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this is huge and long. denial, imagination, "insider" names

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this is huge and long. denial, imagination, "insider" names

Postby star0dust » Fri Jan 05, 2018 10:43 am

I have a problem.... I was in total denial of "insiders" today when I seen my therapist. cause I have just opened up t to her and she asked if I was still in the group's and how that was going. (like this one) I told her I wasn't gonna be going anymore because I understand people and they understand me and I don't want to be understood cause this can't actually be going on with me.

she suggested that it might not go so well to ignore things thst are going on for me.

well I ignored that statement.

I thought that I must just be making things up even though I'm not trying to it's like my brain is making things up. because I don't have amnesia....well I had a very short blackout while driving the other day after feeling like my angry one that wants to hurt us melded into me. because I had a quick flash where I was inside myself all i can describe it as. and then when I was back i had already turned the corner that I was about to turn before that happened. BUT THAT'S IT.

I don't lose time.... I'm usually me.... unless I have the angry one she can take over for short spurts but it's a struggle and shes really emotional.

even though I read with osdd you can have insiders that never front but i can't accept that.

well anyway so i went to try to sleep feeling just me like there's no one else in me. and then someone else that I had never seen before came??? I am so confused.

i saw her and it was like she melded into me for a minute and shes like she can talk and tell things withoit shutting down.... I had some kind of feeling that she knows things. for some reason.

the name that came with her was delores.

so I'm really confused because on one hand I think my brain must be creating these people becaaue i never seen them before. they dont front. well the angry one has taken over for short spurts. I think. unless I just imagines that too. I am losing my ever living mind.

but i have heard her voice for many years. I just never recognised her as an other. and the comforting one has always been there too just same story. and they've argue back and forth I think. or maybe it was a different voice arguing with the angry one. anyway. I'm lost. about where I was going with this.

oh their names. are really weird to me.

the angry one - raven.

comforting one - Cordelia
one who knows things - delores

raven i think is an awesome name and I'm annoyed the one I want to go away forever has it. but i looked up the meanings of their names tonight after delores came. because i think Cordelia and delores are horrific sounding names.

but raven has lots of meaning all strong ones. which she is. could mean death, (which is what she wants forme) or could symbolize change/transformation. keeper of secrets...prophecy.... I'm so annoyed she has such a cool name.

my comforter Cordelia means heart. she's also the compassionate character in king Lear (I've never seen king lear, never knew this.)

delores...the one who seems to know things and can talk without shutting down. who I tried to ask to come when I see my therapist next. idk if she heard me or if she can or if she's just a figment if my imagination.

delores means sorrows.

I find all these meanings intriguing and interesting that they all suit their bearers.... (well raven sort of. if you go with the death one.) but all strong meanings for a strong someone....

idk what I'm going on about. I thought i would just ignore thinfs and all would be well. but i still hear crying in my head. moaning. growling. kids voices (I know NO kids inside me) but kids voice one asks "are you okay" alot...that has been a very long lasting occurrence too. but newer things I hear frim kids voices or I get images that they want to crawl into T's lap. or the otjer night i was struggling and wished someone that cared could hug me and I heard echoes of kids voices that they wanted therapist.

why can't I just ignore this. I'm sorry this is so long. I did not mean it to be. I'll stop now.

one thing how did you know what they look like ??? I had Cordelia (comforter) like she looked at me now she wears a white dress has silver straight hair and porcelain skin. but her eyes are the color of my hair. (I'm a ginger)

and delores i seen too pin straight brown hair with black glasses.

she was just there i don't understdsnd.

raven i have no clue. I feel like she's a sprite or something that runs through my body wreaking havoc. but that's just my bitterness and sarcasm running I think.

maybe I should just bring this whole post to my counselor.
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Re: this is huge and long. denial, imagination, "insider" names

Postby littleDaria » Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:20 pm

we are not sure what to say other than this post shows a great deal of introspection. We would only add that when it comes to the dissociative disorders it is our experience that not comparing oneself to others is likely the best option. That said, many of us share commonalities and that can be a comfort, to know we are not alone in some things but this forum, for us at any rate, offers primarily support.
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Re: this is huge and long. denial, imagination, "insider" names

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Jan 06, 2018 1:43 am

star0dust wrote:I don't want to be understood cause this can't actually be going on with me.

she suggested that it might not go so well to ignore things thst are going on for me.

well I ignored that statement.


This made me smile because it comes over me every once in a while. Yesterday, in fact. I don't want to have it. (eyes closed, fingers in ears, "la la la la I can't hear you!!") It's overwhelming at times. So, I do understand you, sorry to say. :)


star0dust wrote:maybe I should just bring this whole post to my counselor.


Yup. Good idea.
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