If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. It's a tough call to make. You want to think there's something you can do to keep the dog, but at the same time you need to consider if it's worth it for you and the dog.

Wishing you the best and sending you mental support !

~ Grey

*****trigger warning pet death*****




We said goodbye to our dog 3 weeks ago. It was really hard. That morning we took a lot of videos of us walking him to the nearby bluffs, and photos of him with the cats. We had a vet come to the house, so at least we didn't have to take him anywhere, and he got to be on his bed.

Then we were doing ok for awhile, but made a memorial reel for him last weekend, and that was really hard. We went through all the photos and videos we had of him (over 15 years), and then put a bunch of them together to make a reel with music. Then we cried a lot for the rest of the day.

A couple of nights ago we had a very vivid dream that he came back, and that helped us feel a lot better. In the dream, we felt so grateful that we could pet him and brush him again. It really felt like he was there with us in a tangible way, so we've been feeling less sad.



******end trigger******


The husband is about to go away for a business trip for a week, so we have to deal with that. The littles usually feel lonely and scared when he's away. We do have rehearsals for our current show to keep us busy, and the other people in the show are really nice, so that's good.

Idk, life feels kind of empty without our dog, and I think the littles don't get to do as much stuff that they like, because they used to like all the walks, and giving him baths, and just sitting and petting him. But it was also a lot of work near the end, so it also feels freeing to not have to do that.

We started thinking about doing talk therapy again. We've been continuing with somatic therapy, but not very regularly. We listened to the outgoing message of a therapist we're considering contacting. And then then littles wanted to hear the outgoing message of our old therapist, so we called from an unlisted number, but instead of a message, he answered the phone and said, "Good morning," so we hung up. That was unsettling. We hadn't contacted him since we ended the relationship by text over a year ago.

We should probably journal to figure out how everyone is feeling, but we're still avoiding that. Haven't journaled for many months. There are too many painful feelings. How are we supposed to deal with the ones who don't like the husband? They've never liked him, and we've been married over 30 years. So when their feelings are prominent, we just try to take space and avoid him for awhile, and try not to hurt his feeings.

Anyway, we need to start getting things done today, but just wanted to update this a little.

All my condolences and support for you all in this difficult time. Glad the dream helped a bit.

I hope you'll find a way to untangle the therapy situation. Even if it's not the most complicated you've been in, it's still annoying to deal with this. Tons of support !

We are sorry that your dog passed. We know it is hard and those emotions hurt.

You have our condolences.

And we also do hope that you get the therapy situation sorted out. We know that's not easy either.

Take care of yourself and be well.
Ianthe

Haven't updated this in a long time, but we did something this morning that we're very proud of, and wanted to document it somewhere that people would understand.

A show we were in finished a few weeks ago, so we started the process of trying to get into another show, which involves auditioning, which, as you can imagine, is a very stressful process for even the most well-adjusted person, something we are decidedly NOT.

We auditioned for something Sunday evening, and felt like it went well, even though it doesn't look like we got cast in the show. Then we went to a meeting Wednesday about a show that was auditioning yesterday. This theater is kind of far for us, and they have daytime rehearsals instead of evening ones. So even going to the meeting one day and the audition the next day completely threw off our daily self-care stuff and our sleeping schedule.

We went to the audition, and it was kind of disorganized, and went on for a long time. We didn't pick the right songs to sing (although we didn't realize that until later), and we didn't end up getting offered any of the parts that we wanted. And then there was some confusion and miscommunication about what we WERE being offered. It was very upsetting. We finally agreed last night that we would come to the rehearsal today, to be in the ensemble (the only person who wasn't given a named role, although we were initially given one and then it was kind of taken away).

But this morning, we realized that we were really undecided about whether or not to go through with it, and decided to write in the journal for the first time in over a year. We took out all the colored pens and asked everyone to check in and write about how they felt about doing the show. And then we took a written vote.

It was pretty much evenly split, but then we wrote each part's main reason for their vote, and it seemed like the no votes, three of which were that being in this show would be "bad for us" (in terms of mental health), carried more weight. Those were all from protectors. Of the yes votes, two were out of fear that people wouldn't like us for dropping out of the cast, and two were mostly for the social contact and the chance to be on stage at all, even for a show that we don't think is good quality and can't really stand the music of.

So we composed a long text to the producer explaining that we wouldn't be coming today, and thanking them, and hoping there wouldn't be hard feelings, and how much we like their organization, etc. But then they wrote back saying how good we were and that we should still come and they would see what they could do. So that made it harder, and we almost changed our mind and decided to go, but then we wrote another long text and made sure they knew that we weren't blaming them for the miscommunication and that this really was the best decision for "me."

The whole thing was very difficult and we were crying a lot this morning, but then we spent most of the day working in the backyard, which some of us really love, and listening to a book, and we have more self-care planned, and we haven't been regretting our decision at all. So, anyway, we're very proud of this, and hopefully we'll turn to the journal more often to help us work together to make decisions we can all get behind.

Thanks to anyone who read all of this!

We still read a lot of your journey if you still remember us from years back (it’s ok if you don’t). We’re really sorry for the loss of your furry family member. We are glad you’re all still here.

Thanks, Menagerie. Yes, we remember you. Nice to hear from you.