Little needs to grow up?

fireheart wrote:

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It seems to me that you're doing a lot of guessing and assuming to try to figure out what your T meant instead of asking her straight out.

Incorrect. I asked T right away what she meant by "growing", and then I asked why she thought it was a good idea.

It's true that she didn't say anything about attachment, that is my own projection. As a reason, she only mentioned that grown-up R would make a great addition to the team. This evoked all of the different emotional responses - I am really bad at sharing that while in-session. That's why I'm writing about it, to process it and to hear different perspectives that may provide insight. Then once it's all settled a bit more, I will share these things with T.

Sorry--I'm glad to hear you asked her right away. Good for you. And of course it makes sense to take time to figure out all of your responses--I can never get a handle on that stuff while I'm sitting in a session.

I've seen some of my littles get a bit older as they are listened to and have more experience fronting (even if it's just with the T or when we're home alone, not necessarily out in the world, although that's true for some of them), but that has happened naturally. My littles, of any age, are already a great "addition to the team" and would be insulted to be told that they aren't considered to BE on the team because they're younger.

I would want to know where she got this idea. Did she read it? Hear it from a supervisor? What knowledge base or experience is she using to support this?

One thing my T does that helps us SO much is to completely accept everyone as they are--he values us, considers all of us to be important, and wants to get to know all about us. If WE identify something as being hard for us, or WE express wanting something to be different about how we do things or how we work together, then he'll explore that, but he would never say that a part needed to do x, y or z.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Sorry--I'm glad to hear you asked her right away. Good for you. And of course it makes sense to take time to figure out all of your responses--I can never get a handle on that stuff while I'm sitting in a session.

No problem. Yes, it's a struggle - sorry you go through that too.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I've seen some of my littles get a bit older as they are listened to and have more experience fronting (even if it's just with the T or when we're home alone, not necessarily out in the world, although that's true for some of them), but that has happened naturally. My littles, of any age, are already a great "addition to the team" and would be insulted to be told that they aren't considered to BE on the team because they're younger.

Interesting! I don't think my parts have aged in therapy - I mean, maybe except for the grown-up parts. How does it feel when they age?
I feel like Robin already fulfills an important role, but maybe because she hasn't fronted in therapy T simply doesn't know. I vaguely remember that T mentioned something about how she thinks that if she's able to help Robin, that all of our problems will be solved (basically) - but that was ages ago, and I hope she doesn't think that anymore because I don't think it's true - by far.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I would want to know where she got this idea. Did she read it? Hear it from a supervisor? What knowledge base or experience is she using to support this?

Good question! I will ask her this.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:One thing my T does that helps us SO much is to completely accept everyone as they are--he values us, considers all of us to be important, and wants to get to know all about us. If WE identify something as being hard for us, or WE express wanting something to be different about how we do things or how we work together, then he'll explore that, but he would never say that a part needed to do x, y or z.

That sounds lovely! For some reason "growing" is the only thing that T has ever said we "needed" to do - at some point she said it to me (and I felt insulted, because it felt as if she was disapproving of how I am right now), and she's said it twice about Robin. It irks me, but I think that's just because it sounds abstract. Like, does she want me to become a literal giant? Does she want Robin to take up more space? I think I just feel this confusion and think those things because maybe I'm afraid of rejection.

I think the real challenge is going to be how to help Mae.

I've not read all these posts in detail, but could your T have meant 'develop' rather than 'grow up'?
To develop would seem reasonable, you don't want them stuck in the past forever.

Jolly jo wrote:I've not read all these posts in detail, but could your T have meant 'develop' rather than 'grow up'?
To develop would seem reasonable, you don't want them stuck in the past forever.

This is basically what I was going to say. I was going to say "There is a difference between growing and growing up."

My Lilly used to be very shy and would only come out in little spurts. But the more she realized my husband loved her for who she is, the more she came out. The more she came out and fronted, the more confident and sure of herself she got. She's still a child, but she's a happy, well-adjusted, care-free child now, rather than a timid little wall-flower. At least with him, anyway. Before, she'd only come out at home. Now, she'll pop out at Walmart if she sees something she wants, or at the movie theater if something funny happens, or in a restaurant if she gets a whiff of the food and wants to try it. So she's GROWN, but she hasn't really grown up. Sure, she's matured a little bit, just from experiencing life more. But she'll always be a child.

She sometimes says, "I wish I was big." My husband reassures her that he loves her just the way she is, and he'd be sad if she grew up because then she wouldn't be little anymore, and he loves her being little. She then points out all the things she can't do, and he points out all the things he does with her that he can't do with the "bigs" in our system.

As far as being scared to let Robin front, do you have an adult who can co-conscious with Robin to keep an eye on things, someone who can force out and take over if the situation needs it? That's part of Delilah's role now.

Wishing you the best.

K