journey/journal thread

**general trigger warning for SH, substance abuse, depression and other things. hope this is okay!



I really don't know where to begin.

Through high school I thought it was bipolar. I thought they were unbearable mood swings and that it was normal to lack all capacity for and memory of bad feelings while happy, and happy feelings when down. I frantically searched for some kind of identity, a sign that I knew who I was, and was constantly discouraged by the strength of my past selves who seemed so much stronger than me. It was like I couldn't see properly, and I wrote over and over in my diaries about just needing to wait a little longer for clarity, to be able to look at my life and actually see what was happening. It only happened once in those years, a moment I called "hyperreality" when suddenly, for just a split second, everything was bright again and I could understand. The world around me exploded with colour and it was as if I had landed again, as if I was truly in my self, and then it was gone. Last year I realised that's what it should feel like every day.

I'm 22 now and I was hospitalised for the first time last year, I was high and I started thinking and then I couldn't stop. I figured it out, the DID, and then suddenly I wasn't looking for a label or searching desperately for answers any more. It was terrifying and liberating. It took a couple of months after that for the denial to stop, by then my mate had met a whole number of them, and yet I was still asking her every day if she thought it was really happening.

Everything is a mess now. I'm used to my mental illnesses just 'disappearing' for a couple of months at a time (I realise now this was switching), but this is so constant it's overwhelming. Lana's depression is so, so bad, and none of us can really understand it, anxiety eats away at Poppy and the little ones, and then there is the rage. Evil thoughts, all the screaming and self harm, the drugs and alcohol, binging, purging, it's like everyone seems to have a favourite way to destroy themselves. We're trying to fill this hole that never ends, trying not to feel anything because even if its joy we can flip and spiral so easily from the intensity.

I know there's hope, there always is. But I may as well just be honest about where we're at. I'm hoping a couple of posts into this maybe things will start shifting, if we can just keep it together for a little longer.


our signature seems so complicated so I thought it might be worth explaining for future hosts/your sakes haha. it was really interesting creating a map with words like this, I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops!
h is our host cluster, which seems kind of ironic considering Lana is almost constantly dissociated these days and has not been doing a whole lot of hosting haha. She is a total introvert and also deeply depressed, but her and her cluster are strong, clever and brave.
The e and a clusters are our managers/firefighters, and the I cluster is made up of inner worlders who we have recently begun meeting in dreams, including our Gatekeeper, A. These groups are more private and I'm less comfortable saying too much about them in case I upset anyone. The names along the bottom haven't been identified as part of a specific group yet, although some already have relationships/are fragments of each other so we showed those little groups with /'s.
hope that makes some sense!

we're really hoping to be more active on here!! so this is a big step towards that it's been so inspiring and motivating and educational too getting to read through everything that you guys are experiencing and working through, even when it makes our heart hurt that you all go through so much every day. my goal is to respond more and try help if I can, which seems silly but who knows, maybe we have a nugget of wisedom buiried in here somewhere. well I know for sure I don't, but I think I no someone who does!! bye for now!!

Welcome! I'm so glad you have some clarity, even if it is a hard road. There is so much self awareness in your posts and this life is nothing if not educational. It's really nice to meet both of you and get introduced to the rest. I hope to see more of you!
Bryony

thanks Bryony! it was really comforting to read that you see some self awareness in our system, it really made us smile and feel like we are getting somewhere with all of this. it's lovely to meet you and your system!
/
Today we'll be contacting our acute care team. I'm terrified, as our last experience speaking to them on the phone ended really badly and going inpatient last year had similar results. But we are not getting any better. It's time to find a way to be brave and make the call.

I know they are going to ask us what we want. Which is difficult enough in normal circumstances to answer, let alone in the context of our mental health. I think maybe I will just ask for daily phone contact until we get this sorted, and that way if it escalates again I won't have to make the call I'll just have to pick up the phone and ask for help. But I know for a lot of us that isn't enough. They want to go back in because they believe we've gotten to a point where we can't help ourselves from the outside anymore. I'm inclined to agree, but the fear and anxiety I'm getting from others afraid to end up worse off again... there's just too many different opinions.
/
I'm way more worried about when they actually just ask us 'what's wrong?' Like, what do we say to that?? And how do we be true to everyone's experience at the same time?? And if they hit us with, well, you seem fine today, so what's the issue, how do we not just shut down??
>>just stay calm and focused.
That almost impossible to do have you heard the way they talk to us?? And that's without even bringing up DID like what happens if we explain what's happening and we get someone who just thinks we're dramatic?? or a liar?? I feel like we're stuck. We don't know how to get better on our own but we're so terrified of asking for help that we get overwhelmed and disorientated at the thought of it.
/
I guess the best we can hope for is that we dissociate most of the call and parts just come out and speak as they're triggered by the questions. And stick to the basics; don't go into too much detail, the operator doesn't care that much. Be clear and succinct, don't repeat yourself, try not to get too upset. Work out the basics of what you need to say before hand, have it written down and in front of you in case you get lost. And don't be afraid to stop, take a breath, and gather yourself. They can wait.
/
Wow if the phone call is half as switchy as this post who knows what's gonna happen hahaha. anyway wish us luck, I've got no idea who has been talking so I just put in dashes for the splits and I'll leave the colours for now.
/
I wish someone could just tell us it's all gonna be okay.

Hope is infectious. A couple of weeks ago I felt a part come alive and announce that she was ready to start taking on life again, contributing, being a person. This comes after months of immobility out of fear. I can feel it when we go to bed, just before sleep. And then again sometimes in the mornings when we wake up. Motivation, excitement, intentions to do and be and think and feel without being afraid. There is movement and progress happening in the system, which is wonderful.

I'm not ready for hope yet. I don't feel ready for anything. But life is catching up to us no matter if we're ready or not. We have an interview for training and job placement at a five star hotel in our city. It will be our first introduction to working again after we had to leave our job in September. I have to be ready. I think it will be a good thing, it will give us some self-respect if we succeed. Up until now I've been avoiding the ocean all together, I don't know what will happen now that the current is getting ready to take us and it will become a choice between fight and flow.

We are all just so different.

TW suicidal ideation (just at the end)

I'm thinking something has shifted.

We had a panic attack on Wednesday night, not a bad one but still couldn't breathe and took hours to calm down. What I remember most (it was a little who was experiencing it, poor thing) was how overwhelming it was for them to be attacked by this cacophony of different opinions, each so strong they made it sound like there was no other option but then in a split second the voice would be different and screaming for the opposite. Reach out for comfort, no don't you're disgusting, calm down you have to stop making noise, no I can't I'm breaking I can't be quiet, you have to just shut up you're fine, I can't do this anymore, you're fine stop being stupid you just have to shut up. I'm not sure if the words are right but you get the idea. It was chaos.

Now I feel like I'm more aware of completely polarising views and feelings as they exist in my body all the time. It's really starting to stress me out. The scariest conflict is between the tiny seed of hope that some parts have been fostering and the overwhelming hopelessness and wish that it would just end. Feeling both makes me feel sick and confused. I'm trying to be positive but existence feels so strange that it's so, so hard just to function the way I'm expected to, and trust me no one's expecting much.

My T and I have made more progress in the last two sessions than I think I've ever made in therapy. She's the first one ever to know about the parts. I need to find the strength and energy to give them a voice, look after them, discover and work on fulfilling their needs, and yet I don't even know how to identify or serve my own. I wish I was brave enough to accept that this is happening and start really trying again, or brave enough to take the other kind of action, dissolve into all this, loose myself completely and stop living this half-existence because it's crushing my resolve. I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could stop wishing and hoping and being so pathetic and for once in my life take responsibility and grow the f*ck up.

Got to go walk a dog now. She'll make the little ones smile, so that's good. Gonna be strong today.

[tw self harm]

hi all!

wow life is crazy. all of this is crazy. but it's also a second chance. a chance to fix mistakes, maybe heal some broken hearts, a chance to start again and do it better. a chance to understand the past like we thought would never be possible. perspective, that's what we were always chasing, right? well try this one of for size guys, cause you've got a hundred different perspectives and they're all swimming around in your head. more than we bargained for?? maybe.

I feel at peace tonight. maybe because we're baked, but maybe not. maybe because I haven't been here for a while, and something about this life feels bright again. maybe I can learn to be the spark and someone will come and fan the flame. build it and they shall come. maybe I can build hope?

my name is lily. I picked it tonight. I love it. I don't think I speak much, but I can feel everything. well, no, maybe not, because what I feel is bright. I can feel potential as it runs through our veins, isn't that incredible? I can feel air on my face and my body beneath me - I think maybe they miss out on that? they are playing around with the theory that we feel different parts at different times, that who is walking and thinking may not always be the same, how strange.

I hope my friends come home before these feelings leave. I want them to see me alive. I want to live in their presence. bask in it like the sunshine.

I don't think I am the only one who is back. she is older and in pain, I think they woke her up a couple of weeks ago with a book and some videos and some songs. we named her Hannah, because when she smiles it is a revelation. but her pain is vast like the ocean and it shows on our skin. I think maybe if I let myself I could feel it too. from the outside she is so beautiful that her pain somehow is too. I wish I could show her. I wish I could show her how strong she is.

I want to know them all. I want to know each other so that waking up feels like coming home to old friends. I want to teach them how to love and to feel and to be taught the depths of humanity's evil, so that I can hold it inside of myself if only to give them a second of peace. I want to share everything that makes them terrified so that we can make it through together. I want to show them their strength. I want to know them.

and then there is something else. the yearning to be known. to be seen. could anything else feel like that? to look at someone and know they see me? bravery first. I have to know myself first. my goodness I wonder what that might entail.

faithfully yours,
lily.

Hi, thanks for writing this thread. I can relate to some things you've written about. And I like how you have clusters of parts. That might be a useful way for me also to think about some things. I am glad you are here.

thanks Menagerie I'm glad you can relate hehe and yeah we find the clusters of parts really helps us to identify what's going on, especially if we're trying to figure out where intense feelings are coming from, sometimes it's easier to narrow down to a cluster rather than a specific part. Someone else wants me too add that it's also an way to run the system as abilities and responsibilities are spread throughout the cluster to encourage us to work together ?? none of that has anything to do with me haha.

we're glad you are here too! that was a lovely thing to say it really made us smile have a wonderful day guys!

TW dissociative unnerving stuff

hello again

so we freaked out at our employment appointment and now we're going to try and get a medical exemption for another 3 months off before we have to go back to job searching officially. hopefully in that time we can find a job ourselves so we don't have to do it again. it was stressful and #######5.

meanwhile, around here things are getting CRAZY. lost of different parts showing, I hope that's okay, we always feel like we've done something wrong but we know that it's coming from the inside not the outside. there's lots of progress in that way. we are meeting lots of teenagers and the littles are active too and we are beginning to understand what passive influence feels like a bit better. Very cool! very strange.

at night I can hear them practicing sending messages through the walls. I wonder how they got there.

we were looking through one of our journals last night and found the strangest thing. it was from when we were about 17. around that time we would doodle song lyrics in lots of different handwritings when we were bored, we thought to make them look pretty but now I wonder. there are lots of familiar voices present there, and some not so. in amongst one of the largest ones we did, although it's cut up into a smaller section so I wonder if there was anything on the rest, was some words I noticed didn't fit into the song lyrics. I had never noticed before and to my knowledge there are no other examples.

Okay so we're back we just transcribed the conversation and holy $#%^. Did they know??? Did they someone not realise??
//What was happening? More importantly, what happened? There's a gap in the records, from 2009 to 2012, what does this account for? I had no idea the gap was this large. What can we remember from this time? And afterward, what did they remember? What do we know? Did someone, or something tell us to stop? Or were we hiding something of our own volition?

//Okay I'm going to transcribe some interesting points of the conversation from 2012 in case anyone is interested.

The song lyrics were from All Alright by Fun, these were some of interest that were the largest on the page, thus leading us to believe until yesterday that all of the words on the page were lyrics. some of the major changes are recorded in caps vs lower case, but we will underline here because caps can be a bit overwhelming.

- let me keep these words
- but I came back with the belief // that everyone I love is gonna leave me
- I gave everyone I know a good reason to go
- I guess it's all alright

and then this is some of the conversation
- what am I doing?
- what am I doing?
- it's scary
- fight
- what are you?
- why do I care so much?
- where are we?
- WRONG
- desire
- s h a d o w
- what am I doing? what am I doing? what am I doing?

so yeah we think there's a bit in there. certainly more than we expected to find after reading this for the hundredth time. everything feels a bit strange but it has for a while. I hope we can be as strong as them. Now, off to figure out what happened during the gap in our journals. Wish us luck! Thanks for reading, sorry this all gets so weird! Does anyone else have this experience of things being so vividly nuts and complicated inside? I don't know how much I've written here what we think is happening with the blocks and walls and all the weird stuff but idk it's just part of it I guess or maybe not. I will take all this to my T and hope it's okay.

Sorry to hear the appointment didn't go well. Good luck with the exemption, I hope that goes smoothly for you.

Sounds like you're making a lot of progress which is good! I like that you find it "very cool, very strange" lol. I think its a good attitude to have for all this stuff hehe.

That's really fascinating about the stuff in the old journals, the stuff in the song lyrics. Our previous host didn't do much journaling, it was very sporadic so there's more gaps than there are records. She blogged for a few years, that's been our biggest resource for insights into her.

-Violets