Telling a family member

My sister after 4 years has finally asked me why I don't talk to my parents(abusers).

I told my family that I had DID about 4 years ago, no questions were asked about it.
( I never directly told them what happened, and who caused the DID. From what I have gathered online, this forum, and readings that telling my family would not go well. That I would not be believed, I would be ignored, or ostracized, etc. and I agree that is what would happen. I didn't want to put myself through that. So I guess in the end, I never told them because I didn't want to close that door to them completely) I stopped talking to them around this time, but have kept in touch with my sister, mostly texting, saying hi every month or so. superficial stuff.

We have thought about telling her, but first off I want to protect her, I don't know if she can handle that stress in her life. She has a bunch of kids to look after. A little background on her... she experienced the same abuse I did. She has DID that she doesn't know about. I don't want to set off a chain reaction in her, and I don't think she would be able to get away from life in that abusive family. Be able to get therapy, or have any support from those around her.

My second concern is how smarmy, angry, and bitter I would be in telling her. (these feelings about telling her in this way are coming from specific alters, but I don't really blame them) The first member of my family after 4 years asked me what happened.... I can't believe those people. Like why should I even talk to those people at all? They suck.

I'm also concerned on how it will affect my current life, living with my cousins. They are good people and had a really different life than my family, so they are far removed from how my immediate family is, and dont have much of a clue on why I dont talk to my family, or know about my DID. I really like them, and I don't really want to lose them. I wouldn't have much if they weren't around. (they are narcissists, so support is limited from them, but it is better than nothing.)

My question is on how i should proceed. I would appreciate any input.

I'm no expert on this, but you may want to start by turning it around and asking her why she has decided to ask you this now. Maybe there is something she is wondering about that has led her finally pose the question. Once you know why she is asking, then that might help you figure out the best way to answer it. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You can give her a very simple, limited explanation, and leave it at that. If that's not enough for her, she can let you know, and you can answer any further specific questions if you want to.

I asked her why she is asking now. She said she was afraid to ask because she didn't want to be cut out of my life like I did my other family members. Also that she wasn't sure why I told her I didn't want to accept a letter from my parents sent by her.

She said she was waiting on me to say something.

I am so angry about this. What kind of excuse is that? I guess reaching out to family members when I am at my worst wasn't enough??

TheGangsAllHere, she ended up telling me that she doesn't need an in-depth answer and I am glad you recommended to do that first. thank you. It got me out of my all or nothing thinking pattern on that subject.

I have been trying to come up with a way to respond without her not needing an in-depth answer. I don't know where to start. I mean if I say I was abused by them, she probably wont believe me because she probably doesn't remember any of that. What do I say? Maybe that is the simple answer I can give: I was abused by them, that is why I dont want to talk to them.

Hi robotfun,

So the situation is this: Your sister asked you why you don't talk to your parents and is wondering why you wouldn't even accept a letter from them. She didn't ask before because she was worried you would just stop talking to her. Do I have that right?

Do you have a T to discuss this with? Because that would be the most helpful.

But if you don't, I think you can keep your answer in the present if you don't want to bring up something she is in denial about. Think about exactly why you don't talk to them now, since they are not currently abusing you (I'm not saying you should be talking to them!! Just be clear about it for yourself before you answer her). For example, your answer might be that you have realized that talking to them is really bad for your mental health and you are trying to improve things, not make them worse. Then it would be up to her to ask why talking to them is bad for you. Then your answer might be that it brings up very bad memories and feelings (if that's true). Then it would be up to her to ask what memories it brings up. Etc. Just starting from the simplest specific answer in the present, because it's the present that she is asking about.

But again, I've never told a family member, and I did cut off contact with my parents for many years and now have mostly very superficial contact with them. So I am far from an expert on this kind of thing!

I don't know what you should do, but I've got the same question from my brother the last year, maybe it could help you ?

He's 4yo younger than me, and our father never do to him what he did to me. Mainly because my brother was an easy-crying child while I wasn't, so it was more fun to "play" with me rather than him.

Also I'm the kind of people who think that if someone ask something, it's because that person is ready to know or need to know the answer. So when he asked me that, we went into my bedroom, sat on the bed, and I took few minutes to know how I was gonna say all of this without telling him about my system (I don't want my father to know about that and my brother talks a little bit too much sometimes), without making him feel ashamed, and without upseting him too much.
And without wenting into an argument.

My brother, who's also dissociative (I don't know if it's as deep as me, but that wouldn't surprise me), don't remember a lot a things about our childhood, and the few he remembers, he avoid it. I'm not even sure he knows he's avoiding it, but I know that look too well. I had the same.
When our parents went into divorce, I was 14 and he was 10. Our father was still a part of our life until I was 16 and decided to not come back to his place. He wasn't abusive to me anymore, because he was affraid of losing us, but he was still unstable and I didn't trusted him. And also, he started to use me against my mom.
Neither my father or my brother understood why I stopped to go to his place, stopped to talk to him and ask for him to never come back in my life.

When my brother decided to go and live with our father 3 years ago, my mom was really pissed off, they went into an argument, and when my mom told him "you don't remember what he did to us ? To your sister ?", my brother answered "No. And maybe she's lying, she hates him !"
It was the most painfull thing I never heard. My brother and I were used to be almost like twins.
But that's because I know him better than anyone that I knew he didn't do this to hurt me. He just didn't know who was telling the truth between us and our father. What I was saying wasn't compatible with the image he had of our father and it was confusing as hell for him. I can understand that well, the same confusion is a part of the why our system were created.

So last year, after two years of living with our father and seeing with his own eyes how unstable the guy could be, my brother asked me why I don't want to see him and to talk to him again. He told me our father started to do a psychotherapy, started to change, and okay the guy isn't perfect, but why I hate him like that ?
I told him that when we were kids, our father was violent and humiliate me a lot. I tried to give him a second chance, and it happen again, so I decided to never come back 'cause he harmed me too much.
I told him just that, this way.
My brother wanted an exemple of violence, so I told him the only two moments that I remember well enough at this time, and my brother admit he didn't remember those two. I reassured him, telling him he was only 3/4yo at this time, so it's normal.

Then I told him that all of those things were only between our father and I, and had nothing to do with him (my brother). I told him his relationship with our father always have been a little bit different than mine, so I can understand he wants to stay with our father, and I'm not angry at him for that. I told him that I'm glad he can have an almost-healthy relationship with our father, and asked him to be carefull anyway. He told me he already was because he saw that our father could be irresponsible sometimes.
I also asked him to not try to bring our father back in my life, saying that if one day, I want him back in my life, I would need to do it by myself. He understood and promise to not do that.

I hope it will be okay for you. Telling someone else, specially family, isn't something easy.