whose in charge?

So I have a question / problem I am hoping someone can help me solve. I am chronologically an adult over 30 but there is no one in my system that identifies as older than 22. I (Lisa, 22 y/o female) always thought that I was the original / core / whatever and just didn't think about the age thing much. About two years ago Rene'e shows up and everyone says "yeah, she's the original, she's just been in hiding" - for several decades!. It had something to do with a trauma that she was protecting and needing to stay safe. So all that time, everyone else was just basically taking turns being present and no one was really "in charge"...it has always been more or less whoever wanted time and was quick enough to take it got it. Pretty chaotic most of the time! Sometimes I could take charge if it meant getting out of a sticky situation (jail, hospital, etc.) but there wasn't really any rhyme or reason most of the time. Now the tricky part...Rene'e is getting more assertive about being present, but she's still 10 years old! She is telling our T that she wants to "grow up". Apparently all that time of being quietly holed up and not wanting to show herself meant she never matured. So here I am...the only actual adult in the system, and everyone in the system is saying that the 10-year-old is supposed to be the one in charge! I have a really awesome T who knows a lot about DID and she has worked with me for almost 6 years. She says that she thinks Rene'e needs to "mature" and that it is my role to help her do that. Up to when Rene'e first showed up, my role had always been to try to present to the world as close to a "normal" person as possible. It was my job to keep everyone out of hospitals, jails, off the street, and fed/clothed. Now Rene'e is spending a lot of time being present and it's really messing things up! Okay, it's messing it up for me - the one that wants to look normal to the outside world! I guess the kids and teenager doesn't think it's a big deal. I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this before? I know that a lot of times the core/host is the one that actually matches the chronological age/gender and the others are alters, but for me it seems like it is just all whacky. Anyone else having control issues?

It's important to try to work together rather than any of you trying to take charge and cut others out. Perhaps if you have misgivings about how Rene is presenting herself, you can discuss it with all of the others and see if you can come to an arrangement of when might be an appropriate time for her to have some time to learn to grow up as she wants to. Perhaps that time won't be in the middle of when you want to be at work or something, but maybe you could negotiate something that will help build her grown up skills, like organisation, finances or some other tasks that are important and that she might be interested in gaining skills at? Or perhaps there is some skills that she might be already be good at (for instance, she sounds persistent and persuasive to the others) that you can all work together to think where she might be able to use these skills in your current life? By sharing some of the time a bit and discussing it between yourselves, it could be possible to find a balance where everyone gets some time and can use it to help you all, without any of you feeling cut out of being in charge sometimes.

It's important for time not to become a battleground. Just because she was the original doesn't mean that the rest of you aren't all extremely important and deserve to be acknowledged for your important roles and to continue to have time to be able to contribute and function to your life.

thanks, salted lipstick (cool name, btw!) that is good advice. I guess I am just having a hard time letting go of control and the idea that if I try hard enough I can have "my" life the way I want it! I'm feeling really purpose-less now that I have realized that the goal of having a "normal" life (i.e. NOT having DID) is really not attainable. I have always hoped that if I worked hard enough to "look normal" that it would happen. Now I don't really know what to aim for, if that goal is not there. Balance, maybe? It seems like a poor second choice but I guess it's all I have at the moment. I'm still trying to figure out how she showed up all these years later still "stuck" at the age she went into hiding...and why everyone says she is the original. I guess I know it as well, but I am not sure HOW I know it! Wow...yeah, life can be confusing! Thanks again!

4Rene wrote: have realized that the goal of having a "normal" life (i.e. NOT having DID) is really not attainable. I have always hoped that if I worked hard enough to "look normal" that it would happen. Now I don't really know what to aim for, if that goal is not there.

The goal of not having DID would mean integrating rather than not having DID by looking normal (because DID doesn't go away due to appearing normal). You could still aim to not have DID by integrating if that was something you wanted, but that would involve getting the others on board with the idea of integrating also. It sounds like it's a bit early for you to be considering integrating if Rene has only recently shown up and your understanding and negotiating with each other still has room for improvement. A goal that you might consider might be something like making sure that everyone can agree on how to all use their talents and strengths in your life productively, in ways that everyone agrees with. This would give all a chance at time out and at being productive and getting along. Then you could think about developing greater co-consciousness and maybe integration if that was something you were all interested in. There are plenty of goals you can invent for improving things, they are usually more focussed around improved functioning as opposed to looking normal. Improved functioning helps to look more normal anyway, if you are worried about how you are coming across.

Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.

Sounds like you're doing what it takes to protect everybody. It's hard when Littles want to mess with that. It's ok to be in charge and make life work. But being in charge means listening to everybody else.

Good luck

Colin

"Normal is just a setting on the washing machine. "

Thanks, Colin, I need to remember that!!

Sometimes Host freaks out and acts SUPER-NORMAL. It's a total pain for everybody but he does it anyway. None of us knows what normal is.

Long time ago we took a psych course.

We learned 2 things.

1. We aren't normal

2. Anybody who says they are is lying

Colin