Intimacy (?trigger warning?)

I've been married for almost 30 years--he's someone I married before my memories surfaced 18 years ago. But now that I've gotten new very traumatic memories this past year any kind of intimacy is just not even anywhere in sight. I'm just wondering for anyone else in a relationship if having anything remotely close to a "normal" relationship has been possible?

fiveheroes
Baby Kar
Elkay 4 to 7
Aner 8 to 12
Raven 13 to 21
K (oldest self)

Hi fiveheroes,

I don't really know what to say but I didn't want there to be 0 replies. Sexstuff is kind of hard for most of us to talk about so it's not like nobody likes you or anything.

Iain

I haven’t been in a relationship for several years .
Have you thought about couples counseling ? There are many ways both sexual and not sexual to be intimate.

Thank you Ladyslippers for your comment. We are in counseling together and what you’ve expressed is what we’ve talked about. I think my concern comes from a place of fear that I just need to work on accepting (that eventually he won’t be able to stay in a non sexual relationship ( even though for right now it’s ok— my words) I just need to stay in the present and not worry about what may happen in terms future.

-- Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:02 pm --

Thanks Lain—I really understand (about the topic) and hesitated a long time before I posted; thank you for your response, that was really nice

It can be hard to stay in the present when it’s a high stakes issue. Perhaps all the more reason though to not let fear take you into the future.
There are decent books ? Title -author is Wendy Maltz that deals with these issues.

I think it’s a fine topic to post both for people in relationHips and the wannabes either soon or in the future.
But yeah -not easy topic

You know what ? I heard this interview on NPR with a therapist named Ester Perel.I was sitting in a parking lot of Staples taking notes!
She was talking about intimacy in a different way and I felt hope that I could at some point have this again .
Her actual topic was about affairs but she brought it to a new place . Issues of intimacy sexual and not.
But in a way that was new.

Really liked it. Told T about it too -that maybe maybe just maybe this can be part of our lives again in the future. It was the most hopeful I’ve felt about this topic in a long time.

Thank you very much ladyslippers for both the author and the NPR interview—I’m going to check both of those out; it’s also nice to know this is not only my “issue”

Take care

fiveheroes

It's a big, big issue for us.

I want companionship. Most of the others with me don't. And physical intimacy is out of the question.

Most of the significant people in our life have taken from us and not given what we need. So we see relationships in general in a negative way. Our well is dry. We need to receive before we can give again.

Charity and others

I'm in a married relationship. Sex about once a month. It is far less than what hubby would like but seems just about enough to keep us together. I would prefer a platonic relationship most of the time but if we go too long it creates tension so eventually I force myself to do it. What I find really sad is that husband will quite often say he only feels close to me when we have sex but in my mind it is quite the opposite. I usually let someone else take over who gives the impression of loving sex but is really quite traumatized. She's the only one that can do it though.

Thank you for you candor Tortousshell
I was in the same situation (along with his feelings being simiar to your spouses) until last Feb when Aner (my 8 to 12 year old self). The very traumatic and overwhelming memories from Raven (my 13 to 21 year old self) further impacted our sexual intimacy and solidified the feelings I have of sex ever being possible (never mind at all enjoyable. According to my T everyone she’s ever worked
with with this level of trauma finds it nearly impossible. I guess I just need to wait and see and hope he accepts whatever outcome possible.