Keeping friendships

You cant say that others shall be ignorant egoistic tyrants against their headmates, thats a really bad advice.

kittenspuppies wrote:why did you have to make a personal attack?

I did not.. i said it was a really bad advice.

kittenspuppies wrote:I used to hang onto friendships when a part of me was uncomfortable because...I have known them for so long...or...I really care about them...or...this friend can be so much fun...or....most parts of me really like this person.

But what if the part was uncomfortable for a reason rooted in your past trauma that had nothing really to do with the actual current friend? For example, maybe that person stirred up attachment fears in a part, or some innocuous habit they had reminded a part of someone else that had hurt them, or a child part found the particular activity you did with them to be boring.

I find it disturbing that you broke off relationships with long-time friends that you cared about, had fun with, and really liked, just because there was as a part that didn’t like them or had some issue with them that most of you didn’t agree with.

I have several parts that don’t like my husband of almost 30 years. So, that overrules all the parts that love him deeply and I should just ditch him? (I’m being facetious, but that’s really the logical follow through of your advice).

the Gang

Teddybear - I made it clear that I followed the advice I was giving - so when you say that following that advice would make that part an ignorant egotistical tyrant towards the other parts - of course it was personal....

Hi The Gang - I can give an example. I did have a close friend, one that I met at the age of 14 and knew for many decades. But she frequently treated me in ways that were not kind. I allowed it because most of me liked her, most of me thought she was fun and I had known her for so long. So I allowed her to mistreat me for years and excused her for it because most of me liked her. That part of me that did not was just shoved to the side. The relationship took a hard toll on me until I was finally able to recognize it as abusive and I ended it.

Now all of me has to like my friends. I will not make that mistake again. My current two very close friends - I have known them for over a decade and all of me is comfortable with them.

I'm not talking about ending a relationship because a friend is once in a while annoying. I'm talking about taking it seriously when a part consistently doesn't like someone.




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kittenspuppies wrote:Hi The Gang - I can give an example. I did have a close friend, one that I met at the age of 14 and knew for many decades. But she frequently treated me in ways that were not kind. I allowed it because most of me liked her, most of me thought she was fun and I had known her for so long. So I allowed her to mistreat me for years and excused her for it because most of me liked her. That part of me that did not was just shoved to the side. The relationship took a hard toll on me until I was finally able to recognize it as abusive and I ended it.

Hi kittenspuppies,

Now I find it disturbing that most of your parts would like someone who was abusive and mistreated you! I was talking about basically healthy relationships with people that a part or a few parts might not like. Even if they consistently don't like that person, as long as the person isn't abusing or mistreating the system as a whole, than I don't see that as a reason to end the relationship.

the Gang

Yes, it does sound disturbing when you put it that way. My friend spent much of her time with me being nice but then she would do something unkind. This kept repeating and I kept being hurt but most of me liked her and I ignored the part of me that did not.

I learned as a child to immediately set any experience of abuse aside and proceed as if it hadn't happened. To have done otherwise would have been dangerous. I saw nothing wrong with the way I was coping particularly because there was no other option. I did create Ball as a child to hold my anger. The anger in Ball was kept separate from me so I could continue to proceed safely in my childhood environment.

So it is very important to me to give significance to an uncomfortable part. But it also doesn't have to be abuse for me to consider a part's discomfort important. A part's discomfort is a little like a warning light going off. And also, sometimes people are simply incompatible.

Hopefully I have made it a little clearer where I am coming from.

But I would like to understand better where you are coming from. Because if there are parts that are continuously disliking a person, then I don't see how the relationship can be defined as healthy.

The Gang - I do also want to thank you because discussing this with you has also helped me gain more insight into myself.

kittenspuppies wrote:But I would like to understand better where you are coming from. Because if there are parts that are continuously disliking a person, then I don't see how the relationship can be defined as healthy.

I'm not sure if this would be where the Gang is coming from, but my two cents on this:
Imagine if your parts would function pretty separately. When one is out, the others are unreachable. So this one part has the chance to develop into their own person... with their own personality, likes and dislikes, and relationships. The relationship part is possible because this part has unique experiences that are not shared by the others. Therefore, in relationships they may develop their own style of communicating, their own triggers, their own preferences. This way, they may be able to connect with someone that other parts (who do not actively share the same history) would not connect to.

For example, I tend to like people who enjoy studying and discussing nerdy subjects. I tend to hang out with type A people, who tend to be a bit stressed out and quite rational; whereas another part likes to hang out with people who are adventurous and social, who like to smoke and drink, for example. For me it feels almost impossible to hang out with those friends, because I just... can't relate. But for that other part, the friends that I like to hang out with seem a bit too rigid and nervous. It's a delicate and small difference, but for me as a person it really matters. Those friendships are all healthy, as far as I can tell. Of course eventually I would hope to have increased cooperation and integration, so that maybe the different parts feel closer and perhaps more similar or balanced, but we're not there yet.

If I do what you said, Kittenspuppies, I wouldn't have any friend at all.
Like TheGangs said, sometimes (almost every time for us), the reason an alter doesn't like someone is link to past trauma.

Because our abuser was my father, we've got issue with men, specially ones who could be physically a threat.
My best friend is 20cm taller than me, and do martial art. We met on the Internet, and the first time I met him IRL, it was... well... the most uncomfortable thing I've ever did.
He is the same size as my father, some of his body language looks the same, and some of his jokes are the same. After meeting my friend, Alexis wanted us to run away. He was triggering as hell for him and for me.

I didn't run away because I know my friend isn't my father. He's a kind man, a carrying and respectful person. He's got his own flaws, but he never hurted us, even when he had the occasion. I know I can trust him. He has his own trauma and a mind that works quite the same as mine, so we understand each other well. I don't get fooled by the way he deal with things that trigger him, because I've got the same way to deal with mine ; and he doesn't get fooled by mine too. It was quite weird for both of us at first. It was the first time for both of us that our ways to hide ourselves didn't worked, and we didn't know what to do with each other

We met my friend IRL two times again, and each time was better. Now, my best friend is the only man who can be physically close to us without making Alexis ready to fight, even if he still doesn't feel comfortable.

But on another hand, there was another friend that Daem didn't like at all, because he was always crossing our boundaries. And this time, I listened Daem and ran away.

So I'm not totaly agree with your advice.
I think, when an alter isn't comfortable, the system should talk about it and try to know why.
Is it linked to the trauma and can everybody handle the trigger ? or is the person really toxic ?
And then take a decision.

Thanks for replying guys!

Yesterday I told her whats going on and she said that my switches were noticeable and she understands why was I rude towards her the other day. I have told couple of my close friends like two weeks ago but hesitated telling her.I wouldn't appreciate if Daeg insulted her or made her cry.

Everyone has their own way of caring and feeling about something and someone. In the past, the second i noticed that one of friends was getting manipulative I stopped hanging with them, now when I meet new people I can usually tell what are they like or I ask around about that person and if they are bad I dont even bother with them. -Dina

kittenspuppies wrote:The Gang - I do also want to thank you because discussing this with you has also helped me gain more insight into myself.

Thanks, kittenspuppies. It has also helped me gain insight. I think that I have the opposite approach to anger. It has always been the one emotion that I was sure was mine and was the easiest to express. So it makes sense that we would have different responses to people that make us angry.

fireheart,
Yes, that sounds about right. I'm not sure the other parts are "unreachable"--I think they still see what's going on, but a number of them have definitely developed their own likes, dislikes and relationships. In fact, as different parts have made themselves known over the past several months, I've realized that different childhood friends were primarily friends with certain parts. For example, there are kids that Bobby played with when we were 6 or 7, that were clearly his friends. Boys that he(we) played football with, that he missed when we moved away. I only became aware that he had missed them when I started being more aware of him and getting some of his memories. So I'm sure if I spent some time thinking about it, I could figure out which current friends are primarily friends with which parts.

Dwelt,
That's exactly what I meant about links to past trauma. Good for you for overcoming that trigger and gaining a close friend.

Dina,
I'm glad you worked things out with your friend!

the Gang