Confused about the system

Dear everybody,

My crisis doesn't seem to get better, and it's exhausting me. It's been seven months now since I've first discovered I do in fact have parts, and in stead of learning, I'm overwhelmed all the time.

I all of the sudden have no clue what so ever about the names and 'functions' I thought I'd figured out, no clue what so ever about the trauma's causing all of this and I just basically told a person we all kinda love dearly to *** off. This person knows us for twelve years and accepts this, and we still told him to *** off because of 'alarming' things that aren't alarming at all, but human.

I thought I had a few teams in stead of seperate parts, turns out I have teams in two languages, who also think differently. Everybody seems to run in circles, 'fight' for 'fronting', and I don't know which thoughts or feelings are mine or from other parts.

I seem to switch A LOT - with co- awareness the whole freaking time - because I can't even feel the same about something or somebody for five whole damn minutes. My T thinks it's kinda a miracle I 'lasted this long' without anybody, including me, noticing, considering the crisis I am in now. I think so too. Although I also discover lots of alarming stuff about me while I was 'functioning'. A very scary one is that when I had a 'big job', I just did not exist outside of working hours. When working, I was a manager who had it all under control, when not working I was a zombi who didn't even eat. I'd just sit there or lay down until it was time to go to work again. Very, very scary thought that makes me dissociate just because of the thought.

Can anybody please tell me, if anybody knows, how I can figure out my system, to get a grip, without going into the trauma's, or without dissociating because of how scary the system itself sometimes feels to me?

Thank you in advance

what would happen if you let go for a while, focus on stability in your outside life, eating, sleeping, self-care, regularly?

I mention this because we have spoken about programming before... sometimes there are alters in a system trying to actively keep your from exploring the system by creating confusion, fog, dizziness or similar things. The harder you try to work with the system the more active the confusers get.

If we were in your situation our T would insist we stop all inner explorations and focus on outside life functioning only. she would probably mention supportive medication as well.
if you are in a hole you have to stop digging.
What I would do is take notes about everything that comes up. in a mindful way, which means without emotional envolvement. just noticing it, then write it down and move on with the stability plan of making daily life work. it doesnt have to make sense now.

I agree with Birdsong. I fall into the trap of trying to figure out ALL. THE. THINGS. now.

And then I lose sight of just what it means to try to take care of myself day in and day out.

It's such a hard balance to strike. I'm sorry things are so overwhelming right now.

Thank you, L, for finding the time for this despite of your own struggles.

I remember the conversations about programming, yes, and I even think that writing down what comes to mind is being sabotaged. Sometimes I can't even move when I want to. So it just stays in my mind, along with many, many other thoughts and feelings, or it disappears to come back.

We went back to the T because there is nothing else, and now she told us to indeed stop with the exploring BUT she has to meet the 'bad teams' in order to get them to work a long. Is this a good step, of hers? Does she know what she is doing? She first told me that she 'believes me' as far as the cult suspicions go, now she told me she thinks my mother caused the DID with 'normal' abuse. Maybe she did to keep me from exploring the cult stuff, but she, AGAIN, doesn't come across as very skilled, I'm afraid!

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Hi Menagerie,

Thank you! Such a hard balance indeed!

Just realised this makes me panic a lot as well; I doubt my T so much. And I can't afford another breakdown because of mistakes and such.

you are in control of your therapy.
if you dont want to talk about things with her you dont have to. you can say no.
we know DID Ts who go for the "dark" ones first to stop the sabotaging.
It might not be necessary. but every system is different and it is hard to say what is right or wrong.
you might have to risk trust. there are no guarantees
right now you want to step out of all those feelings and thoughts and get grounded. you sounds like you are in hyper arousal and that is not getting you anywhere.
do you know the basic containment exercise? that could be helpful.

Thank you, L. I got some medication to relax and I'm going to try and focus purely on here and now; grounding, cleaning the house, etc. There are things in my private situation (too private to discuss here) that are complicating stuff bigtime, but I'll just have to deal with it all and try not to lose my sanity. In a few months I'm going to a clinic; I'll try to calm others down by reminding ourselves that we will in fact get to the figuring out stuff once we are there. Now, with this T, we'll focus on getting stable. We'll just have to wait a while for the proper treatment and help (where my T works, there also is a crisiscentre, but they aren't trained for DID, so they can't help me; I have nowhere to go when things go bad; this is also scary. In the clinic I can let go more)

I am going for mindful cleaning today too. it is very grounding.

Good luck! Hope it will help the both of us.

Thanks again, dear L and Menagerie!

While cleaning (this made a very scary 'fog' vanish, finally), I've discovered what scares me most, to my surprise; my young parts. It feels horrific to give in to their urges; ways of speaking, drawing, what they'd like to eat and watch on the computer; kid stuff. I've never been a child, and one of the reasons my T scares me so much sometimes is because she is very sweet when I'm young. This upsets others who feel embarressed or who think she only knows how to deal with the younger ones.

But I am calm now, finally, got me some answers without digging:)

Thanks again.

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Have to have me some discipline now; no trauma's, no digging, no puzzling, no complicated situation with 'normals'. Keep things very calm for now.