimes get a glimpse inside their spaces when they open the door some to talk with me. But I can't just open the door and walk in. They show me only what they want me to see and have no control over that at all. They use images as much or even more than they use words.

Well besides all their constant Comments from the "Peanut Gallery!" Which I have to admit are very witty and hilarious most of the time and constantly having me bursting out loud with laughter which on the outside must seem very random. It often catches me off guard and is out of left field usually and never see it coming.

I hope you don't mind PlanetIcarus for me using your quotes the way I did to try and describe my own experiences? I tried my best to do it on my own and well you see how well that turned out. You just have a much better way of describing my experiences in a way that makes more sense even to me and we are saying I think the very same things. You are very bright and gifted in many ways.

Although these sorts of posts are very Triggery for me due to them being so close to home (my Traumas), They happen in a very safe way and space and allow me to work them out safely which I can't tell you how healing that really is for me!

These exercises or work (however you want to call them) are having a very positive effect upon my daily experiences. It's just now I think only been 3 weeks since Marky Chris first came out here because of all of your support and shared experiences and is far more than the past 47 years prior.

This Morning alone he had a dream and it was him showing me in his own way a glimpse into that black out that started all of this when he was 3 years old. I was woken up early from it by a stupid phone call and when I went back to sleep it didn't go back to that dream and forgot almost all of it but the bare essence of it all. But it was certainly a healing moment for us and huge in and of it's self! And I KNOW it's a direct result of being in here and discussing all these things with ALL of you!

So Thank You All for yet again another really profoundly healing thread!

I started to say "This is the best thing since"..."Legos" was what came from the boys in the Peanut Gallery!

See what I mean?

You have no Idea how good it feels to say "Boys" as in Plural and not just Cody anymore! Marky Chris is Healing!

I've gone on far too long yet again.
But Thank You all! (((HUGZ)))

Sincerly
Lumpy

I think this could be an interesting read on the subject for some of you too.

https://www.discussingdissociation.com/ ... unication/