A State Of Flux

VioletFlux wrote:The last few days we've had this huge emotional churn going on and it feels like its growing bigger. Or i'm just getting tired out from trying to act normal and ignore it and stuff.

It's like, sadness, and anger, and fear, and stress, and anxiety, and its all happening at the same time but each one like bubbles to the surface for a few minutes then sinks away as a different one comes up.

I don't know why any of these feelings is going on, there's nothing happening that would cause them. Things should be less messed up right now, not more.

It also feels like communication has gotten worse or even blocked lately. I tried asking inside last night, twice, and both times I just fell asleep without getting anywhere. I dunno if thats like, someone forcing me to sleep for some reason, or its cos this is exhausting, all these emotions going on nonstop.

V2 posted this stuff in another thread but shoulda been here IMO.

So she did a bike ride this morning and tried talking inside to find stuff out and all that. Kept getting distracted and stuff, but she got some answers.

It's same $#%^ thats been going on since like start of may or something? Bunch of littles inside with all our worst / oldest trauma $#%^, & everything's all stirred up and it's like everything in there's on red alert and $#%^.

Like communication is hard cos it's a nonstop crisis in there. Parts are hiding, other parts are freaking out, and its been like what, three months now? And it's like we haven't made one step progress in months? We got some names and a bit of info on some of these troubled kids and that's it.

And out front here, Arin and V2 are like, they can feel all the crazy $#%^ going on inside but sometimes its like they don't realize they're feeling it? And it just makes everything out here so much more difficult. And it's ######6 exhausting cos like, you're just trying to work or relax or do whatever, and there's like a half dozen people deep in the back of your head screaming and crying and $#%^ and its just burning through all our energy.

So after the bike ride v2 got back home and two little minor things went wrong and she just lost her $#%^ cos it was like, she just couldn't take anything else. So I had to take over way early.

Viola

Someone inside went hard into denial yesterday...

Viola was looking at pictures in our phone or something and there was this reaction of being freaked out. Like, its the same phone, same selfie app, same face, same everything. But my pics, and Arins pics, and Violas pics, are all visibly different.

Like even when we're basically doing the same exact thing, it's visibly different?

And that set someone off inside, into like a spiral of freaking out about denial and saying we're making itt all up and stuff. For some reason getting confronted with like, 'hard proof' triggers someone, for some reason.

Viola tho she doesn't let herself get caught up in it. She just lets whoever it is tire themself out. She doesn't like try to shut them up or push them away? Just like, listens and it just kinda goes over her and around her but doesn't pull her along into it?

Now I type that and suddenly think, I wonder if that's like the mindfulness stuff we were told about before. Like, just being aware of stuff without letting it get to you...

Anyways I think this is her biggest help to the rest of us. When we all freak out, she can just be chill and not get dragged into the freakout with everyone else.

V2

I noticed that you changed your username, so I'm curious about it, but you don't have to explain if you don't want to. Amythyst is a very pretty name, and I know they're usually violet-colored, so that's a cool choice.

Hi Gang,

We'd rather not go into details about the username stuff. Just hoping it doesn't cause too much confusion or whatever for folks.

V2

Noted. We were about to ask as well, so thank you for explaining.

MDs

Hi MDs,

Sorry it's complicated and stuff. We liked the original name and stuff, and were really reluctant to change it, but we kinda had to. I can't explain more cos I might get into trouble.

V2

No worries, V2. It's okay.

MDs

Hi V2,

I'm just glad you guys write stuff on the forum. It's ok if you want to change your username.

Iain

You don't have to explain. It was just pure curiosity on my part.

Partly because I didn't know that it was actually possible to do that. I think I sort of thought one would have to have a whole new account to change their username. So it's cool if that's something we could do if we wanted. to.

Thank you Iain. We like it here cos everyones so friendly and helpful and nice.

Gang it was one of the mod people who did it for us.

V2 says were probably gonna start a new jorney thread someday cos this one is named for the old name and stuff.

Melissa & V2