A State Of Flux

Decided that it's time to start a 'journey' thread for ourselves. V2 wanted to call it 'What the Flux' but that might have been a little too... something. She still thinks it's funny though. (We've all agreed Flux is our 'system name' or 'team name'. Sort of a family name for all our parts.)

Over the past couple weeks, we've made some progress understanding the 'inner' side of things. In the past couple months, we've started a pair of threads with questions about this aspect of DID:
Inside & Visualizing Parts
Difficulty Communicating Inside

Working with the information and suggestions we've received, working with our 'internal helper' Rebecca, we've had a bit of a breakthrough with what we understand now of this side of things.

V2 and I have only ever really seen an 'endless black void'. We assumed that was Inside for us, and it was just empty because we needed to fill it. Early on, I tried to populate that void with some structures to make it more friendly, but noone ever seemed to be there, noone used the imaginary places I made, so I let them fade away again.

Sometimes we've had a little success finding other parts in the void, but usually we just can't find anyone there. We know it is endless, and we know you can get lost in there if you don't know where you're going.

What we've learned fairly recently, is that this void is not our inner world! It is the boundary, or the in-between, that isolates our inner world from the outer world. It's a sort of limbo. Endlessly vast, but if you know how or if you have access, it's not that far from inside to out.

We've learned that Rebecca is a gatekeeper or manager, for the 'door' between the void and the inner world. She 'lives' in the void, where she can keep an eye on both inside and out. She has told us that when she fronts, that's only a piece of her, the rest remains inside doing her job. Presumably if she goes into the inner world, it's the same thing - only a piece of her would go fully inside, while the rest remains in the in-between.

We've learned that our inside parts can see and hear what happens outside, but we don't know yet how effective or thorough this is. Is it like watching TV for them? Do they have to make an effort to watch / can they tune it out or tune it off? etc. So more questions to be figured out later.

We've learned that when we get flashbacks or feel overwhelming emotions from other parts, that can originate from parts inside, or parts in the void. It's easier for them to reach us on the outside, when they're in the void. Easier for them, more overwhelming for V2 or myself.

We've learned that V2 and I are not (yet) allowed into the inner world. Our jobs are Outside. We will be allowed inside eventually, but Rebecca won't tell us when, or what the criteria is. She has specifically said that my 'job' is Outside. I don't know if V2 is the same.

We also don't know exactly how many there are inside, or how many there are in the void. Presumably Rebecca knows as she's watching all the time, but she always refuses to answer that question.

When I 'disappear' for a length of time, I'm basically just deep into the void. It's a little like sensory-deprivation. Go far enough in there and you're isolated from everything, and time sort of stops.

This black void is not scary or frightening to us, though I have read other systems describe it as such for them. For us it's just empty. I don't know if our inner world has 'barriers' or defences against it, but when we've encountered parts in the void they have never indicated the void to be scary or bad.

While it might sound like a lot of unknowns and rules and stuff, I actually think it's more progress and a bit of a breakthrough, giving V2 and myself a much better understanding of what's going on in our system.

-Violet (1)

The next part of the recent progress, has been through the subject of flashbacks. I started a thread about it not long ago: About Flashbacks

Basically, at the start of March, a new part introduced herself. Her name is Arin, she's 6, she's shy, and she has been watching My Little Pony cartoons with Melissa. Her favourite pony is Fluttershy. That's all I got. No idea what she looks like, she kept herself hidden. She only communicated via writing, which is how I know her name is spelled that way lol. So she might be non-verbal, I don't know.

Shortly after Arin came forward, I / we started getting really bad flashbacks. I'll spare the details as they'd warrant a trigger warning.

Finally we realized these were actually flashbacks -- and that we'd been having flashbacks all along. Our flashbacks do not have a visual or memory aspect, they are purely emotions and sometimes somatic. Once knowing this, we were able to start using grounding techniques to get through them.

This worked more or less, but one aspect of it bothered me a bit. It was basically me treating the flashback as 'the problem' rather than a symptom of something else. And by making the flashback 'go away' I was basically ignoring the symptom / source. I felt like it was sort of stuffing them in a box so they wouldn't bother me. And that didn't feel right.

I started thinking, I knew (or was really sure anyways) these recent flashbacks were from Arin because they started right around the time she introduced herself. I thought, if she can't or won't talk, this is probably her way of asking for attention. If your only tool is a hammer, every problem is a nail, right? She's hitting me with these massive negative emotions because it's all she's got to work with.

So, I've read a lot on here and in books etc, talking about keep the littles safe, have someone inside look after them, have them go to their safe place, their own special place inside, etc etc. And this was making me upset.

I don't know what the inner world looks like. I don't know if they have a safe place. How can I take or send Arin to somewhere safe when I have no idea how to get there, what it looks like or if it even exists at all?! Panic!

I can't get in and help her, I can barely get to the void without 'disappearing', I can't get inside at all. How can I go in, find her, and comfort her? Panic!

And how can I ask someone else to do it, when I only know of a dozen or so, and all the ones I know seem like bad options for a kid in distress? I don't know anyone who'd be good at helping littles. What do I do? Ask a bully or an emotionless observer? No! Panic!

Two days ago, another flashback started in the morning. I was in the middle of a workout (she always picks the morning when I'm working out...) and I didn't want to just do grounding and push her away, but I didn't know what else to do, when it suddenly hit me.

I don't need to know the details. I don't need to know everything about Inside, because it's not my job. I don't need to know who specifically might be there to help her. That's inside and inside is not my job. The system has been running for decades, without me being here and knowing every little fiddly detail. I just have to let it do its thing.

So I asked the one part I know I can talk with, Rebecca. Asked her, are these emotions coming from Arin? Yes. Is she in the void in-between? Yes. Rebecca, can you please ask someone to find Arin, look after her, and take her inside, comfort her, and keep her safe? Ok. A few minutes later the 'flashback' faded away.

I didn't order Rebecca to do anything, and I didn't ask her to do any of it herself. Just asked politely to get someone and ask them to do it. I don't need to know who. I don't even need to know if it's someone I already know. I don't need to know where inside they went. I just needed to know Arin was safe and looked after, and to trust the system to handle it.

And it did.

I'm still sort of learning stuff from that experience. By insisting (to myself) that I must know everything, that I must know inside and out, all the parts, and I must know it now, I was basically saying I have to know how it all works, so I can micro-manage it. Which in turn meant I didn't trust it. Didn't trust the system to be able to function without my scrutiny.

Of course I still want to know everyone, I still want to see what it's like inside. But I don't have to, and I certainly don't need to. It can wait. I just have to do my 'job' of managing outside stuff. V2 will help me. Rebecca will help me. The other parts I know will help, they all have their own roles.

Holy $#%^ this is the most calm and relaxed I've felt in almost four months!

Sorry for the two novella-sized posts hehe. It's been a big week.

-Violet (1)

That's amazing!! So helpful. Wow.

VioletFlux wrote:I don't need to know the details. I don't need to know everything about Inside, because it's not my job. I don't need to know who specifically might be there to help her. That's inside and inside is not my job. The system has been running for decades, without me being here and knowing every little fiddly detail. I just have to let it do its thing...

...I'm still sort of learning stuff from that experience. By insisting (to myself) that I must know everything, that I must know inside and out, all the parts, and I must know it now, I was basically saying I have to know how it all works, so I can micro-manage it. Which in turn meant I didn't trust it. Didn't trust the system to be able to function without my scrutiny.

Of course I still want to know everyone, I still want to see what it's like inside. But I don't have to, and I certainly don't need to. It can wait. I just have to do my 'job' of managing outside stuff. V2 will help me. Rebecca will help me. The other parts I know will help, they all have their own roles.

Holy $#%^ this is the most calm and relaxed I've felt in almost four months!

Sorry for the two novella-sized posts hehe. It's been a big week.

-Violet (1)

That sounds like a great breakthrough, Violet (1)!!! Good work!

I was just confirming with my T the other day that, "I'm not supposed to be like a detective, right?" He agreed, of course.

And that's a great insight, V(1), that going after things so doggedly and trying to figure them out does show a lack of trust. Someone who is trusting just stays open and curious, and sees what comes up. (Hmm, exactly what my T models for me...)

the Gang
P.S. "What the Flux" That's really funny!!

Great title for your journey thread. We're just passing through now, but we're going to read it more thoroughly as soon as we get a chance. We've been really impressed with your posts in general since you've been here.

MDs

I agree with MDs! I've learned a lot from your posts, and as you know we seem to have a couple things in common on our journey. I like the name "Flux" too! I hadn't thought of giving us a name. I just keep calling us "the entity" to indicate the whole us. Glad you started this thread and here's to more self-knowledge and working together.

Thank you all for the kind words. I still feel very much like a noob here... both as a newcomer to the forum, and new to everything else.

This forum and all the wonderful people here have been a tremendous source of support and information so I am very happy that I'm able to contribute and give back to the community where I can. I know V2 feels the same.

Those two lengthy posts seemed to have left me a bit exhausted yesterday though lol, we got our work and stuff done as quickly as possible then turned things over to the littles and their cartoons for the afternoon and early evening.

-Violet (1)

** Trigger warning, mention of self harm **

Yesterday a self-destructive part took over. Not completely, like I was still present and consious, and actually I thought I was still 'me' but I knew I felt a little off. There were times I wasn't sure who I was. It wasn't like when V2 takes over and we know for a fact we're her.

I'm not 100% sure on who this self destructive part is, if we have more than one of them. I think in the past they'd be cutting or self-harming, but what they do nowadays is sabotage our diet. Eat junk food, sweets, overeat... which is more insidious and in the long run a more effective way to 'hurt' me.

Cuts heal, just slap a bandage on them and it's fine. We've got dozens of scars on our arms and hands, I don't even know which ones came from self harm and which ones came from rambunctious cats. There's no guilt or shame, as far as I can tell.

But the diet sabotage, I'll feel guilty for days and days. And it's 'addictive', like you mess up once, makes it so tempting to mess up again. The guilt and shame leaves us vulnerable to negative parts, and vulnerable to turning to food as a comfort. Plus the actual food itself is addictive, with the sugar etc.

And the worst part is, I don't know why we did this. I don't know if I was feeling depressed yesterday, and if so, why. I don't know if I was feeling bad and needed to be 'punished'. Looking in our journal from yesterday, all I know I was frustrated about something, but I've been frustrated about that for a couple weeks... so I don't know what made yesterday special.

Maybe it was just random. Like *ding* time for some subtle self harm.

It doesn't help that V2 has been absent for a few days. I can't begrudge her that, I was absent for a long while so maybe she needs the rest. But I do feel like when it's just me out by myself for a long while, that I get negative.

Meh.

-Violet (1)

We identify with the problem of unhealthy eating. You may want to read this:

Dysfunctional Eating
https://www.psychforums.com/post2025137.html

The thread hasn't been active lately, but we still recommend it as a place to continue the discussion.

MDs

MakersDozn wrote:We identify with the problem of unhealthy eating. You may want to read this:

Dysfunctional Eating
https://www.psychforums.com/post2025137.html

The thread hasn't been active lately, but we still recommend it as a place to continue the discussion.

MDs

Thanks MDs, I'll check that out and make sure V1 sees it too!

VioletFlux wrote:It doesn't help that V2 has been absent for a few days.

I'm back! Dunno why or when exactly. V1 started breakfast cooking and doing some housework, and poof I'm here. Doing her housework and eating her food lol.

I'll catch up on this thread later too. Now I gotta do dishes hehe.

-V2