C-PTSD: food/eating - advice needed

I would like to get some advice/thoughts on a recurring situation about food/eating.

// Trigger warning: neglect, emotional abuse, eating //

Usually, I am able to eat regularly. Sometimes I feel like I don't quite deserve it (I think it is influenced by a fragment) and go for a bit longer without than would be ideal. Connecting with hunger cues can be confronting and scary. It might not be ideal functioning, but I am able to function like this. However, when I go too long without food the situation turns into something else: I don't feel like I have energy to take care of myself and solve the situation (make food, eat) and I feel very afraid.

It's at its worst after exercise. I do actually eat afterwards, but then, the next few days everything about food scares me. I get into this sort of emotional flashback, I think, and worry a lot about whether there will be enough food. I think it is because my hunger cues are stronger. I also don't understand why it is that when I show myself the food that is there, I feel this sort of angry response inside (like: "No! I don't want this!!")

When I was a child, my parents didn't always take good care of me (understatement). When I went hungry for days, I tried to tell them that it was Bad, but they would say that I was just exeggerating. My siblings never expressed a similar struggle, but my sister eventually feigned an interest in cooking so that they would sometimes get her ingredients. For the most part, however, we weren't able to solve the food situation.

Now that I am an adult, things are obviously different; but when this situation comes up I find myself completely freezing up. It seems like all I can do is cry and feel very afraid and angry with myself. In those moments, I wish someone else could fix it for me - so that I wouldn't always have to rely on myself. I also feel very angry that I can't just get myself to fix it.

Later in my childhood, I would also show this response (the crying, being stuck) at times. My parents responded very angrily towards it, and I find myself responding like this to myself, too. I don't know how to get out of it. In those moments, I truly despise myself.

// end trigger warning //

It seems that it might be important to get out of the trauma response when it occurs, but how could I approach that? Other thoughts or advice is also welcome.

that's a real tough one. I think my response to being hungry was to just always overeat every time I got a meal, because if could be my last for days. I have to remind myself that there is more food. I won't be hungry.

I only have one idea and it might not be very good. but maybe you could make your self something to eat before it gets bad. so that you don't have to DO much when you get this way. maybe microwave some thing or you have a sandwich in a bag in the fridge already. like.....to see to your needs before it gets wild. so then when you have that feeling of not being cared for....you can get your bag out of the fridge that has your prepared food ready to go. and it would be like you taking care of yourself before so that it would be there when you need it after?

in general I do better without caffeine or sugar. now I almost get panicky from sweets. I know they don't help. and I usually have an apple or something in my purse, just in case the day doesn't go as planned.

I'm sure others will chime in with some good ideas. this is a tough one. I really identify with feeling too much of some thing and like you can't take care of your self. awful times. I hope you find what works for you.

we havent solved our food problems yet.
we have been working on finding out where the different influences come from.
one of us tends toward restrictive eating when stressed. feeling hunger and thinking that we now have to endure more of it (stuck in trauma time) triggers her restrictive behavior and she will insist she doesnt want food at all. we have tried to move her restrictive behavior from food to money. she is now managing our finances in a frugal way, fine for us, and eating is easier. its a control thing with her.
another littles will get desperate, another little quiet and ready to overeat the moment there is food.
the adults tend to not feel hunger before it gets really bad. so we have been working on body awareness (mostly mindful yoga to connect with the body in a better way) to make sure we eat before it all goes downward.
the desperate little will go into a state where she wants to be fed by a caretaker. even for her that is regression. we have found it easier to eat when someone else is present, especially when they made or brought the food, but its not a good solution.

when things go bad with hunger we make sure we talk out loud. explain the next steps out loud. build a timeline of how far we are away from getting food.
it takes serious effort at times and we need to pull away from the littles to find the energy. it is like we would just slide to the floor to starve (have spent many hours on the floor like that only a few years ago) and all energy seems to be gone. so we talk out loud to all of us to create hope and walk us thru the steps.

this is as far as we have come. its not much advice but maybe it helps not to feel alone with the problems.

Hi fireheart,

TW....

That's kind of how things were for us. We were supposed to be really quiet so we wouldn't be punished. But then the mother would forget us and that meant no food. Anyway the problem for us isn't really food it's saying we're hungry. Needing stuff always got us punished pretty bad.

end of TW...

Ok so now we try to feed Evan before he gets hungry so he won't have to ask. We also leave food for him in little places where it's hidden (but not from him) so he can get it if he needs it. He won't touch food that's out because he's worried it might get him in trouble (it won't anymore but he still worries). We're working on getting Evan to trust Cody enough to tell what he needs but that's kind of hard.

Iain

Thanks for responding. It really helps to hear I'm not alone in having these struggles - and I hadn't heard of others struggling like this before. Thanks!!

Preparing in advance is a really good idea, but it's difficult. I feel resistance towards doing that, towards taking care of myself regarding food, I think? :/ I should still try, I think.

birdsong87 wrote:when things go bad with hunger we make sure we talk out loud. explain the next steps out loud. build a timeline of how far we are away from getting food.

I will try these! I can imagine it will help.

birdsong87 wrote:it takes serious effort at times and we need to pull away from the littles to find the energy. it is like we would just slide to the floor to starve (have spent many hours on the floor like that only a few years ago) and all energy seems to be gone. so we talk out loud to all of us to create hope and walk us thru the steps.

Yes, this is what it feels like for us, too.

I'm sorry you went through that, Iain. I hope you are now very far away from that situation!

TW....

Yes, we were also supposed to be really quiet and there was a lot punishment involved. One time I wrote a story about a boy who found out he was a vampire and put a wooden stake in his heart so that he wouldn't have to suck others' blood. That's how I felt. I would've rather ended myself than hurt/bother others by needing something/existing. We know now that the adults were wrong and needing things is a natural part of being human. And if you meet a need, sometimes it feels nice, and it goes away for a while. For other people it is a neutral or happy thing, the adults are the ones who made it seem bad.

...End TW

IainEtc wrote:Ok so now we try to feed Evan before he gets hungry so he won't have to ask. We also leave food for him in little places where it's hidden (but not from him) so he can get it if he needs it.

This is a good idea. Like a secret hiding place? Like you wrote, it would be better if it is possible to take away the fear, but it might be a temporary solution. I feel like there are certainly multiple parts (fragments, I think? Because I can't really ascribe it to the littles I know) involved, so more than one perspective is at play here...

Ugh-this brings up so many thoughts and feelings that I feel like I can't even sort it out in any way that would be helpful (to me or anyone else). I've gotten much better over the years about staying on top of food needs and being aware of mealtimes even if I'm not very aware of hunger, but then sometimes I just fall off of that.

For me it's definitely partly about control and tied into issues about weight and how my body feels--if I feel (or look) fatter, I move into a very strict control mode, and then I don't eat enough and can't sleep well and have a constant headache. And feel pressured to exercise a lot more. That's been going on for the past few days.

And there's an element of not deserving to eat either, and then also just not wanting to have to take care of those needs--like someone else should do it because it's too much for me.

There wasn't even any obvious neglect or lack of food in my childhood, although I think I was fed based on other people's ideas of when or what I should eat so my needs were either overrun intrusively or neglected. So I'm getting strong feelings of "you shouldn't even have issues about this at all since no one left you to starve or punished you about food or hunger."

Sorry-this is probably useless. I'm not in a very good place right now. But food and eating are a big issue for me, too, so you're not alone. Iain, and birdsong, and BeccaBee have good ideas.

I would think of it like -- the parts of you who can't eat when things go dark do need someone to take care of them. so when you are able take care of yourself in advance.

we would write feel good stuff or decorate the bag with hearts and smiley faces. have easy snacks like granola bars or carrot packs that are easy grab and go things, maybe even little apple juice boxes.

it's all teamwork. but that's what works for us. the more love, compassion, and cooperation we can bring into the teamwork, the healthier we are overall.

if you don't have someone at home who can feed you a sandwich and tuck you in.....then have the sandwich ready and a bed made up with a stuffy and maybe a goodnight story. you are worth being taken care of. you are worth being fed. you are worth being loved. you are worth having your needs met.

you are worth having your needs met. that was then and it was wrong. this is now and working together you can get through it.

Food and eating and self care are great topics
My mother restricted us growing up saying we couldn’t have seconds because we’d get fat. I was tall and skinny and probably had disordered eating / or at least picky from young age. ( not picky as adult)

So I’ve been all over the place with food and eating.
For whatever reason lately -Therapist retiring? Parts? Other issues? I’ve felt unable to prepare food . Usually I love to cook but not lately. But I know I need to eat regularly throughout day. Not into playing around with the whole restricting/control stuff ( been there / done that / not good outcome). Don’t want to tempt the fates so to speak

There’s a grocery store near me that has ready made soups, homemade main courses or sides or salads-kind of like Whole Foods ( if you’re in US / if not -it’s a healthy kind of grocery store chain )and I’ve been going there a lot .
Fruit or cold foods don’t feel nurturing ( it’s cold here and snowy) . So I’ll get soup and maybe some other things. For dinner. For breakfast and lunch I have simple meals that I put together . Tell myself this is temporary and not to stress about it.

we recently went through an extended period of issues with eating ourselves which we think are related to a new alter from a time of serious neglect in our early childhood. For a few weeks we could barely eat at all; sometimes even looking at food made us nauseous and if we ate (at all) more than a handful of food we would throw up. we lost nearly ten pounds in a month. We seem to be feeling somewhat better but it still crops up now and again accompanied by choking fits.

TheGangsAllHere, it sounds like you're going through a rough time; like this is bringing up several different difficult things for you. I can tell you that comparing issues/trauma doesn't work... Thinking that you are not allowed to struggle because you didn't have it "worse", is like saying that you can't be happy because others have it "better"! (And in my opinion there's not really a "better" or "worse", only "different").

BeccaBee, thank you for writing such a gentle reply. It makes me feel hopeful and like I actually DO want to love myself that way.

LadySlippers, yes, the not being able to prepare food-thing ! Seems like you're making efforts to take good care of yourself!

littleDaria, I just keep relating to all of these posts.... This, too. I had an issue with choking, too, for a while (about a year). In my case, I found out it is anxiety. I had some flashbacks that were triggered by eating food that we'd apparently had in a period of neglect, and after that felt afraid of food/eating. If you're very anxious, you can't eat. Your body is more prepared to run! I know that you may not be asking for advice, but I almost can't help myself because it was such a sucky period. So I just want to add that for me it helped to do relaxation exercises, watch something distracting while eating, and to eat slowly. You said that you're already feeling somewhat better, so maybe you won't even need these tips.