hi, my name is John

hello. Ever since late childhood *middle school* I have had D.I.D. I wont delve into how this came about untill I'm a little more comfortable knowing i wont get ridiculed here. But at first I thought it was just a simple imaginary friend thing, something to be grown out of. He never went away, he is always here. Knowing about rejection full well (thats all there is in middle school) I kept this hidden for a long time, never let anyone know. Well times passed, I'm 21 now and a few people know about it, suprisingly to me most of them told me they knew it before I came out and told them...have I really been hiding it? Well just my luck one of the people that knew was my roomate, he freaked out and thought I was some kinda multiple personality murder movie story type thing so he blew it out in the open, told everyone, made up a story about me pulling a gun on him, and moved out while I was at work one day. since then rebuilding my relationship with my family is really difficult. It seems no one trusts me, everyones always waiting for me to do something crazy or something. So many people have abandond me. To try and rebuild the lost trust with my parents I went to a psych at their request, took a while but they have me fully figured out (as if I allready didnt know) and now I have been labeled.


Thats a little backstory so you know where I'm coming from on this. The easiest way to describe it is I am fully aware, there is another person living within me. I refuse to believe its a simple splitting of emotions, he is so real he has a soul of his own. We are aware of each others presence at all times and often have conversations to keep ourselves occupied throughout the day. On occasion he can take control and do whatever he wishes, however theres an understanding that this is my body, hes just sharing it with me and everything is good, I dont lose control. The only problem is progressively over the past few years I have been losing more and more tracks of memory. Sometimes a few minutes, other times hours. He doesnt know where they are going either, only once or twice has it been suddely I'm somewhere I dont know and am unaware of the situation. More commonly I will have no recollection of past conversations, past events, anything past tense.


I came to this site in hopes that others like me can help me with advice, support, and honestly I'm just so alone I feel this is the only safe group I can turn to. for those of you who took the time to read this whole mess thank you, I hope we havent bored you.

Aside from one newbie coming in and starting a flamewar, hey, we're all good guys here, Johnny. Name's Mike, or you can call me Bates. I'm co-conscience with my two activer alters, D and Frank. Both of which occasionally post here. Welcome to the forum!

thank you for the welcome bates. I definately look forward to things to come, getting to learn from others on how to deal with this.

its kind of wierd. for the longest time i thought i had some special crazy thing, cause im fully aware of my other half. i honestly have been raised to believe that split personality is like the movie me myself and irene. you guys dont know how much of a relief it is to know that im not THAT unique and that others have the same things happening

1.
2. You're normally abnormal, John. It is kind of nice to know that, isn't it? You fit in just right around here.
3. Just a suggestion, but is it possible there's a #3 in there taking over every once in a while? It might explain why you and the other guy aren't aware of what's going on.
4. Are you receiving therapy currently? Perhaps your shrink knows what is going on or could help you figure it out.
5. Again, welcome.

i told the shrink about the lost time, she cant explain it other than what you have, and that i should keep a close eye on it. if my lost memory turns out to get bad enough that i feel its making me hard to function normally im to go back and we are going to work on it. as far as therapy goes the psych and i both agreed its for the best not to go down that road for the time being.

i humored my parents by seeing the psych in the first place. but to get therapy, and to be "cured" sickens me. the first thing my dad told me when he found out was "dont worry john, we are going to make it go away" essentially thats like saying "dont worry john, im going to murder the one closest to you". there is a slight run of mental illness in the family with 1 or 2 crazy aunts or uncles here and there that have been locked up. theres no way im going to let anyone take this away from me, lock me up, or any of that.

being so defensive with it the psych decided since its a helpful thing not to worry about therapy.


now that i know i wont get ridiculed or whatnot i will fill you in on a key detail. childhood was rough....abuse, neglect, and the beatings, it got so bad one night i tried to take my life, it was then that he came, asked me not to and said hed be here. and he has been ever since. everytime im depressed he cheers me up, whenever i have dark thoughts he opens the curtains. without him i'd just be a suicidal depressed person.

the psych says hes a coping mechanism, to counter all the damage all teh bad things have caused me, and that treating it isnt nessecary unless something bad happens. i was told that small unknown factors can trigger things, repressed memories and so forth might leak out and really bad things might happen, in that event im to go to the psych immediately.

WELCOME JOHN

YOU ARE NOT A LONE. LIKES BATES SAID, MOST PEOPLE ARE COOL HERE. ONCE IN A WHILE WE'LL GET SOMEONE THAT NEEDS MUCH MORE PYCHOLOGICAL HELP.

I WAS TERRIFIED TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE "OTHERS". I DIDN'T LIKE THE DX. AT ALL, AND KEPT TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING TO DISPROVE IT. INSTEAD OF DISPROVING IT, IT JUST PROVED IT EVEN MORE. A GOOD THERAPIST AND MOST FOLKS ON THIS FORUM HAVE HELPPED ME TO ACCEPT THE D.I.D. I HOPE IT HELPS YOU TOO!

MY THERAPIST ASKED ME IF I HAD SEEN ANY MOVIES (LIKE SYBIL) ABOUT D.I.D. I SAID "NO", AND HE SAID "GOOD, DON'T WATCH THEM". HE TOLD ME HOLLYWOOD'S VERSION OF D.I.D. WAS NOT TRUE.

HE TOLD ME TO START JOURNALING. EVEN THOUGH I WAS AWARE OF MY OTHERS, IT HELPED TO UNDERSTAND AND VALLIDATE THEM. THERE'S SOME PRETTY COOL BOOKS,(WRITTEN BY PROFESSIONALS), ABOUT D.I.D. TOO.

YA, LOSING TIME CAN BE REAL FRIGHTENING AND AGONIZING. IT'S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL RELATE TO. JOURNALING HAS HELPED "US" A LOT. IT'S KIND OF FREAKY READING SOMETHING YOU DON'T REMEMBER WRITING, BUT IT HAS GIVEN ME A WAY TO KEEP TRACK OF MYSELF BETTER.

BEST WISHES JOHN,
BENNY

i never really thought of journaling. it sounds like a good idea. problem is i never know what im going to forget lol. but if i write down the important stuff i'll at least be able to hold onto some memories.

Oh believe me, I know what that's like. My brain's shot cuz once upon a time (i've had DID all my life) I got stuck in therapy and asshole's idea of "helping" me was forcing me and my alters to join together. This is called forced intergration. Forced intergration is horrible. And temporary, hence being multiple again, ha ha ha! As for what I mean by brain shot, I don't remember much of anything before age 12, and I have a hard time remembering things today. I don't think I'd go as far as calling it a mild case of alzheimer's, but I am very forgetful. And thats why I hate therapists. Though I'll probably end back there one day. Unfortunately.

forced integration sounds really bad and like it does more damage than good. whats creepy is i thought i figured myself out a while ago...but from the sounds of it anythign can happen at any random point in time. i could develop another...or i might allready and just dont know. the memory thing could get worse.....i just have to adapt, only the strong survive and im never going down.