A State Of Flux

black-and-white thinking is such a struggle, i can definitely relate. it's not a hollow victory, i'm really glad you got through the night okay.

Actually, I think it's a great victory. Sometimes just "not making things worse" is a victory. Celebrate it all. You don't have to answer to your Dad any more.

Menagerie wrote:You don't have to answer to your Dad any more.

This is like, I don't know, haunting me or something. You're right. We don't have to answer to him any more. But it's like, we can still feel his influence all the time. And we still see him regularily in our dreams.

We don't usually remember dreams, but when we do, he's in probably half of them. He's been dead for over 4 years now, but it's like he's still here... and we're still trying to please him, still trying to make him happy, still trying to earn his praise.

I don't know if we actually have an introject 'dad' or if we've just internalized his affect on us.

Lots of changes and disruption in our system this past week. Some temporary blending, lots of confusion, but also some breakthroughs.

Older Violet has been 'gone' for about a month now. She spent 3 weeks or so hiding deep in the void, between inside and outside. Then last week she started moving around, and things were changing.

Several times over the past 10 months since she first emerged, she's found herself overwhelmed by all the responsibilities of life and trying to be 'host' and stuff, and she's said she wanted to go back to how she used to be - basically an insider with her only focus being on heath, diet, fitness, that sort of thing.

I think after seeing that the system kept on functioning without her, that the rest of us managed to keep on going (and that we've made a lot of progress), she decided that we did not need her at all out here. So she's gone back where she came from. I don't know where that is... if she's fully 'inside' or still in the in-between.

Where-ever it is, I don't expect her to come back again. Not anytime soon at least. I think she believes this is best for us all... she is focusing again on stuff that we desperately needed, doing what she was 'created' to do, and without the outside stresses that have been overwhelming her since she replaced Stephanie last year.

When I realized all this, instead of feeling worse and missing her even more, I felt... better. Like things felt settled and my mood got lighter. I still miss being able to talk with her but it's less sad? I don't have the right words to describe it. I think she's happier, and I'm glad for that.

At the same time, Viola has been getting more active. She seems to have shifted more to the front. It feels almost like Viola, Melissa, and myself are co-consious most of the time? Plus Rebecca of course, she's always around. The four of us seem to be the active up-front group. Even if I'm the one who's usually in the drivers seat.

The other day we had a sort of 'communications breakthrough'. Usually when we talk inside, it's one-on-one. Like, I'll talk with Rebecca, find out who else is present, then talk with them, but it's always one at a time.

So the other day I started talking with Rebecca (sometimes it feels like she's the operator or working a switchboard lol) but then Viola jumped into the conversation, and then Melissa too, and all four of us were talking together, like a conference call or group meeting. I was surprised, I've never had that before. It was good.

And I'm practicing on being able to move inside. Not all the way to the inner world yet, but getting into the in-between and actually seeing my headmates, rather than just an empty black void. It's not 'automatic', it's a skill and I'm learning and practicing.

Honestly, I think we're getting into a good teamwork kind of thing. There are 14 of us that I know / have met / experienced. And 2 more that I have no information on at all other than they exist and what 'groups' they fit into.

Of the 14 that I know, there is only one we have a problem with. She's got an animosity towards the rest of us, and we have an aversion to her. The rest... some maybe problematic but we understand them and their role, and can work with them.

Right now I think we need to work more on outside stuff. The system stuff will happen when it happens and I'm not pushing or poking at it. I'm responding when the others bring stuff up or have issues. In fact most of our progress this past month has happened that way - not from me digging, but just responding, being open and encouraging them when they've brought stuff up.

So, this is where we are at the moment. I've updated our signature to reflect the way things are now.

V2

Holy crap, V2, great to read that you're feeling better about this now, and that it's more clear what was happening. You're doing great!!

We're glad things are better, V2. We do hope that the new configuration doesn't leave you vulnerable to burnout, though. Do you have a plan to prevent this?

MDs

i'm glad things feel more settled now, and it's amazing that you made that communication breakthrough too. i hope you guys can feel more at ease.

Thanks everyone! I kinda wish the positive feelings would last more than a day or so lol. Or that I could remember how they felt when something makes me feel bad.

We're still doing ok with this 'new normal', and feeling more co-consiousness between myself and Viola, and Melissa too.

Yesterday I kinda 'receeded' a bit and Melissa watched her cartoons for a few hours while Viola got a bit lost into some hobby stuff. I wasn't really gone as such, I was sort of aware of things, but not so much aware of the passage of time? One minute it was 4pm and the next it was 9pm. I knew what we'd been doing just not that so much time had gone by.

MDs, we don't have any sort of plan right now to prevent burnout. It's something I guess we'll have to deal with if it starts being an issue. I think Viola could take over fully and give me a break, and I know Rebecca can do the same if she has to.

V2

Yesterday we took the day off from work, and spent it with our best friend. We had a nice lunch then went hiking through a forest (in the rain lol.)

It was an interesting experience. Viola took over during lunch because she wanted to talk with our friend, then halfway through the hike she decided she'd had enough of the rain and wet clothes so she went back in and let me take over again. Our friend knows about our DID and is very open to it, she knew we'd switched.

She was asking Viola and then myself some questions about stuff, and we were telling her about the recent progress and what we'd learned and stuff, and it came up that there were two parts we don't know yet. Only that they exist, where they fit in our inner world, and the first letter of their names, 'W' and 'L'.

Viola mentioned a name had been coming up several times in the past week and told our friend what the name was, for the 'L', which got our friend really intrested cos it has some mythological connections. (Our friend is very spiritual and sorta mystical?) Anywas between Viola and me and the friend, the name was mentioned a few times during this hike.

And at the end of it all, our mystery L part popped up and started talking to me. Our friend was reading out some of the mythological stuff about the name, and L---- was making comments on it all.

It was really...wierd? And unexpected? Like having a 'brand new' (like new to me) part just show up and start talking, out of the blue, while we were out visiting someone, just seemed so unusual. It's never happened like that before.

I asked her why she came out now, why she suddenly spoke up now, and she said it was because we finally said her name out loud. I guess like we finally 'called' her? Up till then the name had been in our head a few times but we'd never said it or even written it down.

Anyways I still don't know how old she is. She gave me an image but I don't know if that's what she looks like or if it's meant to be something else. And she does seem sort of spiritual and mystical like our friend, which might also be part of why she chose that time to surface. Our friend said, the hike through the woods was like we ventured into a forest labyrinth and found L---- and brought her out with us.

The last thing I noticed was when L---- came out, Melissa went quiet. I don't know if that's because our brain can like only support 3 or 4 of us at once, or if there's some other stuff going on like Melissa and L---- don't get along or whatever.

And I'm still sort of processing all this.

After it all happened I started feeling denial / doubt feelings again, like saying to our friend it all seems crazy and wierd, like we're sitting there talking with her while I've also got Viola and L---- talking to me in my head and we're acting like this is perfectly normal and not completely insane to be carrying on conversations with a bunch of people in my head.

We also sort of reflected, I checked with our friend, like we didn't dig this up. We didn't sit down and go like 'ok lets get to the bottom of this L mystery'. It was more like we were catching up, telling her about recent progress and developments, and were discussing things, and mentioned a name that our friend knew had mythological meaning. There were some things discussed I'm leaving out because they're personal, but it was just like normal conversation. And at the end, L---- came forward inside and started talking, unexpectedly.

I won't be able to really process it much today tho cos now I have a bunch of work to catch up on from skipping yesterday.

V2

p.s. I'm not ready to share L----'s name yet but I don't know why. We haven't been shy about posting anyone else's name, but something feels like I shouldn't type hers out yet.

Had some more time the past couple days to try and process things. And we had a really good conversation with L---- the other day.

She's very... spiritual, magical, mystical, 'witchy'. She can be kinda vague and ambiguous when talking, sorta like Rebecca in that respect. She has some very unique ideas about life and reality and the outer versus inner worlds. She's kinda fascinating.

Also like Rebecca, L---- sorta insinuates she's ancient / old, but looks like a young teen. She said she'd pass for a 14-yo if we saw her. We haven't actually had a good look at her yet. What we've seen is a figure cloaked in leaves and vines, like wrapped in living things.

The feeling I get is like, a girl with leaves in her hair and dirt on her face, barefoot & muddy, but smiling cos she's excited to show us the pretty snakes and spiders she's found in the roots of this old tree. There's a sense of innocence and purity with her, but also a sense of power and knowledge.

I can't write her name out because she does not like to see it in 'mundane' text. I think she believes names are 'power' and writing them out, especially in 'mundane text' dilutes them. So in our journal I can write it out in 'runes' but on the keyboard it's just L----. Gonna ask if I can use a nickname for her to type out because just using L---- is getting tiring lol.

Actually I don't know if she's even 'human' or she's something supernatural. I don't know where she came from or what her role is in the system. I don't know how long she's been with us. But talking with her, I realized the first time we became aware of her influence was around body age 15 or 16. And I realize the first time we knew her name, was around body age 17 or 18...

So, lots more questions than answers still, but that seems to be the way it goes lol. OTOH it does feel like we've found more puzzle pieces, more stuff that seemed inexplicable in our past, suddenly has an explanation, suddenly makes sense.

V2