An update, with questions.

So here I am. It's been a while since I last posted. I feel comfortable enough now that I'm going to update my signature after I finish this (I had done that previously but then deleted it because of privacy/safety concerns. It was actually a bone of contention for awhile).

So here I am. I have been officially diagnosed DID and PTSD, although that's still not on the paperwork.

I've had one session of EMDR. I'm not sure if it helped, but I didn't have an overload of traumatic memories or the flooding as in the warnings. I did switch. I have no emotional memory for that part of the EMDR, just know I was braced for pain, was crying but trying not to, and then I was me again, not crying, not remembering, and not connected to what had happened. My T was saying, you know it's ok to cry in here. And I was like, obviously, I've got a Kleenex in my hand and all. But I wasn't really sure what it was about because none of it was connected to me.

That was two appointments ago.

Last appointment, he mentioned possibly referring me to a hypnotherapist. He said something about my access to the trauma. I don't remember exactly. I'm intending to ask on Friday.

Work is recommending I apply for intermittent FMLA. I need to have the paperwork in by the 11th. T has said he will fill it out but will need to use actual dx rather than the stand-in of other specified trauma and stressor related disorder on the paperwork (and thus on insurance paperwork) in order for it to really work. I understand but I hate the idea of my insurance knowing it's DID and my work knowing is just completely awful. On the other hand, most days I can do my job and go over and above the call of duty, but some days I can't really function. So a little leeway granted because I'm having a rough time would be good. T said my symptoms definitely do qualify, while I'm feeling like I can mostly cope and going this route is like gaming the system and I should just suck it up.

RN who sees me in place of actual doc has prescribed trazadone for sleep and vistaril for anxiety. I was on trazadone previously and it worked well. New side effects likely related to the addition of vistaril include dry mouth, and incredible drowsiness during the day (25mg at bedtime taken, although it's prn up to 4xday). I can't imagine taking more, I'd be asleep at my desk. I'm very mentally foggy, somewhat dizzy. My blood pressure was high at my appointment 3/30/18 and I've been told to keep an eye on it but that my insomnia, anxiety, and high blood pressure may have been creating a self-perpetuating loop. My blood pressure today was still high, although not as high as on the 30th.

Any advice would be welcome. I'm kind of all over the place these days.

I'll see about fixing my signature later, maybe.

Just want to jump in and say I find it super odd your T would need to put "DID" on any papers. I've always used PTSD - it's a covered disorder and has been enough to quality me for different things. Most people don't inquire much further. Also, I'm curious about the fact that your T wants you to do EMDR and hypnosis to access trauma. Are they trained in trauma/DID/dissociation stuff? I'll let others who know more weigh in, but I just had these thoughts while reading your post. Glad you're here.

Menagerie wrote: want to jump in and say I find it super odd your T would need to put "DID" on any papers. I've always used PTSD - it's a covered disorder and has been enough to quality me for different things.

I don't know, I thought this was needed for the FMLA paperwork. I'll ask him to clarify tomorrow.

Menagerie wrote: Also, I'm curious about the fact that your T wants you to do EMDR and hypnosis to access trauma. Are they trained in trauma/DID/dissociation stuff?

He specializes in trauma and EMDR but not dissociative disorders. There isn't really anyone around here who does. He's working with me through Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation (a workbook) also but we're stuck at chapter five.

One of the co-authors does live near here but she doesn't see patients anymore. I sometimes wonder if he knows what to do with me. Like if I had one bad Boogeyman (one rape, one assault, one bad war trauma) then he'd be fine and could work me through it. But I've got years of systematic trauma and mind training for sex stuff from a family friend, plus other issues since my main caregivers were also abusive/neglectful. I'm a perfect storm of trauma and screwed up childhood (likely nothing new for this forum but still).

Honestly, I hate the idea of relying on FMLA. When Shelley was at the forefront (she was for years, mostly, with Candace), work went much more smoothly. But she's rarely around anymore and I'm just floundering trying to keep all of the paperwork done. I asked and she said she was tired.

Well, I'm exhausted and this is BS. Stuff needs to get done. I don't know how.

Right now you are doing some very hard work and you are not functioning at your normal high level. So yes, this is a job for FMLA. You are not taking advantage. You deserve it, you are worth it, and you are entitled to it. This is just how you obtain your employment benefits that you already earned.

FMLA does 2 things for you: (1) protect your job so that when you are ready to resume full time work it will still be your job and (2) give blanket pre-approval for the hours, days, weeks, months you will be taking off to focus on your self care. This takes some workload off your supervisor.

For FMLA there does need to be a formal diagnosis, meaning a diagnosis listed in DSM-5 or ICD-10 not a casual diagnosis. PTSD should suffice. Else there is Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder, OSDD; that was DDNOS in DSM-IV.

The FMLA should go through HR not your line supervisor, HR should maintain confidentiality, and your line supervisor does not need to know and typically will not be told the diagnosis, only that you have activated FMLA.

For what it is worth, I disclosed my DID to the management stack above me. That gave me, as an employee, legal protections under another law. My management people were awesome: first uncertain, maybe even a little scared, then highly supportive. They needed to consult relevant professionals about what is DID, what impact will it have on my work performance, etc. I got my T to write them a letter explaining that DID is common, vastly under-reported, and is part of why I am so high-functioning but it also has aspects that are personally disabling and currently I am working to mitigate those aspects. Experienced managers understand this very well. No one is always a high performer. High performance requires high maintenance of physical health, mental health, emotional health, financial health.