A State Of Flux

Hi V2,

I think you're totally answering your own question about the T. You shouldn't have to put up with that. The canceling is just unacceptable, in my opinion. Especially when you're going through a stressful experience.

Yeah, six times in nine months feels to us as if she either isn't 'fit for the job' and that's sad but clients clearly can't depend on her, or she doesn't take it seriously, thinks too easily about it all. In all cases she's not taking her responsibility that comes with this profession. And we're very sorry you're in this situation, VioletFlux. There are more T's out there, you deserve good help with this. And you're doing so much work yourself already; with a good T your progress will fly through the roof!

Thanks Gang, Bejer.

We keep going back and forth on this. It's so hard to come to a consensus. There is also some shame, which we don't understand.

Perhaps shame that we've stayed with her so long despite these problems and quitting means admitting we made a mistake with her, or why didn't we quit sooner instead of letting things go till it was even more so. I don't really know, nor do I know what will happen when we do finally see her.

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I don't remember where it was discussed, which thread or whatever, but I recall reading a discussion about how we (i.e. people with DID) can worry about singletons seeing us switch or figuring us out because they see our different selves etc.

Interesting observation today along those lines. We had breakfast with a friend this morning. She knows about our DID. I had taken over from V2 prior to meeting the friend.

She sat down with us and immediately commented "What's wrong, you look different today?" and I said "Just tired." and she nodded and that was the end of that. Through the course of the conversation I inadvertantly referred to Violet in 3rd person a couple times, but she did not notice or catch that either.

So here's someone who knows about our DID and even though she instantly could tell something was 'off' she didn't actually know I wasn't her regular breakfast friend. And even when I slipped up talking about Violet as someone else, she didn't clue in.

My conclusion is, singletons have no idea whatsoever. Unless they're actually specifically watching for it or perhaps expecting it.

Viola

Thinking about older Violet aka V1 again.

After she was gone for 4 weeks, there was a day when I was all uptight and worried that she and I had fused. Our handwriting in our journal was 'hers', we weren't sure who we were, everything was confusing.

Then after that, I was 'me' again, and everything sort of settled and I was told V1 had gone back to her original thing inside, just influencing for diet and fitness. I accepted that.

But. I noticed little things.

One of her little quirks, I noticed I was doing sometimes. I noticed I kept forgetting to put on lipstick or do our nails; well V1 never cared about makeup. Other little things I've noticed too over the past month, things that were 'her' and were now things I'm doing or thinking. And V1 never answered when I did try and talk inside, never responded when I tried sending a message inside for her. Nobody else mentioned her either.

I didn't say anything though, didn't question it. Didn't want to think about it.

In hospital, I think the night after the surgery when we were still kinda hopped up on a bunch of drugs, I overheard Rebecca talking with someone else inside. And I think I overheard them say, or allude to, me and V1 being merged.

And all this has been weighing on me since then.

I don't exactly feel betrayed. I don't feel upset that they lied to me, if they did. But... I feel sad again.

Like, I don't feel 'less' me. I don't feel like I've 'lost' anything except I am aware that I seem to have lost my desire to wear makeup... or less uptight about appearance in general, since I haven't been bothered with getting a much-needed haircut, or do my nails or whatever. I recognize that those were things I was concerned about a month or two ago, and am not concerned about now. But I don't 'miss' those things?

I still feel like the same 16yo inside. I still like my music. I have been watching V1's documentary shows, thinking I was doing it 'for her inside' but I don't know any more. I do not feel any more inspired towards diet or health than I did before...

I don't know what to think I guess. I'm sad tho because I feel the loss of her. I feel like if she somehow fused with me, it didn't work like she hoped or wanted it to. And I feel like over-all we are worse off for it.

It's hard writing this out today because writing out these thoughts and fears I've had for the past few weeks makes them feel a lot more real. It's not a vague uncomfortable feeling I can ignore or distract myself from. It's detailed and analyzed.

I dunno. I just feel sad about it.

Violet

p.s. that's another thing...lately I've been feeling more like 'Violet' than 'V2'. Like, there's been less 'distinction' requiring the number. I still sometimes use the distinction 'teen Violet' cos I want people to understand that it's a 16yo in here, not some old lady named Violet. But... again I dunno.

that sounds really tough, i'm sorry. is there any way you could ask rebecca or anyone else inside about what's really going on?

the way you described it makes me wonder if not all of v1 merged with you, or maybe you're not merged all the time? it could be that she merges a little with you but not all of her ends up crossing the boundary, if that makes sense. either that or i was wondering if an "after-image" of her was left behind after she went inside, and that "after-image" is what has "merged" with you.

the only reason i ask is when others front in our system, sometimes it's like there's an "after-image" of me (alice) stuck at the front, initially anyway. jones put it another way - my butt has been so firmly sat in the Host Chair for so long that anyone else sitting in it ends up hit with an "essence of alice" they can usually shake it off after a while, but it can make things a little confusing at first.

i don't know how applicable that is, i just wondered. either way, if it's possible to find out the truth from someone inside that might help. self-care and generally taking some time out might help too. i really hope you feel better soon.

Thanks raptureblues.

I dunno... we read somewhere, but I don't remember where, that merging or fusing is not like 'simple addition'. Stuff can get lost.

Like, the analogy was, take a system with 5 alters. One likes baseball, one is a football fanatic, one loves hockey, one loves figure skating, and one likes golf. The system integrates or fuses. They don't necessarily end up a single person who's passionate about five sports. Maybe in the end, they wind up only being into baseball. Or maybe they end up into something completely different entirely. Curling, or basketball or whatever.

That scared us because we don't like the thought that merging/fusing/integrating means stuff could get lost along the way.

But that's how it feels today... if that's what happened then it feels to me like a lot of her simply isn't there. Like "I" am 85% the same "me" i was a month or two ago... so a little bit of me is gone, and a whole lot of her is gone.

That's probably not accurate either, another big oversimplification, but that's the sentiment.

Ontop of that of course is the feel that I've lost someone I was really close to, and didn't even know she was gone till it was far too late.

Violet

i understand, i think i misunderstood what merging meant, i'm sorry. it sounds really tough, i can't even imagine losing any of the others like that, especially since i've only just started getting used to things.

i don't know what to say, offering hugs if you'd want/need them.

VioletFlux wrote:I dunno... we read somewhere, but I don't remember where, that merging or fusing is not like 'simple addition'. Stuff can get lost.

Like, the analogy was, take a system with 5 alters. One likes baseball, one is a football fanatic, one loves hockey, one loves figure skating, and one likes golf. The system integrates or fuses. They don't necessarily end up a single person who's passionate about five sports. Maybe in the end, they wind up only being into baseball. Or maybe they end up into something completely different entirely. Curling, or basketball or whatever.

That scared us because we don't like the thought that merging/fusing/integrating means stuff could get lost along the way.

Violet

That doesn't sound right to me. I mean, in general people's interests can change over time, but if there is something that you truly enjoy in the present, or an aspect or trait that is fundamental to the system, I don't see how or why it would go away.

The way I imagine it (which could be wrong, for sure), is that if there is a part that has an interest that is part of being stuck in a certain time, then that might go away, because over time, that interest would change. Does that make sense? A singleton might have a phase where they are really into figure skating, and then they decide that they like hockey better, so they are really into that for awhile, then they find that they love the strategy involved in football, and like to watch that better than hockey, etc.

But if you have parts stuck in those different times, then they continue to like each of those things. When they merge (not that I really know what that means exactly), those interests might fade and they find that they like to watch tennis. Or maybe their interest in figure skating re-emerges and they remember how much they love to watch or do that.

I mean an interest or a trait can be "lost," but not necessarily in a way that you would miss--it's just no longer part of who you are.

I don't know, maybe I just don't understand it at all. But I don't think you can draw any conclusions about how things will be from now on. However they are right now might just be temporary, so it's probably not worth being too worried about it. What I've read about integration or merging is that the parts involved feel positive about it--like they have everything they ever had that was important--they're together in a good way, not in a way that feels like something has been lost.

Thanks Gang,

Yeah I guess a big part of this is I just don't know what's happening or what's really happened.

Like I said, in regards to V1 there's what I was told happened, and what I've observed / experienced since she disappeared. And they don't add up. So I'm trying to make sense of it all and I don't like where my reasoning is taking me.

At the end of the day, I have no idea where she is or what's happened. Maybe she is Inside and I'm just feeling her through passive influence. Maybe she's gone and I've absorbed parts of her, and the rest of her is still out there somewhere. Maybe it's something entirely different that I can't even imagine.

I just don't know and I wish I did.

All I do know is, things don't feel like they fit with what I was told, and I am consious of some minor changes in what I consider to be me that align with what I considered to be her.

Oh, and we have a thing where whatever we fear the most always comes true. So for previous host it was losing her memory and 'death of self' / having someone else take over her body and life, which is exactly what happened to her. For V1 it was finding out we had a bunch of littles that could take front or embarass her, which turned out to be true, and for me, it was undesired fusion, particularily with V1. I frequently suspect the universe just hates us.

Meh, I'm babbling again, sorry.

Violet

VioletFlux wrote:Oh, and we have a thing where whatever we fear the most always comes true. So for previous host it was losing her memory and 'death of self' / having someone else take over her body and life, which is exactly what happened to her. For V1 it was finding out we had a bunch of littles that could take front or embarass her, which turned out to be true, and for me, it was undesired fusion, particularily with V1. I frequently suspect the universe just hates us.

Meh, I'm babbling again, sorry.

Violet

Do you think it's possible that those were things that you (as a system) already knew were true, or knew were going to happen, but some parts were in denial because those things were so scary? So it's not that they came true; it's that they had always been true but you weren't able to tolerate knowing that before. I don't exactly know what the fusion thing is about--maybe you have always been related/joined in these ways but were trying to have more separation between you for some reason?

I've had things that have gradually revealed themselves to me, in layers, as I was able to handle knowing about them.