Do I have DID?

Hi

I've been having a steady decline in my functioning since I turned 30 in March 2015. I believe it started with a flashback of me acting out on my street by deliberately crashing my bike into a neighbour's bike. What followed over the months was some suicidal impulses and the following year some angry lashing out impulses in my head which was scary. But that feeling of being possessed certainly made sense. I still managed to function OK from April 15 to Sept 16. This turned into a complete gradual decline from Oct 2016 to now of being housebound, scared of everything and everyone.

Now 3 years later. And the last week has been absolute hell. I basically went from my dad being my best friend to him being prime suspect in my problems. Over the past week I have had some small minor flashbacks of sex abuse and general emotional dread. There have also been body memories, such as pain, possibly smells and a feeling that I'm going to disintegrate in my bed in such an inhumane manner.

The last few nights I have had some really dark suicidal moments which have been the most severe yet. I can feel the emptiness in my head at times. I don't really have amnesia, well except for possible abuses of early childhood. But I don't usually lose time or find possessions which I can't remember buying. Over the last few days I have been aware of some voices in my head; saying things like "mom enabled evil dad to abuse." These seem to happen in a semi-sleep state. But I do recall them. I also have encountered two names, Jeremy and Brad. And I met a girl with ginger hair, late teens/early 20s who did not tell me her name, but she seemed like some sort of guardian.

And the insomnia is severe. I am currently in contact with a psychiatrist who is also a therapist with experience in dissociative disorders. And I have also been referred to a community mental health team; or I am expecting a call from them within 24 hours. I need some help into managing this crisis. Will this phase last for a long time? What benefits can I get from psychotherapy? I hear it may take years of hard work. I have contacted my brothers recently, people whom I have been estranged from due to the nature of our family. I still live at home with my mom and dad and that probably doesn't help matters. I've no job, some contacts but don't go out often due to the suicidal ideation.

Hope you can be of help. Thanks for reading.

I hope that between the community mental health person and the psychiatrist you get some of your questions answered and get on the path to discovery.

Hello & welcome. Noone here can diagnose you of course, but I've found this forum to be an amazing source of support and information.

-Violet (1)

Sorry it has been soo tough

Thanks for supportive comments.

My mind has calmed down significantly since my first post but emotional issues remain ongoing. After a feel days of better sleep I had another nightmare last night.

I visited my T today and we discussed the possibility of DID. He asked me about parts and I struggled to explain to him exactly what I feel inside. Note how I say “I” instead of “we”, which adds to my confusion. My T feels that my recent experience is significant and that I should try to find out more about my suspected parts.

I told him part of me is scared and childlike while there is an angry part. How do people with DID get to understand their parts when not originally known. Or how did the emergence of parts take place. I’ve also read another user talk about conversion disorder, which is related to emotional issues. I have numbness of parts of body as well. MRI and blood tests have been normal.

Sometimes the emotions are very difficult to manage. I feel fragmented. How do you cope with the initial stages of experiencing a possible dissociative disorder? It feels like I’ve lived a life, died at 30, and I’m now having to rediscover myself. I read someone say now is the chances to get to know the real you, which was uplifting to read.

BluidyMackenzie wrote:I visited my T today and we discussed the possibility of DID. He asked me about parts and I struggled to explain to him exactly what I feel inside. Note how I say “I” instead of “we”, which adds to my confusion. My T feels that my recent experience is significant and that I should try to find out more about my suspected parts.

It sounds like you have a knowledgable T who understands the importance of building internal communication. That's really great!

BluidyMackenzie wrote:I told him part of me is scared and childlike while there is an angry part. How do people with DID get to understand their parts when not originally known. Or how did the emergence of parts take place.

For me, it was a matter of starting to be curious and observant of the feelings and thoughts that were coming up in my mind. Instead of either assuming they were "mine" (all coming from one unified 'person') or pushing them away altogether, I slowly began to just notice them objectively: "Oh, this is how you're feeling right now?" or "When I get this image in my head, these are the feelings that come with it. Is there more for me to know about this?" Essentially, the calm, objective, encouraging, warm presence that my T provides to me, I started to try to provide for my own mind. Journaling with different colored pens helped a lot (I just write in black when I'm not sure who it is, or if it's me, the host-type person).

BluidyMackenzie wrote:Sometimes the emotions are very difficult to manage. I feel fragmented. How do you cope with the initial stages of experiencing a possible dissociative disorder?

Just remember that your system has been managing itself for years without your knowledge! What's new is just your awareness. Let them know that it's important not to overwhelm you, and don't start digging for things like a dog after a bone. Be open and trusting, and wait for them to arise.

That's my 2 cents, FWIW.
the Gang