Others

Hey guys. Levi and I have been on and off the forums for a few years, so many of you probably don't know who we are, but basic rundown: we're a stable binary system that has existed for about 7.5 years now. We're a somewhat odd system in that we don't lose time and are permanently co-conscious (we suspect the second might be causing the first). We also don't have an "inner world" as far as we can tell. This disparity between us and most systems has sort of left us feeling a bit out of place in the past on this forum so for the most part we've worked to resolve our issues on our own. Fortunately, we're 7 and a half years in the making and I can happily say that we've learned to work together beautifully and have grown very close. (I can confirm this to be true. We're basically brothers)

So, here's the thing. For the longest time, Levi and I have believed that we are the the only two in our system and have lived our lives accordingly. Over the last year or so, however, we've been struggling with the notion that we may not actually be alone.

That there may, in fact, be others.

There are times when we've heard a female voice in our head. She generally repeats the same thing(s) over and over, but she has mentioned that "she and the others" mostly reside in the inner world and don't have any interest in the real world (I have no idea how true that statement is). Thing is, we're not sure if she real or just a made up hypothetical in our head. Her voice is distant compared to ours, much like when we replay memories and such, but we're not sure if that's simply because she "deeper" in the system or because she's a figment of our imagination. Given both our anxiety over the concept of another alter in the system and the fact that our system is overly simplistic compared to other systems and likely not fully explored, we can really rule either scenario out.

There are other signs too. On rare occasions we hear a voice that sounds a lot like mine, but says things that I would never say. I can't tell if it's an alter that just so happens to have a voice similar to mine or if I'm in denial about some aspects of myself. Also, there are times when we can be talking with someone else about a rather controversial topic and we'll suddenly feel an uncharacteristically strong sense of dread that feels as though it's coming from within the system, but not really from either of us, as if there is an alter deep within the system that is being triggered by the conversation.

We've noticed that whenever we think on the matter too much it seems like we're hearing voices that are starting to say something and are then "cut off", and the more we let this happen, the more our head starts to ache (both figuratively and literally). I for one am not sure what to think about it. On one hand, if there are in fact others and an inner world, I want to know about them. They should have a chance at having the freedom to feel the real world, for better or worse, and some of them might be holding memories of our childhood (which are limited) On the other, Levi and I are both very nervous about the idea (well, me more than him). What if we lose control of the body? If we enter this "inner world", will we be able to get back out, and how much time will pass while we're gone? There's a lot at stake over the next few years and we can't afford to lose control of our life. Also, this might be selfish of me, but I don't really want there to be anyone else. It was hard enough for us to to work out how we would live our life together and both be happy, and that was just with the two of us. How many more alters are there? How much more will we have to compromise? I know I said that any potential alters should be able to experience our world, but dammit, this our life, the life we're spent years building together. We shouldn't have to share it.

*Sigh*

I, we want know the truth,but what if we can't handle it? What if we don't like the answers?

Anyways, just wanted to say that we might be active here a bit more often in the future. We hope to to take a little time out of our lives to try and explore our minds. Who knows, you might be seeing some new faces here pretty soon.

In closing, I do have one question, mainly going out the systems with a fairly large number of alters. Just. . . how do you guys do it? How do you mange all the needs and wants of the system? Levi and I have worked things out pretty well as I've said earlier, but it's just the two of us. How do bigger systems manage it?

Hi !

I totaly know the feeling.
I know about Daem since the age of 11. Then, at the age of 19, I started to wonder "what if we're not only two here ?".
It was a scary idea, a little bit because I didn't even know what Daem was at this time, so more of "unknown things" was scary, but mainly because I didn't know how we could handle more than two in a head.
I finally asked the question to Daem, who told me he was hiding some others since ever, because letting them be freely outside wasn't a good idea until my parents get divorced (I was 14/15yo) and after that, he knew I wasn't ready for the truth. He was so damn right. And at the age of 19, I'm not sure I was more ready... but I asked the question, and he introduced me three others alters.

I freaked out and ended up being totaly in denial about the rest of my system for months.
But with time, I learned to not be affraid of them. After all, they are here since our childhood and never do anything that could harm us. I learned after it was mainly because Daem was keeping them inside the best he can, but well...
So we learned to work as a group of four, which wasn't really different thant working at two. It was basically just learning to let the kids have some free time, and to listen everyone.

Then we discovered some others alters, and I freaked out again. Four people, okay. But six ?! How could a brain handle six people ?
But it ended up well. Confusing at first, but then well.

And now, three years after I knew about dissociation and the rest of the group, we're 12.
I'm still scared when we discover another alter. I still freak out and try to convince me there's no more alter here. But I know it's just a fear that would probably never leave me, and now I try to not listen to it and do what's right. But it's hard.
And as a group, we're still worrying when another one shows up : was he going to fit in ? What if he causes troubles ? Are we ready to welcome him ?
But we also learned that we're made for this. We're made for working as a multiple people. Each time we discover another alter, and adjust the system to work with him, we get better. Not right after meeting the other one, generaly there's an adaptation time where it's kind of stressfull and trying to figure how the new one will fit, what's his job, how we're gonna adjust ourselves, etc. but after that, it's better.
We're try to help the new one with his issues, and it allows us to understand our system better, which means we can function better, controle oursleves better, etc.

On a daily basis, we don't work at 12 alters. We're still working as a duo (Daem and I). As outside and inside manager, I take care of the outside life, help the ones who want to be co-present with me, and Daem take care of the inside life, makes sure no one go co-present when it's not the time, and he's like the police : no one will mess around him ; I also try to make sure everyone inside feels okay, and Daem try to makes sure I'm not totaly forgetting myself in the process.
Alexis is so often close to the outside with Daem and I that we're almost see oursleves as a trio. He's there to deal with physical threats, and complete Daem and I's job.
Erdian is there when strong social skills are needed, and Claude is there to makes sure people know we're better than them with words.
And if everything is secure and fine (basicaly when we're at home and alone), we let the others and the kids have some time for themselves if they want to.

It always makes me think about what a friend of my mom said once : "One kid, it's okay. Two kids, it can be hard. Three kids, it's hard, but once you know how to manage three kids, you can have an entire football team as a family, it will be okay."

Dwelt wrote:It always makes me think about what a friend of my mom said once : "One kid, it's okay. Two kids, it can be hard. Three kids, it's hard, but once you know how to manage three kids, you can have an entire football team as a family, it will be okay."

I started crying when I read this, and had to spend a little time to figure out why. I guess it's because there's someone carrying the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed by the fact of all these parts (there are at least 12 I know about, and I can feel that there are more), but I know how to manage three kids--I raised three outside kids, and was pretty good at handling their needs and getting all of us through each busy day. So, it was reassuring to hear that maybe I already know how to handle this.

Like so many things, I've realized that before, but it swims out of awareness. When I found out that I had these parts, one of my first thoughts was, "How ironic--it's as if I've been training my whole adult life so far to be able to handle this." (Besides having the outside kids, here is another significant way that has to do with my job).

So, thanks, Dwelt! That's a quote I will try to remember.

I'd say just as someone with a camera that is commentating, giving a impression, reading the anxiousness that needs influence/cue to do a reminder job. Until that happen it can be like mind noise you got to find out what those alters are cuing out side the window and reassure them, so that they get out of the way for moments/ benefits as you work on things.