Diet / health sabotage

Well done, Viola. Congrats to you.

MDs (dealing with our own diet issues now too)

Thanks MDs! I hope you're successful with your diet struggles. Sending you some positive vibes.

Viola got through the day yesterday without blowing it. I think she maybe pushed our calories over the limit a bit, but she avoided the 'forbidden' food and kept to our planned macros.

Arin

VioletFlux wrote:Sev3, I don't think I'll ever really feel right in the body. Like, my inside experience has cat ears and a tail lol, so that's not gonna happen no matter how much weight we lose. Plus its like 3x my age or something? It's old anyways. Weight loss won't help there much either.

TBH I can't even imagine what might help me feel better in the body. I just sorta accept that it's not me, never gonna be me. V2 makes it look as much like her as she can, purple hair and piercings and clothes and stuff. She and Arin both wanna be thinner so they can wear the kinds of clothes they want. Which would look just...really bad on us at the size we're at now. And might still look dumb if we fit them, cos of the age thing. I dunno.

About half of our system are non-human, so there are several here who relate. Apparently it isn't an option to grow wings??

We're of the opinion that confidence and clothing that fits is really what determines whether or not clothing looks good on someone. Like, a leather miniskirt can look good on anyone (age, gender, etc), but for some a longer one towards pencil skirt length would work better because of the length of leg or shape or whatever. When you wear something that is too big or small, that can look silly or frumpy. Sometimes to get the same effect on an older body it makes sense to switch out similar pieces, but a hot goth look (we assume that's what you're into, from other posts?) can look good on any age of body. We know several older goths who still look good in their preferred style.

Finding clothing that actually does fit is a pain though.

Late last night / early this morning I got a message from Viola.... she basically completely blew the diet over the past two days. And same thing on her two days the week before too.

She was apologizing. Said she couldn't help herself, she was just so hungry and kept craving the stuff we're not supposed to have.

I'm not sure what to do yet and we don't see our T this week cos she's on vacation.

I think it's a big deal tho that Viola is recognizing she's got a problem tho I don't know if the problem is 'hers' or there's influencing going on from deeper inside.

Getting a lot of guilty feelings from Viola actually... she's feeling like she's made a bunch of mistakes and been screwing things up for all of us.

Dunno what to do. I don't blame her, not mad at her or whatever, just sad for all of us that we can't figure this out. Really need to get V1 back on the team, she was our health/diet person and without her we're just falling further and further.

V2

Edited to add: Now the feelings of guilt are getting bigger and turning into thoughts of self-harm. We'll be ok i'm sure, but damn this $#%^ sucks.

Hi V2,

We're sorry that you're feeling so discouraged. But we think it's great that Viola admitted what she's done. It may not seem like progress, but we think it is.

Please don't SH. Talking about the feelings here is good. Talking here in general, as a distraction from SH, is good.

It's been nine days since we recommitted ourselves to getting off the junk food and eating healthier. It's a struggle. We want what we shouldn't have. The scale is a reality check, though.

We want change to happen faster. We want to wave a magic wand and not be affected with what we eat. It's hard to deal with life as it is, but we have to, because nobody else is going to do it for us.

Hearing you and sending good thoughts.

MDs

Thanks MDs.

Sorry you're dealing with this stuff too, but congratulations on 9 days, that's great!

We managed not to avoid any SH. Actually talking inside and finding out about "Waste" and learning that a lot of this seems to be coming from them sort of reframed things in a big way.

I'm still concerned about Viola, worried she'll still be feeling guilt next time she's fronting. And worried she might not want to front anymore if she feels she can't control herself.

We were at an all-you-can-eat buffet place for brunch today and it was like kid-in-a-candy-store levels of temptation lol. They had waffles, pancakes, icecream machine, whipcream, syrop and etc etc etc, so many temptations. And I was tempted, badly. But in the end I didn't cheat. I sorta looked at a few really tempting things but then just turned around and stuck to what's on our plan.

Just one day, but I guess that's how we gotta do it. One day at a time.

But yeah like you said, we totally want what we shouldn't have. That's a tough one to shake.

V2

Good for you for resisting temptation. We know how difficult it is.

And to Viola, in case she's listening: You can do this. We're with you.

Mary and Allegra

Hey thanks Mary & Allegra. I appreciate it.

I really hate feeling weak and useless when it comes to this stuff. I dunno, if its passive influence or whatever it is but it's like, just not thinking straight? Then aftewards when I can think straight then I feel really bad and dumb that I did that.

*** trigger warning, piercing & general stupidity ***

So V2 read this thing a month or 2 ago, where someone had a tongue piercing and told people it was cos it forced them to eat slowly and mindfully and stuff, and helped reduce their appetite, like for weight-loss or whatever. It was lies, but people believed it.

And V2 was like, huh, can a placebo still work even if you know its a placebo? And apparently yes, it can sometimes work even if you know it's a placebo?

So we all (well V2 and Arin and me) sorta talked it over and stuff and kinda said ok. This was like, last month? We even planned it for after the dentist cos then everything would be all shiney clean and stuff, lol.

So she got it done yesterday. For anyone interested, there was zero pain, like none whatsoever. Tongue is all muscle and in the middle there's no (or very few) pain nerves. The pain sensors are all on the tip and edges. OTOH its swelled up a lot and its really tender, but thats normal for a few days.

So V2 was thinking, for 3 or 4 days we'll have just protien shakes, till the swelling goes down. So she bought a bunch of these stupid shake things. She did get the "high protien" ones? But she didn't think to check the ######6 label or whatever - and they are, no fooling, 50% sugar!

Like, it would probably be more healthy to just walk to the icecream shop down the street and buy real milkshakes! They'd taste better and have fewer chemicals, anyways.

And I'm like, damnit here I'm feeling like $#%^ cos I binged on food that had lotsa carbs, and meanwhile she's gonna feed us a 50% pure sugar diet for 3 or 4 days?! Oh and she also got some 'healthy' icecream, I think its sugar free or something.

Anyways so I went out and bought some better food. Real food, but stuff that's soft and easy to eat. I didn't buy junkfood or candy or whatever. Maybe not the totally best diet choices but ###$ it, it's real food and way better than drinking her stupid sugar bombs.

And I can say, its no lie you gotta eat slowly, and mindfully, and with very small bites! Cos if you don't you're gonna totally ###$ up your teeth lol.

After the swelling goes down we can get a smaller barbell put in, with plastic ends. Right now there's like, two 1/4" surgical steel wrecking balls in our mouth and if you're not careful moving the tongue around, we'll have even more problems with the dentist.

Apparently they wouldn't put in the plastic balls at first cos of various healing and hygien reasons. We could probably swap em out ourself, we got the spare parts and stuff, but its swolen and tender in there and we don't wanna mess it up yet.

Oh... the big problem right now is, Melissa and maybe some of the other littles are unhappy about the piercing. Melissa tried to eat some of that icecream last night and she couldn't cos of the piercing. Didn't hurt, just, like litterally we gotta learn how to eat around it, so it wasn't fun for her.

*** end trigger warning ***

Anyways so yeah, V2 is maybe a bit crazy lol. Or maybe all three of us are, we all agreed to it. Hopefully there'll be some magic and it'll work!

Viola

I found an app the little bees like and I wanted to share it here. its a yoga for kids thing. with cartoon pictures and big buttons.

getting the littles on board with diet and exercise is hard (even though they hate the body, go figure).

I think this is going to help. just an idea to share with others. there's so much $#%^ for kids these days. things that our inside one's will like and know is just for them.

*** trigger warning; body disphoria, weight gain, disordered eating ***

We seem to be in the middle of a kind of war or struggle or something, now.

A while back (weeks? months? we are so bad at time) V1 finally returned to us from the void. She has taken up residence in our 'front room' (sort of inner-world adjacent, front/centre of the forehead) and we believe she's trying to be our 'health coach' again.

She keeps us at our daily workouts, gives us challenges or targets, goals to achieve. And we believe she is struggling to regain control of our food intake, like she did in the 2 years before our DID crisis began.

V2 and myself try to help with this too, as both of us desperately want the body to lose weight, we're repulsed by the excess.

On the opposing side, is primarily "Waste" who we believe is the alter with the largest compulsion to eat, binge, gorge. To a lesser extent, are other alters who simply enjoy the 'bad' foods and have varying levels of concern for the consequences.

I think the only common ground right now is there's a lot of negativity, from both 'sides'. V2 and I are disgusted by the body. V1 is I believe disappointed by the weight we've gained in the past year. Waste simply feels bad about everything in general and believes cramming more food in will make us feel better. And others feel bad about being denied food they want, but also feel guilty when they eat it anyways.

So we're alternating between urges to improve, throw away the 'bad' food, clamp down on the diet, and then urges to buy more 'bad' food, comfort ourselves with calories, then guilt and anger, and the cycle repeats. In the meantime our weight continues creeping up, which just adds to the overall negativity.

I don't have any solutions at the moment. Just the hope that V1 will grow stronger the longer she's back at it. She did this job successfully before, we hope she can succeed again.

In the meantime we will continue to try working with Waste and the others, to help them understand the overall situation and try to teach them other ways of coping.

Arin